To be so happy that I’m a single parent

[Melonlover80]

Really

I have a great relationship with my ex but... we were incompatible. No fireworks. Just incompatible.

So I have been a single parent for last five years. He has the primary aged children every other weekend. I get every Christmas.

And I bloody love it. I read all these threads about tension and arguments with their DHs, and I know there are happy marriages but all those that seem so... unhappy.

Here.... no tension, no arguments, I lead the way as the one parent! And it’s absolute bliss.

Shout out to other single parents.... hard in some ways but so so much better in others!!

Marriages wear the participants down and dilute their identities. Even in the best case scenarios there's a huge trade off between the needs of the individual and the needs of the family. Women generally don't come off well in this trade off because they are typically the financially weaker partner and their needs get ignored and their identities eroded. There are plenty of functioning marriages where people rub along OK together but I don't know of any where the people are truly able to be themselves.

So true. I've posted before on here (and was roasted) that I believe marriage is rarely, if ever equal. There's is always one member of the couple who gets much more out of being married than the other and in my experience it's usually the man.

@HmmSureJan agree . And iv been in relationships with selfish lazy pigs myself .

I do know some thoroughly decent men don’t get me wrong I work with them / male friends of mine iv known them long enough I think to have their measure so I know that there are some great men out there who are amazing husbands and fathers

But I also know a lot of women who seem to be run ragged doing the lions share of parenting housework etc with men you’d consider nice enough but just apparently programmed to let their other half’s run around after them . I also know married men whos social medias would make them appear to have perfect family life’s but happily slide into my dms every now and again being sleazes . Or Have done worse ( not with me I will add !)

That’s the extreme end though Just generally I know a lot of women who want more from Life but don’t get the time / energy to do it but often their other half’s seem to .

I do have the time Etc and am wary of giving that up . Just seems like marriage etc isnt always what it seems that’s all I was getting at really

*Isnt that what all single mums tell themselves? That it is" bliss" to live the way they do. But It is just a selfprotection/defense mechanism . A way of telling yourself that all is ok..

if you could choose between being a single womanOR being together with a trustworthy loving and caring man to share you life/family with, the choice would be obvious.*

It's definitely not always bliss. It's hard, and as my DC do stay with they dad regularly and he pays maintenance, I knpw I have it a lot better than many and it's still hard.

But there are a lot of moments of bliss compared to what it was like living with him - for the kids as well as for me. I'm not a perfect parent but I know I give my kids freedom to be themselves and don't emotionally blackmail them and undermine them, so now they get a break from that.

And no as I said below I don't want a man, even the perfect man, living in my home. I want my own space, permanently. Yes I'd like a lovely FWB (when kids aren't here) or maybe a relationship when I'm older, but not to live with another man, ever.

It's not "celebrating" splitting up the family. If my ex had actually been the lovely person he pretended to be, I wouldn't have ended it. But he wasn't, and yes it's my fault I had kids with him, but the situation we have now is better than the "family life" we had.

I hated being a single parent. Absolutely hated it.

Silly me thought a 20 year marriage was a guarantee against domestic violence. I was wrong.

I was the only one they had for many years as my family died and the sperm donor ex husband opted out along with his pitiful family. I was left to raise children with special needs entirely alone. I feel certain the stress and lack of support will have shortened my life ultimately.

Now they have a wonderful stepfather and his family have stepped up too. Just as karma appears to be visiting my ex

I’m a single parent by choice (donor conception) and I always say it’s the best decision I made. It’s hard work doing everything on my own however I have nobody to let me down and I can get on with things myself. We have a very happy and balanced household with no expectations of another person

However your ex is amicable. Mine isn’t. Everything is a court battle.

Even on Boxing Day I dropped him off. Ex had suggested new location - huge retail park but nothing was open. I parked in car park. Ex came charging towards me no mask and aggressively (he has a restraining order) previous he has hit me with the car door etc I came home shaking.

Kids and I had a lovely Christmas and they went to their dads yesterday

So now I have a whole week to myself. No work either. I've been to stay with a friend in Spain several times before at ever this time. This year I'll chill, declutter a bit, swim, sew, etc. Love it!!

Honestly,honestly @Yeahnahmum in my situation, it's bliss; can't speak for others. I've been staggered by how much happier it is. But we can't ever win if your belief is that we're either unhappy or lying to ourselves.

My order is ....

1. Perfect relationship
2. Single
3. Less than perfect relationship

Anecdotally of the 20 or so couples that I know well,

1. 2 of them have this
2. 5 of them have this
3. 13 of them have this on varying scales, some deeply deeply miserable

Marriages wear the participants down and dilute their identities. Even in the best case scenarios there's a huge trade off between the needs of the individual and the needs of the family. Women generally don't come off well in this trade off because they are typically the financially weaker partner and their needs get ignored and their identities eroded. There are plenty of functioning marriages where people rub along OK together but I don't know of any where the people are truly able to be themselves
⏫ Word!
This is exactly how I feel about relationships... My identity was eroded and diluted.

or find someone who has their own place and live separate
I'm in a long term relationship where we live separately, I feel able to be truly myself

Totally get this op! Had my first Christmas on my own last year and alot of heart ache. But this Christmas I totally rocked it!!!
Could here my young ones opening their stocking at 4am in the morning and I couldn't have been happier, will always remember that moment. No one snapping at them cause its too early, no moaning about the mess or moaning cause christmas dinner didn't get all eaten. Just pure bliss this Christmas.
Ex knocked to pick up kids and I really felt what a difference a year makes. I wasn't crying and heart broken, I was me in my kingdom with my prince's and princess and I wouldn't change it for for world.
Merry Christmas to all the single mums out there doing for themselves and their kids. Its liberating. Xxx

I've seen terrible relationships. My mum and dad were a disaster. We had a lovely Christmas with my mum this year. I usually make my excuses to avoid my dad where possible. I feel like current struggles (unlike any we've faced before) aside we get along very well and we do feel like ourselves.

