To be so happy that I’m a single parent

[Melonlover80]

Really

I have a great relationship with my ex but... we were incompatible. No fireworks. Just incompatible.

So I have been a single parent for last five years. He has the primary aged children every other weekend. I get every Christmas.

And I bloody love it. I read all these threads about tension and arguments with their DHs, and I know there are happy marriages but all those that seem so... unhappy.

Here.... no tension, no arguments, I lead the way as the one parent! And it’s absolute bliss.

Shout out to other single parents.... hard in some ways but so so much better in others!!

Lone parent here too, dated in the past but thada not affected Christmas.

I've been seperated from their dad for 4 years and Christmas does show why it's better not dragging around dead weight.

We share Christmas and custody, so I had them Christmas Day afternoon this year. I did laugh because he hung around and I firmly said we'll open gifts when dad has gone' he looked sullen.

We get on fine btw, but he walked out on me he's no longer apart of my family unit so he doesn't get the privilege of our family time

I’ve seen so many threads on here from women who are so unhappy and who’s DH’s are completely useless. I go from feeling sorry for many of them to feeling annoyed that they’re willing to put up with it IRL and only complain on here.

The things some women tolerate astound me. My DH acts like an adult and pulls his weight. I would much rather be single than have a waster for a husband.

There’s something about Christmas which really holds a magnifying glass to relationships.

Does anybody else think that Crumblecake is a miserable politician who campaigns on a family values platform?

@roastedpudding I don't think Crumblecake would be sufficiently literate to make it as a pollie!

Same op !

Dc have a really good relationship with their dad too which makes me happy and also means I get plenty of free time to myself aswell,

I always think I have the best of both worlds tbh especially with some of the shit I read on here were some women barely have 5 mins to take a shower in peace and lazy husbands doing sweet FA to help. Not for me thanks

@Crumbleandcake isn’t a parent (I did a little advance searching) so knows bugger all about parenting. Let alone single parenting

(And to be brutal - with judgemental opinions like she’s demonstrated on this thread, probably for the best)

Same here.
It's the real peace that I love.
I'm on a real mission to highlight to as many miserably married women as I can, that if it's at all possible financially and logistically, then do it. You'll be so much happier.

*@Crumbleandcake isn’t a parent (I did a little advance searching) so knows bugger all about parenting. Let alone single parenting

(And to be brutal - with judgemental opinions like she’s demonstrated on this thread, probably for the best)*

Childless not by choice. I would give anything in the world for children and would give then a stable home. That's why I get upset by the notion of celebrating splitting their world. I didn't intend to be nasty. What I meant is by all means by happy but don't celebrate it. It's sad when a family breaks down and It makes me sad that so many families don't stay together.

For some it is despite the best intentions but I do think for too many people, it should never have happened.

What I meant is by all means by happy but don't celebrate it.

So, be happy but make sure everyone thinks you're miserable? Don't celebrate being out of a miserable relationship or home life and into a happy one? Divorce your horrible husband and build a better life, but never let anyone think you're glad you did it?

Crumbleandcake

"I would give anything in the world for children and would give then a stable home."

Not trying to be any more goady as you've had a pasting already but surely you must understand that sometimes giving children a stable home necessitates becoming a single parent?

That's what I think has upset so many of us. Very few women leave a stable and supportive family just for shits and giggles.

I can't speak for everyone on this thread but the main reason I left my husband was to provide a stable home for my daughter, away from his mental illness, alcoholism, self-pity and control.

The narrative that dictates that its always better to remain with a partner or husband, no matter how awful the situation is, has caused so many women so much unnecessary pain and harmed children in the process. That's why people get so upset when someone kneejerks to this "don't break up the family" stuff.

Who are you to decide it should never have happened

* Childless not by choice. I would give anything in the world for children and would give then a stable home. That's why I get upset by the notion of celebrating splitting their world.*

Yes and we all went In to marriages with the idea we actively wanted to split the family.

@Crumbleandcake - I honestly think it’s best you remain childless unless you undergo a fairly major shift on your thinking.

Imagine how awful @crumbleandcake would be if her own child divorced?!

Isnt that what all single mums tell themselves? That it is" bliss" to live the way they do. But It is just a selfprotection/defense mechanism . A way of telling yourself that all is ok..

As there is nothing more satisfying then being in a committed relationship with love and trust and being there for eachother and raising a beautiful family. And yes of course you dont wanna be stuck in a lovess marriage with tension and shit. But if you could choose between being a single womanOR being together with a trustworthy loving and caring man to share you life/family with, the choice would be obvious.

if you could choose between being a single womanOR being together with a trustworthy loving and caring man to share you life/family with, the choice would be obvious.

I've got enough money. I'm financially comfortable. But if I had the choice to be absolutely rolling in it, with a mansion on every continent and full staff and a private island and personal jet, the choice would be obvious, right?

So I guess I can't really be happy either. You, on the other hand, telling other women how miserable they must be because they're single, you sound like the epitome of satisfaction and contentment, such inner peace.

Sheesh, OP, how do you unearth these people? What lab incubates them?

* you could choose between being a single womanOR being together with a trustworthy loving and caring man to share you life/family with, the choice would be obvious.*

If that man was the man I had had my children with, then yes. The absolute ideal is a happy marriage for children.
The next is divorced parents that get in very well (like me and my ex)
Then...

Shitty marriages and divorced parents well and truly bringing up the rear.

However the man would have to be my children’s biological father for him to live with us, and that ship has sailed! I’m fine with idea of being in a relationship but no man will EVER move in whilst my children are young. And... I genuinely love it.

