My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

[workworkworkugh]

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

I hate to admit this but she is basically me 12 years ago when i was 16! I absolutely cringe when I look back at my behaviour. It’s just immaturity and she WILL grow out of it. My boyfriend (now my husband) wouldn’t have stuck around if I didn’t. I do still nag about the Xbox a little though, only if he’s been on it all day and hasn’t helped me with anything! I know it feels unhealthy now but intervening will only make it worse.

Hi OP

Mum of a 16 yo DS here.

Yes, the relationship sounds very intense and your DSs girlfriend sounds controlling.

I’ve had a few issues over the past year with my eldest DS too and the best advise I had was from a colleague who has older children.

I found that the less I gave him to rebel against, the more his rebellious behaviour ran out of steam.

I know that my worries about him were tied up in the fear of losing him and ultimately growing up and leaving home. So I backed off. I told him that I understood that to become an adult he needed to move away from me a little.

It sounds as though you have educated your boy on unhealthy relationships and that’s good. Always keep communication open and listen. Keep talking about contraception.

I found that the less I pushed, the more the mutual respect grew. He is now very open with me and has calmed down and matured a great deal. I had to let go for that to happen and I had to trust it without really knowing if it would help. But it did.

I wouldn’t contact the gfs mum, personally. She is obviously very indulgent of her DD and keen to be viewed as a laid back, lovely person. I doubt she’ll see that she’s doing anything wrong, In fact it sounds as though she views it as helping your son and her daughter out by running them both around to sports activities etc..

I was sad when my eldest son wanted to quit football at 15. But, he quit and now he’s fallen into other sports that he enjoys.

I think your son will see the light in time. Sometimes people have to get there in their own time.

My son even comes to the supermarket with me now! That would never had happened a year ago.

I probably sound very soft but in my experience this is what worked.

I hope this helps, OP.

My son was in a similar relationship at the same age. Also her parents really encouraged him stopping over taking him on holiday and picking up and dropping off from school. He couldn’t see it at first as they were in LOVE. In the end he got so fed up with her demands he split with her for a month then they got back together with the understanding that she wouldn’t be so needy, she was and he finished it and has never looked back. Hope this is the same for your son. Keep all communication open, but do talk to him about controlling behaviour and hopefully when his sport is back on her hold will break.

Controlling isn't healthy

As PP's have no doubt said, some of this is a typical 16 year old- they're often not wanting to have a beach day with mummy and daddy or go away with them.

He also sounds like he takes you for granted.

But the GF sounds awful and her comment saying she can now invite other boys over was so cheeky.

As she now is trying to effect an activity he loves, hoopefully that'll make him start to see the light.

All you can do is keep saying 'you don't have to put up with that in a relationship' 'what she's asking of you isn't ok' etc when he mentions stuff she's said and done.

Other than that, you can only wait for him to see the light.

Answer him back if he falsely accuses you of stuff, but accept that a lot of teenagers don't hang out with their parents much.

It will pass. Just be there. I remember my mum kicking off and being really shocked and scornful because I said at 15 that I was going to be with my boyfriend forever. She didn’t need to because obviously it ended but at the time her kicking off definitely made it last longer as I didn’t want her to be right.

Too intense and weird. Should back off... He can tell her his parents say he needs to spend more time on his studies so cant see so much of her..

Iirc you were advised to contact the school when the children went back. Your ds is back now. I suggest you do this now for help. Safeguarding lead.

How much time is he spending at home right now?

You say her father is also ‘sharing custody’ of your ds so to speak. Your ds needs someone from the outside to explain it isn’t normal to be part of this dynamic.

I agree with other posters about bringing school safeguarding into it. Also, are pastoral lessons on controlling relationships part of their curriculum - hearing examples that might ring bells from another source could be helpful.

With his sport, could his coach and captain have a chat with him about plans for the season and or give him a role that would make him really want to stay involved? It would be awful for him to lose that interest. Good luck.

Thanks all, especially those of you who have been through similar before, it's helpful to hear others experiences.

I fully understand he doesn't want to spend much time with us anymore and we accept that, we still ask anyway as we want him to know that we want to spend time with him.
We have taken a huge step back and don't really bad mouth the gf, other than to say it's not ok or it's not healthy what she's doing on the occasion that he does open up to us.

Last weekend he spent a few hours with his best friend, who he hasn't seen in 6 months, because she 'let him', I could see the happiness in him afterwards, he just seemed lighter (for want of a better word), the next day she sent me another message, trying to cause trouble.

He told us just very recently that she was mad at him again for going to his first sport training for the year and she was being quite nasty to the point he was crying, and the mum just told them to sort it out and make up.

