To ask for 10 minutes of her time?

[YanTanTethera01]

DD gets herself out of bed at 12.30 today, has a shower, does her hair, sits around, eats then, just as I start to do the roots on my hair when she knows I need her to do the back, she starts chopping stuff for the lunch tomorrow. I shouted downstairs to ask if she had 5 minutes to put the rest on and got a hissing noise and a scream - evidently that is the feral 'no' response. It might be just a small thing but it's really upset me. I do everything for her. She's 19, lives at home and I've done everything I can to make sure she has a lovely Christmas. I've struggled with it myself and am now feeling really sorry for myself that I could cry. I just think she's a selfish, bullying cow.

She's only 19. Did you warn her you were starting your hair or did you just expect her to drop whatever she was doing whenever you called?

The way you talk about her is really hostile. It's a shame. You should have asked her before "DD, I'm planning on doing my hair at 2pm. Are you still ok to help and will then be ok?". Like you would anyone else. Just because she's your daughter doesn't mean she should have to drop everything to colour your hair (which many grown women manage themselves).

I think your communication skills are poor. If you had said I'm going to do my hair now so could you give me a hand in 10 minutes time please? Then the whole thing might have panned out differently. She obviously wasn't aware you were going to want her right then or I assume she wouldn't have started on the veg. It then seemed to her that just as she started the veg you decide you want her and so she screams out of frustration. You get upset because she's not prepared to drop everything the minute you shout and then become the martyr who was so wonderful and did everything for her - although you think it's fine to describe her as a selfish, bullying cow. I have a mother like this and it makes me want to scream with frustration sometimes too.

Sorry? She left your hair to go and make the bloody lunch , you summoned her back and didn't like her tone? The poor girl!

also OP, please think about how you are speaking about your own child. my mother regularly called me a selfish bitch throughout my teens whenever I didn't please her and it's made me the biggest walkover ever.

@heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping

If the OP has a trainee hairdresser at home, why WOULDN"T she expect some help!

Even if she likes to cook she is still doing a nice thing by making dinner.

No she is not. That's just normal chores, why should her mother be expected to do it all? Any member of the family (of a reasonable age) should be equally responsible for the basic chores in turn or equally. It's not "nice" for a 19 year to cook any more than it is "nice" for a husband to push the hoover around.

Because she is not a service at her mother's beck and call. OP is expecting a lot here - what's she doing ?

@YanTanTethera01

She's not doing her chores. She chooses to cook, I don't have a say in it.

I asked her 45 minutes ago now if she'd have some time to help me. Beyond the hiss and scream, she hasn't answered, hasn't shouted up to see if I've managed, hasn't said she's busy but can help in half an hour, an hour, later tonight, hasn't come upstairs. Nothing.

She doesn't want to do it. Full stop. And is putting extra effort into the thing she likes doing to avoid it.

Then she doesn't have to OP.

Your dynamo sounds weird, you're oddly childlike.

Dynamic, not dynamo

@FuckOffDailyFailure

Once again some of the responses here are very harsh, and completely uncalled for, I think people just want to be spiteful.

Yes, I agree. It gets like this round Christmas, I've noticed. Some angry Mumsnetters around, venting their rage at random strangers. All a bit weird really, but I expect they have some problems.

Don't take any notice of them op .

I've not really seen any spite?

The only spite i can see has come from OP describing her own daughter

@Brighterthansunflowers

The only spite i can see has come from OP describing her own daughter

Agreed

If anybody bellows at me from upstairs/ downstairs they'll get extremely short shrift. Folks seeking favours ought to ask nicely.

I would never have minded doing this for my mum at 19, or younger, or now. The comment about it being too intimate is weird, frankly.

At the grand old age of 27, I enjoy sitting with my mum, painting her nails and toenails etc.

There isn't enough info in your post - but it would be an entirely different story if my mum expected, demanded, or didn't ask nicely and give plenty of warning. But your post neither says you did that, or didn't. A bit of help between two women, and 10 minutes of her time isn't much to ask, no.

Oh and a 19 year old screaming in a huff is ridiculous.

I've certainly been a bad behaved teenager before, but screaming at 19 at being asked to do something is pathetic.

OP, you're too close.

You both need space and boundaries. Particularly her.

Calling your own daughter names isn't nice. I can't imagine an emotionally healthy mother doing this. You need your own friends and meet your own emotional needs. This is not working.

If you want your DD's help with your roots, arrange a time that suits her. Don't repeatedly announce the fact that you'll be doing it, then yell down the stairs and sulk because she's cooking. But it's not about the roots, is it.

It's not 'the two of you' any longer. It's two individual women, neither of whom should be doing 'everything' and living for the other.

Her reaction is over the top. It does initially seem churlish that she couldn't just come and help for a few minutes.

However,I have to say I had a fairly toxic dynamic with my dm and dsis and in dsis case one of her things was to set people up to fail. In her case this situation would have gone like this. Vaguely mentioned she was dying her hair but not clarify she may need help with it. Wait until you were doing something else and call for help. If even a word of frustration was mentioned she would then proclaim passive aggressively that she was hard done by and that she did everything I the whole world yada yada yada. So it's very hard seeing this from one point of view.

