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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to spend all day crying as I am away from my children

87 replies

TrueFreshness · 25/12/2020 12:36

Have split up with husband and the children are with him this Christmas. I can't bear it. We did an early Christmas this year but it wasn't the same. He never bothered with Christmas before we split up. I know I will probably have them next year but how can I get through today and Boxing Day? I just want to cry and cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrueFreshness · 25/12/2020 18:57

I guess in the end the kids will grow to know who did things for them and I’m sure over time they’ll make their own choices about who they spend time with.

I hope so!!

OP posts:
DecemberStar · 25/12/2020 19:00

It does get easier. I know what you mean about the loss of identity/role.

I bet they will be delighted to get back to you, whenever that is, though.

And don't you dare show your smug ex that you've been upset!! You've had a "lovely, if quieter than usual, time." Right?!

Original poster
TrueFreshness · 25/12/2020 19:04

Yes absolutely l, DememberStar Grin

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Original poster
TrueFreshness · 25/12/2020 19:10

Yes tbh OhioOhioOhio last year was horrible in a different was because ExH got shitfaced and lairy on Xmas eve, and made me feel unreasonable for being annoyed when it was meant to be a quiet drink with close friends. In all the photos (were with my extended family he is either absent or looking miserable and like he'd rather be anywhere else). Presents were all arranged by me but he took all the glory for them. Didn't thank my parents for his present. And got me the most thoughtless present ever to do with his hobby, that I have never shown an iota of interest in. So don't miss any of this Grin

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SuperCaliFragalistic · 25/12/2020 20:02

We have always split the day which works for us. Ex only lives a 10 min drive away though. This year I had xmas eve and the first half of xmas day on my own. I worked and then chilled out, wrapped presents and watched TV. You'll get used to it and the most important thing is that the DC are happy.

Noconceptofnormal · 25/12/2020 20:09

Yes, this will be me next year I expect. This year we have attempted to share it by him coming to the family home for some of the time.

The hard thing is that I know my kids won't want to spend Christmas without me (I'm not being big headed but I'm the one that goes to town with Christmas and makes it fun etc) which is just so sad for everyone. Sad

I guess I'll make boxing day lovely but my kids are at an age where they still believe in santa do there's only one magical moment where they all come down after FC has been. I imagine in two years my eldest will have twigged about FC so his year next year would be the last year of it being really magical.

It's so hard, and I don't know what I'll do but I guess if it is busy wrapping gifts and so on maybe it will pass quite quickly.

Agree though I don't have a partner, where as he does (the woman he left me for) so however hard today was at least he was then with someone he loves whereas I'll have no one.

Hope you got through it OP and you can just have an early night.

akerman · 25/12/2020 20:13

YANBU, but I hope you manage to enjoy a couple of peaceful days before your lovely kids come back xxx

KatieB55 · 25/12/2020 20:43
Flowers

I have been there and feel your pain. It does get easier as the years go by and you make new routines.

OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2020 21:08

Op I really and truly understand. The last 'family' Christmas we had was so, so miserable. I actually asked him to speak to me and say 'Happy Christmas'. He's vile. But. He has his rights. And they too have a right to find out he's a nasty piece of work.

Bootskates · 25/12/2020 21:21

I've been in a shit cycle of crying and sleeping all day. I feel your pain op Flowers

Roll on tomorrow!

Original poster
TrueFreshness · 25/12/2020 21:30

Bootskates Flowers Sad

I think that whilst the children's wishes are rightly the priority nobody appreciates how hard it is to do shared care at Christmas, birthdays etc. if you've always been the one doing it when you were a couple unless they have been there themself... and if there was more acknowledgement of this from society at large it might make it a bit easier. Everyone I've told is shocked and saddened for me when I have mentioned my scenario, but mostly jusy gobsmacked the DCs are not with me even though they wanted to be. Also seems that the worse the exH, the more hard it is to do shared care so you do end up doing longer stretches away from them. That said, if exH was a bit nicer, he probably wouldn't be my ex!

OP posts:
Original poster
TrueFreshness · 25/12/2020 21:37

Ohio - your ex sounds like mine! It is sad but I know that one day the DC will see ExH in all his NPD glory. That's if he and his family haven't completely turned them against me Envy

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OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2020 23:32

Op yes, I was just having that very conversation with my parents. I know he will ruin his chance with them because he ruins everything. He just does. Absolutely everything. I get my head organised to cope by counting my blessings. My xh doesn't give a shit about occasions, except now he thinks he is ruining mine. Wallow for a bit op. Drink some wine and watch shite on tele. It is very, very unfair.

