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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I shouldn't be made to let the in-laws take the credit.

123 replies

User3billion · 24/12/2020 15:04

DH has just asked me what time I want him to arrange to video call the in-laws tomorrow so they can see the kids open their gifts from them.

I asked what they'd got them as not seen anything arrive in the post and husband has barely left the house for months (working from home).

His answer? Oh I'm just going to see what we have and say one of those is from them.

They do send over money to DH but that's not the point! Everything we've bought for the kids is things we've discussed and chosen for them - not once has he mentioned any of the gifts being from his parents.

OP posts:

Paintedmaypole · 24/12/2020 15:55

I have just see their ages. Amazon vouchers or money is fine

gamerchick · 24/12/2020 15:58

@User3billion

They always send money but DH usually goes and buys something.

And this time he hasnt?

Send the lazy arse to the shops and whole he's there he can think about his communication skills.

Chloemol · 24/12/2020 15:58

Simple, just wrap up the cash and they can open that

Paintedmaypole · 24/12/2020 15:59

How old are the grandparents and how healthy, that makes a big difference re your irritation at lack of effort. Better money than gifts that are unsuitable though.

wildraisins · 24/12/2020 15:59

I think it depends why it's happening.

Is your husband just being lazy, or is it because of the pandemic? You say he's been working from home so has he been struggling for time or feeling stressed etc? It's been hard this year to find the time and also the emotional energy to do things we would normally just do without a second thought.

I think this year has been so weird that it's OK to just let some things slip. It might be a one-off. But I certainly wouldn't want this to become "the norm" as you have spent time and effort choosing those gifts from the two of you.

SmileyClare · 24/12/2020 16:00

Why not put the money towards a day out when the weather (and pandemic situation) is better?

The children are old enough to video call their grandparents to thank them and wish them a Merry Christmas.

For the sake of a reasonable atmosphere over Christmas, I would try to forget this now and put your resentment aside. Just make it plain to dh that he needs to organise presents better next year.

SlippersForFlippers · 24/12/2020 16:08

Go the cash machine and split the money between them, just film them opening the envelope.

Heartlantern2 · 24/12/2020 16:15

Well why didn’t he get the presents with the money his parents gave him?

This is your DH’s fault.

SmileyClare · 24/12/2020 16:15

It's been a terrible year for everyone and I'm sure you've both struggled with your dh working from home and your dad dying (My sympathies )

If your dh has always organised the in PIL's Christmas present in the past, I would let this go. Reach a compromise or solution without causing more bad feeling with the ILs and don't embarrass your dh in front of them.

It sounds as though your dh took his eye off the ball this year and it slipped his mind.

RandomUsernameHere · 24/12/2020 16:21

Your DH is the one at fault here. I would give the DC the money to choose something they want. I don't blame the grandparents for giving cash, I would much much rather my in-laws did this than buy rubbish that the DC don't want or need that we don't have space for!!!

squeekums · 24/12/2020 16:22

oh hell no
screw that
he can wrap the cash or run out and hope he finds something

user8888 · 24/12/2020 16:25

OP I get it. The ILs aren't putting any effort in.

My XH used to do the same. He used to pick up all the presents from his family and they would simply pay him and I would end doing ALL THE WRAPPING (because XH never wrapped anything ever!) I got really sick of it. They would just show up on the birthday or whatever with nothing in their hands. When we broke up the marriage XH stopped doing this for them because I guess he lost his 'wrapping' slave. (And then my DCs started getting terrible presents from them, eg a toy robot for a 12 year old or no gifts at all like last Christmas visit).

So I think I know what you are saying.

JanewaysBun · 24/12/2020 16:27

Haven't read the whole thread but split the cash between them and pop in their savings accounts. It will come in handy one day!

