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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
orangecinnamon · 20/03/2021 22:10

How's it going @workworkworkugh?

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 21/03/2021 00:18

Thanks for checking in @orangecinnamon , we've had a good couple of days, which had been nice, we feel like it's because they want something so it might not last, hopefully it does though.

I managed to have a quick chat to the GF's dad this week for the first time ever and that's when the changes started, our DS was home for dinner and actually ate with us for the first time in nearly 6 months which was really nice. He's been stopping and having some nice talks with us about his day too which I have loved.
He also opened up to me that the GF was mad at him all day, after I spoke to the dad, apparently she was relentless and threatening to call me and passive aggressive and just rude to my DS. I just listened and let him get it all out.

The dad wants my son to go on holidays with them for a few nights as he (the dad) wanted to take his daughter away but she's refused to go unless my DS goes. We're not sure what we'll do about that yet.
The GF is also at her Mums house this week and that's when we find that things are at their worst so will see how it goes.

OP posts:
prawntoastie · 21/03/2021 01:23

I agree with you on certain parts but remember he is a growing teen who will have relationships
as others have said boundaries
don't push him away though but remind him and maybe talk to her she may not have support

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 21/03/2021 02:06

@prawntoastie I appreciate your input, but she hasn't seen us face to face since October (she used to come around often before that) and refuses to see us it seems going forward.

I admit we have probably handled things badly at the beginning but now we have a bit more perspective and i feel like we're doing a better job of it.
We have always been honest with our son and previously had a good relationship, so he is still opening up to us on occasion which is good.

Before this GF, he had another girlfriend where they went to each other's house to hang out, he still saw his mates and still spent some time with us. He was going to mates houses, parties, beach days with friends etc, so it's not the time away from us that's really bothering us, it's the fact that he feels like he can't spend time with us, even if he wants to, because she kicks off.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 21/03/2021 04:02

This GF is so out of order and her Mother just enables her, its very worrying. At least her Dad sounds more rational and gets it.

Glad things are improving if someone slowly. 🌺

justilou1 · 21/03/2021 04:25

I think you need to make it clear to him that if he is anxious about his GF’s reactions, then that is a HIM thing. Make him realize that SHE is not normal!!!! (Because she isn’t!!) He certainly isn’t happy!

orangecinnamon · 21/03/2021 08:05

Glad things sound better @workworkworkugh. It is a good sign that he feels he can talk to you and he let it all out.

I admit to having a good talk with Dd the other day when I thought there might be signs of 'unhealthiness' in her relationship with he boyfriend (she was acting a bit jealous). It made me think about this girlfriend , I suspect she needs more help to deal with emotions then her parents are giving her. If it was my Dd I'd even be seeking outside help. It is really quite sad how they don't seem to want to address it.
Do you think your son really wants to go on hols with her? You are under no obligation to facilitate the relationship for the Dad's sake ...at the expense of your sons feelings.

SionnachGlic · 21/03/2021 10:00

I assumed from much of your posts that GF's mother only on the scene. Great that her DD is around & seems to have a bit more influence over things? What was said that improved behaviour or is it all about getting the green light for the holiday? I'm not sure I'd be agreeing to the holiday at his age & especially where you have so many concerns about this girl. But I def would not be agreeing simply because it is one of her 'conditions'. I found raising my teenagers that a clear Yes or No from the start is helpful in reducing this persuasive behaviour attempting to get what they want. If there is too much 'I'll think about it' or 'Maybe' then it can lead to this seesaw up & down behaviour...angel one min when waiting/hoping for a Yes & then high drama if it is a No.

I still think you should have a talk with them....her parents, both of them, & your DS & GF about acceptable/unacceptable behaviour in a relationship. Call her out to parents & to her face (in a nice way) about controlling/abusive behaviour. I'm not usually one for playing games....but if you haven't seen her for ages & do want to talk to her...you could use the holiday as leverage (but only if you are letting him go) & before agreeing use it to get parents & her in the house to 'discuss'...& then let them know of your concerns. Such a pity your son cannot see through the drama etc to the unhealthy behaviour...prob is flattering for someone to 'need' him so much. Or if ypu are going somewhere for a few days, could you invite her (separate rooms etc) & show her how your family works & your values. Altho def No if she is likely to kick off....some kids are different when out of their home environment & more mannerly etc. Do let us know how it all goes for you & DS. I'd be cheering to hear he's dumped her...!!

SionnachGlic · 21/03/2021 10:00

*Great her DF is around

justilou1 · 21/03/2021 12:52

I think you need to make it clear that it is not your son’s job to facilitate a relationship between GF & her parents.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 09/04/2021 11:57

Are things any better @workworkworkugh?

