To ask for your culinary disasters to make me feel better?

[polkadotpjs]

Ive just poured Yorkshire puddings batter onto my trifle sponge and fruit instead of the whites chocolate custard. FFS

@Gonkytonk

I once made a banoffee pie and forgot to put the bananas in it 🤦🏻‍♀️

In fairness that probably improved it.

I moved to a house with a 30 year old oil fired Rayburn, it took me a while to get used to the different way of cooking. We had a party and I cooked food, that was all fine.
The next day our dogs were very attentive to the bottom oven, I opened the door and found a roasting tray with the blackened and charred chicken drumsticks. I had completely forgotten about them.

@stayathomegardener

Global warming disaster.

That will teach ya for getting political with your Christmas cake!!

I think mine will occur tomorrow. We are vegetarians so I bought a nice looking Vegan roast for Christmas Day. it is a Plant Chef Meat Free Roasting Crown. We bought it a few weeks ago and as the best before date was 14th December stuck it in the freezer. I decided to check if it is ok to cook from frozen so looked an hour ago 7:00 pm on Christmas Eve). It clearly says "not suitable for home freezing". It is thawing out in the fridge and who know how disastrous it will be tomorrow. We will have home grown potatoes (if we dig them up) and loads of other veg so will not starve and most importantly we have loads of wine..

Grated off the side of my little finger on a mandolin board while making gratin and bled all over the potatoes- no more potatoes and couldn’t possibly have used the potatoes even if thoroughly washed as the thought was too grim... after fishing the shredded bit of skin out from amidst it all...

Making soup the night before a very important interview. Slicing the cabbage for the minestrone I cut the end off my finger. Could even see the vein? that was pumping out blood. Retrieved end of finger, rescued soup, furiously bandaged and aced the interview!
Diagonal ended finger for some years afterwards tho....

Making dilly bread - mixed everything let it rise - into loaf tin into oven then around 10 mins later saw the melted butter sitting on the hob. Decided to stir it into pan - poor dough - what a shock for it. It didn’t mix. Loaf was edible but had an odd crispy buttery crust everywhere.

I decided that this year I would push the boat out and have a lovely dessert for Xmas eve. I spent ages looking at recipes and chose a chocolate, Baileys, tiramisu trifle type thing. The ingredients cost a fortune but it looked delicious.
When i came to make it this morning my son told me to put my feet up as he'd make it. Lovely.
We have just finished tea. The Baileys custard bit of the trifle was grey and watery; the cream split with " buttery and gloopy bits". The whole thing had coffee grains throughout. It was vile, but it gave us all a good laugh. Sadly we have half a bowl left.

After a tip in here about cooking and shredding chicken, then freezing for quick meals. I cooked a load of chicken breast. Sorted it into portions for the freezer. Then promptly threw them in the bin.. sadly didn't realise until the next day

Made my visiting dd a quick Xmas dinner. Very nice. Couldn't work out why I was still hungry after. Strange. Later on I found the roasted in goose fat potatoes looking all sad, in the oven.

Heron
What is dilly bread?
I'm not sure if it's something I've never heard of or a typo!
Either way, I'm interested.

I made DH a chilli but I confused teaspoon and tablespoon when I was adding the cayenne pepper. Bless him he tried to eat it but it he had to admit defeat with tears running down his face.

You want like a list?!

Over the years:

Cremated mince pies

Home made soup with too much Pearl barley that could have been used to cement bricks!

Custard that was basically yellow water and refused to thicken

Cooked a beautiful stuffed chicken breast wrapped in bacon for dd one year (I'm veggie) then dropped it on the floor! AND burnt myself quite badly in the process that's what made me jump and drop it! NEVER use tea towels as oven gloves on Xmas day now!

@Baublebox I think my ex and your dh are friends?

@Ohtherewearethen I genuinely went  reading yours bless you

But by far the worst was the time I was frying something, had put too much oil in frying pan and flipped it over and the hot fat splashed out of the pan onto my hand, arm, foot and leg. Soooooo painful! Hours in a&e and painful hobbling about for WEEKS after.

@maddening thanks for posting that some crackers on there and I needed a laugh today

@Rose789 oh bless you! Hope you're ok and not in too much pain.

@Ohtherewearethen dunno where the emoji went but here it is

I am about to have a disaster as realised I have no gravy granules, stock/stock cubes and only self-raising flour - does anyone know any miracle recipes?! (Both DH and I have had a couple of glasses of wine, so nipping to the shop not an option!)

The boxing day coffee mousse debacle. I have 12 people coming. Supposed to be a simple dessert. I think it was cream, coffee, alcohol and maybe egg whites. Beat it all together and voila mousse . It would not whip. Despatched DP to co op to get apple pies
We drank the not mousse.
The following year (fuck knows why!) I did it again. This time though I made a practice one and bought an electric whisk. The practice one was perfect. On the day, of course, mousse drink and apple pie.

Lived in a pub with my parents, and I was upstairs cooking a curry.

Got a message my friends were downstairs, so I popped it on simmer and went downstairs to say hello.

Lost track of time...fire alarm went off

No damage done apart from curry that had black bits in it. Tried to insist to my then dp (now dh) that it was fine. He gave me this look and pointed out the burnt black bits....

We ended up having takeaway that night instead

I tried to make Chinese-style lemon chicken once. The sauce, which is essentially cornflour and lemon juice, turned out like lemon flavoured vaseline. Lovely.

@ATowelAndAPotato make something up. Half an onion and some roasted veg, meat juices from the tin, season, add a little water and cranberry sauce. May as well give it a go. Or ask a neighbour?

I made cranberry sauce yesterday but l made it up..added more sugar, went like tar. Tried again today, a little runny but seems ok.

I have burnt pasta to the bottom of the pan. One year l had the turkey in the sink as l left it too late to take it out the freezer. Charcoal pigs in blankets. Stir fry on the floor. You laugh about it one day!

@ATowelAndAPotato

I am about to have a disaster as realised I have no gravy granules, stock/stock cubes and only self-raising flour - does anyone know any miracle recipes?! (Both DH and I have had a couple of glasses of wine, so nipping to the shop not an option!)

If you're near north east Fife we have plain flour and gravy granules aplenty.

Made creme brûlée in my fairly ancient cast iron pan. Looked lovely. Unfortunately dh had made garlic mushrooms in it the day before and the garlic had soaked into the metal. My friend took a mouthful and was trying hard to be polite.

@randomchap

I once made a lovely French Onion soup, and then picked up a colander, wandered over to the sink and poured it away leaving me with just the onions. To this day I have no idea why I did it.

My wife stood there, open mouthed while I did it, and then had to sit down as she was laughing so hard.

We enjoyed the winey/beefy onions with our croutons.

😂 I am so very sorry for your lovely soup, but that made me cry laughing.

The first time I ever made muffins they came out beautifully. Honestly the most gorgeous blueberry muffins I’ve ever seen. Then I bit into one.

I’d misread 1/2 teaspoon of salt as 1-2 teaspoons thanks to the font and used 1 and a half.

@ATowelAndAPotato

I am about to have a disaster as realised I have no gravy granules, stock/stock cubes and only self-raising flour - does anyone know any miracle recipes?! (Both DH and I have had a couple of glasses of wine, so nipping to the shop not an option!)

Meat juices, marmite for colour, self raising flour will still thicken it. Maybe fry some onions for ages and use those in the meat juices as a base. Or appeal to neighbours!

My parents have had to carefully re-label various jars of fine white powder after managing to coat the liver for a liver & bacon casserole with icing sugar instead of cornflour. Custard powder is the other one that’s been used by mistake... 🤦‍♀️