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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel embarrassed at dads Christmas gifts?

77 replies

Pushpushpoosh · 23/12/2020 12:22

Exchanged gifts on the doorstep with my dad last night and he had spent ALOT on myself DH and our 2 DCs. I'm really shocked he got us so much and very thoughtful gifts too.
We spent no where near as much on him, still got him things he likes but I feel awful and that it's not enough and I'm cringing now at the inequality of it.

Bit of back story my dad was absent from me been around 11 and was pretty crap before that too always in and out of my life, drink and drugs etc never paid my mum a penny towards child maintenance etc. However he cared for my nan his mum at the end of her life and looked after her so well even with his own illnesses he has changed, doesn't drink or anything anymore and has been the best grandad our DCs could ask for. He's said he admires me as a person as he couldn't forgive what he did but we're building a relationship again.

My mum is saying he's gone all out because he knows he "owes" me for all the missed years but I just feel so guilty. DH is saying we can get him something else if it'll make me feel better but that's just awkward isn't it?
AIBU to feel guilty?

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 23/12/2020 13:05

i think that's ok
(Some )Parents like to spoil their DC
My DP really really don't want presents,we buy them brandy and posh chocs and take them to a show/dinner (not this year )
They are giving us 5k as they have not been on holiday this year
Normally give us 2k

lifestooshort123 · 23/12/2020 13:07

Vitaminsss

Personally I would message him and return some of the gifts (not the children’s stuff). I wouldn’t like it if an acquaintance spent so much money on me and wouldn’t accept the gift. It’s a bit weird. It’s essentially “love bombing”
You don’t have to buy him anything else. He probably did it because he feels guilty but at the end of the day, you can’t buy someone’s love and he can’t make up for all those lost years. The worst case scenario would be that he holds these presents over you in a controlling way, as in he makes you feel eternally indebted to him for his generosity and he may throw it in your face

Wow. Bit of projection going on here.

OP, enjoy the presents and don't feel guilty. He's making amends and wants you all to enjoy them.

Cam2020 · 23/12/2020 13:07

No amount of money spent or presents can make up for what he's done to you, OP, but perhaps he's trying - and it is for him to try. Accept the gifts and the spirit with which they were given and I sincerely hope hope he is trying to make up for being a shit father in whatever way he can.

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 23/12/2020 13:11

Enjoy it.

Unsure33 · 23/12/2020 13:11

Also if it makes you feel better I do spoil my children and grandchildren at Christmas because I know when we retire we won’t be able to do so. And no way do I measure what is given back . If they said in the summer we will have a weekend at the coast , all together . That would mean more than anything .

Aprilx · 23/12/2020 13:12

Please don’t return the gifts as a poster suggested, that would be hurtful. I would accept them in the spirit they were given.

Unsure33 · 23/12/2020 13:12

Also when you say thank you make a point of acknowledging how thoughtful the gifts are . That’s the most important thing . Not the cost .

Chrissybobble · 23/12/2020 13:16

Your Dad obviously loves you to bits and sees this as a way to show you he cares.Don't feel the need to match his generosity just enjoy your gifts.Who doesn't want to spoil their kids at this time of year especially with how horrible it's been.

MLMsuperfan · 23/12/2020 13:18

I always say, accept each gift in the spirit it was given. If people give very generous gifts, what they want is to bring you happiness. Enjoy without guilt, if you can.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 23/12/2020 13:20

Absolutely do not return them. I also strongly disagree with @Vitaminsss. There is a world of difference between someone who was feckless and failed their family in the past but has now genuinely reformed, and someone who is abusive and controlling. OP hasn’t given any suggestion that her father falls in the latter category.

OP, it will have given him great pleasure and comfort to feel that he can make these gestures to you and the kindest thing that you can do is to let him have that.

Chewbecca · 23/12/2020 13:23

We spend much more on DSC’s & DGD’s gifts than they do on ours & I am very happy with that situation. They’re around 30 and are relatively low earners with a big mortgage, nursery fees and all that stuff. We don’t have any of those problems so the imbalance is fine / right IMO.

