To ask for 10 minutes of her time?

[YanTanTethera01]

DD gets herself out of bed at 12.30 today, has a shower, does her hair, sits around, eats then, just as I start to do the roots on my hair when she knows I need her to do the back, she starts chopping stuff for the lunch tomorrow. I shouted downstairs to ask if she had 5 minutes to put the rest on and got a hissing noise and a scream - evidently that is the feral 'no' response. It might be just a small thing but it's really upset me. I do everything for her. She's 19, lives at home and I've done everything I can to make sure she has a lovely Christmas. I've struggled with it myself and am now feeling really sorry for myself that I could cry. I just think she's a selfish, bullying cow.

[quote Itsallpointless]**@AmberItsACertainty* @Wheresmykimchi*
Jesus Christ, a single parent has come on to this forum to have a rant about her selfish indulged DD, and she's now a controlling/belittling/negative/snippy etc etc.. you've no idea about their relationship, she's said very little, and her 'behaviour' on this thread is that of someone at the end of her tether with said selfish/indulged teen!

Give her a break ffs
[/quote]
I didn't call her any of those things- we are giving an opinion on situation like everyone else.

IMHO teen is not the selfish or indulged one but it's just an opinion.

@Wheresmykimchi seems you agreed though? And a lone parent who is doing her best, asked for her DD to do her a favour is selfish and indulged??🙄

[quote Itsallpointless]@Wheresmykimchi seems you agreed though? And a lone parent who is doing her best, asked for her DD to do her a favour is selfish and indulged??🙄

[/quote]
Why the emphasis on her being a lone parent? And why are you missing out huge sections of the narrative?

@Itsallpointless if you read my post properly I called my mother those things not the OP. I said the OP is reminding me of my mother with the things OP is posting in this thread and I raised the possibility that OP isn't as innocent as she's believing herself to be in this situation. The OP did post asking if she's being unreasonable.

[quote AmberItsACertainty]@Itsallpointless if you read my post properly I called my mother those things not the OP. I said the OP is reminding me of my mother with the things OP is posting in this thread and I raised the possibility that OP isn't as innocent as she's believing herself to be in this situation. The OP did post asking if she's being unreasonable.[/quote]
I agree

We agreed on our mums.

I do hate this vibe that you can have an opinion if you agree with oP.

Sounds like you have allowed this bad behaviour throughout her childhood ( aka tried to be her friend parenting style ) and now you are surprised you are living with a 19yo arsehole who is screeching and hissing at you.

@Youdonut

I would never have minded doing this for my mum at 19, or younger, or now. The comment about it being too intimate is weird, frankly.

At the grand old age of 27, I enjoy sitting with my mum, painting her nails and toenails etc.

There isn't enough info in your post - but it would be an entirely different story if my mum expected, demanded, or didn't ask nicely and give plenty of warning. But your post neither says you did that, or didn't. A bit of help between two women, and 10 minutes of her time isn't much to ask, no.

I suppose it's interpretation...I thought OP comes across massively demanding

@AmberItsACertainty you said the OP behaviour reminded you of your Mother, so basically comparing, which, in fairness, lots of us do.

@Wheresmykimchi I emphasised (or rather stated) the single parent status, because when you are alone with DC, you have no support/back up/offloading available, I'm fully aware that it's not just single parents that have to deal with errant teens either.

What stood out to me in the OP was the 'request' from the Mother to her daughter, was not unreasonable or demanding, and I wrote in another post about my selfish and indulged goddaughter who did EXACTLY this to my friend, who also bends over backwards to please her 18yo and is a kind and generous Mother. I was cross about that too.

I sympathise with you both if you've had a tough time growing up with your Mums, I didn't, and neither has my DC, but I cannot bear to hear of the entitled youth out there today, who have no gratitude and little respect for their parents.

I apologise if I have upset either of you

[quote Itsallpointless]@AmberItsACertainty you said the OP behaviour reminded you of your Mother, so basically comparing, which, in fairness, lots of us do.

@Wheresmykimchi I emphasised (or rather stated) the single parent status, because when you are alone with DC, you have no support/back up/offloading available, I'm fully aware that it's not just single parents that have to deal with errant teens either.

What stood out to me in the OP was the 'request' from the Mother to her daughter, was not unreasonable or demanding, and I wrote in another post about my selfish and indulged goddaughter who did EXACTLY this to my friend, who also bends over backwards to please her 18yo and is a kind and generous Mother. I was cross about that too.

I sympathise with you both if you've had a tough time growing up with your Mums, I didn't, and neither has my DC, but I cannot bear to hear of the entitled youth out there today, who have no gratitude and little respect for their parents.

I apologise if I have upset either of you

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You haven't upset me , I just get fed up with mothers always being right and never accountable. Excuses made but never for the child. I'm pushing 30 and still the only member of my family to challenge my mother's toxicity. Respect goes both ways I'm afraid and is not a parents right.

