To be considering not having a birth partner?

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Ex Partner ruined my first trimester. Didnt lift a finger all he wanted to do was drink, smoke & look after himself. I won't go into details but he made things very very stressful for me. We are on better terms now but communication is probably a few texts every few weeks and he picks and chooses whether to bother to reply or not. He seems to want to be a Dad only on his terms.

He wants to be at the birth and part of me thinks i should allow this. But the other half of me thinks why should he get to be at the birth when he has not been there for one second of my pregnancy? (Im nearly 30 weeks for context). Literally partway through typing this i had to stop to go and be violently sick. He hasnt been there for me for all the months of that.

A major concern for me is that the mere thought of him stresses me out, and the last thing you need in labour is something that causes you stress and anxiety. I cant see him being a reassuring presence in any way whatsoever. Everyone has told me that if at any point i dont want him there the staff can make him leave, but is it worth risking it getting to that point?

Much as I love my Mum, we don't have that type of relationship plus she will be helping out after ive given birth so id rather she had a chance to rest than be stuck in a hospital with me.

I certainly cant hire a doula and i love my friends but i dont think id want them there either. Im not bothered about them seeing me naked that isnt an issue.

I genuinely just feel like I'd rather just go it alone. Whenever I have felt stressed or vulnerable in the past or been through a traumatic experience i have retreated into myself and found internal strength rather than needing it from other people. I cant bear the thought of someone rubbing my back or cheerleading.

Similar threads in the past have mentioned a birth partner is an advocate for you. How necessary is that? Ive heard people say "What if they have to choose which life to save?" Which is absolute nonsense, that doesnt happen in real life.

Literally i feel like the only practical reasons for having someone there is to carry my stuff & to pass me things & i just dont feel they are strong enough reasons.

I know there's a lot of sitting around in the early stages of labour & ive read threads from women who felt lonely on their own. I know i wouldnt, i feel if i had someone there you feel obliged to make conversation whereas on my own i can retreat into music and focus on calming myself.

The midwifery team at the hospital seem amazing, i feel id manage quite fine with just them, i wont expect them to hover over me & be at my beck & call, im quite happy to be left alone until things really get going.

I just cant make up my mind at all about what to do.

Can i have some constructive input please?

YABU - You would be crazy to go it alone, you need someone there!
YANBU - Go for it!

@madcatladyforever

Exactly i dont trust him one bit. And people flapping about would drive me crazy. The medical team, whilst not always perfect, are used to women giving birth.

@Clymene

That's another issue ive been considering and i think im not going to put him on birth cert. I wont stop him seeing the baby. But baby's wellbeing comes first so that means no unsupervised visits until i trust him.

He sounds worse than useless. I wouldn't even tell him when you go into labour, then he can't turn up and weasel his way in.

The only use my ex had being there was that he could bring me drinks and I could shout at him. He just stressed me out tbf.

@99victoria

Yes im starting to feel more that way too. Its took me a long time to feel relaxed in hospital settings as i had a few bad experiences when i was younger, but now im at a level where i feel calm about it and just want to keep it to only the necessary people there.

Too many cooks and all that.. i saw one birth video where as well as 2 or 3 medics there was her partner and Mum hovering round too, just feels like they would be getting in the way of the midwife doing their job and as most people say your oblivious to them anyway

The only use my ex had being there was that he could bring me drinks and I could shout at him. He just stressed me out tbf.

That was kind of like part of my reasoning for maybe having him there. Do you feel it would have gone better if he hadnt been there or impossible to guess that in hindsight?

I had my partner at the birth of our children but I wanted him there. However, if he hadn't been a suitable birthing partner then I'd happily have done it myself.

Sent my husband home for ds1 birth as he was just grumpy (in hindsight poss terrified of fatherhood - he was there for other 2.) Absolutely fine on my own with lovely midwives... go for it!

I’m a midwife. More women give birth without a birth partner than you’d imagine.

If women are on their own, we are definitely present with them in the room a lot more. All women should receive 1:1 care in labour anyway so should be with you (that’s a national standard so shouldn’t change no matter where you are). And like a previous poster has said there’s often students too who can keep you company if you feel like it.

I strongly believe that it is better to be alone, and supported by your midwife, than to battle through a stressful experience with an idiot ex

I had my DS alone, as we had no one to look after DD!

And it was great. Very different to first birth, in that I gave birth 15mins after arriving at hospital, but the experience of just me and the midwife felt so... powerful! I was 100% focused on myself, I wasn't distracted by DH trying to be helpful or hovering around in the wrong place. It was very focussed, felt calmer, and I felt really supported, it felt like such a strong female experience. I've always said if I had to do it again, l would choose to go it alone.

