To be considering not having a birth partner?

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Ex Partner ruined my first trimester. Didnt lift a finger all he wanted to do was drink, smoke & look after himself. I won't go into details but he made things very very stressful for me. We are on better terms now but communication is probably a few texts every few weeks and he picks and chooses whether to bother to reply or not. He seems to want to be a Dad only on his terms.

He wants to be at the birth and part of me thinks i should allow this. But the other half of me thinks why should he get to be at the birth when he has not been there for one second of my pregnancy? (Im nearly 30 weeks for context). Literally partway through typing this i had to stop to go and be violently sick. He hasnt been there for me for all the months of that.

A major concern for me is that the mere thought of him stresses me out, and the last thing you need in labour is something that causes you stress and anxiety. I cant see him being a reassuring presence in any way whatsoever. Everyone has told me that if at any point i dont want him there the staff can make him leave, but is it worth risking it getting to that point?

Much as I love my Mum, we don't have that type of relationship plus she will be helping out after ive given birth so id rather she had a chance to rest than be stuck in a hospital with me.

I certainly cant hire a doula and i love my friends but i dont think id want them there either. Im not bothered about them seeing me naked that isnt an issue.

I genuinely just feel like I'd rather just go it alone. Whenever I have felt stressed or vulnerable in the past or been through a traumatic experience i have retreated into myself and found internal strength rather than needing it from other people. I cant bear the thought of someone rubbing my back or cheerleading.

Similar threads in the past have mentioned a birth partner is an advocate for you. How necessary is that? Ive heard people say "What if they have to choose which life to save?" Which is absolute nonsense, that doesnt happen in real life.

Literally i feel like the only practical reasons for having someone there is to carry my stuff & to pass me things & i just dont feel they are strong enough reasons.

I know there's a lot of sitting around in the early stages of labour & ive read threads from women who felt lonely on their own. I know i wouldnt, i feel if i had someone there you feel obliged to make conversation whereas on my own i can retreat into music and focus on calming myself.

The midwifery team at the hospital seem amazing, i feel id manage quite fine with just them, i wont expect them to hover over me & be at my beck & call, im quite happy to be left alone until things really get going.

I just cant make up my mind at all about what to do.

Can i have some constructive input please?

YABU - You would be crazy to go it alone, you need someone there!
YANBU - Go for it!

Well, your ex sounds worse than useless, and you sound like you’re used to managing things yourself so I reckon you’ll be fine. And you’ll have midwives there! Do you have a plan for getting to hospital?

It’s completely down to your own preference, there’s no right or wrong answer.
What I will say though, the way you feel now may be totally different in labour. So maybe have someone you trust on ‘standby’ so if you do get to hospital and decide ‘actually I need someone here’ then you already have someone aware you can call to come and be with you.

I gave birth alone, not on purpose, but it was really fine. The midwives were lovely and supportive and I don't feel I missed anything.
Definitely don't have your ex there. He has no rights in this situation.

No to the ex. Maybe to having a friend on standby. Yes to trusting your instincts on going it alone.good luck!

(I think a friend on standby would be useful if eg the watch seemed massively understaffed and there seemed to be a risk of you being neglected.)

Go for it.. the midwifes will be lovely and you can just do it your own way.

My exh was at my birth. ( he wasn't ex at time ) i woukd definitely had an easier time.

Assuming you aren't married he isn't your next of kin your mum or dad would be.

Write a birth plan but be prepared for change.

Birth is about you and the baby and their safe arrival.

He has no right to be there at all.

You can tell him you will contact him when baby is born. You arr at your most vunerable.

Definitely do not have your ex there.

I did it alone and it was fine (a previous ELCS meant when my water broke I was admitted and DH couldnt stay late.)

In terms of advocating being by myself I found it easier - DS was a precipitous labour so it was a constant contraction so it didnt appear on the machine they were measuring so they didnt believe I was in labour.

I ended up (whilst having a constant very painful contraction) shouting at the midwives that if they didnt take me to the delivery room to check I would stand there shouting until I woke up all the floor (the antenatal ward I was on was the same floor as postnatal). DS was born 35 minutes later (and thank god we were in the delivery suite) as DH arrived!

It was the most empowering thing I have ever done because I did it by myself (and without pain relief) I didnt have anyone else telling me how I should handle it (and I think they would have talked me out of my outburst) and I was totally running on instinct and making sure DS was ok (it hasnt been the last time I have had to push for that) and I didnt need anyone there. It created a pretty amazing bond with DS that 8 years later still exists

whatever you do, don't have him there. To labour well you need to feel safe and as relaxed as you can in the circumstances. Having an annoying unsupportive ex there would be totally counterproductive to labour.

I gave birth alone and it was the best experience! A million times better then my first with a BP. I honestly can’t recommend it enough, the midwives were amazing and kind but I ended up needing a section and the theatre staff again were wonderful. I look back on the whole experience with great joy. And the first few hours of just me and baby in our own quiet space, well as I say, I loved it. If I were to have another I’d do it alone again, so much less stressful, even when it got a bit stressful.

VERY DEFINITELY do not have your ex there AT ALL. You are 100% right that anybody who makes you feel more stressed has no business in a birthing room.

