My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

[workworkworkugh]

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/men.php

I found it

I knew someone who was like this in relationships, when we were teenagers.

I’d known her well since we were much younger, but as a friend distanced myself from her In my early teens because she was Very unstable and a toxic friend in a lot of other ways.

I then knew some of the boys she went out with in her teens while they were with her, and heard a lot of what went on. He really needs to be careful, you’re right to be concerned.

@cjpark

Notaroadrunner : Yes, Ive tried speaking to her mum. I even send her a copy of all the messages her daughter is sending on a weekly basis. Mum doesn't seem too bothered. She works long hours and is on her own with her daughter. We dont allow our son to meet the girlfriend but inevitably they meet on the way to school. Im sure it will fizzle out but OP has my sympathy.

Fingers crossed it fizzles out. Shame her mother doesn't take much of an interest.

@workworkworkugh
Red flags 🚩 flapping like mad.
She sounds the sort who will get pregnant to “Bring him to heel””
He has to be extremely careful.

Teens get pregnant easily and it could impact dreadfully on all concerned.

Shame men can’t get reversible vasectomies...

Do I have teenagers? No.
What’s your point? I’m just making the observation that there’s a difference between treading carefully and abdicating responsibility and then moaning when it comes back to bite you.

“Our lives at the moment are dictated by his plans and where we have to take him to or pick him up from”

“We try and be 'light' and fun and not so serious and he tells us we're weird and thinks it's stupid”

“This kid just got the newest Xbox for Xmas that he requested, a very expensive sports top, he goes to a private catholic school that's costing us a fortune and does make the budget tight for us, we're his taxi to everywhere, we encourage and drive him all over for his sports that he loves because we want him to do what makes him happy.
I literally do not know the kid standing in front of me anymore.”

Stop letting the tail wag the dog and be a parent ffs

I’ve read your whole thread OP and I feel so sorry for your son and for you. My DS is 4 and I can’t bear the thought of him being a teenager in pain.

I had a very toxic relationship at 18-27 and looking back I desperately wish my mum had taken control. Everyone could see it but no one did anything.

Here is my twopence, as the mother of a primary school child so no experience really!!

Sit down with him when he is in a good mood, with his father, possibly on a Friday night? Tell him you love him and that you want to be happy. You remember how happy he used to be last year (or whenever it was that was pre girlfriend) when he spent time with x friend and did so much of his sport. Tell him that you can see he is in pain, you can see he is struggling and that life is difficult at the moment. Don’t ask him if he is struggling, because he will say no. Tell him that you are proud of the man he is turning into. Tell him all the wonderful things about him and that you love him. Tell him that, because of all that, and because you are his parent, it is your job to keep him safe. When he was a toddler and wanted to jump from the top of the stairs, you stopped him. It didn’t make him happy but it kept him safe. Now you are saying that you need to keep him safe, so you are going to confiscate his phone and he is to stay in the house this weekend. It’s not a punishment, it’s like medicine to help him get better.

Take his phone - phones are addictive and he doesn’t need them. He will probably go through (almost literally) some sort of withdrawal and might even kick off about it, but I’m willing to bet he won’t actually leave for her house... hopefully.

Could you make sure you’ve got lots of lovely food in the house and make a big deal about breakfast lunch and dinner with his favourite food? He might sulk in his room but maybe those would tempt him out. Do the covid rules allow you to invite some friends over? Could you get in touch with his friends and get one over one day and the other another day so he isn’t alone, even if he won’t interact with you?

Then tbh I would take a week off work as emergency parental leave and drop him off and pick him up from school. Your partner the next week off. Any relatives that could do the third week and the fourth?

Fill his evenings and weekends with the stuff he used to love doing - this isn’t a punishment it’s an intervention and safeguarding. Tell school why.

When you take his phone I’d be inclined to say don’t worry darling I will message GF to let her know, and then send her and her mother a group message along the lines of - I have taken DS’ phone and will not be allowing him to contact you for the foreseeable. I am very concerned about the level of control your daughter has over my son and feel it is an abusive relationship. Please don’t contact us or my son.’

Laying it out like that might prompt the mother to seek help for the daughter.

OP, have you ever practised reverse psychology? Try telling him what a lovely girl she is, "we are saving for your wedding" conversation, adding he doesn't spend enough time with her ! Hoping he either keeps her at arm's length or ends it for good, and goes back to hanging out with his mates.
His gf's intensity reminds me of Jordan someone, the ex girlfriend of Alex Skeel (google him)who was jailed for grevious ( or actual )bodily harm and co-ercive bahaviour. Alex was the subject of a BBC documentary in 2019, and my heart went out to him. This Jordan started off by alienating him from all his friends, then his family, and he was seriously injured and traumatised before she was jailed for her sickening violence towards him.

His mates might be the ones to make your son see sense.

Contraception- or lack of- would be my deepest concern.
Very few teen relationships withstand a baby that the girl “ Accidentally or on purpose “ gets pregnant with.
Speaking from experience of having a friend who got pregnant on purpose at 16
She ended up being abused most dreadfully.

