DM not speaking to me

[BinkyBoinky]

Not sure if this should be in aibu, please move if in the wrong place. Yesterday my dp (we don't live together) had a cerebral spinal brain leak (has a tumour) and had to go to a&e. He got discharged and is ok, they say it'll heal up on its own but he has to see his neurologist (but that's another story). And needs bed rest.

Anyway i was due to go to my mums for xmas (he wasn't going) but I've decided that he should stay with me for a few days and I won't go to her. I need to keep an eye on him in case it happens again we have to call 999. She still has my sibling going to hers. I told her today and she got angry and put the phone down on me. No sympathy for my dp who is sick or me who has had my plans changed and has to look after him. Which i want to do, i can't bear the thought of him being by himself over xmas like this. All she's bothered about Is that i won't be going to hers. And says why can't someone else look after him? Etc. She put the phone down on me!

I want to call her to clear the air but am dreading speaking to her. WWYD? She's extremely controlling and hypercritical about everything. She says why can't his family look after him? Well they live abroad!

Sorry about my poor typing, Im on my phone & i don't have my glasses.

My mum would have gone mad at me if I had gone round to hers instead of looking after any friend who would otherwise have been alone in such circumstances.
I'm glad you have a supportive sibling and sending very best wishes to her, you, and your dp.

She sounds bloody awful. Good on you for looking after him: I had a minor tear turn into a catastrophic leak which left me unable to open my eyes for weeks. I had to relearn walking due to spinal damage after that, and the only reason I have my mobility now is someone spotting the leak and making me go back to hospital. Your DP has a keeper in you! I hope you have a lovely Christmas just the two of you, maybe make it an annual tradition.

Bitch, you stay put and look after your do, she is a callous one that is so selfish of her.

I had a situation once where my MIL ( who was otherwise lovely ) had a little pop at me for not going to hers for Christmas. we were having my parents for Christmas and my brother who had suffered very very severely from a mental illness to the point where we had not seen him or even known where he was ( or whether alive ) for 10 years ) MIL said - well if my son can come for Christmas from abroad - then I am sure you ( DH ) and you DIL) can come. I did say to her - do you not understand how important this is. She said no and put the phone down. I don't regret telling her that. She was a lovely woman but didn't always see another's point of view. She was little bit her way or the high way. I would not worry - if it is important to you @BinkyBoinky - just explain and say - here is how it is. You will get over it. I wish you well and hope you and dp have a peaceful and calm Christmas x

I mean, your dp is ill. You don't even need to justify anything. Even it was just a friend, you would do that, if that person would be alone. She is being extremely unsympathetic, I would just ignore.

Wishing your partner a speedy recovery op, and wishing you both a happy Christmas together.
and a hug for you

@ClaireP20

I actually agree with your mum, sorry, as I know that makes me sound out of order.

??? Heartless

Let her get on with her life and stew in her own misery. Nobody should be allowed to bully family members to 'put them first'. Crass selfish behaviour.

I would go next Christmas either!

OP take peace and comfort in the knowledge you are doing the right thing...your DP needs you right now.Your mother sadly needs her head read and a course in priorities. You however need to make her not one of yours after her atrocious behaviour. I wish you and Dp a peaceful christmas together.

YANBU to think she’s being a dick. I’d take her not talking to you as a huge positive. Enjoy the peace and don’t view it as a punishment but a blessing.

@ClaireP20

I actually agree with your mum, sorry, as I know that makes me sound out of order.

So you'd leave your partner after a spinal fluid leak when said DP would be on their own and there was a chance it could happen again, even if that chance was small?

Wow, what a cow! I’m astonished at her selfishness. How the hell can she think that’s fair of her? Weird behaviour.

How serious is your relationship? If it is a committed one I would tell mum to take a running jump!! Hope you and your partner are okay

Priorities. Stick with him and don’t indulge her, she is being selfish and unreasonable. Do not engage.

So her need to have attention at Christmas trumps your dangerously ill partner's need for care? I think not. Don't ring, don't text. She is totally in the wrong, you have done nothing except show that you are a caring person. I played my late mother's mind games for years to the point where it made me ill. If I had my time over, I would cut her lose early on and have nothing further to do with her. I suggest you do the same.

I wish you and your partner all the best for a safe Christmas.

I wouldn't be phoning her. She knows where you are when she wants to apologise, althoughI doubt sorry ever crosses her lips.
Stick her Christmas present in the bin and forget her. I hope you both have a peaceful Christmas and no more worry.

Hope you and DP have a lovely day together!

I would just leave her to it. Focus on your partner and sort it out after Christmas

@InFiveMins

Can you not compromise at all? Spend an hour or so with your mum?

Absolutely fucking don’t do this! Terrible advice. Of course you shouldn’t phone her let alone go. Your DP is seriously ill and needs you and she wants what she wants? Half the country are spending Christmas on their own.

What a shockingly selfish woman. I wouldnt contact her again until she calls to apologise.

@BinkyBoinky

Thank you everyone. I do need to set my boundaries but where my mum is concerned I've always found her extremely difficult to speak to. I just tried to speak to her and she's out the phone down on me again. So that's it. I'm not going to try again.

My sibling knows and id totally sympathetic and understanding. She's dreading going tomorrow bc our mum is going to be in a huge mood. I feel sorry for her but am caught between a rock and hard place. Went shopping for xmas food today and couldn't even focus because of the situation.

Tell your sister to walk out if she starts. My DBs and their wives cut loose long before I did I think I stuck it out because they had cut ties, big mistake, I got the lot dumped on me. Think of this as an opportunity to distance yourselves, both you and your sister.

I can see it from both points of view.
Your mum may have gone to a lot of trouble, she's had a tough year like everyone else and the lack of social interaction etc could mean she's been counting the days to have her family round her.
She is right to question why has his family not flown over. He's extremely unwell and they should be helping/supporting him between lockdowns.
But an unwell person should not be alone incase he needs help and you being his dp you must feel quite torn.

Use this as a convenient jumping off point to cut contact with her down to the Bare minimum

Make her eat her words give her a taste of her own medicine