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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't be made to let the in-laws take the credit.

123 replies

User3billion · 24/12/2020 15:04

DH has just asked me what time I want him to arrange to video call the in-laws tomorrow so they can see the kids open their gifts from them.

I asked what they'd got them as not seen anything arrive in the post and husband has barely left the house for months (working from home).

His answer? Oh I'm just going to see what we have and say one of those is from them.

They do send over money to DH but that's not the point! Everything we've bought for the kids is things we've discussed and chosen for them - not once has he mentioned any of the gifts being from his parents.

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 24/12/2020 15:23

I think your husband is in the wrong here, potentially. If the agreement is that they send him money and he goes and gets them something with it then it's a bit rubbish that he hasn't, and they would be disappointed if he hasn't told them and they call and there is nothing to watch then open

Zilla1 · 24/12/2020 15:23

I can see that sounds frustrating but I wouldn't punish the ILs for your DH's decisions if they sent money to your DH in the expectation it would be used to buy presents and, in effect, they did as you used money from the joint account possibly containing their money to buy the presents (unless your dH pocketed the money or is saving separately). I'd let the ILs watch then have a conversation with your DH as that's where the problem seems to lay.

Original poster
User3billion · 24/12/2020 15:26

The reason it bothers me (and I really should be over it by now) is that in 12 years of being grandparents I could count on one hand the number of things they've chosen themselves.
Plus, they rarely visit either as the 30 minute drive is too far (although shorter in the opposite direction it seems). So it's as much about me being annoyed with them as with husband's lack of planning.

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 24/12/2020 15:26

What age are they? Couldn't you just give your DC the cash?

Ilovesausages · 24/12/2020 15:28

This is kind of what we do too but the difference is that DH does all the gift shopping. So it doesn’t bother me. It would the way round that you describe it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/12/2020 15:29

Would you prefer they didn’t gift or buy things that aren’t what they wanted?

PoptartPoptart · 24/12/2020 15:30

Put the cash they gave in an envelope. Wrap the envelope. Let them watch the DC open said envelope.
That’s what I’d do.

FuzzyPuffling · 24/12/2020 15:34

They've sent some money but your DH didn't get the children anything? Then it's his fault, not the ILs and I would definitely say one of "your" presents is from them.

Why is everyone so thoroughly unpleasant to their in laws? I am deeply grateful my children's partners don't treat me like this.

Sally872 · 24/12/2020 15:35

Why didn't dh buy something from them as usual?

To save any embarrassment I would allocate a gift as from them or send dh to tesco now. Yanbu, but neither are in laws I would be very annoyed at dh.

Quartz2208 · 24/12/2020 15:36

Did they send the money and how much?

Original poster
User3billion · 24/12/2020 15:36

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss thank you for your valuable input, my dad died last month so I'm acutely aware of missing relatives.

I'd rather they had a conversation with the kids and asked what they'd like/want/need.

Failing that, I'd like them to be happy to give the kids (12, 10, 6) the cash and stop expecting others to put in all the physical and emotional labour.

OP posts:
IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 24/12/2020 15:40

I'm with you OP. Can't abide Disney grandparenting. My DH's parents are the same. Fling a fiver to my kids and really don't else bother with them (oh until we're in front of their friends then it's different.

Say no OP otherwise they'll see this is easier for them and do this every year herein.

MessAllOver · 24/12/2020 15:40

Why don't you give them the money, ask them each to pick out something they're going to buy with it and then they can speak to their GPs to say thank you and tell them what they're going to buy tomorrow?

stuffedforchristmas · 24/12/2020 15:41

It's rude and controlling of your DP not to discuss this with you.

I would not have a problem with it otherwise. My children know perfectly well who choose what but it's nice for them to know others care.

MereDintofPandiculation · 24/12/2020 15:42

Failing that, I'd like them to be happy to give the kids (12, 10, 6) the cash and stop expecting others to put in all the physical and emotional labour. But since they appear to have agreed with your DH that he would buy the present if they gave him the money, then it would be unnecessarily unpleasant to do as PP suggests and just stick the money in an envelope.

JovialNickname · 24/12/2020 15:43

I can't really understand why everyone's saying hell no, cheeky fuckers. They kindly sent money so that your H could buy gifts for your kids, that they liked and wanted. He failed to do that, or to bother getting anything at all. You can't now just say piss off, these presents are from us not you! Or send your husband to get a shit gift on purpose - why would you do that? You've taken money from them to buy a present, I think you'll just have to name the gift that is "least" special and name that as being from the GPS. And next time tell your bloke to pull his finger out - he's not been good enough!

ASatisfyingThump · 24/12/2020 15:44

Maybe the money could go towards a big gift they both want? Topped up with any other money from other relatives? That's what we've done this year, any cash we get from relatives is going towards the Nintendo Switch that both kids have been asking for all year, and we'll get it in the January sales. I do agree it's a bit shit that he didn't bother to think about gifts from his parents though.

CoRhona · 24/12/2020 15:45

Give the children a gift you have already. Use the in-laws' cash to buy yourself something from them Xmas Grin

Viviennemary · 24/12/2020 15:45

If the in-laws sent money they shouldn't suffer as they've done their bit if it was agreed. Your DH should have bought the presents if he got the money.

UnbeatenMum · 24/12/2020 15:48

YANBU. You bought x amount of gifts (5/10/whatever) because that's what you wanted to give the children from you and DH. It's basically just you keeping the money if you relabel some of them. I have 11 and 9 year olds so I'm sure your older two would love to just have the cash if DH can't think of anything else given it's Christmas Eve.

mummmy2017 · 24/12/2020 15:51

Did you see the money go into the account?

category12 · 24/12/2020 15:51

If your dh has taken the cash from them, he just needs to draw it out and put it in a Christmas card for the kids from the in-laws.

That way you get the credit for the presents, the kids get the money the in-laws provided and it's all sorted.

Cccc1111 · 24/12/2020 15:51

Any other year I’d say unreasonable, but this hasn’t been a normal year at all. I’d let it slide, and agree to it just this year,

Paintedmaypole · 24/12/2020 15:52

This is your husband's fault. They sent him money to buy a gift and he didn't. He has left it too late and now he will just have to earmark something around that value as from his parents. I would let him in order to avoid embarrassment unless he can still get something but I would let him know how I felt and warn him never to do it again. How old are the kids? If they are older I would make him go to agarage and get Amazon vouchers.

fairlygoodmother · 24/12/2020 15:54

I would be annoyed by this. But I think your children will be happier thinking that their grandparents had got them a present so I would let it go.

Why not agree something in advance with DH to be from the GPs though?