AIBU - DH ruined Christmas ....again

[thelooneywitch]

I'm so angry, I've gone back upstairs, I can't stand looking at him. I'm Eastern European and we celebrate Christmas on the 24th. DH had refused to go and see my family for Christmas dinner and celebration so I said I will cook dinner at home. Instead, he decided that we will spend the whole day yesterday seeing his family so I ended up not celebrating my Christmas at all this year. I was upset as this is the first time in my entire life that I didn't celebrate on the 24th. I got over it by the end of the day since we're celebrating Christmas today too. I'm pregnant and my insomnia is getting crazy, I woke up at 2am again last night and been up ever since, I'm shattered and sleep deprived. Last night I asked him to come to bed at a reasonable time as we have to be up early, he said fine. I Tried to wake him up at 5.30 to come and get everything ready for DD waking up and opening her presents, etc. He wasn't having any of it so I left him. DD woke up just before 7am and I had to tell him multiple times to get up otherwise I would've gone downstairs to open her presents with her myself without him. He managed to get up and I asked him nicely that today is about DD and making it special for her so all I ask is that he doesn't fuck off back to bed. He said ok. Instead, he went to sleep on the sofa while I was left to unpack all of her toys with her and play. Now he's refused to make or even have breakfast with us because he's tired and already sick of me moaning at him to get up and be an adult at 8am. We were scheduled to finally go and see my family at 12 today, he now said he's not coming because he's tired and he will only be seeing his family for Christmas dinner later this afternoon. I'm fuming. I said I need him to be an adult and not have a lie in today out of all the days, we were meant to have had breakfast together and then get ready to go and see my family. Not happening. I said I needed him to be up to watch DD while I get ready and he said 'it's not my fucking fault you take forever to get ready'. I haven't done a full face of makeup and my hair once this year, I was really looking forward to it after the crap yer we've had but looks like we're not going anywhere now. I'm now sat on the bed crying while he's asleep on the sofa and DD is playing on her own. Apparently I need to stop being a child and always moaning and that my New Years resolution should be just that. AIBU or is it hormones???

He was an absolute arse not celebrating your way on the 24th and being so awful about today. But I'm with the previous poster- why on earth were you trying to get him up at 5.30am

I was with OP until she said this. Totally unnecessary pressure on both of you. We were sometimes late up finishing wrapping (or building indoor trampoline 🙈😱) but always up normal time in the morning.

Presents wrapped and stay upstairs for security.
Child wakes up and either plays in room or stays with one parent while the other takes everything down and gets it looking nice.
Everyone down and open presents.

This is how we did it when DS was young. One year he didn’t actually wake up til 9am 😂

@BubblyBarbara

Could he have sleep apnea or something?

Is that a reason to be selfish and inconsiderate?

Go without him OP. Call your family and see if someone can collect you & DD and have a long hard think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with such a person.

Get a taxi and don’t come back

Does he do this kinda thing often? Ruin birthdays and Christmas?

My ex used to do that- especially on my ds birthday

He’s long gone now, if this is a pattern, get shot of him

@thelooneywitch

He always turns it around on me like it's my fault. I can't remember a year where he didn't ruin my birthday, Mother's Day or anything that was meant to be special to me. I never get an apology either because in his eyes, I'm the one that's in the wrong and expect too much. I can't go because I no longer have a car and he just physically will not get up to take me and even if I asked him to, he would blame me of 'ruining Christmas' by kicking up a fuss.

Just seen this.

On some level he resents your happiness and loathes what you represent

This is terminal. No point in subjecting yourself to another minute of this, or have your kids grow up thinking they have to be a cunt to others like their dad.

Don’t waste another special day on this guy

He won’t change, he enjoys it.

Is he also abusive in other ways? My ex was exactly like this and was also abusive

Be honest with yourself

(((Hug)))

Can someone from your family come get you? You can just say you are too tired with pregnancy to see both families and you spent yesterday with his so just going to yours for the day. You don't need to tell anyone about the argument if you don't want to. Just change of plans for to tiredness and too much visiting yesterday. Maybe a taxi either or take his car and he can sort other transport.

I would get a taxi and go. The fact that he hasn't even offered to drive you is really unkind.

He is a horrible twat and you should divorce him asap.

OP you either need to get someone to take you or get him too - stop being passive Christmas is already ruined for you

If you had tried to wake me up at 5.30am I would be grumpy and fall asleep on the sofa too.
I think you started the day looking for a fight after yesterday.

Not sure where you are but you shouldn’t have mixed households yesterday anyway?

Go and see your family today (if allowed) and leave DH at home.

AIBU or is it hormones???

