To be considering not having a birth partner?

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Ex Partner ruined my first trimester. Didnt lift a finger all he wanted to do was drink, smoke & look after himself. I won't go into details but he made things very very stressful for me. We are on better terms now but communication is probably a few texts every few weeks and he picks and chooses whether to bother to reply or not. He seems to want to be a Dad only on his terms.

He wants to be at the birth and part of me thinks i should allow this. But the other half of me thinks why should he get to be at the birth when he has not been there for one second of my pregnancy? (Im nearly 30 weeks for context). Literally partway through typing this i had to stop to go and be violently sick. He hasnt been there for me for all the months of that.

A major concern for me is that the mere thought of him stresses me out, and the last thing you need in labour is something that causes you stress and anxiety. I cant see him being a reassuring presence in any way whatsoever. Everyone has told me that if at any point i dont want him there the staff can make him leave, but is it worth risking it getting to that point?

Much as I love my Mum, we don't have that type of relationship plus she will be helping out after ive given birth so id rather she had a chance to rest than be stuck in a hospital with me.

I certainly cant hire a doula and i love my friends but i dont think id want them there either. Im not bothered about them seeing me naked that isnt an issue.

I genuinely just feel like I'd rather just go it alone. Whenever I have felt stressed or vulnerable in the past or been through a traumatic experience i have retreated into myself and found internal strength rather than needing it from other people. I cant bear the thought of someone rubbing my back or cheerleading.

Similar threads in the past have mentioned a birth partner is an advocate for you. How necessary is that? Ive heard people say "What if they have to choose which life to save?" Which is absolute nonsense, that doesnt happen in real life.

Literally i feel like the only practical reasons for having someone there is to carry my stuff & to pass me things & i just dont feel they are strong enough reasons.

I know there's a lot of sitting around in the early stages of labour & ive read threads from women who felt lonely on their own. I know i wouldnt, i feel if i had someone there you feel obliged to make conversation whereas on my own i can retreat into music and focus on calming myself.

The midwifery team at the hospital seem amazing, i feel id manage quite fine with just them, i wont expect them to hover over me & be at my beck & call, im quite happy to be left alone until things really get going.

I just cant make up my mind at all about what to do.

Can i have some constructive input please?

YABU - You would be crazy to go it alone, you need someone there!
YANBU - Go for it!

I have also given birth alone - well, just me and one midwife. It was the best experience of my 3 births by far even though I had to go to theatre for removal of a retained placenta afterwards. I had no difficulty making my own decisions and really enjoyed not having to think about anybody else. My husband was far more use (and happier to be honest) at home looking after our other children and I was absolutely fine on my own.
I got a hard time from a lot of people when they heard that I was planning not to have a birth partner, which I thought was ridiculous. It is nobody else's business - do whatever you think is best.

Why can’t you hire a doula? Just curious from your OP.

Absolutely better to give birth alone than have someone there making you more stressed and anxious. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it without DH but that’s because I knew he would be what I needed.

It hasnt affected DH bond with DS either I have to say not being at the birth and they have a very good father/son relationship

I was pretty much oblivious to my partner and he's great. I'd definitely be happy to give birth alone.

You can tell him you will contact him when baby is born. You are at your most vunerable.

This is what worried me. He has acted like he has had ownership of my pregnancy but without providing any support whatsoever.

When i sent my first scan pics out via whatsapp to everyone, and being nice including his family, he sent me a long nasty message saying "Id like to thank you for sending MY family the scan pics. I would have liked to have had the chance to see MY mums face and you ruined that for me". I was gobsmacked. Id genuinely thought id been being nice including them and he had a go at me.

He then put my scan picture up on Facebook which i didnt have a clue about until some days later when my relative looked him up. When we pointed out that all my personal information was on a publicly shared post (i would NEVER dream of putting my full name & d.o.b on social media) his response was "Whatever".

So if he does stupid things like that what could he do at my labour?! Urgh god no he's not coming that's that thank you all for helping me i think i knew the answer deep down ive just been in turmoil over it.

Why can’t you hire a doula? Just curious from your OP.

Just finances really. Im on a very low income now ive had to reduce my hours and he clearly doesn't want to pay for things. He doesnt even want to pay for anh private scans.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach

Why can’t you hire a doula? Just curious from your OP.

Just finances really. Im on a very low income now ive had to reduce my hours and he clearly doesn't want to pay for things. He doesnt even want to pay for anh private scans.

Ah sorry I thought I’d missed something - many doulas will offer support at a reduced rate if cost prohibits you hiring them. You may not need or want them and that’s totally fine, I just wanted to share the information.

doula.org.uk/help-with-hiring-a-doula/

Definitely don’t have your ExDP, he has no right to be there and sounds awful. I worry he’ll let down your baby in years to come but I hope not.

I don’t think I’d have your Mum there in the circumstances you describe, but I’m not sure I’d do it alone. Are there friends or other relatives you could ask?

