AIBU to spend all day crying as I am away from my children

[TrueFreshness]

Have split up with husband and the children are with him this Christmas. I can't bear it. We did an early Christmas this year but it wasn't the same. He never bothered with Christmas before we split up. I know I will probably have them next year but how can I get through today and Boxing Day? I just want to cry and cry.

Have a big virtual hug. I wouldn’t like this either.

I’ve been away from my children before on Christmas but this year it’s hit me harder than ever. I suppose it’s such a hard year anyway and that just makes it worse.

I’ve cried too this morning and everything seems to be setting me off more :( Remember it’s only a day and it’ll be over soon. Relax, have a drink and just let the day pass.

Chin up.

Don't waste the day - go out for a walk etc.

i'm sure it is hard but it is just a day - and it might be worth reflecting that the bereavement board is full of people who won't ever get to spend christmas with their loved ones again.

I’m sorry you’re feeling rubbish. I’m in the same position but a few years down the line.

We’ve got through it by creating our own way of doing Christmas. There are all sorts of families and all sorts of ways of celebrating.

In terms of today - would it help to just put something on the tv and ignore Christmas? I’m currently watching Come Dine with Me 😂😂

Are you on Twitter? If so, Sarah Millican runs the #JoinIn event every year - lots of people supporting each other with flying solo for xmas.

Thank you both My children are my world and I am single so don't have a "special someone" to share the day with, I think maybe if I did it would be easier.
I feel physically pained. I keep telling myself if I was a nurse or doctor etc. I would have to work at Christmas sometimes but I know it's not the same. My ex was so smug about it too, which makes it worse. I want to go back to sleep for the rest of the day but I can't

Thanks I will check out #joinin x

@Opinionatedfreak sorry I wasn't meaning to belittle anyone's experiences of bereavement, apologies if it came across that way x

It's just a day.
As long as your children have a great time, that's all that matters.

I do have a DP but in all honesty it doesn’t help today - yes for the rest of the holidays but not for Christmas Day - I don’t want a relaxed coupley Christmas Day, I want a manic one full of unwrapping and chocolate!

Don’t feel bad about wasting the day or treating it like just another day. If I was alone I’d probably do the ironing, read, do a crossword and ignore Christmas altogether. Having to “join in” is actually making it worse for me.

Here’s to crap 2020 Christmases. 🥂

twitter.com/LuxuryMoon/status/1330841830628487168?s=20

There you go OP.

Honestly, try CDWM also. It’s weirdly engrossing.

I hated being without my dcs even at weekends when XH left. I passed my time by drunkenly joiner tinder one weekend, while listening to loud music and not having to cook. It really helped, just the distraction I needed. Plus I did meet my now DP in the first week. That was three years ago.

Otherwise, today, just watch anything you want on tv, get a takeaway, enjoy listening to your favourite music without having to think of anyone else. Don’t drink too much, but have a wee one, or cake or whatever and just get through the day

Cheers Michael 🥂
Think you might be right actually, it is the DC I am missing, not my exH or indeed any other ex 😂 feel like less of a mum, somehow.

@opinionatedfreak

Chin up. Don't waste the day - go out for a walk etc.

i'm sure it is hard but it is just a day - and it might be worth reflecting that the bereavement board is full of people who won't ever get to spend christmas with their loved ones again.

There's always one

Ah OP, do something that gives you pleasure. Have a long soak in a bubble bath with a glass of something you like. Eat what you like watch what you like. Next time save Christmas with the kids for when you get them back rather than before.

Gamer - yes I will definitely do Xmas after next time to avoid the anticlimax!!

Parhead I know that DCs having fun is the priority and I would never try to stop them having a nice time with their dad however this thread was about my feeling alone on Xmas day as a newly single parent who's spending Xmas away from them for the first time ever.

My DC are at their dad's. Although we do a swap this evening so one of us gets to do Xmas on Xmas day and the other gets to do it on boxing day. Could that work for future years maybe?

