My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

[workworkworkugh]

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

I've been following your updates for a little while now, and it is making me anxious! My son is also with quite a demanding girl, but not nearly this bad. I really feel for you.

Could I ask though - you said she sent you a nasty message, and also showed one where she said she is going to invite other boys over if you take your son away for a few days. Why do YOU put up with it? I know it is difficult for your son, he finds it hard to stand up for himself. But if you are starting to put up with it, let it slide, then she just gains more ground. Just go a little bit batshit on this girl if she sends you anything nasty. Not enough to be abusive yourself, but more than enough to put YOUR boundaries with her in place. That might be a start to getting her to back down a bit.

I think if you just try to be over polite and not address it the moment it happens, it shows her she gets away with more and more, it isn't an example for your son on maintaining boundaries, and the longer it carries on, the harder it gets to pull it back.

I obviously am not saying you should go too far! But you don't owe it to her to be overly polite and tiptoeing around her. Let her know she won't fuck with you like she does with your boy.

All meant in a very nonjudgemental way towards you! I hope with all my fingers crossed this will work out for you and him soon.

@Chewingle that's nonsense- the OP has literally screenshotted coercive, abusive texts, and posted them in the thread. I doubt she 'isn't that bad' when the girl text his mother threatening to cheat on him if they had a few days away as a family.

It's an abusive and coercive relationship.

What you have described is shown in the PSHE videos shown to 15-18 year old school students to highlight what relationship abuse tends to look like when teens and young adults are involved.

It is so tricky, because without buy-in and at least a starting understanding that this is abusive, making progress is really hard and can drive children away from parents.

School or college might be able to help if you explain the situation.

You will need to attempt to talk to him about it and perhaps you can get some videos about healthy relationships and some leaflets which might help him start thinking about the traits of abuse that are all here.

And if you don't make any progress, you might well have to be come extremely unpopular by essentially grounding him and cutting it off that way. That would be very hard and might not work.

Consider if you can get some of his old friends back in touch and mention your concerns and that you'd really appreciate them reaching out to him. They probably have a sense of what is going on.

Huge sympathies. He needs to get an understanding of what is going on here.

I actually think the suggestion of sitting down with both of them, and outlining exactly what is acceptable and unacceptable, could be a good idea.

@Whythesadface

Tell your Son HE will be attending his sports. That you think he needs to agree compromises with his girlfriend. That he can direct her rants to you. Do not engage. IF you can get him back to his sports and his friends it will help him break free from her hold. Right now she is SCARED that if she gives him space he will leave her. His mates will encourage him to leave her.

I agree with this , so sorry @OP it all sounds horrendous I do think peer pressure is the answer here. Is there someone he admires in his sport/hobby you can get to have a word with him too?

When this happened to a lesser degree to my ds at the same age, he showed me the barrage of abusive texts. I told him they were unacceptable and how would he react if his little sister was receiving those texts. He got the point.

There's no requirement to be the strong man here and take what she's throwing out.

It's not 'the answer ' sorry that was gratuitous. It may be more of a help than you imagine though.

Honestly for me this has reached a point that I would be going to the police and or looking to self refer to social services.

The mother of this abuser is failing to safe guard your child when in her care and whether he wants to admit it or not he is the victim of some pretty insidious abuse.

If your son was doing one fraction of what she is doing to her the bloody out cry would be horrendous. Some tough love is needed here not to say you haven't been trying but I would be considering moving schools. A new phone and blocking her and her mother from all access points.

Use all the texts on both your phone's to look at a non mol order.

I might sound over the top but I'm sure you all remember this..

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/81a8f303-5849-45b8-85a0-e8532b5d948b

What @CoraPirbright said. At a similar age to your son, I was involved with a horribly conrltrolling, violent boyfriend. My mother took me away for a few weeks in the end, with a friend, and that was what was needed for me to get strong enough to break up with him. I remember having fun with my friend and feeling free. He needs to see what life can be like without her.

[quote loopyapp]Honestly for me this has reached a point that I would be going to the police and or looking to self refer to social services.

The mother of this abuser is failing to safe guard your child when in her care and whether he wants to admit it or not he is the victim of some pretty insidious abuse.

If your son was doing one fraction of what she is doing to her the bloody out cry would be horrendous. Some tough love is needed here not to say you haven't been trying but I would be considering moving schools. A new phone and blocking her and her mother from all access points.

Use all the texts on both your phone's to look at a non mol order.

I might sound over the top but I'm sure you all remember this..

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/81a8f303-5849-45b8-85a0-e8532b5d948b[/quote]
An awful read , that poor guy

Hmmm his gf sounds like a sore head! You can certainly advise him but he is 16 years of age you can’t place any sort of boundaries or rules...you’ll just push him away. Also curious as to how you know they send lovey dovey paragraphs to one another? Do you read his messages ?

Im sorry :( i really don't want to upset anyone but this is exactly what we need to teach our children to avoid!

