My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

[workworkworkugh]

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

Our DS's sport and hobby is about to start up, this is a big passion for him and has been his whole life and the GF is now giving him a hard time and threatening to dump him as she doesn't want him to play (as it's less time with her), you can tell he's struggling with this and has apparently told her he's not giving it up but she's relentless, I can see she won't stop until he's given it up

Maybe this has to be your line in the sand. And his. Tell him it's absolutely non-negotiable: for him and his own sake - for you - and for her. Can't any of his mates/team mates have a word with him?

I really feel for you OP, you sound like a very caring mother. You seem to have tried all sorts of things with no effect. I'm not looking forward to the teenage years!

As others have said, this is something your son will have to work out for himself and it will run its course. Could you try and help things along by treating her as the ridiculous creature she is? As in rather than being nice or nasty about her, treat her as the joke she is. Laugh about her being a 'bunny boiler' or any other more current phrase with the same connotations, make light hearted jokes about the prison doors clanging shut when he's going out?

Basically don't give in to the intensity of the relationship. Her behaviour would be laughable if it weren't so worrying so can you reframe it as such?

She sounds a serious controlling abuser. I'd forbid him to see her at all. He needs to be protected.

I was hoping your update would be that they’d finally split up! I’m sorry this is still going on.

I have no experience of this but I’m not sure you can influence how another parent raises their child. The only thing you can do is hold firm on your own boundaries for your own child. :(

@StCharlotte

Our DS's sport and hobby is about to start up, this is a big passion for him and has been his whole life and the GF is now giving him a hard time and threatening to dump him as she doesn't want him to play (as it's less time with her), you can tell he's struggling with this and has apparently told her he's not giving it up but she's relentless, I can see she won't stop until he's given it up

Maybe this has to be your line in the sand. And his. Tell him it's absolutely non-negotiable: for him and his own sake - for you - and for her. Can't any of his mates/team mates have a word with him?

Tbh if he does give it up maybe that will be the push he needs. He clearly really loves this sport so either way it will affect him, whether he continues to do it and she dumps him for it, or he gives it up and then he realises how miserable he is.

I remember reading this. My DC did have an intense teenage relationship, but nothing at this level. Now 24, and only Face Book friends with them!

It is difficult, but I think the sports activity might be your in. Reminding him how much he enjoys it, encouraging him to engage with the friends he does it with. I am not sure there will be any help from the girlfriend's mother, as clearly she's in charge not her mum. Is it possible that your son is getting to a point when he might welcome you actually putting a line in the sand that he could use as an excuse?

Finally, I expect you do this, keep on about contraception because (for both of them) teenage brain can, in my experience make this confusing no matter how open and direct you are about it.

@Bibidy
“Teen relationships can be so intense and the likelihood is it will burn itself out at some point. It sounds like the more you try and protect your son”

Would you say the same thing if you replaced DS with DD and gf with bf? I think PP would be calling this abuse if OP’s DD was in an abusive relationship with their bf. This relationship isn’t just an “intense teen relationship,” this boy is being abused.

@Roselilly36

I am a mum to two DS 19 & 17, so I can understand your concern

Teenage relationships can often be very intense. But what can you do? Advise him? I doubt very much that he will listen, being young & in love did you listen to your mum, I know I didn’t. He needs to learn for himself what a healthy relationship is. It’s the hardest lesson to learn.

My advice would be to step back, don’t comment on it.

Usually these types of relationships fizzle out quickly, so be there ready to pick up the pieces.

This.

No it’s not normal or healthy.

No he’s unlikely to listen to you.

Have you had a very blunt talk with him about contraception ? None of this pussy footing around talk about “being careful “. Too many teens think that means the withdrawal method.

Tell him he needs to wear a condom every single time for the whole time as well as her being on the pill.

I tell my teenage sons “ every time you cum inside a girl you lose the choice as to when you become a father “.

They die of embarrassment but at least I’ve spelled it out to them.

They also know that if they get a girl pregnant I fully expect them to give up their lives to bring that child up and earn enough to support it. It’s just as much their responsibility as hers. There will be no walking away and sending the odd tenner when they feel like it.

Esh op I used to see someone who was very controlling. My family is very dysfunctional(not saying yours is) but they used to play on that and amplifier it so justify isolating me away from them. All the things they used to say somehow got into my young impressionable head and even I started to paint my own family in a bad light. Likelihood is your ds is going back to his gf and complaining about all the things you said and she is using that to her advantage, eg. See this is why you should just hang out with me instead. They will just bounce off each other.

