To move..

[Dovecote]

DH has a son from his first marriage. I've known him since he was 7. His mother has constantly dripped poison in his ear for years. We have tried everything to maintain a good relationship with him and to support him in every way we can but it's just failed. He has made it clear he doesn't like us and doesn't value us in his life. DH has been offered a job in my home country where we'd have a much bigger support network and where my family live. We have 2 children together who would really benefit from the move. They adore their half brother but the feeling just isn't mutual. DH thinks we can go now as this Christmas DSS doesn't even want to come by to get his presents. I'm still torn. Are we being unreasonable to move?

I never said DH is giving up on his son. His perspective is that DSS is going to university next year and he's hardly going to be visiting us every other weekend when at uni. And for any breaks he can fly to us if he fancies it. DSS is going to have to decide he wants to see us. We wouldn't be going until this summer. DSD thinks her brother is being a complete prat and we should go but I think she fancies a nice holiday home!

Yesterday you said he wasn’t going anywhere as he had no ambition and mediocre grades. Today your partner’s not abandoning his son as he’s off to university? Which is it?

You want to move beside your family which is entirely understandable, but your partner has thrown the toys out the pram because his son wouldn’t visit at Xmas. You seem quite keen to capitalise on this for an outcome you want, and your partner has now decided to opt-out of being a dad because it’s got a bit rough.

It’s really sad and I hope at least one person in his life prioritises him.

I also have no idea why someone not having children means they’re a troll? The only experience anyone needs to give an informed comment on this is to have parents. You’ll get plenty of parents who have been able to do this telling you you’re right from their eyes, but it’s only the perspective of the child that matters.

I would go. DSS will be going to university. BUT make sure that you have the provisions to buy his flights any time he wishes, and make sure DH can be there for firsts, such as taking him to uni.

This could actually be the break that you all need to bond. By flying over he will have uninterrupted time away from his mum, and you will have to be together for a longer period.

With technology, he can maintain daily contact. Make sure he has the means to maintain contact. Even if it is just a quick call a day.

I think you are getting a hard time for using the wrong words but it is very clear to me what you mean.

As long as the door is always open, you should do what is right for the majority.

@KatieGGGG He isn't going anywhere as in he won't leave home. He does have mediocre grades but intents to apply to a local uni so will be enrolled assuming his grades hold but who knows what's happening with A levels this year .

Just trying to put a bit of nuance here...

It’s a difficult situation but let’s try to see it from a more practical lens rather than emotional. This kid is 17, and lots of kids at 17 are living away from home. I know that my soul searching and discovery was not achieved by staying at home with my parents but rather travelling and going away for my studies. I’ve always felt loved and cared for even from afar.
Your son doesn’t live with you, so you are entitled to choose where you live without concern.

Where are you planning to go? Are we speaking car trip or plane trip?

Now emotionally I think you would feel much better if you spoke about the move with your son directly and your husband. Gauge his reaction before saying anything is decided, discuss it together.

Let us know how you get on with your decision but I see it as far less black and white than some posters here and don’t think you should be made feel guilty for considering the move. It’s your life too.