Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To ask for 10 minutes of her time?

93 replies

YanTanTethera01 · 24/12/2020 14:57

DD gets herself out of bed at 12.30 today, has a shower, does her hair, sits around, eats then, just as I start to do the roots on my hair when she knows I need her to do the back, she starts chopping stuff for the lunch tomorrow. I shouted downstairs to ask if she had 5 minutes to put the rest on and got a hissing noise and a scream - evidently that is the feral 'no' response. It might be just a small thing but it's really upset me. I do everything for her. She's 19, lives at home and I've done everything I can to make sure she has a lovely Christmas. I've struggled with it myself and am now feeling really sorry for myself that I could cry. I just think she's a selfish, bullying cow.

OP posts:

PawPawNoodle · 24/12/2020 15:37

I'm still not 100% clear on whether you went "right daughter, I'm going up to do my hair in a few minutes, can you pop up and help me in about 15 minutes/at quarter past 1 or if you're not free now when can you help" or whether she was meant to take you clattering around in the bathroom as her cue.

nanbread · 24/12/2020 15:42

I would have gone downstairs and said, I know you're prepping for tomorrow but can I have a hand with this colour quickly?

It's much harder to scream and hiss to someone's face

izzyrose85 · 24/12/2020 15:52

It does sound a bit like you expected her to drop everything to help at a time that suited you rather than her OP. Surely if you need someone's help you ask first "is half an hour's time ok to do X?"

OmarListening · 24/12/2020 15:53

Are you just putting a box dye on with a nozzle bottle? That's easy to do yourself, what did you need her to do?

LtJudyHopps · 24/12/2020 15:56

You haven’t answered the question. Did you say to her “DD I want to do my hair today can you help me do the back please?”
Or did you say “I’m doing my hair in 20 minutes”
My dad constantly just expects us all to do things without asking. If you ask me I’ll help you willingly but it drives me barmy when it’s just expected without discussion/asking.

Kittykat93 · 24/12/2020 15:57

Why is she hissing and screaming?? I tell my three year old off for screaming.. I certainly would not accept it from a 19 year old.

Scarlettpixie · 24/12/2020 15:59

Why do you need someone else to help dye your hair?

I think calling he a bullying cow is a bit much.

I don’t blame you for being upset at the hissing and screaming but it might have been a good idea to get her to agree to help before you started rather than expecting he to drop ever once you decided you were ready.

Even if she likes to cook she is still doing a nice thing by making dinner. You seem a bit dismissive of that.

smiley2000 · 24/12/2020 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping · 24/12/2020 16:11

If the OP has a trainee hairdresser at home, why WOULDN"T she expect some help!

Even if she likes to cook she is still doing a nice thing by making dinner.

No she is not. That's just normal chores, why should her mother be expected to do it all? Any member of the family (of a reasonable age) should be equally responsible for the basic chores in turn or equally. It's not "nice" for a 19 year to cook any more than it is "nice" for a husband to push the hoover around.

Sparklfairy · 24/12/2020 16:17

Hissing and screaming at 19? Bet she wouldn't do that at work.

You're pussy footing round a controlling dickhead. If it was a DH hissing and screaming at you (even at 19), there'd be cries of LTB.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 24/12/2020 16:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Terracottasaur · 24/12/2020 16:34

It’s not ‘weird and intimate’ to chuck some hair dye on the back of someone’s head dear god, this place sometimes...

BringPizza · 24/12/2020 16:35

I'm not sure here. The vagueness and drip feeding make think you're a bit passive aggressive and revel in the victim doormat routine. She sounds like your common or garden teenager. You remind me of my own bloody mother, so I'm inclined to side with the daughter, but that's based on a few posts so I may be off the mark.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 24/12/2020 16:36

YABU - is your forward planning and communication with each other always like this?
BTW I would love my DD to do the Xmas lunch prep 😉

WhatTiggersDoBest · 24/12/2020 16:42

Honestly you sound like one of those people who goes "I do everything for her" while actually expecting her to do everything for you. She probably hissed at you and screamed because she was waiting for you to ask for help then the MINUTE she got on with making your Christmas dinner for you, you expect her to drop everything. If she was a mum posting on here and you were a teenager demanding their mum stopped making their Christmas dinner to dye the back of their hair, the replies would be very, very different.
Are you always this self-centered?

heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping · 24/12/2020 16:48

@Terracottasaur

It’s not ‘weird and intimate’ to chuck some hair dye on the back of someone’s head

dear god, this place sometimes...

in a hairdressing salon, no.