DappledThings · 24/12/2020 16:27

All the gifts come from Father Christmas here
if family member wish to give gifts on top of that, they are welcome to do so. They would not take from Santa's pile!
How does that work if someone sends something wrapped and tagged? Do you take the tag off, claim it's from Santa and then let relative know it's been added to "Santa's pile" but if they want to send a second present they can? Or does nobody send anything to you that way? If I found out the things I'd sent for niece and nephew were being treated that way it would be the last year I sent anything.

BringPizza · 24/12/2020 16:29

Cash or an online voucher, they all (DH and PILs) need to learn.

NotSorry · 24/12/2020 16:29

YANBU OP - I got so tired of my parents bunging me cash to get the kids something that the last few years I’ve put the money in a card and then they have something to open. I have enough to do already.

I always ask my step-son and step-daughter if there’s anything the grandchildren want. If yes, I buy it, wrap it and organise it to get there (bit more difficult this year as we’re all in tier 4, but we managed it). If not, we think of something ourselves and get that.

All this “they’re kind enough to send the money” absolute tosh - it’s bloody lazy.

Love51 · 24/12/2020 16:33

My mil always send a chunk of cash and we choose a present 'from' her to wrap up. She tends to send a wodge of money to DH but not specify how much is for each person etc. Last year she sent more than usual so we asked her if she'd mind us putting it towards a minibreak, because it was hundreds of pounds and my kids are bought presents by a lot of extended family and don't need stuff, they love going to see new places.
I think the issue here is the timing. If DH had told you 3 weeks ago he could still have gone shopping (even if you are in T4 there's click and collect). He's assumed it is a done deal, which wasn't really on.

Emeraldshamrock · 24/12/2020 16:34

In future use the money they sent to buy a gift from GP. One not as nice as your gift if that helps you feel better.
It isn't really their fault if you've never complained about cash over gifts in the past.
It is your DH's fail unfortunately.

largeprintagathachristie · 24/12/2020 16:35

Your parents in law have been nice and made a plan that they've assumed would have been followed. This is 100% on your DH.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/12/2020 16:35

I would do it, and be perfectly happy!

As far as I'm concerned money is a great gift. Better than a thoughtfully chosen gift which 90% of the time misses the mark. And yes, your DH probably should have picked something on Amazon, but do your children really need another present, just for the sake of it?

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 24/12/2020 16:42

Presumably they think your DH spent the money on presents because he said he would.
This isn't an IL problem. It's a DH problem. There's nothing wrong with them sending money to be used for gifts since you and DH know the DCs best and can ensure they get something they need/want and that you consider appropriate. The ILs aren't expecting you to put in emotional and physical labour. They asked their son to do it and he agreed.

SmileyClare · 24/12/2020 16:45

If you do resent being sent money to spend on the dc (on the pil's behalf) then perhaps next year suggest an alternative?

I don't mind this sort of set up to be honest. It's not that hard to buy an extra present from a relative and I m not fuming they haven't made more effort. Yes your dh dropped the ball this year, it's not the end of the world.
I suspect your issues run deeper with your in laws though Op and this is the thin end of the wedge?

You could ask them to pay money into an account for the children (because they always get too many presents) and treat them to an "experience" instead next year- panto, a day at a theme park or something.

Emeraldshamrock · 24/12/2020 16:49

I'd give them the pleasure of seeing the DC open a special gift while scowling slyly at DH afterall he messed up.
After Christmas let them know well in advance you'd like them to choose a gift.
I suspect whatever they choose will be a duplicate or woolly jumpers and you'll regret it.
Put the cash towards a day trip.

Sindragosan · 24/12/2020 16:50

My mum does this every year, but its fine because she tells me in advance and I expect it anyway. We either buy them something specific or put the money towards a large gift and say its from grandparents as well. When they were little and had lots of stuff we just put the money in a savings account. Grandma doesn't expect to see a specific thing "from her" if that makes sense, or will occasionally buy them gifts if she does want to give them a particular thing.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 24/12/2020 16:51

Haha no. Why pander to them? Christmas does bring the CF’s out big time doesn’t it? There’s something about occasions that make people take the piss

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