Original poster
TrueFreshness · 26/12/2020 00:15

Sounds uncanny! I have come to realise exH is motivated by hate and getting one over on people. He has to go one better - but that's the only reason he'd do something nice for the DCs. Not to be nice for itself, just because then he has "won". It's not a nice way to live, really.

I have definitely taken advantage of all the so-crap-it's-good telly this year Grin

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Noconceptofnormal · 26/12/2020 06:56

Yes I do think it is awful that the DCs have to go to their dad's even though they'd rather be at home with you, this is what I can't get my head around, why is this seem as 'what is best'?

Genuinely, if the boot was on the other foot I couldn't pull my children away from the family home at Christmas time to make them spend it with me, I would put what they want first, it's just pure selfishness.

WouldBeGood · 26/12/2020 07:29

Mine are a bit older and so far have always chosen to spend Christmas with me. There’s no order re residence and they’ve been clear with him .I am pleased as like you I’d done all the arrangements for all festivities, and I also stayed with him for far longer than I should have because of my dread of not seeing my children on weekends and holidays.
Hope you’re ok. I’m sure your DCs will make their own choices too in time.

OhioOhioOhio · 26/12/2020 07:58

Thought I'd mention op that when mine come home initially it's not easy. I find they can be put of sorts and it takes ages to get back into a routine with their sleep. Don't build yourself up about it. I'd also suggest budgeting extra money to make more of advent during years where they have to go to his and perhaps have a mini before Christmas and Christmas again after. I understand your anger. And agree that their treat is fking up your life. Its sick.

Original poster
TrueFreshness · 26/12/2020 09:55

@WouldBeGood

Mine are a bit older and so far have always chosen to spend Christmas with me. There’s no order re residence and they’ve been clear with him .I am pleased as like you I’d done all the arrangements for all festivities, and I also stayed with him for far longer than I should have because of my dread of not seeing my children on weekends and holidays. Hope you’re ok. I’m sure your DCs will make their own choices too in time.
Quite honestly I am regretting splitting up with him as I foolishly thought that if we split up, I would get to carry on being the main carer and would do Christmases, birthdays etc. Didn't expect exH to suddenly become very interested in being a hands-on dad, nor did I expect to be pursued quite so aggressively through the courts; lastly I did not expect the courts to side with him quite so much. If I had my time over I'd have stayed with him a few more miserable years in order to have spent more time with the DC Sad
OP posts:
Michaelbaubles · 26/12/2020 12:05

@TrueFreshness how do you feel today? I must say the gloom has lifted for me and I’m enjoying the whole lie-in/leisurely breakfast today, which I really couldn’t yesterday.

EggBobbin · 26/12/2020 13:26

@TrueFreshness yep- you can totally include stuff like uniforms, trips, sports classes, parties etc in there. This year my ExH was so convinced he could get uniform cheaper than me he went on a grad supermarket sweep and sorted it all out! I was smugly presented with receipts as if they were some sort of winning poker hand- delighted to have been saved the task!

Original poster
TrueFreshness · 26/12/2020 13:53

Hi Michaelbaubles 😊 feeling a bit more positive thanks. DC back tomorrow. I was hoping for a Zoom but it didn't happen :/ DC said they wanted this but too little to have their own phones. Feels a bit more normal thank goodness. I feel like the worst of it is over! I am glad you enjoyed your lie-in Xmas Grin

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Oopsiedaisyy · 26/12/2020 14:07

I did it for this year for the first time ever, and with the most respect in the world... Get a life.

I'm single too, but you can't spend your time without the children in some sort of pain filled vacuum until they come back.

What do you enjoy? What do you wish you had time to do when you had the children full time?

Original poster
TrueFreshness · 26/12/2020 14:13

Eggbobbin that is hilarious Grin my exH is so tight, I can imagine him doing the same.

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Noconceptofnormal · 26/12/2020 16:17

oopsiedaisyyis clearly a troll. Don't believe for a second the story above. Ignore.

EggBobbin · 26/12/2020 16:37

@TrueFreshness yes I did chuckle, in my deck chair in a sunny peaceful garden, imagining him in the massive queue in Clark’s wrangling two opinionated kids thinking ‘Yeah, this’ll show her!’

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