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AIBU?

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Original poster

DM not speaking to me

91 replies

BinkyBoinky · 23/12/2020 19:41

Not sure if this should be in aibu, please move if in the wrong place. Yesterday my dp (we don't live together) had a cerebral spinal brain leak (has a tumour) and had to go to a&e. He got discharged and is ok, they say it'll heal up on its own but he has to see his neurologist (but that's another story). And needs bed rest.

Anyway i was due to go to my mums for xmas (he wasn't going) but I've decided that he should stay with me for a few days and I won't go to her. I need to keep an eye on him in case it happens again we have to call 999. She still has my sibling going to hers. I told her today and she got angry and put the phone down on me. No sympathy for my dp who is sick or me who has had my plans changed and has to look after him. Which i want to do, i can't bear the thought of him being by himself over xmas like this. All she's bothered about Is that i won't be going to hers. And says why can't someone else look after him? Etc. She put the phone down on me!

I want to call her to clear the air but am dreading speaking to her. WWYD? She's extremely controlling and hypercritical about everything. She says why can't his family look after him? Well they live abroad!

Sorry about my poor typing, Im on my phone & i don't have my glasses.

OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 23/12/2020 19:43

YANBU. she's not going to be on her own, she'll be only one person down and her partner is seriously ill. She's being incredibly selfish.

AngelicInnocent · 23/12/2020 19:45

I would not ring her for starters.

TomorrowIsAnotherDae · 23/12/2020 19:47

YANBU @BinkyBoinky. Leave it for now with DM, there seems to be a lot of people having extreme reactions about plans being changed. Your DP absolutely needs you right now and you need to be with him for your own peace of mind. I hope he makes a good and speedy recovery 💐

gamerchick · 23/12/2020 19:49

Let her stew OP. It's hard when we think we've upset our parents, especially if we usually go with the childhood familiar. However, there comes a point in our adult lives where we have to draw a new boundary with tricky parents. Make this yours.

I hope your OH is on the mend soon.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 23/12/2020 19:50

i'd phone my sibling and explain the situation properly before your mother gets in first with her tale of being ditched - assuming you have a decent relationship with them.

I certainly wouldn't phone my mother again in a hurry.

beautifulclouds · 23/12/2020 19:51

YANBU. She should be the one calling back and apologising. How hurtful that she doesn't seem to care about you and your DP at all! I'm so sorry x

LouiseTrees · 23/12/2020 19:52

I would ignore her. I’d also make sure she’s not bad mouthing you to any of the rest of the family and explain the situation to them if they are reasonable human beings.

PearlescentIridescent · 23/12/2020 19:53

Bless you. Don't clear the air if she is hypercritical and controlling Flowers

Grey rock her, don't let her add to your worries. He is severely ill for fuck sake. I hope you realise how not normal this is, and I mean that kindly and not critically because with a mother like her it wouldnt surprise me to find you had some difficulty with her and boundaries.

Wishing you and dp all the best, hope he recovers and you have a nice Christmas

WeeDangerousSpike · 23/12/2020 19:55

I wouldn't be phoning her any time soon! There's no need for you to appease her, she's being callous and selfish. The apology needs to cone from her, she's completely out of line.

Sorry your DP's unwell OP Flowers

Butterymuffin · 23/12/2020 19:55

Yes, explain the situation to your sibling. Leave your mum well alone for now. She has not been good about this.

Jenifirtree · 23/12/2020 19:56

She's extremely controlling and hypercritical about everything.

Then there is no point. She wont see reason. Just ignore.

NovemberR · 23/12/2020 19:58

Agree with others. I'd phone my sibling and hope they were more sympathetic.

And your appalling mother would be phoning me and apologising before I ever had any contact with her again after that nasty little tantrum.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/12/2020 19:58

People like her thrive on their victims trying to smooth out problems. Leave her to stew.

AcornAutumn · 23/12/2020 20:00

@Justmuddlingalong

People like her thrive on their victims trying to smooth out problems. Leave her to stew.
Agree. There’s a medical issue for you to deal with, of course that’s top priority.

All the best to your and your DP. Flowers

RochelleGoyle · 23/12/2020 20:01

She's being utterly selfish OP. You are not in the wrong. I've spent years trying to 'clear the air' following upsets that were never my fault in the first place. Look after your partner and look after you. xx

3ismylot · 23/12/2020 20:02

I wouldn't bother wanting to clear the air with someone so selfish, to be honest!
Yes, it may be disappointing that she won't see you, however, you have a very sound reason for the last-minute change of plans and she should be asking how she can support you both not sulking!
Agree with PPs that you should contact your sibling and explain your side and then leave her to stew.
Hope you and DP have the best Christmas that you can and that their health improves.

partyatthepalace · 23/12/2020 20:08

Ooh she’s being a bugger.

Ring up your sibling, explain. And then focus on your partner other than sending a jolly Christmas text tomorrow. Hopefully you can speak by phone on C’mas day.

It won’t take her long to get over it. Sounds like she needs some boundaries. Everyone is pretty mental right now, to be fair.

pilates · 23/12/2020 20:08

I wouldn’t phone her back. She needs to phone you and apologise for her appalling behaviour.

Freddiefox · 23/12/2020 20:09

How nasty of her. Don’t call her back, she’s used to you trying to smooth things over. Leave her to stew.

You can’t change her, but change how you react to her.

coldwaterfeed · 23/12/2020 20:12

Why do YOU want to call her to clear the air? She should be calling to apologise to you!

Is this how it always goes? She’s waiting for you to be her whipping boy.

PurpleMustang · 23/12/2020 20:13

Well least you know if she is ever ill and needs care its ok to let her down and put others first. Wow she is a master manipulator. I would suggest you have some FOG, fear obligation guilt

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/12/2020 20:14

I agree with the other posters, she should be apologising to you.
You are doing the right thing, helping your DP in what is really a medical emergency. I hope you both have a good Christmas and that your DP gets the rest they need.

PurpleMustang · 23/12/2020 20:15

Will your siblings understand or be her flying monkeys

cptartapp · 23/12/2020 20:16

Why are you bothered about clearing the air? You are her equal you know. Sounds like you've been trained to put her first. Unpleasant parenting.
She's shown her true colours and I would think far far less of her now going forward.

BasiliskStare · 23/12/2020 20:17

Stay with him & just tell DM in really clear words why - in capital letters if needs be - I wish you both all the best @BinkyBoinky

( what does grey rock mean btw ? )

Anyway Flowers @bBnkyBoinky

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