AIBU to spend all day crying as I am away from my children

[TrueFreshness]

Have split up with husband and the children are with him this Christmas. I can't bear it. We did an early Christmas this year but it wasn't the same. He never bothered with Christmas before we split up. I know I will probably have them next year but how can I get through today and Boxing Day? I just want to cry and cry.

Ps it does seem unfair for special events to be 50/50 if you do the bulk of care/childcare. Parent shouldn’t be able to Cherry pick the good parts only.

Hi OP, I am home alone today too. It's OK to feel how you feel and do whatever gets you through the day. Your loss is valid, no matter what other people's experiences are.

For me, doing Christmas after works better than doing it before. Because I am getting through the day looking forward to collecting my child tomorrow and having "Christmas Eve" then. I think I'd feel worse if it was all over at our home already. But that is just me - not trying to advise you.

It doesn't seem fair that you're thinking of splitting Christmas next year when this is your first Christmas with this arrangement (is that correct?), let XH have a year of no kids first and you enjoy a lovely Christmas next year before agreeing to split anything differently, or he's getting his cake and eating it!

Don't split it, have your whole Christmas with them next year.

I know it's probably no where near as enjoyable but how about volunteering at Christmas when you don't have the kids? My DSIL volunteers at Crisis and has a wonderful time.

It's desparately unfair, AIMD. Birthdays are 50/50 too - but I'm expected to plan, coordinate and pay for parties. He just turns up!

I think next time I'm in this position I will definitely volunteer. Don't have friends I can hook up with as they will be with their small DCs and I think being around little kids who aren't my own would be a bit upsetting!

@TrueFreshness

It's desparately unfair, AIMD. Birthdays are 50/50 too - but I'm expected to plan, coordinate and pay for parties. He just turns up!

I’d really want to just arrange them without inviting him, but of course that would end up hurting the kids.

I guess in the end the kids will grow to know who did things for them and I’m sure over time they’ll make their own choices about who they spend time with.

Yes AIMD it is tempting, especially as how vile he has been to me when we were together, and has been since. However I think he would arrange a separate party which would be bigger and better. Or just try to sabotage it in some way. He's a real piece of work.

@TrueFreshness it’s the same with parties here. I’m expecting baby #3 with DP this year around the time of one of my DC’s birthdays and I flagged to ExH ages ago that he’d have to pick up the party slack this year but bloody COVID means he totally has dodged the bullet!!

FWIW my court order states we split costs of school uniform & trips aswell as birthday parties, and that both parents should be invited to any birthday party.

Oh that's really harsh and it would break me being away from my child at Christmas.

We split all special occasions in the middle. On her birthday, she's with me half of the day and then half of the day at her dad's. Same at Christmas. Could you do that next year instead?

It does mess up birthday days out because we have to do them the day before or make sure we're definitely back in time for her to go to her dad's but I think it's the best compromise and means that neither of us miss out.

I really hope you can get today over with and feel better. Watch telly or read a book. Stay away from social media. It will soon be time for bed and then you can get some sleep and make plans for all of the fun things you can do with the children in 2021.

You poor thing. It’s a very hard time without your kids. All you can do is be kind to yourself, have a nice at home spa day and tuck into some nice food. Before you know it the festive period will pass and next year will be better for you.

I’m not sure I agree with those who say chin up & don’t cry. Trying not to cry when you really want to is so hard - I’d have a good old cry & wallow for a bit, might help getting out of your system.

Best of luck to you, lots of Mumsnetters alone today so keep posting on here if you need support

That's the worst bit, that if you'd stayed together you know he wouldn't have given a shit. Same situation here.

Have a good cry, have some wine and go for a walk, don't waste the day inside. It must be horrible for you. Merry Christmas, here's to the next one where you can spend it with your kids x

One day you will love to have an Xmas solo
All the TV , all the food , no demands
Yeah it hurts this year but many women love having a break
So yes this year sucks , but this isn’t a tragedy
One of the only benefits of a divorce is some
Down time and chill when they visit parent

My kids are 10 and 13
I love them but they exhaust me
Utterly
Trust me OP , one day you’ll be relieved to send them off
But when they are small and cute is harder

That's tough OP! To get through perhaps either treat yourself (bath/book/candle/whatever) or... ignore that it's Xmas/Boxing Day completely and get one with something that will make you feel better. Perhaps clear out the kitchen, clean all the cupboards and organise it, or do your entire wardrobe... Hope you like one of those suggestions and it'll be back to normal soon!

DP doesn't get to spend some Christmas days with his kid but he loves my family and he always end up having an amazing day. Then we just make sure Boxing day is really special for us all.

@opinionatedfreak

Chin up. Don't waste the day - go out for a walk etc.

i'm sure it is hard but it is just a day - and it might be worth reflecting that the bereavement board is full of people who won't ever get to spend christmas with their loved ones again.

That is absolutely unecessary. Shame on you.

@TrueFreshness why was it seemed he would have them?

Agreed sorry

I had this for 11 years - I didn't do Christmas till my DD was back with me on 26th or 27th - I ate mostly cheese on toast on Christmas Day (which I love) had long baths, and got things ready for when she came back, which was when Christmas started!
I felt awful for the first few months of her spending weekends with him, originally every Friday night, which was OK, but then every second weekend, which was so hard. I made a big effort to meet friends/family or do some volunteer work at the weekends. Hard in Covid, but do try, it's so easy to mope for the weekend, it's an effort, but being a bit busy makes your kids worry less that you'll be sad and lonely.
And then it ends - DD turned 18 this year and told me she's not going to her dad's for Christmas again (he has a DP and their young kids so he won't be lonely).
It gets better, really, but it's bloody hard.

@opinionatedfreak

Chin up. Don't waste the day - go out for a walk etc.

i'm sure it is hard but it is just a day - and it might be worth reflecting that the bereavement board is full of people who won't ever get to spend christmas with their loved ones again.

There is always someone worse off

Bad case of flu - someone has terminal cancer
Stolen bike - someone lost everything in a house burglary
Someone drives in to your bumper - someone drives in to you and wipes out your car
Your hungry. Someone is dying in a famine.

It rarely helps to be reminded!

Eggbobbin that is really interesting about the order, thanks for sharing. So can an order be very detailed? We haven't had one yet. I have paid for all uniform (and indeed other clothes) since splitting, only recently just got him to pay a tiny bit of maintenence and he has never contributed anything more.