Good luck!

@IDontDrinkTea

Thank you. That was so nice to hear from a midwives perspective & it being such a positive response. It actually gave me a literal physical feeling of strength inside like "I can do this!"

Thanks to each and every person who has posted on this im going back and reading through it all, i really appreciate everyone's advice & im so empowered by everyones stories!!!

Go for it. I gave birth to my son in may, my lovely husband was wonderful, but in reality all he could do for me was nip to the vending machine to get me Lilt and tell me I wasn't mooing too loudly 🤣. He's even said after that he felt pretty useless. You go into yourself during labour (from my limited experience) and don't really need anyone else apart from midwives.

Come to think of it I’m not sure what DP was even doing while I was in labour, he could have left the room for all I know.

I don’t know if you’re on Facebook but there are positive birth story groups and I found reading those and doing a bit of hypnobirthing practice got me in a really positive mindset about labour and birth.

You seem to be approaching things in a really positive and pragmatic way and I’m sure it will see you well. Empower yourself through your choices, protect yourself and your birth.

[quote Wavescrashingonthebeach]@Clymene

That's another issue ive been considering and i think im not going to put him on birth cert. I wont stop him seeing the baby. But baby's wellbeing comes first so that means no unsupervised visits until i trust him.[/quote]
Sensible. Stories of arsehole exes who hold influence over the mother of their child would turn your stomach

The ex is clearly not an option.

But do explore just in case options like trainee doulas and so on. Better to have and not need than need and not have.

Interestingly DH was great but in the end I needed lots of intervention and the MW asked me when he was getting a cuppa because she said, "you're being strong for him, I think you want an epidural" Readers, I wanted an epidural.

YANBU. It was what I wanted when I had ds.

I had ds1 by myself. It was just me a midwife and a training midwife. Best experience
Just make sure you have written on your notes of how you want things to progress. Drugs, c section, straight to breast after, or bottle ( remember a feed baby is important and not how), keeping placenta , who and who not to allow in delivery room.
Not all first births are slow.
Most of all it’s your birth, do it how you want it. Good luck

If I were you I would read,read and read all you can about stuff involving birth. (I found useful to follow super long birth plans on the internet, they'll talk about lots of different interventions and stuff))

So if you already know what they're talking about it'll be easier to understand the situation and make better decisions.

Read up about pain relief, induction, delivery (fetal distress, positions, forceps, ventouse...), after birth care of you and newborn

My DH was useless at the birth of my DS. He slept through most of it (he'd worked a 90 hour week at work before he went on paternity leave) and his only use was repeatedly bringing me water (the gas and air made my mouth very dry). Once I got him to buy two big bottles of water and put them next to me he wasn't even required for that. Having said that, he was a benign presence, didn't interfere and I knew he was on my side and so didn't mind him seeing everything (I took all my clothes off pretty quickly and it got quite gruesome at the end).

There is no way I would have someone there who is not on your side, who you can't trust and who is likely to express unwanted views about things like pain relief and your "performance" during childbirth. It's a very painful, private, vulnerable time and you need support and to feel comfortable.

If you are at a teaching hospital, you could ask if any of the student midwives are looking to recruit women for their continuity project. To qualify students have to follow a certain number of women through their pregnancy, birth and postnatal period. They can be a great source of support and I would highly recommend.

Go for it! I much preferred the births I had with no partner to the ones with; you can really focus on you and there is a huge almost comradely feeling between you and midwives. I wasn’t left alone, I felt really looked after and all my energy was on me, as it should be!

I wish i had birthed alone as my 1st birth partner fell a sleep and then within 5 minutes of the birth was on the phone to relatives detailing my very personal birth. What limbs had been were etc. Then FB posted a pic of baby whilst i was getting stitches better to go it along then have an idiot tag along.

YANBU and have given it careful thought.

I don't have personal experience but my mum gave birth twice on her own because my dad couldn't get back from work on time! If the thought of having someone there stresses you out, then I'd say go for it. The people you really need are the trained midwives!

Definitely don't have the ex there, his actions of sharing your personal info on your scan pics on social media and not caring when you objected suggest he's unlikely to be the support you need.

I agree with others to consider having someone on standby in case you feel you would like someone else there/exploring a doula or student midwife.

Am glad you are giving baby your surname and not putting ex on the BC - he can always be added later if he steps up.