Its sounds like you cant really do right from wrong with him, he is on the defence and in denial. I would. As hard as it, let him ride this one out and be there to support him when it ends. Always remind him you are there but take a step back otherwise you may end up pushing him away. He will come to eventually. There will be a moment of realisation/breaking point for him it's just a matter of when. I just really hope this gf of his doesnt get pregnant in the meantime, otherwise she'll have him around her little finger

This is obviously an old Thread post .

If your son is still dating this girl,
then yes your instincts are totally spot on correct.

She sounds extremly needy and very manipulative (controlling )

Its Defiantly Not a healthy relantship at All !

He is far too young to be getting so emotionally involved invested .

Even if your son was grown up

This would still be a Toxic emotionally abusive relantship !

ps I hope your son has come to his senses and got rid ditched her !

She is bad news and a serious head fuck (head case ) with all that drama stuff nonsense

He needs to get out escape this kind of crap

Also help him to improve his self Cofindence in different ways op

He needs too. as his self esteem self Cofindence is taking a battering with this one his girlfriend

I think you need to talk to him about healthy relationship boundaries, it’s not normal, especially for someone of his age.
Not that I want to assume they’re sexually active but I know of a similar situation to this, where the girl got pregnant at 16, (she wanted a baby!) the boy had only just turned 16 when she was pregnant, apparently she told him she was on the pill too but it later turned out she wasn’t and she wanted a baby!

When mine were teenagers and sometimes in some fairly revolting relationships, I mostly was a sounding board so that the awful parts were commiserated and aired. That seemed to allow them to see how the relationship wasn’t working and they petered out so I never had to say that I hated the new boyfriend.
I didn’t have them move out on me at 16 so that’s a tough one though.
If he’s hardly ever there , it’s hard to have a conversation. Although am I right in thinking that the gf’s parents are colluding against you having him in for dinner during the week? That is truly awful as it pits you against the three of them all controlling your poor son. Could you have another meeting with both the parents and you and dh and thrash it out and : state what the problem is and what solutions can they come up with. Don’t be derailed by stories of hysterical girl, keep stating your problem until solutions are reached.
Your son does sound completely unaware of his own privilege. I would back off talking about the gf and talk about anything else that interests him. Maybe read about communication skills , how to talk so kids will listen, this will totally defuse rows and allow your son’s anger to be heard. He might be secretly desperate to dump her but doesn’t want you to be right about her so in a lose-lose situation.

Is he keeping up with his studies? I’d be concerned with that he isn’t doing his work.

[quote CuteBear]@Bibidy
“Teen relationships can be so intense and the likelihood is it will burn itself out at some point. It sounds like the more you try and protect your son”

Would you say the same thing if you replaced DS with DD and gf with bf? I think PP would be calling this abuse if OP’s DD was in an abusive relationship with their bf. This relationship isn’t just an “intense teen relationship,” this boy is being abused.[/quote]
Yeah I would tbh.

Obviously there are red flags but teen relationships are not normal, I don't think you can judge them by adult standards. There is always screaming and shouting and drama. I remember myself and several friends being in relationships at that age and you just don't know how to conduct yourself as all of the feelings are so new. Jealousy and insecurity is totally rife.

I personally think the problem in this situation is the GF's parents - it's their responsibility to give their daughter boundaries and they're not doing it, so she is running amok and is obsessed with her boyfriend.

I'm just saying I think OP is better off being there as a support for her son but not trying to 'get in the way' (as he will see it, not saying she is) because he's in a delicate phase and that could push him even further towards the gf. It would be awful if that gf's mum ends up suggesting that he moves in with her and her daughter, or even that she helps them rent their own place or something!

Hey OP, you may find some resources about teen relationships on headspace here headspace.org.au/friends-and-family/understanding-teenage-relationships/ - it’s an Australian site and there’s also a number you or your son can call.

Stand by with dustpan and brush. This can't last, poor boy.

I remember this thread from before - I'm so sorry that you are still going through this.

He is obviously in an abusive relationship with a highly unstable girl. Have you talked to him about how he would react if a girl was being treated like this by a boy? What advice he would give her?

