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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for 10 minutes of her time?

93 replies

YanTanTethera01 · 24/12/2020 14:57

DD gets herself out of bed at 12.30 today, has a shower, does her hair, sits around, eats then, just as I start to do the roots on my hair when she knows I need her to do the back, she starts chopping stuff for the lunch tomorrow. I shouted downstairs to ask if she had 5 minutes to put the rest on and got a hissing noise and a scream - evidently that is the feral 'no' response. It might be just a small thing but it's really upset me. I do everything for her. She's 19, lives at home and I've done everything I can to make sure she has a lovely Christmas. I've struggled with it myself and am now feeling really sorry for myself that I could cry. I just think she's a selfish, bullying cow.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 24/12/2020 14:59

Yep she is not being very nice to you there. Although is it at least stuff for lunch for you tomorrow that she’s chopping?

Original poster
YanTanTethera01 · 24/12/2020 15:02

Yes, she told me categorically that she's doing Xmas lunch for us and not to get involved. She can come across quite menacing but maybe that's just her way and she doesn't mean to.

OP posts:
winterbabythistime · 24/12/2020 15:02

Did you tell her that you'd need her help or did you just shout and expect her to come immediately?

WotWouldCJDo · 24/12/2020 15:04

It's not clear whether she knew you'd need her in 20 minutes, or did you just decide you needed her to do your hair when she was only 5 minutes in to her chores?

WotWouldCJDo · 24/12/2020 15:05

Either way, it sounds like you don't like living together. Perhaps in the New Year it's worth talking about her moving out.

Brighterthansunflowers · 24/12/2020 15:05

Had you actually asked her to help you at a certain time? Or did you just expect her to drop everything and help you?

Obviously the way she spoke to you was rude and I’m not excusing it.

Original poster
YanTanTethera01 · 24/12/2020 15:06

I told her yesterday, and earlier today that I was going to do it. She could hear me upstairs in the bathroom. That's the difference between me and her, I'd drop everything to do something for her.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2020 15:06

She's doing Christmas lunch? Blimey, good for her.

No one sees the back of your head Grin

Spodge · 24/12/2020 15:07

Can't vote without knowing whether you told her your plans or just expected her to know when you wanted assistance.

lunar1 · 24/12/2020 15:09

Why didn't you ask if she was free before you started?

PotteringAlong · 24/12/2020 15:11

You’re bitching because, although you vaguely mentioned that at some point in the day you would need her to do the back of your hair, you didn’t actually tell her you would be doing it then and she didn’t immediately stop her complete prep of Christmas lunch to drop everything and come to you when you clicked your fingers? Really?

And now are making a song and dance about it? And for this you think she is a selfish bullying cow?

Blimey.

Gardeniaofdelights · 24/12/2020 15:11

Yanbu, she was very rude. Teenagers can be such arseholes!

Have a large glass of wine and hope her humanity reasserts itself soon WineFlowers

Original poster
YanTanTethera01 · 24/12/2020 15:13

She's not doing her chores. She chooses to cook, I don't have a say in it.

I asked her 45 minutes ago now if she'd have some time to help me. Beyond the hiss and scream, she hasn't answered, hasn't shouted up to see if I've managed, hasn't said she's busy but can help in half an hour, an hour, later tonight, hasn't come upstairs. Nothing.

She doesn't want to do it. Full stop. And is putting extra effort into the thing she likes doing to avoid it.

OP posts:
heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping · 24/12/2020 15:15

I just think she's a selfish, bullying cow.

that's a very weird way to describe your own child. You do know you are the parent, don't you? She is not a roommate who can be rude to you!
You need to step it up a bit!

I am not clear if you actually told her you started your hair and would need her in 5 minutes, or suddenly asked her when she was in the middle of something else.
No need for her to be rude, but reverse it, you would be annoyed to if you start diner and she suddenly bellow that she needs you.

Gardeniaofdelights · 24/12/2020 15:15

@PotteringAlong did you miss the ‘Hissed and screamed’ part or are you just ignoring it? It’s not like OP’s daughter said ‘I’m just in the middle of something, can I do it later?’. She was really rude and hostile, and there’s no excuse.

PaquitaVariation · 24/12/2020 15:16

I think it’s time she moved out. It doesn’t sound like anyone’s enjoying her being at home any longer.

FuckOffDailyFailure · 24/12/2020 15:16

She sounds really rude and unpleasant. I was amazed when you said she was 19! That sort of behaviour I would have thought maybe a younger teen, but at that age I had moved on my own to another country and I was by no means mature for my age.

Original poster
YanTanTethera01 · 24/12/2020 15:17

Potteringalong

I didn't "vaguely mention" it to her. She knew when I was doing it and when I was starting to do it. She hadn't even started her prep when I asked her but by the time I started she was "in the middle of it".

I feel nervous around her sometimes because she's so rude and snappy.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2020 15:19

OK in all seriousness. I would have found doing that too intimate and weird as a teenager and wouldn't have wanted to.

The rudeness is another matter.

heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping · 24/12/2020 15:19

I feel nervous around her sometimes because she's so rude and snappy.

your own child?! It's ok to tell them off and not put up with any rude behaviour!

Actually, it's more than ok, you are doing her a huge disfavour if she grows up thinking it's acceptable to disrespect her own mother. You REALLY need to start standing up for yourself, you are the one in charge and you are the one raising her.

Original poster
YanTanTethera01 · 24/12/2020 15:20

What is weird and intimate about doing someone's hair??? She's a trainee hairdresser.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 24/12/2020 15:21

She's a trainee hairdresser.

Talk about a bloody drip feed!

heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping · 24/12/2020 15:22

What is weird and intimate about doing someone's hair??? She's a trainee hairdresser.

nothing, but teenagers can be funny, and may find it very awkward to be physically close to their own parents. I think that's what the poster meant. Teens can be weird.

You can embarrass your own daughter by saying "hi" to her friend in the street in front of her Grin.

No excuse about the rudeness, and the trainee detail makes it differnet too

Original poster
YanTanTethera01 · 24/12/2020 15:27

It shouldn't matter what she does for a job. It's the rudeness and selfishness of it. I'm trying not to ruin Xmas by pulling her up about it because she'll sulk and I can't be bothered with it.

It's actually my fault that she's like this, I know. I've tried to be mum, dad, grandparents, friend and everything else to her growing up as it's always just been the two of us. Consequently I've over-compensated by giving and doing everything I can for her.

She is very independent and is an excellent cook and home maker. Qualities I've tried to build in her in case she is ever on her own in the future.

OP posts:
Heartlantern2 · 24/12/2020 15:31

Of course you would drop everything for her, most parents do, however I wouldn’t expect my kids to drop everything for me, they do that for their own kids when they have them.

You can’t compare a parents love for a daughter and expect it to be the same as a adults love for their parent, if that makes sense.