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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move..

105 replies

Dovecote · 25/12/2020 20:26

DH has a son from his first marriage. I've known him since he was 7. His mother has constantly dripped poison in his ear for years. We have tried everything to maintain a good relationship with him and to support him in every way we can but it's just failed. He has made it clear he doesn't like us and doesn't value us in his life. DH has been offered a job in my home country where we'd have a much bigger support network and where my family live. We have 2 children together who would really benefit from the move. They adore their half brother but the feeling just isn't mutual. DH thinks we can go now as this Christmas DSS doesn't even want to come by to get his presents. I'm still torn. Are we being unreasonable to move?

OP posts:
Jalapinot · 25/12/2020 20:28

How old is your SS?

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2020 20:28

How old is he? How often do you currently see him? How often would DH see him if you moved? How far away would it be?

If you move and DH doesn’t try to maintain at least the opportunity for regular contact then the relationship will definitely be over.

Is DH on board with moving?

Original poster
Dovecote · 25/12/2020 20:55

Sorry DSS is 17.

OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 25/12/2020 21:23

At 17 I think it's fine to move of he's not even spending time with you regularly. Of course I'd keep the door open, make it clear you'll buy him a ticket to visit whenever he wants etc.

TaraR2020 · 25/12/2020 21:49

I'm not sure whether I'd agree that it's fine to move away from a 17yo without more thought.

He's a teenager, teenagers don't always want to see family over Christmas- even parents. He might be pushing his father away right now, but that doesn't mean he doesn't need him and I'd be concerned that he'd feel abandoned and devalued.

OK so he's nearly 18, but...he's still got a way to go before he's really an adult. I'm not saying definitely don't go, just...tread carefully. A 17yo boy, he might pretend he doesn't care/ won't care that may not be truth, so if you go be prepared for emotional consequences.

I could be completely wrong of course, but you haven't put much about their relationship and I have several male friends who've never forgiven their fathers for absences in their lives, weather through long work hours or otherwise. And the attitude they always projected was that they didn't care. They did.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 25/12/2020 21:54

How much regular contact does he have with you.

If you bought him a ticket would be be able to travel to see yous?

Tbh if your DH is tontine with it id just go with it. Its better for your 2 DC and you and your DH has decided he is ok with it

Original poster
Dovecote · 26/12/2020 09:06

He used to come EOW up until this past year. We would offer to buy him tickets to see us but I don't think we will see much of him. It's just the sadness of how it's all turned out.

OP posts:
DuzzyFuck · 26/12/2020 09:22

Honestly OP I would go, so long as you leave lines of communication and the option for him to visit open.

He's 17, there's nothing to say that HE couldn't up and move half way across the world tomorrow. I moved country at 20 and have never returned.

If the move is a good one for the rest of your family unit then do it. Don't hold everyone back for the sake of one almost-adult who is capable of his own decisions. It would be very different if he were a young child of course.

Original poster
Dovecote · 26/12/2020 10:07

@DuzzyFuck He's not going anywhere. He has mediocre grades and no ambition or interests outside gaming. He's seemed depressed for a long time to me. I feel bad going but I think DH is ready to let go. It's been one long old road and I really hoped we wouldn't end up here.

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 26/12/2020 10:49

@Dovecote

He used to come EOW up until this past year. We would offer to buy him tickets to see us but I don't think we will see much of him. It's just the sadness of how it's all turned out.
OK, this is a fair point but in the interests of fairness the last year has been dominated by covid - many people haven't seen their closest relatives. Either because they're not allowed, because their mental health is bad or because they're being cautious.

Again, not saying you shouldn't go just questioning your reasoning- maybe he's really struggled with his mental health this year and not said anything? Again, it's something boys are far less likely to admit to let alone talk about.

WildfirePonie · 26/12/2020 11:02

I would move OP, it is best for your family and DC and DH also wants to.

WildfirePonie · 26/12/2020 11:03

I would move OP, it is best for your family and DC and DH also wants to.

Original poster
Dovecote · 26/12/2020 11:54

@TaraR2020 I think he's struggled with his mental health for a long time but he refuses to engage about it. He has an eating disorder that his mother refused to acknowledge. DH dragged him to the doctors when he was 14 and his weight fell to the first centile. He looked like a skeleton. His weight is better now but his mother played it as your father thinks something is wrong with you. The relationship never really came back after that year of doctors appointments. I guess I feel like in some ways DH is just worn out and running away. Maybe at this point that's not the wrong thing to do.

OP posts:
NorthernBirdAtHeart · 26/12/2020 12:37

YABU.

He may be 17, but he’s clearly struggling from what you’ve said, and needs unconditional love and support, not two fingers up whilst you swan off to live in another country with your ‘new’ children.
If your DH is really serious about leaving his son like this, I’d be questioning whether he was the right DH for me.