In the meantime, I usually go for a walk then slob on the sofa watching films the DC won't watch. But yes, it's really hard...especially the first one. Plus I think this year people are noticing the loneliness more because of the covid restrictions we've had for months.

Sorry you have such a hard day OP. Try and rest, relax and take the time to fully recharge your batteries so you can make the days extra special when the DC come back home to you xx

Hey OP 👋🏻 This is my 4th xmas as separated co-parents or whatever you want to call it. The first one sans enfants was horrible! You’re not being miserable or self pitying or anything- it’s totally normal to find this one tough. FWIW this year is ‘my’ xmas but the only way DC could see their beloved GPs who they haven’t seen since March was to have xmas with their dad so I volunteered he could have them after they’d done stockings here. I don’t think I’d have done that 4 years ago- you will adapt a bit. I’d write today off as pp’s suggest and be proud you got through it

I feel your pain @TrueFreshness. Newly separated too and just dropped the kids at my old ( lovely) house and their dad who never made any effort for the last 14 years but has pulled the stops out this year for them. I did have last night/this morning with them. You aren't any less of a Mum, you are an amazing mum who is letting your kids have a positive relationship with their Dad.

My kids are at their dads for a second year in a row urgh it’s hard as there’s no build up on Christmas Eve none of the excitement etc
It’s not the same at all
It’s very difficult and pretty shitty
I really feel for you op. I was on my own all day yesterday. It’s hard not having family to visit either you can’t fill your time as you can’t visit no one can visit you etc etc

Don’t cry but try to have a nice day potter about have a nice bath, make sure you look after you and FaceTime kids later?...

Honestly.. I really like the ones without them. I take pleasure in the later start, the quiet civilised breakfast, doing precisely what I want with no call on my time or attention. Same on usual contact weekends.. I do stuff for me that I can't do when they're about. Right now I'm with my parents, quietly reading / mumsnetting / having the odd drink here and there. We'll do loud Christmas in a few days when they are back. That's my only advice really.. I actually found the first couple if xmasses with them harder as the absence of ex was more noticeable.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the lovely, kind messages, I really appreciate it. To the PP who mentioned weekends - yes I hate those as well, it feels so quiet without them and before we split up I'd never had more than 24 hours away from the DC. I might check out Tinder too

I think next year we might try and "share" Christmas with one doing Xmas eve and the other Boxing Day and sharing the day itself though I can imagine handing over halfway through Christmas Day might be quite sad (DC might prefer that though). I was trying to be reasonable this year and nice, but my ex is never nice to me so not sure why I bothered!

Everyone I know is amazed that I am expected to share the holidays after what exH has put me through and given how little childcare he did but it seems like 50/50 is now what the courts go for.

i woujldnt have been nice should have just said can we share the day

Hi OP, just wading in to say I'm also without my child this year for Christmas day. It's been a few years of co-parenting and it does get easier but the first year was rough. You'll get in to the swing of it....boxing day becomes your Christmas day and you learn to appreciate the time to yourself. But it's hard, so hard, when social media is surrounding you with perfect family photos. Sending you a hug

Depends on age a litre, but splitting Christmas Day can be rough on children. It means they can’t settle with their new toys, because they’ll be off to their other house.

Having TWO Christmases on the other hand....

You get used to it. I've been doing alternate Christmases with my ex for years as we split up when DS was 10 months. I'm on my own today, it's ex's turn and I'm also single. I know DS is having a great time at his dad's and I can do whatever I fancy today. DS will be back tomorrow and we can do our own Christmas then.

So sorry op. It must be very hard to be away from your children for the first time. I would struggle too.

I think the suggestions given so far are great. Celebrating Xmas after Xmas on Xmas when you don’t have the kids is a great idea....I’m sure the kid would love having something to look forward to as well.

Maybe if you have future Xmas days without them you should get involved in something local. I have a friend who (usually though not this year because of covid) helps at an elderly peoples home on Xmas day. Makes her feel good and keeps her busy and passes the day in a positive way.