Men don't get pregnancy hormones. Someone behaving like an arsehole is an arsehole and from your other post its not just for Christmas and is part of a pattern.

If your family can collect or you can get a cab then go to them, stay as long as you can. Then think about what you want out of the relationship - is this the life and relationship in which you want to spend the next 40 yrs .

@DotBall

He was an absolute arse not celebrating your way on the 24th and being so awful about today. But I'm with the previous poster- why on earth were you trying to get him up at 5.30am

I was with OP until she said this. Totally unnecessary pressure on both of you. We were sometimes late up finishing wrapping (or building indoor trampoline 🙈😱) but always up normal time in the morning.

Presents wrapped and stay upstairs for security.
Child wakes up and either plays in room or stays with one parent while the other takes everything down and gets it looking nice.
Everyone down and open presents.

This is how we did it when DS was young. One year he didn’t actually wake up til 9am 😂

There are easier ways to do it than waking up at 5.30am but I do t think we should criticise the OP - it’s not as if he thought it through and got everything ready for their dd the night before.

OP I think the advise to call an Uber, put your make up bag and toys in an overnight bag and go be with your dps is a good one.

That should read “I don’t think”

I agree with others - I would pack an overnight bag for you and DD and take a taxi to your parents. He can explain to his parents why his wife and their grandchild weren’t able to come to the prearranged plans.

What a prick- you’ve already seen his family Christmas Eve and he wants to cancel on your family visit and see his family again. He’s trying to control you because he thinks he can since you depend on him for lifts.

You don’t have to depend on him for lifts - ask a family member to pick you up or get a taxi. Don’t let him get his way this time - it’s the only way he’ll learn that he can’t control your life like this.

It's Christmas Day, children are excited and wake early. NORMAL people and families accept this is part of the deal and get up....even if it is 5.30am so I don't think you were unreasonable to ask him to get up.

He's an abusive arse....that's it really...abuse.

I'm not excusing all his behaviour but I just don't understand why you insisted on going to bed early night before so you could get up at 5am to get everything ready. Seriously that would piss most people off, instead of going to bed early why not sort everything out so everyone could sleep in and get up and a more realistic time.

I dont even want to wake up at 5am on any day let alone Xmas!

You can't then moan if he falls asleep cos he is tired from being woken up early.

Again not saying he isn't wrong for the other stuff

@thelooneywitch

He always turns it around on me like it's my fault. I can't remember a year where he didn't ruin my birthday, Mother's Day or anything that was meant to be special to me. I never get an apology either because in his eyes, I'm the one that's in the wrong and expect too much. I can't go because I no longer have a car and he just physically will not get up to take me and even if I asked him to, he would blame me of 'ruining Christmas' by kicking up a fuss.

He's deliberately sabotaging anything special to you.

That's abusive.

I'd take your DD and go to your parents, pack bags for a few days and call family or uber to come and collect you.

make a plan to leave him as he’s abusive. Just that. Leave him.

I think you were trying to punish him by trying to wake him up at 5:30. There's defo something odd in that. It doesn't take 1 and half hours to put some gifts under a tree.

However, if the rest if true he sounds like an arse and I agree with others that you need to book a cab or take the car yourself, or get your parents to pick you up. Go and stay with them a day or two and have a think about the future and whether you want to stay living with this man.

His behavior is not normal. DOn't let him tell you it is.

He is controlling you.

He's calling shots and if you try and do something for DD it's turned around about you being unreasonable.

You cannot do what you want because he won't take you and again - makes it all your fault and you being unreasonable.

I agree with others in making the best of a bad situation today.

But make 2021 the year you remove yourself from his control.

First start would be to be honest with your family. I'm sure they'll help you go to theirs.

Give yourself the best present and get the hell away from this lazy man child. Permently.

Take your dd and go to your family and rest. I’d probably stay there too.

Get a taxi or Uber if you have no car. There are ways.

He is being an arse and punishing you which isnot part of a happy relationship. (However a 5.30am start when your DD is still asleep sounds like torture)

Do what you want to do today. Regardless of his plans to ruin the day

Does he often stop you seeing your family? What about friends? I really hope you can find a way to get to see your family today. Don't let him stop you!

He always turns it around on me like it's my fault. I can't remember a year where he didn't ruin my birthday, Mother's Day or anything that was meant to be special to me

Why are you still with this man? Is it just to show people you are married? In my culture divorce is seen as disgraceful, I still divorced my horrible, narcissistic H and I didn't care what anyone thought. I've been with my lovely DP for years now.

You have choices - If you want to use them. Life is short, seems a shame to waste it on a man who isn't worth it.

OTOH there are so many posts about men who always want to doze or sleep, WTF is that about?!

Wow he sounds awful!