In a corporate office because you boss is making you? A little bit

heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping · 24/12/2020 16:48

@WhatTiggersDoBest

We found the daughter

BringPizza · 24/12/2020 16:53

Could you not have said 'are you ok to help please if I go up and start my hair now?'

Itsallpointless · 24/12/2020 16:53

Once again some of the responses here are very harsh, and completely uncalled for, I think people just want to be spiteful.

OP, unfortunately unconditional love is only one way, parent to child, not the other way round. She's 19, and you've indulged her because of your situation. If it's any consolation, my friends daughter is also a trainee hairdresser, and she wouldn't colour or cut her mother's hair either, and my friend does everything for her also.

I think the horse has already bolted, so maybe a quiet chat at an appropriate time to tell her how you feel. She's making dinner, which my friends daughter would NEVER do (in fact she does NOTHING) so that's a plus.

She needs to grow up, so going forward I would leave her to grow up, and stop 'doing' for her.

I have an immature 22 year old DS (also a single parent) he's a bloody lazy oik, and he probably wouldn't do my hair either

Try to keep things light over the festive period OP

Brefugee · 24/12/2020 17:00

I think it's different living with adult DCs - you kind of have to rethink or renegotiate the terms. you can't just "do as i say" kind of thing any more.

TBH i find it easier with mine to be very clear about what i want from them in terms of help, support and timings. And if they agree, it's fine, if not - we have to find another way.

heseesyouwhenyouaresleeping · 24/12/2020 17:05

I think it's different living with adult DCs - you kind of have to rethink or renegotiate the terms. you can't just "do as i say" kind of thing any more.

of course you can

they are free to live the luxury of your home if it's not suitable.

If you take a lodger, you impose rules, because it's your home. (if the rules are over the top, they'll leave). Nothing wrong in expecting your child to have basic manners and respect, at any age.

Tempusfudgeit · 24/12/2020 17:06

I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that for my mother. Even now, I hate putting on the anti inflammatory cream she needs on the bit of her back that she can't reach (and yes, I feel like a bitch) It's almost a revulsion feeling. OP, you need to stop 'doing everything for her' as a start, and give her some autonomy, rather than expecting the same back.

xmasfairybuns · 24/12/2020 17:07

@YanTanTethera01

I told her yesterday, and earlier today that I was going to do it. She could hear me upstairs in the bathroom. That's the difference between me and her, I'd drop everything to do something for her.

Just because she can hear you in the bathroom doesn't mean that she knows you are doing your hair unless she is psychic.

You can do the back yourself surely? I've always done mine myself and it's waist length. I think YABU, she's preparing stuff for lunch tomorrow not sitting doing nothing.

Whyistheteacold · 24/12/2020 17:15

I agree with PP that it's weird and too intimate to be doing the hair. I'm not saying it makes sense, but my mum always used to ask me to straighten her hair, do her nails, give her a back scratch and I HATED it, it really gave me the ick. I have no idea why 😂 op I think you should have asked her if she was happy to do it and communicated better, it's unreasonable to expect her to drop what she is doing. I understand aving a stroppy teen can be a nightmare, but I think that's awful to call your own daughter a bullying cow.

FuckOffDailyFailure · 24/12/2020 17:15

Once again some of the responses here are very harsh, and completely uncalled for, I think people just want to be spiteful.

Yes, I agree. It gets like this round Christmas, I've noticed. Some angry Mumsnetters around, venting their rage at random strangers. All a bit weird really, but I expect they have some problems.

Don't take any notice of them op .

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread