To be considering not having a birth partner?

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Ex Partner ruined my first trimester. Didnt lift a finger all he wanted to do was drink, smoke & look after himself. I won't go into details but he made things very very stressful for me. We are on better terms now but communication is probably a few texts every few weeks and he picks and chooses whether to bother to reply or not. He seems to want to be a Dad only on his terms.

He wants to be at the birth and part of me thinks i should allow this. But the other half of me thinks why should he get to be at the birth when he has not been there for one second of my pregnancy? (Im nearly 30 weeks for context). Literally partway through typing this i had to stop to go and be violently sick. He hasnt been there for me for all the months of that.

A major concern for me is that the mere thought of him stresses me out, and the last thing you need in labour is something that causes you stress and anxiety. I cant see him being a reassuring presence in any way whatsoever. Everyone has told me that if at any point i dont want him there the staff can make him leave, but is it worth risking it getting to that point?

Much as I love my Mum, we don't have that type of relationship plus she will be helping out after ive given birth so id rather she had a chance to rest than be stuck in a hospital with me.

I certainly cant hire a doula and i love my friends but i dont think id want them there either. Im not bothered about them seeing me naked that isnt an issue.

I genuinely just feel like I'd rather just go it alone. Whenever I have felt stressed or vulnerable in the past or been through a traumatic experience i have retreated into myself and found internal strength rather than needing it from other people. I cant bear the thought of someone rubbing my back or cheerleading.

Similar threads in the past have mentioned a birth partner is an advocate for you. How necessary is that? Ive heard people say "What if they have to choose which life to save?" Which is absolute nonsense, that doesnt happen in real life.

Literally i feel like the only practical reasons for having someone there is to carry my stuff & to pass me things & i just dont feel they are strong enough reasons.

I know there's a lot of sitting around in the early stages of labour & ive read threads from women who felt lonely on their own. I know i wouldnt, i feel if i had someone there you feel obliged to make conversation whereas on my own i can retreat into music and focus on calming myself.

The midwifery team at the hospital seem amazing, i feel id manage quite fine with just them, i wont expect them to hover over me & be at my beck & call, im quite happy to be left alone until things really get going.

I just cant make up my mind at all about what to do.

Can i have some constructive input please?

YABU - You would be crazy to go it alone, you need someone there!
YANBU - Go for it!

I carried on dreaming about this when i went to sleep and woke up with a good sense of certainty.

Im doing lots of research online. Mumsnet is of course amazing! And then YouTube & the NHS videos are great. Im doing the hypnobirthing stuff but kind of putting my own slant on it- im trying to like channel that same calm & focus that got me through a marathon & through a severe phobia of flying.

I also refuse to use the term "natural birth" - if you birthed a baby, thats natural! If you need medical intervention that doesnt make it any less "natural".

I think it will help me totally let go being just with the team, i can make what ever noises i need to make etc, be starkers on all fours, whatever gets baby out safely!

Im planning on taking loads of drinks and snacks in with me, like loads of medium size bottles of mineral water. Too small and its down in one gulp but the massive ones are too easy to spill all over you, not practical for grabbing one handed and gulping haha! Sour drinks i find good when i have a dry mouth.

Im literally going to take everything i could possibly need for up to 2 days, within realms of still being easy to carry, and have a back up spare bag at my Mums in case i need longer.

And @Lizadork im kind of worried about stuff like that! After stuff he's done in the past how do i know he wont livestream the whole thing on FB while am away with the fairies its enough to make your fanny close up and go nope!!!!

I have my next hospital appointment soon so i think il raise it with them and see if they want to buddy me up with a student

I get really angry on these threads when people insist the father of the baby has a 'right' to witness its birth. He does not, regardless of his relationship with the mother or anything else. It is perfectly possible to bond with a baby without watching it emerge and labour and birth are not spectator sports. Anyone giving birth should be able to choose who is there without any sort of pressure or guilt.

@FeedMeSantiago

Definitely. After the way he has been he's going to have to earn his place on the birth certificate with his actions. It isnt a God given right.

I went down a rabbit hole of stress research in the early weeks when we split up and noticed the website of the famous Fathers4 charity said they think ALL fathers should have rights equal to the Mother! It's absolutely bananas.

