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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 13/03/2021 14:12

www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/articles/zp3gf82

OppsUpsSide · 13/03/2021 14:14

WTF have I just read?? Your child (I presume 15 is still a child in Australia!) is in an abusive relationship and has had no real support from what I’ve read in actually acknowledging it or leaving it. I can’t begin to imagine how you must be feeling, have you had a proper conversation with the school? They should be able to offer some support. Or a domestic violence charity?

Notaroadrunner · 13/03/2021 14:21

@titchy

Wow. Can't believe you've let him be picked up from school by her mum tbh.

Yes it needs to stop. He's in an abusive relationship. You need to take him to school and pick him up and quite frankly not allow him to see her. You've tried letting him see her with boundaries, without boundaries and he continues to be abused by her. And her mum is complicit in the abuse.

I agree. You or Dh need to pick him up from school and bring him home, ensure he's on top of studies, bring him to his sports. Every minute away from her and her family might just help him see how he is being abused by her and her stupid parents who clearly raised a spoilt, entitled, abusive brat.
Chillychangchoo · 13/03/2021 14:23

Oh OP you need to have a word with your son, you don’t want him to be a complete mug/pushover. I met my husband at 16 and it was intense, but he was allowed a life!!

Poor boy. He sounds lovely.

WisnaeMe · 13/03/2021 14:29

he's going ti regret this relationship when he grows up OP.

I also believe she'll be pregnant soon.

bitheby · 13/03/2021 14:32

I'm not a parent but Childline have these resources:

www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/friends-relationships-sex/sex-relationships/healthy-unhealthy-relationships/

babbaloushka · 13/03/2021 14:38

Oh your poor DS, and what a tough situation for you to be in. Good to hear you were honest with her mum about her making him cry.

diddl · 13/03/2021 14:39

"things were finally good and now she'll make my life hell for the next week"

Did you ask him why things are finally (wtf) good & why she will give him hell if she professes to love him?

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 13/03/2021 14:50

@titchy @Notaroadrunner how though? I work and need to pick up his younger brother first, she's at the same school and her Mother is always there before me? We can tell him, but we can't exactly force him to get in the car.

@Chillychangchoo we do talk to him, even before this relationship we have always been open and honest about controlling/abusive relationships.
He knows how we feel but it's not really helping as he sees it as us 'trying to win' and 'break them up'.

He saw my message to the Mum today as me trying to get one over the GF as he thinks we're in competition trying to win his time, not merely exposing the abuse for what it is, she can't get away with it when what she's doing is out in the open

OP posts:
Original poster
workworkworkugh · 13/03/2021 14:55

@diddl yes of course, he then decided he'd had enough of talking, he was quite visibly upset and angry, clenching his hair in his fists as clearly he was so anxious about me exposing her behaviour and the repercussions.

From what I did get, things were good as he had explained it all to her (about his sports) and she finally understood and 'wouldn't do it again' and she'd now just be moody with him all week, giving the silent treatment etc.
She wants him there with her all the time but will still ignore him if she's in a mood, DS feels he can't just come home though when it's like that as that will make her angrier.

OP posts:
titchy · 13/03/2021 15:03

In terms of the how I think work has to come second. Make a scene at the school gate if necessary. Scream and shout. Most 15 year olds would be far too embarrassed to not slink into the car just to shut you up.

I suspect the alternative will be 'Guess what mum you're gonna be a grandma' in a few months time.

Up to you.

MrMeSeeks · 13/03/2021 15:07

Why is he allowed over hers so much?
Why do you not just say he has to stay in?
I certainly was not allowed at my bfs every
Night at 16 so why allow it for him?
Weekends only only and he has to keep his sports and grades up.
It’s clearly a toxic relationship but you won’t split them up until he sees it.

Mylovelyhorsee · 13/03/2021 15:15

@workworkworkugh

Total ban on her. Or move house or move him schools. He is being abused and he is a child. You can do something, talk to work about leaving early, ask a friend to pick him up, ask school to hold him at the office until you get there. He needs to be separated from her.

BootsieBarnes · 13/03/2021 15:18

I agree, you need to get tough here. Speak to the headmaster and lay out your concerns. Don't let them fob you off. Tell them you are worried about his mental health and there is safeguarding issue here.

Tell him he's not allowed over there anymore. Tell her mother he's not allowed over there anymore. If she allows it then you are reporting them to social services due to mental health concerns. If you kick up enough fuss that she thinks SS might come knocking, she may rethink not getting a grip of her daughter. Tell her also you are informing the school. You need to shame this mother into getting a grip.

Your son sounds like inwardly he's crying out for this situation to stop and if you have to be hated by him to get it done then do it. Time will pass and he will be relieved. Otherwise it could get a whole lot worse.

Doing nothing isn't an option anymore.

Loftyswops988 · 13/03/2021 15:25

Agree with PP. It might need to be extreme action and a complete ban on her. I would never usually agree with a parent having a say in teenage relationships but then I've never heard of any as unhealthy as this. He is still a child and he is being abused.

Cookiedough123 · 13/03/2021 15:28

Wow this story really rung a bell with something I watched recently called abused by my girlfriend. It was just how it all started and so sad. Maybe it might be worth sending it him and he can see how all these little signs already are damaging and controlling. I read you're in Australia. This is a bbc documentary but might be on YouTube. Its hard as I don't think there is anything you can do. It seems like he needs to realise for himself what is happening.

BootsieBarnes · 13/03/2021 15:29

Imagine if she were an adult, say a relative or family friend. You wouldn't allow it to continue. The romantic relationship is clouding the issue. He is still technically a child and needs safeguarding from abuse, whoever it comes from.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 13/03/2021 15:30

Sorry but I'd be going batshit mother on her toxic little arse. And I wouldn't hold back.

You need to have firm words with her and nip this in the bud ASAP. Tip toeing around her clearly isn't working. Get your sons friends on board too, have them over at the house and ffs, get his phone off him.

Loftyswops988 · 13/03/2021 15:31

@Cookiedough123

Wow this story really rung a bell with something I watched recently called abused by my girlfriend. It was just how it all started and so sad. Maybe it might be worth sending it him and he can see how all these little signs already are damaging and controlling. I read you're in Australia. This is a bbc documentary but might be on YouTube. Its hard as I don't think there is anything you can do. It seems like he needs to realise for himself what is happening.
Absolutely agree OP, this is worth watching and watching with your son. It could definitely help him be more receptive to changes if he can see the long term damage
RosesAndHellebores · 13/03/2021 15:35

What's the impact on school work? If it wasn't covid time I'd be sending him on the trip of his life time.

titchy · 13/03/2021 15:36

Imagine your son was a daughter. What would your reaction be if she had a boyfriend that was doing this sort of thing to her? I imagine (hope) you'd have got the police involved. Why is this different because he's a boy?

titchy · 13/03/2021 15:36

And if you take away his phone he won't be getting messages off her will he?

KatherineSiena · 13/03/2021 15:37

Apologies if this has been mentioned but where is your husband in all of this? It seems as though you’re most involved, speaking to the girl’s mother and the school as well as your son. (Not a criticism, it maybe that you’re more available/around).

Could your DH not try and talk to him so it doesn’t just seem like you’re the one blocking things? I also agree, that the sport and/or contact with his friends should be encouraged to retain some semblance of normality.

I really feel for you have to deal with this.

LAgeDeRaisin · 13/03/2021 15:41

OP I've just read all your posts and it just sounds heartbreaking. It's so hard to know what to do- you sound like a lovely Mum though Flowers