DM not speaking to me

[BinkyBoinky]

Not sure if this should be in aibu, please move if in the wrong place. Yesterday my dp (we don't live together) had a cerebral spinal brain leak (has a tumour) and had to go to a&e. He got discharged and is ok, they say it'll heal up on its own but he has to see his neurologist (but that's another story). And needs bed rest.

Anyway i was due to go to my mums for xmas (he wasn't going) but I've decided that he should stay with me for a few days and I won't go to her. I need to keep an eye on him in case it happens again we have to call 999. She still has my sibling going to hers. I told her today and she got angry and put the phone down on me. No sympathy for my dp who is sick or me who has had my plans changed and has to look after him. Which i want to do, i can't bear the thought of him being by himself over xmas like this. All she's bothered about Is that i won't be going to hers. And says why can't someone else look after him? Etc. She put the phone down on me!

I want to call her to clear the air but am dreading speaking to her. WWYD? She's extremely controlling and hypercritical about everything. She says why can't his family look after him? Well they live abroad!

Sorry about my poor typing, Im on my phone & i don't have my glasses.

He has a brain tumour, is leaking spinal fluid, on what planet would she think it was OK to leave him for a turkey dinner and chat.

She is right to question why has his family not flown over.

Have you missed where almost every country globally has just slammed their borders shut to the UK?

Do what they call ''sitting with the discomfort''
she's a bully, she operates by intimidating people into doing what's in her interests, the reason she gets away with it is because people dont feel able to tolerate that discomfort.
You've been trained your whole life to capitulate to her bullying and it takes a lot to go against that training.
But if you don't do it you will never escape her grip on you

She is right to question why has his family not flown over.

Global pandemic.

If you are in tier 4 is it even allowed for both you and your sibling to visit your Mum? I thought it was no indoor mixing unless support bubble, though to be honest because we aren’t seeing anyone I haven’t scrutinised the detail.

Lots of people are going to be alone this year, your mum should be grateful she isn’t one of them and not have a go at you, let alone in this situation where she should be offering support and sympathy and not making it all about her. Hanging up twice is ludicrous.

She is selfish, but you know that. You can’t make her feel something she doesn’t, care for your partner or you at such a worrying time. You can reduce the effect it has on you by being nothing like her.

@B1rthis

I can see it from both points of view. Your mum may have gone to a lot of trouble, she's had a tough year like everyone else and the lack of social interaction etc could mean she's been counting the days to have her family round her. She is right to question why has his family not flown over. He's extremely unwell and they should be helping/supporting him between lockdowns. But an unwell person should not be alone incase he needs help and you being his dp you must feel quite torn.

I understand this, she has been spending a lot of time alone lately (as lots of people have been) so i know she's reacting from this too. But I know I'm in the right by looking after my dp. It's what anyone would do

If you’re in tier 4 then you and your sister couldn’t have both visited your mum anyway. If she lives on her own she can be in a support bubble with one of you but not both.

Health problems and Christmas both have a way of helping us to see our family for who they are. Try to enjoy Christmas without having to speak to your mother, and I hope your Dp stays as well as can be.

If you’re in tier 4 then you and your sister couldn’t have both visited your mum anyway. If she lives on her own she can be in a support bubble with one of you but not both.

This.

But anyway - yanbu and she is heartless! Stay with your DP. Hope you have a restorative day.

19:50LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow agree with you completely

She's being selfish and ridiculous. Who does she imagine is going to roll up and take care of him while you swan off to hers?

Leave it to her to get back to you now, I reckon.

Op read what @Snowy0w1 wrote and keep re-reading until you know it by heart.

My mother is a bitch and if I could do it over I'd let her be a bitch and then tell her not to contact me until she could behave like a nice person.

She is right to question why has his family not flown over

It only happened yesterday. He hasn't told his family yet because he doesn't want to worry them yet but he will. They wouldn't be able to visit anyway.

Shame you're in t4 OP, I was going to suggest sibling come to you and leave the miserable woman on her own!

What a vile woman. Don’t give her another thought, OP, she doesn’t deserve it. I’d be going LC/NC in the New Year after this.

She is behaving very ungraciously and sounds unpleasant OP. We don't have to spend our lives catering to people that think it's acceptable to put the phone down on and throw tantrums as adults to make us feel bad any time we don't exist to please them. You don't need to be the one to 'fix' this and you ultimately can't fix her problems for her anyway. Don't place yourself below her.

You're doing the right thing and the only thing you reasonably can do. She of course must feel disappointed but could have expressed that normally. Your DP sounds very ill and her lack of gravitas over that shows her up for who she is IMO. I hope he recovers well with no further complications . It must have been very upsetting for you