The request itself wasn't an issue but the narrative OP describes is.

@Itsallpointless no you've not upset me. You've misunderstood me a little is all and I was trying to explain. I can totally imagine my own mother making a thread along the lines of 'my daughter is so disrespectful and ungrateful and I only asked for ten minutes of her time' type of post similar to this one. The reality would be somewhat different.

I don't see the OPs request as reasonable either. Looks like she didn't arrange a suitable, mutually agreeable time for her DD to help with her hair, didn't mention it as she went upstairs to the bathroom to start on it, in fact waited until her DD was in the middle of doing something before she asked-with-the-expectation-of-being-obeyed for her DD to help. I can well imagine the DD's frustration. It sounds as though OP could hear what DD was doing in the kitchen so she could at the very least have said she'll need help very soon, as soon as she heard her DD go in there and before DD fully got going with the food prep.

The other reason I see OP's expectation as unreasonable is because she has said she knows her DD doesn't like doing her hair dye. So where's OP's respect towards her daughter then? It's not a life-or-death task or even that important. And most people can very easily dye their own hair successfully. Mine is long and thick and I've never had help with it. So why in this situation should the DD be expected to do something she dislikes?

I really can't explain it any better than that. I have a different opinion to you that's all. I suspect there's more to this story than what we've been told and because of this I'm not automatically on OP's side here.

@AmberItsACertainty @Wheresmykimchi

I guess because I have been a single parent, I see the ungrateful child who won't put themselves out for their parent. I continually put myself out for my 22yo DS, yet I get "I'll do it in a minute" and it invariably never gets done. I respect him, he (to an extent) respects me. The OP just made me see an average family asking a favour. I'd have done anything for my mum, anything at all, despite not liking it, or it not being convenient.

We all come from different perspectives I suppose, and it's good to see others views and experiences, it creates a balanced view.

I've hijacked this thread somewhat so I apologise to the OP..if she ever comes back

For most people if you want a favour (e.g. some help doing your hair) you ask the person when would be convenient or check if now's a good time. Don't just start doing it then expect them to drop everything.

It's also bloody annoying to say 'I'd drop everything for you why won't you do the same for me?' . They might not want a relationship like that with their mother once they're an adult. It's much better to simply stop doing so much for DD - she's 19, she's training to be a professional, she probably doesn't need that much help any more or for you to be fussing around her. It might make her subconsciously push you away - she wants independence.

DD was very rude though and I can totally see why OP would be upset. Instead of just jumping to the conclusion that DD is awful though I'd try and think about why she's feeling frustrated.

@Stuffedforchristmas I agree with all that you have said.
OP I think you & your daughter need lots of space from each other. Maybe this is something to think about in the new year. Could your dd share with friends ?
Also I hate this notion that kids, especially ones with single parents, should be eternally grateful & make all sorts of allowances for their parents situation. Perhaps the kids are pissed off at the often crap situations they found themselves in too. Having a kid is the parents choice 100%. I do not expect my dc to be grateful to me for having them!

I agree that there’s more to this than we’re being told here. The emotive language, calling the dd a bully, all the wailing about i would do anything for her and she won’t do xyz, making what is ostensibly a reasonable request but at the most awkward moment possible - i am lucky enough to not have toxic parents but i imagine all this type of thing is extremely familiar to those who have the misfortune to need support from the Stately Homes threads you see on here.

I may be misunderstanding; it sounds as though you asked her yesterday if she could help you today and then today you just started doing it when you felt like it without asking her if she would be ok to help you in 20 minutes or so. You should have said to her 'if I start doing my hair, can you help me finish it off in 20 mins?'. Not just started then expect her to help now.

Teens go through a selfish stage. When they get to about 24 they improve and become more considerate.

[quote Itsallpointless]**@AmberItsACertainty* @Wheresmykimchi*

I guess because I have been a single parent, I see the ungrateful child who won't put themselves out for their parent. I continually put myself out for my 22yo DS, yet I get "I'll do it in a minute" and it invariably never gets done. I respect him, he (to an extent) respects me. The OP just made me see an average family asking a favour. I'd have done anything for my mum, anything at all, despite not liking it, or it not being convenient.

We all come from different perspectives I suppose, and it's good to see others views and experiences, it creates a balanced view.

I've hijacked this thread somewhat so I apologise to the OP..if she ever comes back

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But DD was making dinner. She wasnt sat doing nothing. It sounds that DD got fed up with OPs demands.

@MadameButterface

I agree that there’s more to this than we’re being told here. The emotive language, calling the dd a bully, all the wailing about i would do anything for her and she won’t do xyz, making what is ostensibly a reasonable request but at the most awkward moment possible - i am lucky enough to not have toxic parents but i imagine all this type of thing is extremely familiar to those who have the misfortune to need support from the Stately Homes threads you see on here.

This.

My mother regularly produced demands at the most awkward moment possible and them the process would follow as described.