Grammar school girl who fell for a “ Bad boy”.
Il

invite his mates round more.. get them over for lads time.. worth a try 🌺

Personally I would tell him he needs a night at home and have a discussion about this with him. At this age its an important year even without sitting exams. In fact no exams makes school and coursework even more important. I'm sure his finding these demands too much. Talk about him only seeing her a couple days a week having a day with friends and a day for sports then study days.

@WisnaeMe

invite his mates round more.. get them over for lads time.. worth a try 🌺

I think lads would be best hope, too. Sex will pull a man further than dynamite will blow him, and chances are they are having sex. His mates may warn him of the bunny boilerish control she has. The mother sounds nuts, too.

Sounds like many relationships teens get into. I was in a relationship like this myself, a few times, between the ages of 14-19.

I'd just let them get on with it. It'll fizzle out soon enough.

@Calmate

OP, have you ever practised reverse psychology? Try telling him what a lovely girl she is, "we are saving for your wedding" conversation, adding he doesn't spend enough time with her ! Hoping he either keeps her at arm's length or ends it for good, and goes back to hanging out with his mates. His gf's intensity reminds me of Jordan someone, the ex girlfriend of Alex Skeel (google him)who was jailed for grevious ( or actual )bodily harm and co-ercive bahaviour. Alex was the subject of a BBC documentary in 2019, and my heart went out to him. This Jordan started off by alienating him from all his friends, then his family, and he was seriously injured and traumatised before she was jailed for her sickening violence towards him.

I was minded of poor Alex Skeel reading this too. It might be overkill op, but if you can somehow get him to watch the documentary it might give him food for thought...

Yes Alex Keel, dreadful case, I do hope he found peace 🌺

sorry *Skeel

That doc is available here OP (in Australia), I can’t remember which, but it’s on one of the free channels.

I hear you with the unhelpful school, and it not being taken seriously, but truly, I’d be throwing my weight around there, and telling them they have a duty of care as both children (for that is what they are) attend their school.

Meanwhile, with all the stuff in the papers in the last month about the government covering up the rapes in Canberra etc., it can be hard to take anything seriously, but do speak to the local DV police officers, and see if they can give you any advice. I’m not saying they will intervene (or that this would be helpful, given the power your son’s girlfriend has at the moment) but they would be able to direct you to local organisations etc. What about the Men’s Shed? Much as I despise White Ribbon here, they might also be able to give you some more localised advice.

I’m so sorry. I was in your son’s position from an early age, but not this early. At least you are aware, I know that doesn’t sound like much, but my mother added to the toxic situation, so to know you “see” what is happening is really important.

Sorry, it’s moved to Binge streaming. Worth getting the free trial.

I don’t think you should interfere in the relationship, it will probably end itself soon enough and it will be a life lesson learned for your son.
(Teach your son about respect in relationships and safe sex though)

Hmm I have been the guy in that relationship all be it about 15 years ago. I "got lucky" when a job offer came up which ment I moved about 200 miles away from the girl. At that point I changed my phone number and basically I've never spoken with her since ... This was 2 years into the relationship.

I would say speak to him. My parents couldn't as I was slightly older at the time (University) but the situation was similar, very controlling, isolated from friends and her mum was it felt happy for me to be there to split the burden of her daughter's need for constant and unbroken attention.

Maybe if you can once covid restrictions are lifted take him away for a bit. Holiday or whatever just break the hold so he can see what's going on.

@RoosterRoosteringFree

I don’t think you should interfere in the relationship, it will probably end itself soon enough and it will be a life lesson learned for your son. (Teach your son about respect in relationships and safe sex though)

Tricky when he's rarely home and doesn't want to listen to his parents.

I don't understand why the gf mum is not supporting your position. I have a 16yo sports mad son. He has a gf but his school & sport comes first. You've explained to her mum about the inappropriate behaviour so why does she continue to facilitate it. I'd be telling her that I do not want her to give my child lifts anywhere and that he can only come to their home twice a week. No sleep overs and you'd prefer they were not left alone as you don't fancy being a grandma just yet! It's really gone too far and the school need a rocket up their arse!! The gf mum is not parenting her child and I'd rather my child wasn't around someone like that.
On the flip side, my exmil would love this position and encourage babies to fill a void in her life. Is the gf mum like this or just too selfish to step up as a mum.
I'm so sorry you're in this position. Is moving schools an option for you?

I’ve only started reading your whole thread this morning, OP.

My heart absolutely goes out to you and also fills me with dread having a teen (14) and wondering what the next stage will be like. I can’t imagine how you’re coping but there has been some incredible advice on here, I need to take some notes!

The GF mum is enabling her behaviour! Don’t know if it’s been mentioned but is the GF Dad on the scene? This seems to be a lot about the three women centred around your DS, what do the Dad’s think about the whole dynamic?

Really hope that your DS holds firm to his sport and doesn’t let the GF influence his future.

I don't understand why the gf mum is not supporting your position

Because she’s never said no. Because this girl will be the same with her own mother - weeping and wailing and demanding.

It’s easier for mum to give in and let the boy round so she gets some peace.

All the hugs op. What a nightmare.

@overnightangel I asked if you had teens as I was interested to see if you have any idea of how it is parenting a teenager. I think the OP needs support, not judgemental comments. Let's hope you are never challenged if you are a parent.