I love my DH and he's helpful and supportive but frankly he annoyed me during the birth of my first. Not because he was doing anything wrong, but because actually it turned out what I needed was just to go into myself and trust my body and I felt like I had to give him something to do. I could have easily done it alone and had no fear of doing so the second time if for some reason we couldn't get DS1 looked after. So I say go for it. I expected to want DH all cuddling and supporting me but I didn't want that at all. The second birth was fine because I just got the fuck on with it and left him to his own devices.

No to the ex. Your birth is about YOU first and foremost - women forget this. We've been socialised to believe we are vessels there to participate in a spectator sport. It's so unbelievably important to have a calming birth experience where you're not getting mad at someone or hearing complaining or having to put up with someone being useless. Do what is right for you. Dads don't have a god given right to be there. Birth partners are essentially glorified visitors. A baby doesn't directly benefit from a birth partner being there it only wants its mother. Put yourself first

Don't have him there. You won't be able to relax if he's around, and this can have consequences for the progression of labour. I gave birth alone and it was absolutely fine - in fact it was nice. I felt a lot of womanly care and compassion from the midwives because they weren't afraid of treading on a partner's toes.

Hi. Always hard to predict how you will feel in advance but I gave birth to DC3 on my own and it was fine! Midwives were absolutely fantastic and perhaps more attentive as I was on my own. Very positive experience and I feel uniquely bonded with my son. We did it together and those first precious minutes were just ours. Good luck OP.

I’ve had three births, the solo one was the most peaceful and uncomplicated.

Whatever you decide, make sure it’s what you need.

Thank you all so much, it has been really affirming for me!
My Mum will most likely be taking me the hospital and presumably spend some time with me while i get settled, i guess it depends what time i go into labour.

I will have a basic written birth plan but of course you have to plan for your plan to go off plan! I cant see ex being any help in that area. We all want the magical intervention free birth but if the shit hits the fan, then thats what has to happen.

I feel like its been me & my lovely little baby on our journey together throughout all this and i cant wait to meet him & bond with him and not have ex hovering over upsetting me. Of course my family and friends have been absolutely amazing but ultimately this has been just me and my unborn baby.

It just feels like such a controversial viewpoint to go it alone i was prepared to be flamed. Of course i wont be alone il have the medical team there but you know what i mean

To labour well you need to feel safe and as relaxed as you can in the circumstances. Having an annoying unsupportive ex there would be totally counterproductive to labour.

This is exactly it. If the body shuts down and labour slows down it will obviously be a more painful experience & potentially riskier for baby. Relaxed Mum = safer journey for baby. Well hopefully anyway.

Just so you know, if it ever did come down to which life to save (which it wouldn’t!) they would save yours, every time.

But more to the point - Your ex sounds like a massive waste of space and you definitely shouldn’t have him there.

You sound very clear headed and sensible about it. I personally think it was very helpful having support, but that doesn’t mean you would need it. Do what is right for you. As you say, midwives are amazing and they will support you well!

We've been socialised to believe we are vessels there to participate in a spectator sport.

Exactly. What other medical procedure would people feel they had a pressing need to invite unwanted people? Obviously if we were living together etc then id want to include him but he isnt a part of my life.

He will have access to see his son, on the obvious condition he doesnt drink or smoke around him.

I felt just the same with DS, I said as soon as he was in the room I would put him first but up until then it was me giving birth and I didn’t want ex there. I really wanted to do it alone as I felt that was how it was anyway.

As it happens DP’s took me in for 2 weeks prior as I was incapacitated by piles of all things! DM did come with me to hospital (whilst faffing like the biggest faffer from Faff town on national Faff day) and that was nice, but I would have been perfectly happy to do it on my own and I think that’s a perfectly good option.

I allowed my ex to be at the birth and it's something I regret to be honest even though we get on fine.
Things weren't going well, I was scared and in pain and I felt really alone even though he was there.
What I really needed was someone who loved me not just the baby I was giving birth to but looking back I would of preferred to be alone than have him there. So do what's best for you not anyone else and good luck

I've had very similar thoughts to you, I'm currently 37 weeks with my second child to my now ex husband of 10 years. He feels it is his right to be there but I just can't trust him not to stress me out.i did consider it but he sees it very much as him being there to see her born rather than offering me any support. He wasn't much use in the first birth tbh, much too flappy and fussy, asking nonsensical questions. I've decided to take my mum this time but I honestly think I'd be fine on my own. Maybe have a backup plan just in case you change your mind at the last minute. Think also about how you will get there and home again. You can do this!

I had my babies without a birth partner. Dh stayed home with the dc. He is queasy and I don't want anybody flapping so it suited us both. Each birth was lovely the midwives were great and dh arrived and held baby whilst I had a bath. You will be fine too OP.

Not intentional but I gave birth in hospital without DH. Then I hemorrhaged.
While the Drs and Nurses were flat out working on me, my baby was left crying in his little crib. DH arrived just as they were taking me to theater. Once they wheeled me out the door the MW then turned her attention to the baby. If I hadn't hemorrhaged it would have been fine and I'm sure he would have been looked after but if someone else was there he'd have at least had a cuddle.

Your Ex sounds useless so I would ask him but I'd ask a friend or your mum. Just to have someone with you able to pass you a drink or hug your baby when you have a shower.