He is being abused, and her family is colluding in it. My fear - and yours, clearly - is that she will use pregnancy (real or imagined) as leverage over him to raise the stakes if he tries to pull away. This needs to be made really clear to him.

I would definitely try to talk to her parents again - I would probably be more blunt though about how you see your son being manipulated out of doing the things he loves for FEAR of being shouted at and threatened, and that you need for them to back off on the pseudo-parenting. That clearly the relationship is not healthy for their daughter either, and perhaps SHE also needs a break from your son, even if she doesn't see it that way?

Hopefully he will be too embarrassed to drop out of his sport for the girlfriend and wouldn't want to have to explain that to his friends.

My brother had a girlfriend who was pretty controlling but not this bad. The way theirs ended... After he went to uni a year before her and travelled a long way back to see her quite often (and not seeing his own family), when it was her turn to go to uni, she had his visit her in freshers week so she could dump him. It was so frustrating while they were together, she was such an outgoing person (I knew her from primary school), but she wouldn't ever be in the same room as us. He lost most of his friends during this relationship though although had rebuilt some of those relationships over the years. About half of them not though because he moved away after uni. His next girlfriend (now wife) we love to bits and I consider her my sister!

She sounds just like my first boyfriend I had at that age. It traumatised me so much and I thought that what relationships were like, so I didn't have another one until my 20s.

He would cry when it was time for me to leave his house, he'd wait for me at the school bus stop with expensive gifts and if I said I had plans he'd huff off and accuse me of being ungrateful.

He would call me all the time and hated it if I said I couldn't talk.

In a grown man that behaviour would be abusive. Looking back, I think he was a 16 year old boy in the first throws of love who didn't know how to handle it. But it really wasn't healthy.

I have a 24 year old who was with a girl from 16-20 who was rather similar. Just wanted to say the breakup was horrendous but he eventually came through it very well and all subsequent girlfriends have been very independent and lovely girls - it helped him figure out what he wanted. So this too shall pass. Just keep him on side - that's the best advice I ever had with teenagers - do not alienate them, but smile encouragingly as they edge towards the right conclusions themselves.

This is horrendous. Fingers crossed she doesn't get pregnant.

This is so difficult and I really feel for you. We aren't overly happy with our dcs relationship but we have just backed off, put as much boundaries in place as we can and we never bad mouth the other one. I appreciate things are more serious in your sons case and I wish you well as I don't have an answer. I'd just love bomb him, not in a competitive way with the GF mother, just little shows of all you've done and will done and anything beneficial that has disappeared since he started acting like a sod.

Good luck.

In answer to your new question about how to get the gf's dm to back off a bit, maybe this sport / hobby is a good reason to contact her again and just explain how much it means to your ds and how he has put so much time into before now - you will transport him to it, you will fund the stuff for it (there is usually stuff needed) and you want him to be part of it still. No criticism of gf, but just a bit of a change in how things go forward with you knowing all about this sport / hobby thing and she maybe doesn't. The gf's mum sounds weak but not unreasonable, so she might be able to go along with this a little without her dd kicking off too much? You only want a little bit of movement, not full on miracles here. I wish you the very best of luck with this as I remember this stage with my ds and how crazy his first gf was when you scratched the surface. I hope your ds gets stuck into his sport / hobby as soon as possible and it takes over his life and all his spare time and I hope he will be able to reconnect with his good friends and this will all blow over. He might surprise you.

Wow, I have a 16 year old and I can understand how difficult this must be since it isn't easy to get them to do something if they don't want to.

I think the time for sitting back has probably passed. I would go to the parents' house and tell them that you are seriously concerned about this and that they need to respect your family. They are not to pick him up and take him to their house for dinner/to see their daughter at work etc. They are not to take him to school or collect him from school.
Remind them that he is a minor and tell them that if they do not comply with your requests you will be taking the matter further. I would tell them that if they can assist in keeping this relationship at a normal healthy level with some balance in his life then you will permit DS to still come to their home but going forwards this will be limited during the week due to school and at weekends he is expected to spend a day at home.

I would then talk to school and explain your concerns and ask for their assistance in ensuring that she is not monopolising all of his time at school. If they are in classes together then they need separating. I would be talking about abuse and coercion and raise it as a serious safeguarding matter (in respect of the parents and the way they are engineering and facilitating this situation).

If he wants to do his hobby, then support him to-by being the bad guy who won't let him give up?

If she dumps him for it would he accept that if she really cared she wouldn't do that?