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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM not speaking to me

91 replies

BinkyBoinky · 23/12/2020 19:41

Not sure if this should be in aibu, please move if in the wrong place. Yesterday my dp (we don't live together) had a cerebral spinal brain leak (has a tumour) and had to go to a&e. He got discharged and is ok, they say it'll heal up on its own but he has to see his neurologist (but that's another story). And needs bed rest.

Anyway i was due to go to my mums for xmas (he wasn't going) but I've decided that he should stay with me for a few days and I won't go to her. I need to keep an eye on him in case it happens again we have to call 999. She still has my sibling going to hers. I told her today and she got angry and put the phone down on me. No sympathy for my dp who is sick or me who has had my plans changed and has to look after him. Which i want to do, i can't bear the thought of him being by himself over xmas like this. All she's bothered about Is that i won't be going to hers. And says why can't someone else look after him? Etc. She put the phone down on me!

I want to call her to clear the air but am dreading speaking to her. WWYD? She's extremely controlling and hypercritical about everything. She says why can't his family look after him? Well they live abroad!

Sorry about my poor typing, Im on my phone & i don't have my glasses.

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 23/12/2020 20:17

As with others... explain to your sibling and then let your mum stew .
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this, particularly at Christmas.
All good wishes to you both.

Thehop · 23/12/2020 20:19

Don’t try and clear any blooming air, it’s her horrible behaviour that’s muddied it!

I hope you and Oh have a lovely peaceful Christmas.

Dashel · 23/12/2020 20:19

@NovemberR

Agree with others. I'd phone my sibling and hope they were more sympathetic.

And your appalling mother would be phoning me and apologising before I ever had any contact with her again after that nasty little tantrum.

Completely agree with this.

Your mum sounds like a bitch, I don’t know if I could ever get past that but I certainly wouldn’t forgive and forget even with an apology and he’ll woul freeze over before I spoke to her again without an apology

Tal45 · 23/12/2020 20:21

Why would you want to ever speak to her again? She sounds incredibly selfish and totally toxic. I would imagine your life would be far better without her in it. Wait for her to call and expect an apology, you need to stop pandering to and enabling her behaviour x

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 23/12/2020 20:23

One year I had to tell my aunt I wasn't going for Xmas. My dd was due Xmas eve and hadn't arrived. She lived about 50 miles from the hospital I was booked in at.. She put the phone down on me. She never did ring to see how I /dc /new dd was... Our relationship never recovered.. 2 years later she died. Some people are so self centred op.

Skipsurvey · 23/12/2020 20:25

was he always going to be on his own before this?

BonnieDundee · 23/12/2020 20:26

Dont phone your mum again. And dont speak to her until she is ready to unreservedly apologise. She is BVVVVVU.

Enjoy the peace and quiet. Look after your partner and yourself

catsrus · 23/12/2020 20:29

agree with the consensus - phone your sibling, don't phone dm again. She is being not only unreasonable but incredibly unkind and yes, toxic.

TheFoz · 23/12/2020 20:30

She sounds exactly like my mother. Do not call her, you have no need to clear the air. Your partner needs you, put your energy into looking after him. Happy Christmas.

Snowy0w1 · 23/12/2020 20:37

/

InFiveMins · 23/12/2020 20:42

Can you not compromise at all? Spend an hour or so with your mum?

Original poster
BinkyBoinky · 23/12/2020 20:42

Thank you everyone. I do need to set my boundaries but where my mum is concerned I've always found her extremely difficult to speak to. I just tried to speak to her and she's out the phone down on me again. So that's it. I'm not going to try again.

My sibling knows and id totally sympathetic and understanding. She's dreading going tomorrow bc our mum is going to be in a huge mood. I feel sorry for her but am caught between a rock and hard place. Went shopping for xmas food today and couldn't even focus because of the situation.

OP posts:
goldenharvest · 23/12/2020 20:42

Stay and look after your DP. I think you are well out of your DMs influence for christmas. Hope he recovers and that his tumour can be managed x

coldwaterfeed · 23/12/2020 20:43

@InFiveMins

Can you not compromise at all? Spend an hour or so with your mum?
Never compromise with narcissists.
Original poster
BinkyBoinky · 23/12/2020 20:43

@InFiveMins

Can you not compromise at all? Spend an hour or so with your mum?
Not in xmas day as I don't have a car. The usual plan is To stay over
OP posts:
ClaireP20 · 23/12/2020 20:45

I actually agree with your mum, sorry, as I know that makes me sound out of order.

Original poster
BinkyBoinky · 23/12/2020 20:45

@Skipsurvey

was he always going to be on his own before this?
Yes because of Covid. He's not in her support bubble. We're tier 4. we had already discussed this and he was ok with it, not being religious etc. I was going to cook for him after
OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 23/12/2020 20:45

FOG. Fear, obligation and guilt. It's a very strong cycle to break, you've taken the first step. And it sounds like your sibling is still caught up in it all. 💐

OmarListening · 23/12/2020 20:45

Bless you op, your mum is a selfish twat. Have a lovely chilled day with your DP, it must have been so stressful him being so poorly.

A good mum would be sending her best wishes for his recovery and saying of course you should do whatever you need to do.

NovemberR · 23/12/2020 20:47

Please, please don't phone her again.

She's deeply unpleasant and is gaining a twisted sense of joy at how unhappy you are over the situation. What kind of a person does this? She knows you are obviously really worried for your DP and is thrilled at making life just that little bit worse for you.

She's truly awful.

coldwaterfeed · 23/12/2020 20:48

@ClaireP20

I actually agree with your mum, sorry, as I know that makes me sound out of order.
@ClaireP20 You agree OP should leave her husband who has a tumour alone at home after he had a cerebral spinal brain leak yesterday?

Can you explain your thought process or are you just trying to make OP feel like shit?

EleanorRigbyWasReal · 23/12/2020 20:50

Out you and your partner first. I despise the kind of controlling shit many parents do to their adult children.

Snowy0w1 · 23/12/2020 20:50

Don't call her.

Do what they call ''sitting with the discomfort''.

At the moment, not doing what your mother wants you to do is excruciatingly uncomfortable right? and the ''cure'' for that discomfort is to capitulate and do what suits her but doesn't work for you?

Don't do that. This time, ''sit with the discomfort.''. Experience it fully. Dialogue with it.

Let it pass. It will EVENTUALLY PASS.

aND THE next time, the net result of ''sitting with the discomfort'' is that when you don't do what your mother wants, it will be easier, less uncomfortable.

I have gotten there in stages and I wish you all the best. It isn't easy.

But cavig in and ringing her is just perpetuating the family dynamic that you ahve now.

EleanorRigbyWasReal · 23/12/2020 20:52

“Put your partner first...” 😡 autocorrect

PenguinBarnotBird · 23/12/2020 20:53

@ClaireP20

I actually agree with your mum, sorry, as I know that makes me sound out of order.
Oh hi Mum!
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