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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move..

105 replies

Dovecote · 25/12/2020 20:26

DH has a son from his first marriage. I've known him since he was 7. His mother has constantly dripped poison in his ear for years. We have tried everything to maintain a good relationship with him and to support him in every way we can but it's just failed. He has made it clear he doesn't like us and doesn't value us in his life. DH has been offered a job in my home country where we'd have a much bigger support network and where my family live. We have 2 children together who would really benefit from the move. They adore their half brother but the feeling just isn't mutual. DH thinks we can go now as this Christmas DSS doesn't even want to come by to get his presents. I'm still torn. Are we being unreasonable to move?

OP posts:
SebastianTheCrab · 27/12/2020 01:37

Why is everyone talking about the son being able to visit when travel is currently fucked? So if the family move it's completely up in the air when DSS might even be able to visit.

There is a massive difference between between staying in the same country as someone to offer support, even if they are rejecting it, and moving. It's completely different to him making the choice to move eg to uni.

This is such a sad thread. Poor DSS. He's rejecting you and his dad because he's trying to get you to prove your love to him. He probably never got over his parents separating.

SebastianTheCrab · 27/12/2020 01:38

OP that's not to say I don't sympathize with you wanting to move for support. But there's no way round the fact that doing so will likely be v painful for DSS and possibly damage his relationship with his dad further.

CakeRequired · 27/12/2020 07:57

@SebastianTheCrab

Yep exactly what I'm getting at. He wants proof that he is loved. This move will just look like abandonment to him.

I would fully support the move if dss was a normal 17 year old with no issues, even if his mum was spouting poison at him, as likely he wouldn't be believing it anymore. But he still is, he's got massive mental health problems and this will make it worse.

Bollss · 27/12/2020 08:33

[quote KatieGGGG]@TrustTheGeneGenie and I think the exact same of any person who could do that. Not highly.[/quote]
Ok well there are a lot of them still having successful relationships with their kids regardless of what a random on the internet thinks Smile

Bollss · 27/12/2020 08:35

Armchair psychologists out in full force this morning I see Grin

How do you both know exactly how he's feeling and what he wants?

CakeRequired · 27/12/2020 09:28

How do you know? Smile If you could possibly be right, so could we. Open your mind a little.

Original poster
Dovecote · 27/12/2020 10:06

@Porridgeoat He's doing A levels. He will be going to uni next year. It's not drivable. He would need to fly. His relationship with his half siblings are what give me the most pause as they really love him. They find not seeing him much now hard. Although the older one took it fairly personally that DSS couldn't be bothered to come on Christmas to get his presents. DS spent a lot of time choosing and wrapping etc. It might be easier on the younger two in some ways if we were further away. I just don't know.

OP posts:
Bollss · 27/12/2020 10:11

@CakeRequired

How do you know? Smile If you could possibly be right, so could we. Open your mind a little.
How do I know? Well I've got quite a bit more experience than you for a start off. I'm also not claiming to know how he feels or will feel.
StormcloakNord · 27/12/2020 10:26

Why is anyone even entertaining @CakeRequired ?!

No kids, never been married - probably the least qualified person to give any input whatsoever?!

CakeRequired · 27/12/2020 10:47

@StormcloakNord

And yet other people have said the same as me. Maybe you should go and check if they have kids and are married too. But what will you do if they have both? Grin

Original poster
Dovecote · 27/12/2020 10:50

Don't feed it.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 27/12/2020 11:00

3 full contested child arragements cases in 10 years? Animosity against the mother because she cooks for her child and does his laundry? Yes, he should learn, but it's not exactly the mark of a terrible mother, is it? Now your husband is considering fucking off out of the country and leaving his teenager behind, as still a troubled school boy?

I say leave. Leave. Things may actually improve for him without the animosity and family court fights.