Dm could be very similar (to be fair dsis learnt it from her) and hated , absolutely hated seeing anyone sitting down, so would without fail ensure they were asked to do something. Now 9 times out of ten it would be stupid but guaranteed on the tenth time when you e pressed frustration it would be genuine ,cue the most perfect reason for her to martyr it up.

Can you see OP that the situation can be seen from different angles. It's not that I disbelieve you but some of your wording makes me question your reaction.

Also...I doubt she screamed. You're calling her a selfish cow and you're her mother. I distrust the accuracy of your recall and would like to hear from her what she actually said.

Did you know she didn't want to do it when you were repeatedly announcing your intention of doing it? Did you ever actually ask her if she'd be ok with helping you?

It seems coercive. Why doesn't she want to do something she's training to do? Is it because you've just decided she owes you? You don't have the right to do that.

If you want to recognise your daughter's independence, build healthy boundaries and get your roots done, ask if you can be one of her first clients. Then thank her when, one day, she gives you a discount. Not because she necessarily doesn't owe you a free haircut, but she's only 19 and she may not get that yet. But she will get you recognising her as a professional.

YABU for calling your daughter a selfish cow

OP, it’s your house, not hers. She is living there because you are letting her live there and she needs to understand that.

You sound scared of her and need to learn to become assertive.

My mother liked to treat me as if I was an unexploded bomb. I sometimes felt that way around her, but only because she was treating me like it! She's controlling, belittling, always making subtle and snide comments, passing judgement negatively, snippy etc. Whenever I knew it was coming (family gathering, I lived in a different town) of course I'd be on edge, tense, anxious. I ended up needing a lot of anxiety medication in the lead up to a family event, especially during the event, and for a while after. Sometimes I would blow up at her, usually after politely and repeatedly standing up to her hadn't worked. It wasn't me who was the problem, but her treating me like I was made everything worse. And my reaction to that made me look like a bitch. My mother liked to play the victim too. All wide eyed innocence and what did I say/do? I only did this/that because of xyz, said in a hurt and confused tone. If you met her you'd think she was lovely. And she probably would be, to you. She's not evil, not fundamentally a bad person, but she has a selfish streak and can be unpleasant.

OP I'm really sorry, but your behaviour on this thread is reminding me of my mother. I'm going to guess that your daughter would say that your "polite request for help" was maybe not quite so polite in tone and possibly was the last straw. About this particular situation I'm going to suggest you respect your daughter's feelings. If you know she doesn't like doing your hair dye and only does it because she feels it's expected of her, then stop asking/expecting her to do it. Find another solution to the problem of your hair dye application. She's an adult and is not obligated to run round after you, solving your problems.

@coldwaterfeed

OP, it’s your house, not hers. She is living there because you are letting her live there and she needs to understand that.

You sound scared of her and need to learn to become assertive.

Cold water I promise I'm not picking on you tonight but I hate this sentiment.

She Is OPs child. OP chose to have her.

@AmberItsACertainty

My mother liked to treat me as if I was an unexploded bomb. I sometimes felt that way around her, but only because she was treating me like it! She's controlling, belittling, always making subtle and snide comments, passing judgement negatively, snippy etc. Whenever I knew it was coming (family gathering, I lived in a different town) of course I'd be on edge, tense, anxious. I ended up needing a lot of anxiety medication in the lead up to a family event, especially during the event, and for a while after. Sometimes I would blow up at her, usually after politely and repeatedly standing up to her hadn't worked. It wasn't me who was the problem, but her treating me like I was made everything worse. And my reaction to that made me look like a bitch. My mother liked to play the victim too. All wide eyed innocence and what did I say/do? I only did this/that because of xyz, said in a hurt and confused tone. If you met her you'd think she was lovely. And she probably would be, to you. She's not evil, not fundamentally a bad person, but she has a selfish streak and can be unpleasant.

OP I'm really sorry, but your behaviour on this thread is reminding me of my mother. I'm going to guess that your daughter would say that your "polite request for help" was maybe not quite so polite in tone and possibly was the last straw. About this particular situation I'm going to suggest you respect your daughter's feelings. If you know she doesn't like doing your hair dye and only does it because she feels it's expected of her, then stop asking/expecting her to do it. Find another solution to the problem of your hair dye application. She's an adult and is not obligated to run round after you, solving your problems.

I'm genuinely considering from your first paragraph that I have an unknown sister it does so much damage, doesn't it.

@Wheresmykimchi yes it does! Secret sisters

@AmberItsACertainty @Wheresmykimchi
Jesus Christ, a single parent has come on to this forum to have a rant about her selfish indulged DD, and she's now a controlling/belittling/negative/snippy etc etc.. you've no idea about their relationship, she's said very little, and her 'behaviour' on this thread is that of someone at the end of her tether with said selfish/indulged teen!

Give her a break ffs