Just seen this thread for the first time , what a depressing read. @workworkworkugh
From the word go you have let the tail wag the dog by pandering to your son’s whims, and you don’t have the balls to stand up to the girlfriend the mother or your own son. Stop being so passive. Such an infuriating read, it’s hard to help someone who won’t help themselves.

You’ve basically green lighted your son being in Abu since relationship both by your actions and your inactions.

Grow up and be a parent

*in an abusive relationship

I’d put him in touch with a men’s abuse charity.

@overnightangel The boy is 16. He could move out if he chose. Have you got teenagers? Parenting them is a whole different ball game and OP is right to tread carefully, I think.

Ok so this might not be popular but my family have experienced something similar when I was growing up in the 90's. My 16 year old brother at the time had a relationship with a girl that sounds so much like your son's girlfriend (she was very toxic and tbh a spoiled undisciplined brat) she isolated my brother from family, friends and all the things he used to love, very possessive and jealous he practically had no friends after their relationship and treated him like she owned him. He was awful to my parents throughout and they tried all sorts much to what you are doing have done we all tried our best with her but in the end we knew she was just toxic or maybe her upbringing was. But he was addicted to her like a drug. My dad and mum figured in the end we won't support this toxic relationship and gave him the ultimatum as a last desperate resort. We love you and want the best for you but can't support you in this relationship anymore. We will always welcome you back but you are on your own if you continue with it. Well he kicked off big time left for and moved in with her and her parents much to their seeming delight at first (my parents were the most awful parents in the whole to them). This tough love actually worked the relationship lasted another 3 months and the last two months he was so trapped and miserable he admitted pride just stopped him from coming back he came crying back, he felt very unwelcomed in their house in the end. My mum and dad welcomed him with open arms. He knew his girlfriend didn't really love him or her family and that he treated my parents bad. He is now in his 40s in a healthy marriage and my sister in law is the nicest woman and we all love her. We can laugh about his crazy teenage girlfriend now, it did cause a lot of hurt at the time but it's long forgotten with my parents now. My parents had to think of everyone in the family not just my brother.

Some possible support agencies ...
www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/my-situation/im-a-man (you may not be NSW but there are some national organisations listed

Or here ... www.healthdirect.gov.au/domestic-violence-against-men

Hi OP, You have my thoughts. My son is 15 and in a relationship with a 15yr old girl with anorexia. She sends him texts saying she wont eat if she doesn't see him. She wont get weighed at the GP if he doesn't see her. Its heartbreaking and dangerous.
Obviously, being in the UK, we've had lockdown which has helped immensely. He is also 15 still which means I pay for his phone and have parental control. We go out for walks as a family lots, encourage him to meet a friend, keep talking. I also monitor his phone. I know it feels uncomfortable but ultimately he is my responsibility to protect and if it means monitoring messages I will do. This is with his consent. I think the main thing is to keep communication open.

@cjpark

Hi OP, You have my thoughts. My son is 15 and in a relationship with a 15yr old girl with anorexia. She sends him texts saying she wont eat if she doesn't see him. She wont get weighed at the GP if he doesn't see her. Its heartbreaking and dangerous. Obviously, being in the UK, we've had lockdown which has helped immensely. He is also 15 still which means I pay for his phone and have parental control. We go out for walks as a family lots, encourage him to meet a friend, keep talking. I also monitor his phone. I know it feels uncomfortable but ultimately he is my responsibility to protect and if it means monitoring messages I will do. This is with his consent. I think the main thing is to keep communication open.

I really hope you tell her parents about the threatening messages? She has issues that no 15 year old partner should be dealing with. I'd be doing my best to end this relationship so that she and her family can focus on her health problems and so your son can stop being manipulated by her.

[quote Stroppyshite]@overnightangel The boy is 16. He could move out if he chose. Have you got teenagers? Parenting them is a whole different ball game and OP is right to tread carefully, I think.[/quote]
She tried the treading carefully approach (have you read all her posts?) and that served to enable his abuser more to the extent that he now doesn't go home now except to sleep.

Notaroadrunner : Yes, Ive tried speaking to her mum. I even send her a copy of all the messages her daughter is sending on a weekly basis. Mum doesn't seem too bothered. She works long hours and is on her own with her daughter. We dont allow our son to meet the girlfriend but inevitably they meet on the way to school. Im sure it will fizzle out but OP has my sympathy.

I don't mean do nothing, but I think you can run the risk of pushing teenagers away if you come down too hard, start trying to put a ban on the relationship etc. I have read the thread. I think OP is best giving DS the tools he needs to leave, re support agencies etc that others have suggested and keep lines of communication open.

To be honest, I think the biggest problem is her mother.

She is facilitating and encouraging this relationship to the detriment of the relationship he's having with his family and friends

I wonder if the NSPCC would have advice?

This sounds extremely difficult and my worst nightmare, only surpassed by the thought of my son actually marrying someone like that.
Haven't any advice, just sympathy. Would be fuming at the behaviour of the mother who has well and truly overstepped any boundaries by picking your son up from school every day.

If it is a private school, could you move to a state school to get him away from her?