I had an induction during lockdown, so the first part of labour I was alone. It was fine and I didn't need anyone there. Dh would have just been a spare part.

When I got to active labour I did want dh there just to hold my hand and so I didn't feel alone. The pain can make you feel scared. But he didn't do anything other than that. In active labour you're pretty much in the zone and don't really know who's in the room.

If you feel you don't need someone to hold your hand - then you don't need someone.

I never had dh with me after labour and it was fine, even after I had surgery and epidurals with the first 2.

Some women make out its impossible to stay in hospital without a man at your bedside - but you really don't need anyone.

@unmarkedbythat

Exactly. I should have had a 'right' to be supported when we were together..instead of waiting up to pick him up from work in the small hours only for him to roll through the door blind drunk because he hadnt bothered going.

Getting dragged to the pub where he bought himself pint after pint and left me sat there like a lemon without asking if id like another soft drink.

Put paid to that sharpish and threw him out im not taking shit like that.

He made his bed he can lie in it.

My husband was at my births but he did nothing and I would have been fine without him. No chance would I have an ex there, fuck that.

@BounceyBumblebee

Im definitely one of those people that needs to be alone when in pain rather than needing other people. Be different if he was loving and caring and all that jazz but it is what it is

I’d love men to have equal rights in birth. They can push the baby out, have stitches and all the other painful stuff. I’ll sit on the side on my phone, snacking and then dress and cuddle my newborn!

I’m another who had nobody for my first. Dh was an 8 hour flight away (we were living abroad and I’d come home to my folks to have her since local hospitals were dire at the time.)

It wasn’t usual to have anybody with you then, and TBH I wouldn’t have wanted my mother anyway - she was a terrible worrier, so just as well she wasn’t there since it turned out to be a late epidural and forceps.
But I was absolutely fine. And dh showed up a few days later with a tan and a big bunch of flowers. 😀

Oh god no, do not have your ex there. If you wouldn’t want your mum/friend and feel fine without, you’ll be fine. I’m sure the midwifes will look after you. Maybe live birth it on Mumset for cheerleaders

When I was born in the 60s husbands weren't even allowed in the room! I bet there are many women who wish it'd stayed that way!

You can absolutely do it alone. The midwives are all you need. You ex can run and jump if he thinks he has the right to be there. Why - when you are at your most vulnerable - would you want him there?

Our circumstances are different, but I couldn't have done it without my DH. Both times he stood by my bed and held my hand for 12+ hours until each of our DC were born to help me through. I don't know how he did it.

He was there to advocate and tell the medical staff to listen to me on the (several) occasions where they just tried to march on with observations and vaginal examinations when I was in the midst of contractions. Fed me energy drink and was just there

@Beccasb Exactly! Honestly it makes me laugh the way they carry on! Women go through all the hard work then they parade round like 'look what i produced!'

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER & @JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn Yes it seems to be a modern thing this having the Father in the room & im all for it IF thats exactly what the Mother wants. Who knows maybe in decades to come that may swing out of fashion again? Im just trying to be pragmatic and think women have done it on their own since the dawn of time!

@igotosleep Great idea haha im well up for that if im up to it

@MrsRogerLima i just dont think he would stand up for me like that im glad your DH did though he sounds amazing!

Something to consider, you don't have to even tell when in labour or even when you have given birth. You have no legal duty to tell him a thing, unless you are ready and want to etc. Be mindful of who you tell when you do birth as news spreads fast.

Don't put on birth certificate.
Use your own surname (and choice of 1st name).

I loved my solo birth. Just me and the MW, it was very calm (no one to flap around) and we were both quietly focused on the job in hand.

@Lizadork yes im thinking it may be best if i do not tell him until im feeling a little better a few days later or whenever that is.

Should i tell him that i dont want him there now or just leave it? As it stands he thinks he is coming.

I dont know whether to say "my Mum will be my birth partner and you can only have one because covid" or just tell him the truth and say i just dont want you there?

Hmmmmm.....I'd say definitely no to the dad being there as he sounds like a total bellend. Not what you want when you're vulnerable.