Notimeforaname · 09/04/2021 14:12

Just read the whole thread now. OP I'm sorry this is really tough. How are things now ?

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 10/04/2021 07:46

@NoGoodPunsLeft @Notimeforaname thanks for asking. Things have been a bit quieter, she is still moody with DS a lot but he seems to be standing up for himself a bit more.
His sport started today, which she wasn't at all happy about and DS said it's been an argument about it for three days but he's told her it's not negotiable. He's also umpiring his sport tomorrow so another day with old friends, I think it will be so good for him to 'be around the boys' again.

We have also agreed for DS to go away on holidays for a few days with her and her father next week (school holidays), not sure if that was the right decision or not but it's done now.

I think we're just used to it now, nothing she says or does anymore shocks us anymore, she clearly has issues and is very insecure, which is sad.

OP posts:
cameocat · 10/04/2021 08:40

Oh OP, I have nothing to add except to say how sorry I feel for you. I guess your experience means you're now handling it better. I agree that his sport and friends are healthy and hopefully will make him see what is happening. Fingers crossed he sees the light.

Notimeforaname · 10/04/2021 13:59

Ah workworkworkugh ar least that's something! Glad he's finally standing up to her and great he's not as isolated anymore!

Being with his friends more may certainly give him a wake up call and see what he's been missing whilst stuck in her claws!
Maybe spending the few days away with her will also drive the point home that hes better off without her...or certainly better spending less time with her.
Delighted he hasn't quit his sport either!

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 11/04/2021 09:56

Spoke too soon guys!
She's been giving him grief over his sports all weekend (nothing unusual for her) and today I put up a photo on fb of him at his sport and she clicked the sad react.
My DS asked her why and she told him she's "sick of our shit"
She's just lovely...

OP posts:
DdraigGoch · 11/04/2021 10:04

How did he react when she said that?

StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli · 11/04/2021 10:08

Hopefully today was a lightbulb moment for your son. She sounds like a narc in the making.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 11/04/2021 10:27

@DdraigGoch he tells her she's being silly and we're letting him go on holidays with her but then he chases after her constantly.

Yesterday she gave him a hard time and she told him she would do the same today, she also told him that he's changed and she's done.
He's changed apparently because he stands up to her a bit more and she told him 'good boy'.
But yet he rushed around there this morning to keep her happy so he can do his hobbies.

I think he can see it but he doesn't want to believe it or do anything about it. Even his mates have said they're worried about him.
But now we won't see him until Thursday, so I wonder how much damage she can do with him not out of her sight for 4 days.

OP posts:
Rassy · 11/04/2021 10:51

I think the fact she did the sad face react on Facebook will make her publicly look neurotic/controlling/weird too

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/04/2021 11:06

Oh no I thought things were getting better.

Have you not talked to the school yet??

SoddingWeddings · 11/04/2021 11:18

I'm a bit confused. Your son is in a highly abusive relationship.

Has no one ever couched it to him in these terms?

www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/types-of-domestic-abuse/ (I'm struggling to find a good similar one in Australia).

Allwokedup · 11/04/2021 11:26

I’m finding this thread hard to read as you expect your son to be damaged after this holiday and yet you are allowing it. Why op!?

SharpLily · 11/04/2021 11:37

You've tried various approaches but it's looking to me like his mates are the key here. If you can talk to them, get them onside without it being reported to him as interfering, I would. Or even just hint to them that he needs their help in this. At this age peer pressure is far more influential than parental pressure, hence her control over him. Hopefully the friends can balance that out a bit.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 11/04/2021 11:43

@SoddingWeddings @Allwokedup
Yes we have spoken to him about abusive relationships, I have explicitly told him he is in an abusive relationship, but if he's not willing to see it himself I feel our hands are tied.
The holiday thing we were very torn on, of course we don't want him to go, but at 16yo we can't really stop him, he could just go anyway no matter what we say.

We're trying really hard to talk to him (and I don't beat around the bush with him) when he opens up to us and be there for him and be his safe place away from her, but we also don't want to alienate him.
We have spoken to the school but I didn't go into explicit detail and it's not affecting his grades so they didn't seem interested.

Our DS clearly has his own insecurities to be putting up with a relationship like this and I would love to, and have tried, to get him to speak to a counsellor but that is a battle in itself and if he doesn't want to hear the hard truths then he won't go. He sees what she's doing but at the same time is choosing to be blind to it.

OP posts:
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