Original poster
Dovecote · 27/12/2020 11:09

We went back 3x because she was breaching the order. She was told to stop alienating DH. Over the years I'd say he was available for contact time maybe 40% of the time? She pulled all sorts of fun stunts like going away for a holiday last minute when she'd had 6 months notice and had agreed our holiday plans so DSS wasn't available when we collected him to go to the airport. DSS was distraught to have missed the holiday. DH and DSS had spent months researching a dive site of an old wreck they wanted to explore together. DH stayed behind and went to the house every day for 3 days. Paid to for a brand new ticket for him. And finally joined us alone on day 4. She has played all sorts of games. She's not a nice woman and it's no surprise DSS has issues. But it's all in the past now. It's what we do moving forward.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 27/12/2020 11:25

How old was DSS when the holiday incident happened?

Original poster
Dovecote · 27/12/2020 11:32

He was 12. But honestly rehashing old events is going to help no one. It was what it was and we supported DSS as best we could. It was gutting for everyone. And it was just a long string of incidents.

OP posts:
ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas · 27/12/2020 12:00

Wait till he is at uni, then he will have moved away himself (I'm assuming).
You don't owe the ex any consideration given what you've posted, but I don't see how this could be felt as anything other than an abandonment by the teenager.

Bollss · 27/12/2020 12:07

@PicsInRed

3 full contested child arragements cases in 10 years? Animosity against the mother because she cooks for her child and does his laundry? Yes, he should learn, but it's not exactly the mark of a terrible mother, is it? Now your husband is considering fucking off out of the country and leaving his teenager behind, as still a troubled school boy?

I say leave. Leave. Things may actually improve for him without the animosity and family court fights.

Nice ignoring of the parental alienation there. Weird.
RandomMess · 27/12/2020 13:15

Any chance he could go to uni where you are moving to or is there a language barrier?

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2020 13:23

Reading your posts cold is odd op. You say you’re struggling with leaving him but any suggestion you shouldn’t and you lash out in anger at the suggestion. It’s very contradictory.

Taikoo · 27/12/2020 13:25

I would move.

Hoghedge10 · 27/12/2020 13:34

*Bluntness100

Reading your posts cold is odd op. You say you’re struggling with leaving him but any suggestion you shouldn’t and you lash out in anger at the suggestion. It’s very contradictory.*

Indeed!

I know cake is getting a particularly hard time here and I'm not sure why? I agree with a lot of what they have posted and think moving now will really impact your SS. It really doesn't matter what the mother is or isn't doing right now, the most important thing is your husband proving to his child how much he loves and cares for him even if that means putting himself out, driving to his house, parking outside and trying to get SS to see him and making this effort everytime his contact day is.

PicsInRed · 27/12/2020 13:36

@Dovecote

He was 12. But honestly rehashing old events is going to help no one. It was what it was and we supported DSS as best we could. It was gutting for everyone. And it was just a long string of incidents.
On that occasion, I would question whether she was concerned about her 12 year old wreck diving - I wouldn't want my child wreck diving ever until he was an adult.

Of course, she could be a nutty nightmare of a mother, some are. But wouldn't you then stick around to help the child? Why not at least wait until he's fully grown - a few more years?

Bollss · 27/12/2020 13:38

Seriously? Doesn't matter what mum is doing. Maybe she was worried about wreck diving?

Fuck me. Mothers really can do no wrong on this site can they?

If it was dad doing this shit he'd get ripped an new arsehole but no mummy is just probably worried about her wittle baby boy....

Fuck sake. Insanity.

TaraR2020 · 27/12/2020 14:59

From what I've read, I really do agree with @SebastianTheCrab, I'm afraid.

I also think it sounds like it may harm your children to impose the distance between them and their brother.

That said, I have the utmost sympathy for you @Dovecote because you're clearly all struggling and feeling lost. I just think that as parents it's up to you to be the bigger people.

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 27/12/2020 15:12

YABVVU because you said your DH is ready to give up on his son.
Clearly it’s difficult. DSS has some mental health problems at the moment, and he’s pushing you guys away. This must be frustrating and upsetting.
But you don’t just give up on your child when times have been tough, chalk it up to experience and sail off into the sunset.
How could he even contemplate this?

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