YourWurstNightmare · 26/12/2020 12:54

I think DH is ready to let go

He has a 17-year-old son with mental health issues and by your comments, is struggling to launch into adulthood. This is a critical point in this young man's life and your DH wants to 'let go'? He is being very unreasonable.

CakeRequired · 26/12/2020 12:57

It is the wrong thing to do. You don't run away from your child just because it's gotten difficult. Hmm Jesus what is he going to be like when your two together get difficult? Run away to yet another country? Hmm

His son is depressed, has an eating disorder, a mum that doesn't care and now his dad wants to run off too. Yeah that's a great idea.. really make him feel loved.

Just wondering how did you meet his dad?

Original poster
Dovecote · 26/12/2020 14:02

How should DH help a nearly 18 year old who doesn't wish to engage? We offered tutors when school was hard. No. We offered private school fees. No. We offered private therapy. No. His mother does care she just has a different view. He doesn't have an eating disorder "he's skinny". He's not depressed "He's a teenager." The list goes on. She will happily see him never fly the nest. She does absolutely everything for him. He can't cook. He's never cleaned anything. We went through court 3x. DH has listened to every bit of professional advice he's been given. Do we stay here for an adult child who doesn't want to see us in case he decides on the off chance he might?

OP posts:
CakeRequired · 26/12/2020 14:05

Yes you do. Would you abandon your children in the exact same circumstances? Would you walk away from your own children, knowing they are starving themselves, depressed and think nothing of themselves, possibly a suicide risk? Would you do that?

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 26/12/2020 14:25

What would you do Dovecote, if this was your child? Because your kids will be teenagers one day, and it’s hard enough going through the teen years, without being abandoned by a parent. Doesn’t matter a bit that he’s nearly 18, he’s clearly messed up and needs support. In your own words, his mother ‘doesn’t care’, so I’d have thought it even more important that his father steps up. Offering tutoring or paying expensive school fees means absolutely nothing. It’s time spent with him, making an effort, letting him know that he is loved unconditionally. This poor boy has clearly been sidelined by his father in favour of you and his step siblings, and is suffering. YABVU.

Original poster
Dovecote · 26/12/2020 14:34

@NorthernBirdAtHeart DH has spent every minute of contact he's had with DSS. Of course he's let him know he's loved. He's even gamed for the last two years as it seems to be the only thing DSS is interested in. If he refuses to see/speak to DH how exactly is he meant to support him? DSS has been in no way sidelined for his half siblings. Every holiday for years has been built around what would suit DSS.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 26/12/2020 14:47

I cannot believe your DH is “ready to let go” of his 17 son. My parents weren’t great, but I can’t imagine either of them abandoning us in another country, no matter what teenage difficulties we were going through.

I have moved overseas myself a couple of times and used to be on forums relating to that. The number of people that claimed they were moving for a “better life” for the children when in fact they were moving from one first world country to another was unbelievable. Very few that had ever made the move said that, it was always the ones just thinking about it. So I am wondering are you really sure they would really benefit from the move? Do you think they will thank you for effectively terminating the relationship with their half sibling, because It is quite possible this is what the end result will be.

KatieGGGG · 26/12/2020 14:48

Sorry but I think you’re being very unreasonable.

His child is going through a mental health crisis and he’s considering moving away? He’s clearly not as good a dad as you think.

He needs to be there for his child. Their relationship won’t recover if he pisses off at this critical age.

Waveysnail · 26/12/2020 14:55

Give dss the option to come with you? Make him aware he has a room in you new home abroad and you will pay for flights for him to visit?

TeenageMutantNinjaCovid · 26/12/2020 14:57

@Dovecote

How should DH help a nearly 18 year old who doesn't wish to engage? We offered tutors when school was hard. No. We offered private school fees. No. We offered private therapy. No. His mother does care she just has a different view. He doesn't have an eating disorder "he's skinny". He's not depressed "He's a teenager." The list goes on. She will happily see him never fly the nest. She does absolutely everything for him. He can't cook. He's never cleaned anything. We went through court 3x. DH has listened to every bit of professional advice he's been given. Do we stay here for an adult child who doesn't want to see us in case he decides on the off chance he might?
Time Love reassurance

Sounds like you threw cash but didnt really try and connect

StormcloakNord · 26/12/2020 15:01

I don't think you'll ever really get non-biased views on here. You'll get scorned women of husbands who have left screaming that you're abandoning an innocent child and you'll get people in a similar situation saying to go for it & that it can't be helped.

I've never been in a situation like this before and my first thought when I read this was just go. Move to the new country and keep the line of communication open. At 17 he's no longer a child and you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.

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