The midwives are likely to be excellent and not leave you, but it can be helpful having someone to advocate for you in the delivery room. I’d have a think about who else you could ask, but don’t worry if you end up going it alone- you’ll be in very good hands.

I did 99% of labour own my own with my lovely midwife. I got a good chance to talk about life etc and we got on great. She said it was nice not to always have a birth partner there as they can sometimes get in the way. When it was decided I needed a caesarean I texted my EX and he came for that. Luckily he had been waiting nearby as I only had about 10mins notice. I felt that was good for me. Earlier I had asked my mum to sit with me but she kept talking and it was stressful so I asked her to leave, Lol.

I did it alone by choice. Worked really well, apart from fact midwives disappeared for vast tracts of time and I couldn’t summon them. Would have been handy to have someone to ferret them out.

@Quartz2208

That is amazing, as in the empowering bit!

@OrangeSlices998

Thanks i will look into that

I imagine apart from the medical team they would be the best people to have on hand for the impartial emotional & practical support.

As prev posters have said if the midwives vanish it is helpful to have someone to fetch them.

I was induced alone in April, I actually didn't mind it as the midwifes were amazing and became my birthing partners! DH joined me when I was in active labour and it worked out fine. It sounds like you'd be more comfortable doing it alone go for it.

Oh god no. Don’t even give him an inkling of what’s going on when you go into labour.

You need oxytocin and plenty of it running through you in labour, arseholes tend to inhibit it!

I had DD 7 weeks ago and had prepared myself to birth alone if DP developed covid symptoms, and while he didn’t and was in attendance, I would have been totally fine if he couldn’t have been there. I wanted the lovely breathe the baby out labour lots of us would like, but ended up having a crash section, sepsis and a haemorrhage on the table, but I felt, and still do, like a fucking warrior, albeit a slightly battered and bruised one.
During labour I didn’t want DP to talk to me, to touch me, he essentially just sat and watched me go through it, I needed silence and darkness. And the midwife.

You can absolutely birth by yourself, I’d have a think about what you want and don’t want in labour, and what you want to happen if things deviate from plan, write them down and show it to your midwife and talk through it. My midwife really wanted to know what my wants and goals were and worked with me to support me.

And for the love of fuck don’t give the baby his surname.

I would say no to the ex. Giving birth can potentially be a long old haul and see you in a vulnerable state. Have someone you are close to and trust.
I was so exhausted during my first birth and falling asleep in between pushing at the end. Was also drugged up on gas and air, pethidine and epidural and was talking complete shite due to sleeping/dreaming and waking up to push.
If you want someone there have someone who cares for you. It's an amazing experience and one you'll remember forever. Do it on your terms.

@MonkeyPuddle

Hahahaha yes i certainly dont need the oxytocin inhibitor that is arsehole exes. Yeah ive got a rough idea of preferred pain relief etc & im sure none of us wakes up saying "Ooh id really love an episiotomy today!" But if stuff happens then its needed.

So il prob do a best case & worst case scenario birth plan - not war & peace just a few brief preferences. But ultimately, whatever is best for me and baby.

God no he is having my surname also. Ex isnt really getting any choice over the name really. Im not picking anything "out there" anyway.

@headlock

Thats what i mean, i want to be able to relax knowing that if i end up off my face on pain relief i can relax knowing im either going to be alone, dozing off, or under the care of medical professionals.

Not with him hovering in the corner bored & playing games on his phone & trying to sneak out for cigarettes.

I told my midwife today that I was worried in case partner had covid at time of birth and she said if that happened there are usually loads of student midwives who would kill for birth partner experience. Not sure that's right for me either but thought I'd mention in case it sounds right for you

I felt, and still do, like a fucking warrior,

Thats because you are one

@omg35

That's a great idea. Im certainly open to that idea. It's beneficial to them, which benefits future patients.

It's entirely your choice but definitely dont have him there. The birth is about you, your birth partner is there to support you, not because they want to see the baby born.

I didn't want a birth partner and I wouldn't again. It was much better alone awful to have someone flapping about or someone you don't trust.

your birth partner is there to support you, not because they want to see the baby born.

Well you've hit the nail on the head there in the most succinct way possible! I just cant envision him being a support to me. I mean, he could totally rise to the challenge & surprise me, but on balance i think the stress risks outweigh the potential of him stepping up to the plate.

Felt very strongly that I wanted my OH there for the birth of my first baby (many years ago) - I was in hospital and totally out of my comfort zone and I suppose I felt I wanted someone there to advocate for me.

However, both my daughters were born at home and honestly I wouldn't have noticed whether my OH was there or not! I wouldn't have deprived him of the opportunity but really I had such a great relationship with my midwife and my home births were really absorbing experiences in which the only people who figured were me, the midwife and the baby.

I used to feel very strongly that fathers should be at the birth of their children but I'm afraid I'm now much more in the 'women's work' camp

Don't even tell him when you're going into Labour. And don't put him on the birth certificate!