I have recently spoken to the school as well, more to keep an eye on his studies but I did mention my concerns around the unhealthy dynamic of the relationship and how they have isolated themselves but didn't go into every detail, I was told that she's quite studious and so maybe she'll be a good influence on him

It's certainly a fine line between taking a huge step back and letting him do whatever he wants while we're funding it all (phone, sports, private school etc) to feeling like we're rewarding him for the way he treats us.
We know it will pass, it's hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes though

@workworkworkugh

She is making your child cry. Step in please. He’s still a child too young for this crap.

Him needing permission to see his friends, and being told to give up his sport - this is so beyond intense and a bit controlling now isn’t it :(

Not at all impressed with the school’s response, is there a different member of staff you could speak to about this? Being studious doesn’t make the blindest bit of difference to the awful level of control.

Not sure how feasible this may be but I'd be looking up move at this rate!!

OP that response from school is not adequate. I would ask to speak to the Safeguarding lead. Your child is living with, and being controlled by, another family. I would also call the non emergency police number for advice.
What is the age of consent in Aus? If 16 state in addition you are concerned the parents are encouraging your DS to have sex with a minor.

I think you do need.to try talking to the GF's mother again, it is not normal for her to be ferrying your DS around so much.

It's such a weird dynamic and I can't believe her DO lets her carry on as she is.

I remember your thread from when you first posted, I'm sorry it isn't resolved yet

Back to the school. Stress to them that you have safeguarding concerns about the girlfriend but also about the parents. Don't let it drop. Don't be fobbed off.

OP ... If your son is crying and cannot spend time with his friends and on his extracurriculars without getting yelled and threatened by his girlfriend... It is emotional abuse. Perhaps get him some books on abusive relationships especially if its for teens ( so he can spot the similarities) I am afraid you will have to step up as the situation doesn't seem to be deescalating. The girl is a teenager herself and most certainly has no understanding of her behaviour but it doesn't absolve her behaviour. The girls parents are encouraging her behaviour and not setting up the basic boundaries. Unfortunately it is now upto you to step up and put in firm boundaries. Speak to girls parents and let them know that you have set rules for your family. Just politely let them know that there will be no sleepovers and while you appreciate the pick ups ... You would like them to do it yourself as you enjoy spending that time with your son. You need to sit down and let your son know that you love him etc but you and your partner are working very hard to provide them with private education and extractors extracurriculars and you expect him to be responsible and have a more well rounded life. End of the day ... He is still your child and he finds himself in a situation that is very overwhelming and so you need to be strong here and set in boundaries which he might not like but is best for him and his long term well-being. He will appreciate it in his 20's and later. Just don't expect him to be happy about it now

@BoogalooGirl

Not sure how feasible this may be but I'd be looking up move at this rate!!

I was thinking the same thing

I’d search for the lobster boy threads and see how out of hand that relationship got. The poor family have had to watch the control spiral over the years and been unable to do anything for fear of being rejected. It must be awful to watch your son fade away in front of you.

Link

Me again, I'm writing this update mainly because I need to get it out as I'm so bloody frustrated I could cry.

My DS messaged us all day today asking for a sleepover, we said no.
(We say no as he is only home now to sleep and that's the only 'respite' he gets from her so we'd like to keep it if we can, we also called ParentLine and spoke to a counsellor and they agreed it was a wise approach at this stage)
Anyway, we said no despite him continually asking. THEN I get a msg from the mother asking if he could sleep over, I decided to be a bit more blunt and explain that we've said no as he basically lives there as it is and that the GF made him cry the other day and we weren't all that happy about it.
The mother had no idea and understood and said she'd speak to the daughter.

Our DS came home and we started to chat about it I mentioned the messages with the Mum (he would have found out anyway and I'm always honest with him) well now his furious at me and that he'll never tell me anything again because I repeated it etc etc, but the thing that broke my heart is, he said "mum why did you have to do that, I'm going to wake up to angry messages from her and things were finally good and now she'll make my life hell for the next week"

I just can't anymore, I know he can't see it now, that we're doing this out of love and not to be assholes, but the parents tip toe around her, DS tip toes around her as not to upset her and he basically asked us to do the same.
Why is everyone so scared of a bloody 15yo?!

So now he really, truly hates me and I'm worried he won't open up to us again as I spoke up. I really thought the mother needed to know though. I'm genuinely concerned that he's losing every bit of his own identity and if he feels he can't speak up then someone needs to for him.
I royally fucked this up haven't I?

Wow. Can't believe you've let him be picked up from school by her mum tbh.

Yes it needs to stop. He's in an abusive relationship. You need to take him to school and pick him up and quite frankly not allow him to see her. You've tried letting him see her with boundaries, without boundaries and he continues to be abused by her. And her mum is complicit in the abuse.

OP would family counselling help? Even with the girlfriend included?

Get him to watch videos on coersive control

Is there a counsellor at school or elsewhere that will talk to him about what constitutes a healthy relationship? Cos he doesn't seem to know.