I've seen terrible relationships. My mum and dad were a disaster

Ots the helplessness i can't stand to watch.

The constant checking in and the fact that they cant do anything alone.

I have ti say I found myself doing it a little not cos I needed to but because you almost feel you have to make the other person seem wanted/needed particularly if they weren't the type to get off their arses and join in/help off their own backs

I'm only after soul deep love, so I'm not worried about being single. I won't settle.

Christmases used to be a real nightmare with ex bitching about everything. Can only recollect maybe twice when things seemed magical, happy, cosy between us/our family. DC far better off too.

Isnt that what all single mums tell themselves? That it is" bliss" to live the way they do. But It is just a selfprotection/defense mechanism . A way of telling yourself that all is ok..

if you could choose between being a single womanOR being together with a trustworthy loving and caring man to share you life/family with, the choice would be obvious.

I was with a trustworthy, loving, caring man. But after having kids we fell out of love, it happens. Then he had an affair and moved out. So I was dreading becoming a single parent but it's fantastic. And I will celebrate it and shout it from the rooftops because the experience I have had is a far cry from what is expected of single mothers. Immediately it felt like a weight had been lifted, I felt like I could do anything, I was free to make all my own choices. I no longer had a miserable dead weight causing pain in my life. I would never, ever inflict the expectations of another relationship on my children. Maybe when they're adults I'll date but definitely not before then. I have spent this year in lockdown etc enjoying my own company and my children. Never bored, never annoyed and I can't say that for any of my friends in couples.

I don't want children so I'm obviously not a single mother, so sorry to take the thread slightly off topic but I am the grown up child of a single mother and I had an amazing childhood. My mum was a brilliant mum and I wouldn't change anything about my childhood if I was given the chance to go back and change things about it. I'm so, so glad my mum didn't stay in an unhappy relationship for our sake and by putting herself first in that respect she put us all first.

Another one here who thought she was in a stable happy relationship until our kids were 5 and 3 and he ran off to be a Knight in shining armour to a struggling single mum (and never yet has seen the irony of thus creating another one). It's not what I chose and yes my kids are still sad we're not together some years on but there are lots of positives about independence, not having to consult or compromise and whilst I was completely devastated at the time, I'm another who would now not live with another man- certainly not while the kids are at home and maybe never. I am in a long term relationship and it's serious but I like that we have our own space and if one day he stops loving me or wants to sleep with someone else, he will, we end and nothing else changes. I don't lose my home or have my whole world turned upside down. So many women on here seem convinced we can't really want that, that we're kidding ourselves or settling for 2nd best but I 100% don't believe that is true if living with the biological father is no longer an option for whatever reason.

@Ileanna

I don't want children so I'm obviously not a single mother, so sorry to take the thread slightly off topic but I am the grown up child of a single mother and I had an amazing childhood. My mum was a brilliant mum and I wouldn't change anything about my childhood if I was given the chance to go back and change things about it. I'm so, so glad my mum didn't stay in an unhappy relationship for our sake and by putting herself first in that respect she put us all first.

That's a lovely post - thanks 🙂

Isnt that what all single mums tell themselves? That it is" bliss" to live the way they do. But It is just a selfprotection/defense mechanism . A way of telling yourself that all is ok..

Not for me. I fucking loved it.

if you could choose between being a single womanOR being together with a trustworthy loving and caring man to share you life/family with, the choice would be obvious

I remain unconvinced. I love time alone and really don't think that the most loving and caring of men could make me want to live with him. I like my own space.

I very much think this is a case of someone not being able to see that others have different experiences and opinions. Happens a lot on here.

*Isnt that what all single mums tell themselves? That it is" bliss" to live the way they do. But It is just a selfprotection/defense mechanism . A way of telling yourself that all is ok..

if you could choose between being a single womanOR being together with a trustworthy loving and caring man to share you life/family with, the choice would be obvious.*

The thing is, the longer you are a single parent the more you realise that it's actually the other way round. It's the couples who are convincing themselves that "all is ok"

Trustworthy, loving and caring men are great, but I prefer living on my own with my kids.

Ffs bold fail again, why did MN get rid of the ability to preview 🤦‍♀️

@Crumbleandcake - I honestly think it’s best you remain childless unless you undergo a fairly major shift on your thinking

Wow. What a mean thing to say to someone who is struggling with being childless.

[quote FreeBettyBoop]**@Crumbleandcake - I honestly think it’s best you remain childless unless you undergo a fairly major shift on your thinking

Wow. What a mean thing to say to someone who is struggling with being childless.[/quote]
Struggling to have children means that you can start spouting judgemental nonsense about single families simply by virtue of the fact you are struggling to conceive?

Nope. Not in my book. And I’ll pull you up on it if you do.

I think that anyone with closed minded judgmental views as demonstrated by that poster are not best placed to be parents.

It's anaIng how brainwashed we are as a society to believing that we will be happier as part of a couple. Even those of us who are happy single parents seemed to be surprised at how happy we are.

Even in this day and age when some men are starting to help more with the parenting, woman do the vast majority of the parenting work even in happy, caring relationships. money can be a bugger as house prices are based in 2 incomes rather than 1, but the day to day stuff, we do it all anyway, in fact kicking my ex out just left me with one less "child" to deal with.

*amazing