Isnt that what all single mums tell themselves? That it is" bliss" to live the way they do. But It is just a selfprotection/defense mechanism . A way of telling yourself that all is ok..

Umm no ! It’s not like iv never had relationships or been in love I have ! Would I like to meet someone when I get a bit older yes probably but equally I’d like to move back abroad when the dc are older so who knows

I like the excitement of new relationships/ the shagging a lot bit , travel , and my own company to read n stuff during my child free time . I’m really not just saying this to feel better about myself 😂 I do have a “one that got away “ guy and I’d love for us to pick back up again but other than that have never wanted to get married n actually declined two proposals ( two different boyfriends ) it’s just not for me .

All this being a team stuff I know more women that are run ragged doing everything than I do those parenting etc equally

And when I say “young”, I mean no man, no matter how perfect, would move in whilst my children are under 16.

But if you could choose between being a single womanOR being together with a trustworthy loving and caring man to share you life/family with, the choice would be obvious.

No. I prefer to be single. Clearly you are the type of person who needs a man and is scared to be without one hence your determination that all others think like you. I feel sorry for you tbh. I'd hate to feel as though my true happiness depended on me being with a man. I was like that as a teenager and in my twenties and I hated it. I longed not to be reliant on others for emotional stability. I'm very grateful that age and wisdom has helped me past feeling that way.

if you could choose between being a single womanOR being together with a trustworthy loving and caring man to share you life/family with, the choice would be obvious.

The problem with this option is you don’t ever truly know that’s what u have

Think some women would be shocked about how there husbands would be prepared to behave given the chance .

I aren’t bitter I’m realistic . Happy as I am

Think some women would be shocked about how there husbands would be prepared to behave given the chance

Yes and some women seem completely unaware that the relationship they're in is actually awful and he's a selfish pig, they're just so grateful to be with him and socially programmed to believe this is how it should be. I look at some of the couples I know who talk about the years they've spent "building" their marriage and they're so sure of themselves and dare I say it even smug. Yet I have witnessed violence, coercive control, constant and consistent low level emotional and verbal abuse and multiple episodes of infidelity in their relationships yet they still see themselves as a good couple and something to aspire to. I shake my head driving away from spending time with them.

Isnt that what all single mums tell themselves? That it is" bliss" to live the way they do. But It is just a selfprotection/defense mechanism . A way of telling yourself that all is ok..

No. Genuinely, no.

I am much happier bringing my child up on my own. My marriage was abusive and unhappy so I had to leave but even if it had been much better I still believe being brought up by a financially solvent and emotionally stable mother on her own is the best outcome for a child.

Marriages wear the participants down and dilute their identities. Even in the best case scenarios there's a huge trade off between the needs of the individual and the needs of the family. Women generally don't come off well in this trade off because they are typically the financially weaker partner and their needs get ignored and their identities eroded. There are plenty of functioning marriages where people rub along OK together but I don't know of any where the people are truly able to be themselves.

I have my own money and I can bring my child up as I see fit without the constant need to compromise, to bite my tongue, to swallow my ambitions and needs.

I am in a happy relationship with someone I don't live with. It works well because there's no expectation that we will become a family. My relationship with him is not based on expecting that he will fulfil responsibilities towards me and her daughter, its based on our needs as individuals. Meanwhile he doesn't live with us so I have most of the week to focus on my daughter's needs and she doesn't feel she's fighting for air space with him all the time and having to follow his rules.

It's the ideal solution for me and there's no way on earth I would want to recreate a "family" dynamic with him where everyone would feel they are losing out.

Of course there are plenty of nuclear families which work out OK and I wouldn't recommend leaving a stable family just for the hell of it. But for me personally, being a single mum with a separate happy relationship is the best possible outcome.

I’d hate to be a single parent but each to their own. I love sharing daily joys/problems with my DH. He makes me laugh & my life would be much worse without him.

I can't speak for everyone on this thread but the main reason I left my husband was to provide a stable home for my daughter, away from his mental illness, alcoholism, self-pity and control.

I'm sorry you were in that position and I hugely respect someone that walks away to protect their child.

What frustrates me is that there are a large number of people who fall in and out of relationships having children. It's just viewed as "oh heck that didn't work out, never mind,it's the norm."

Perhaps if people were together a long time before having children. Dare I say made the commitment of marrying their partner, had stable lives then had children perhaps fewer children would have separated parents. It would only be the ones where unforeseen events occur.

Marriages wear the participants down and dilute their identities. Even in the best case scenarios there's a huge trade off between the needs of the individual and the needs of the family. Women generally don't come off well in this trade off because they are typically the financially weaker partner and their needs get ignored and their identities eroded. There are plenty of functioning marriages where people rub along OK together but I don't know of any where the people are truly able to be themselves

This is so true.

I have no idea who I am any more. I've spent so long pretending I dont care that he didn't appear to care that I think I've forgotten how to care.

I want to be able to feel something again and not have to pretend I feel something else/nothing to keep the peace.

I honestly had no idea just how much of me I'd sacrificed, my thoughts, my opinions, my feelings everything. Its not even as if I'd been asked to it just happened somehow

I dont want to go back to that tbh . Think id rather stay single or find someone who has their own place and live separate

Crumbleandcake

"Perhaps if people were together a long time before having children. Dare I say made the commitment of marrying their partner, had stable lives then had children perhaps fewer children would have separated parents."

I was married to my DH for six years before my daughter was born. We were blissfully happy before she came along. After she was born it was like a switch was flicked.

It happens to many women. Marriage isn't an insurance policy against abuse and nor is time together.

I agree with you that people need to be more circumspect about having multiple partners when they have children. But again, you can do all the due diligence in the world and think you know someone and they can still turn out not to have your best interests at heart.