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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel embarrassed at dads Christmas gifts?

77 replies

Pushpushpoosh · 23/12/2020 12:22

Exchanged gifts on the doorstep with my dad last night and he had spent ALOT on myself DH and our 2 DCs. I'm really shocked he got us so much and very thoughtful gifts too.
We spent no where near as much on him, still got him things he likes but I feel awful and that it's not enough and I'm cringing now at the inequality of it.

Bit of back story my dad was absent from me been around 11 and was pretty crap before that too always in and out of my life, drink and drugs etc never paid my mum a penny towards child maintenance etc. However he cared for my nan his mum at the end of her life and looked after her so well even with his own illnesses he has changed, doesn't drink or anything anymore and has been the best grandad our DCs could ask for. He's said he admires me as a person as he couldn't forgive what he did but we're building a relationship again.

My mum is saying he's gone all out because he knows he "owes" me for all the missed years but I just feel so guilty. DH is saying we can get him something else if it'll make me feel better but that's just awkward isn't it?
AIBU to feel guilty?

OP posts:
Icecreamsoda99 · 23/12/2020 12:24

YABU to feel guilty but I completely understand it. He's your dad let him spoil you, perhaps being extravagant helps relieve some of his guilt. Flowers

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 23/12/2020 12:25

Wealth / care / help should trickle down. He will be pleased to have provided something for you and your kids. It’s not an exchange or a transaction. Enjoy your gifts and be thankful. Dork stress!

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 23/12/2020 12:25
  • don’t!
CodenameVillanelle · 23/12/2020 12:25

Let him spoil you. He's your dad and he probably feels he owes you. Enjoy it for what it is.

Unsure33 · 23/12/2020 12:27

Why don’t you just promise him a lovely special family day out when covid is over .something to look forward to .

MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2020 12:31

At Christmas you tend to prioritise your DC when buying gifts. That’s what he as done and presumably what you have done.

Thank him and enjoy the presents. He won’t be thinking you haven’t spent enough unless he’s a total tool.

Topseyt · 23/12/2020 12:33

I can see why it would feel very awkward, but I suppose he is possibly trying in some way to make up for his past failings, as your mum suggests.

I don't suppose he wants you to feel bad, and as your DH says, you can always get him something else in addition if you wish, when we are allowed to shop freely again or if you can think of something you can get online to have delivered to his address (Amazon Prime?).

Have you spoken to him since? He might have just wanted to do this and not have expected masses in return. Perhaps he feels that rebuilding your relationship is his main present and that it is fortunate that this chance to do so has arisen?

Vitaminsss · 23/12/2020 12:35

Personally I would message him and return some of the gifts (not the children’s stuff). I wouldn’t like it if an acquaintance spent so much money on me and wouldn’t accept the gift. It’s a bit weird. It’s essentially “love bombing”

You don’t have to buy him anything else. He probably did it because he feels guilty but at the end of the day, you can’t buy someone’s love and he can’t make up for all those lost years. The worst case scenario would be that he holds these presents over you in a controlling way, as in he makes you feel eternally indebted to him for his generosity and he may throw it in your face

IMNOTSHOUTING · 23/12/2020 12:39

It sounds like he just wants you and the kids to have nice gifts. I don't think you need to feel guilty, I very much doubt he'll be worried about the price disparity.

rawlikesushi · 23/12/2020 12:40

I don't think anyone expects their kids - even their grown up kids - to spend the same as their parents do on them.

And if it was exceptionally generous then he definitely wouldn't have expected gifts to the same value. He wanted to surprise and delight you all, so let him. All that is required is a heartfelt, sincere thank you.

alwayslearning789 · 23/12/2020 12:41

Hi OP

Don't feel guilty... accept and enjoy it with grace.

There is no need to 'buy it back', it was a gift and its Xmas.

Parents spoil their children and so he shouldSmile

Original poster
Pushpushpoosh · 23/12/2020 12:44

I feel Ifni was to return the gifts that would have a negative impact on the relationship we've built up, he's been in our lives over 2 years now and this year he has been more financially stable so possibly why he has been able to spend more. Before lockdown etc we used to visit every other weekend for Sunday lunch so he is more than an acquaintance.

The day out idea is lovely thankyou.

Thankyou all Xmas Smile

OP posts:
cittabassa · 23/12/2020 12:48

I strongly disagree with Vitaminsss. And he's not an acquaintance.

While he can't make up for the bad years, if he wants to be generous now, let him. He's your parent, he won't expect the same monetary value back.

ScrapThatThen · 23/12/2020 12:49

Don't try to reciprocate emotionally or financially - it sounds like he is giving it a go but he might yet wobble and let you down. If he can give without expecting something in return or getting cross this is a positive sign. Just thank him and give /do what you want to within your own boundaries.

Lovemusic33 · 23/12/2020 12:49

I feel the same, just exchanged gifts with my mum, I made them a small hamper with homemade cake, fudge, chocolates and a bottle of wine. She handed me a massive bag of presents for me and the dc. Tbh most of the gifts she buys us are usually tat and a dodgy looking jumper from primark but I still feel like my gift was pretty rubbish.

Holothane · 23/12/2020 12:50

About time he spoilt you, these parents are always the same mine was. Enjoy the presents and don’t you dare feel guilty hugs.

Wishitsnows · 23/12/2020 12:53

He didn't financially support you growing up so whatever presents he has bought would not equate to what he should have paid. Accept them and don't feel guilty. He certainly should though.

LadyLazaruss · 23/12/2020 12:55

I had this exact conversation with DH last night. Amazon parcel after Amazon parcel keep arriving from him for me (he lives on the other side of the world so it's the easiest way). I've only got him little bits and bobs (still nice, mine). But I keep reassuring myself that i'm studying at the moment, and his business seems to be doing extremely well this year Grin

LadyLazaruss · 23/12/2020 12:55

mind*

Mindymomo · 23/12/2020 12:57

I think it’s lovely that he has gone to the trouble of getting you all good presents.

Bargebill19 · 23/12/2020 12:57

Your guilt is understandable because you are a nice person. But don’t let it grow and ruin what your dad thought was a loving gift.
Have you ever thought that to him, just having you and your family in his life, is the best gift he could ever have?
Please don’t stress about it. Just enjoy being a family and all the positives that includes.

HollowTalk · 23/12/2020 13:00

I'd make the most of it. He treated you badly and now he seems to be trying to make up for it. Let him.

Tal45 · 23/12/2020 13:02

If I spend lots on someone the last thing I want is for them to feel guilty or bad, I want them to feel special, loved and appreciated. Don't over think it would be my advice, just appreciate that he's trying to make up a little for what he missed. You can more than repay him by forgiving him and building a relationship x

Fieldofyellowflowers · 23/12/2020 13:02

@Vitaminsss That is a lot of assumptions that you have made when you don't know much about the situation or what OP's father's motives are.

OP, I would enjoy the gifts and go ahead with the idea of treating him to a nice day out when all of this is over. It is not uncommon for parents to spend more on their kids than the kids spend in return. After being absent for so long, maybe he enjoys having a child and grandchildren he can buy presents for and fuss over.

Greenmarmalade · 23/12/2020 13:04

Don’t feel bad- he’ll feel great about bringing you lovely presents. Your mum is also right!!

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