But you ARE vulnerable when you're in labour, and I do think you need an advocate and a "gopher". Maybe years ago when labour wards were better staffed it would have been ok but when mine were born 15 years ago it was shocking the length of time I went without seeing a midwife, and I was glad to have DH there for practical reasons.

With DS2 the sum total of any medical attention I got was as follows:

Examined on arrival at hospital and then taken to the labour room where a midwife said the gas and air was empty and she would return with a new bottle. She didn't. I had no other pain relief apart from TENS at that time and was in full blown labour. DH had to go hunting her down>

on own until morning shift arrived and different midwife came to introduce herself then left

On own until i had been having the urge to push and dh had to ring the call button a few times to tell them this and to ask someone to come.

Midwife arrived, checked then rushed out again to go and get second person with resus/euipment trolley. When they arrived I was in full blown pushing mode already and within 10 mins later the baby was born and they worked on him for a bit in the corner as he wasn't breathing properly.

Baby was fine and they said I was eligible for a 6 hour discharge and left us alone soon after saying I might need stitches and they would send someone to check later. Noone came so DH chased it up.

I was wheeled into a suture room and put in stirrups ready for stitches. A student midwife was present as well as the midwife. Student midwife felt faint so she went out the room then came back saying a woman was giving birth alone in a room along the corridor with baby about to be born onto the bed, so my midwife who had about to be giving me stitches rushed out leaving me in stirrups, bleeding onto the bed and not able to reach the call button.

I could hear DS crying across the corridor and I was lying strapped in stirrups unable to do anything. Shocking really. Had I haemorrhaged noone would have had a clue. DH obviously not able to feed the baby and he'd been left to it by the midwives for nearly an hour to deal with a crying baby and not knowing if I was ok or where I was. One midwife finally popped into the room where they were, he said later, to investigate the crying and he explained and the same midwife then came to find where I was. She looked visibly shocked to find I'd just been abandoned like that and went to chase up the midwife who should have been stitching me up.

Finally got stitched and went back to feed DS across the way. Midwife was professional but it was clear they just did not have enough staff. Nowhere near.

I finally got discharged at around 5.30pm, about 4 hours late, and that was again after DH and I were trying to chase it up for someone to be free to sign everything off.

When I look back at this I'm horrified, but sadly from what I read on here, it's quite a common story. I think you will need someone there solely for practical support, and please don't underestimate the importance of this these days. It's not just simplyy for things like passing you a drink or getting you a wet flannel. It's for much more important stuff to do with safety and welfare.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Thank you. Ive really taken all that on board. My own Mum had a similar experience giving birth to me, the midwives thought she was nowhere near ready so vanished and my Dad had to go and hunt them down.
The hospital Im giving birth at does have a good reputation, but i appreciate that stuff like this could unfortunately happen anywhere.

Well they told me it was just an exceptionally busy day even for them. And with COVID,, staffing could be even worse.

What's missing on our labour wards is a nice comfy waiting room for labour partners to sit in, close to the labour rooms, with a drinks machine etc, toilet, wifi. So that if they are around nearby if you need to call them on your phone for support, or they can knock on your door every hour or so to check if you need anything.

Mine's a big teaching hospital and the cafe wasn't 24 hours. There was nowhere for birthing partners to actually go after hours if you wanted them out of the room for a bit. And it was winter so the atrium style of the hospital meant it was cold to hang around int he main entrance for any length of time.

There is a LOT of very basic things that could be done to vastly improve the whole labour experience. A list of FAQs available in the labour room would be a start, like you would have in a hotel room. i just didn't know the different systems or faciltiies or routines and no-one bothered explaining and they didn't have time to tell me either. Things like how to make sure you get a meal when you're out the room when they come to take your order. If you're bottle feeding how the hell do you clean and sterilise your equipment, and where can you keep the milk if it needs refrigerating etc.

I wouldn't tell him he is not coming. I just would go a head with my own plans and stay silent on that particular topic. Ensure midwives/hospital know when you get there not to let him in.

Yeah I wouldn’t tell him.
I’d just go in when labour starts, make sure the midwives are aware he is not allowed in and crack on with the job in hand.