Interestingly, around the age of 40 my spending and my parents spending on gifts equalised. Perhaps it will with the DSC at some point but I don’t mind if it does or not.

MaintainTheMolehill · 23/12/2020 13:27

You are feeling guilty as you are thinking what must be be thinking about the inequality in the amounts spent but ask yourself if you spent a lot on your own kids and got gifts in return that where things you like but not to the same value, how would you feel?

I expect you would feel like any parent, glad you where able to spoil your kids.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 23/12/2020 13:29

It sounds like he’s been a shit father in past, missed all the hard work raising you, so I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. If you’re reasonably well off, it’s easy to buy stuff. I’m not very forgiving of crap parents though.

rottiemum88 · 23/12/2020 13:29

*Personally I would message him and return some of the gifts (not the children’s stuff). I wouldn’t like it if an acquaintance spent so much money on me and wouldn’t accept the gift. It’s a bit weird. It’s essentially “love bombing”
*
FFS, he's not an acquaintance, he's her bloody dad! OP, do not return the gifts. Listen to your mum and accept that he maybe does feel guilty about the past and wanted to do something nice for you all. It isn't about all being equal, so I wouldn't buy him more gifts either as it'll just be weird and awkward on all sides.

Fairyliz · 23/12/2020 13:31

I have children in their 20’s and I spend more on them than they spend on me because I can afford it and I like treating them.
When I can’t afford it I won’t.
Surely transactions aren’t always equal between families.

Dohrehmee · 23/12/2020 13:32

You can tell
Your dad you had another few surprises but because of covid they cant be used right now and say you will
Give them those gifts when the time is right. This could be a day out somewhere. A meal in a restaurant.

Nohomemadecandles · 23/12/2020 13:32

Therefore some reaching going on with @Vitaminsss post.

I would suggest not overthinking it. Don't return things.

If in doubt, do nothing until you're sure!

AcrossthePond55 · 23/12/2020 13:32

His motivation isn't really the point. He gave the gifts because he wanted to. You say he's a changed man and that he's living up to the standards he has now set for himself. If it's to 'expiate' for past sins, you are giving him a very valuable gift by allowing him to do that. If he is a recovering addict and has used just about any recovery programme or meetings he will have been told to 'make amends' to those he's wronged and perhaps he sees these gifts as part of that.

Acceptance of the gifts doesn't equate with forgiveness, you don't have to forgive him if you don't want to. But it sounds to me as if you have decided you want to 'move past the past'. Accepting the gifts may also be a part of that for you, too.

Don't feel guilty about the difference 'pounds and pence'. Feel joy that you have shown your dad that the changes he has made in his life are truly worthwhile and that he is paid back 1000 fold for each day he keeps to his resolve to be a better person. That is your real gift to him.

justasking111 · 23/12/2020 13:34

We have spent far more on our children and grandchildren than they will spend on us. We now have the money and just love to give them joy. We know they are not in the position to do this as we weren`t at their age. Your disposable income goes up and down during your lifetime.

Northernstar1245 · 23/12/2020 13:35

Let him spoil you OP and enjoy the gifts. It sounds like keeping the relationship going and you all being part of his life is the best gift. Spending time, a day out with him will matter most.

Confusedandshaken · 23/12/2020 13:35

I spend shedloads more on my adult D.C. than they do on me. Of course I do. Not because I was a bad mum (I think I was pretty damn good most of the time) but because I have a lot more disposable income than them and because they are just starting out and need their money for their future and their families whilst I have everything I need.

I would be very cross if they spent a lot of money on me.

Don't feel guilty OP. Just appreciate the thought that might be behind your dads extravagance.

OverTheRubicon · 23/12/2020 13:35

Did you spoil your mum as much as you plan to spoil him? Has he given even more generous presents (or even some lump sum transfers) to your mum to.make up for all she had to sacrifice and go without for years, and the pension and savings hits she will have taken while he didn't pay a penny in maintenance or see you?

It's great he's involved now and that he's overcome many of his challenges. It's also great that he sees he is deeply deeply in debt to you all, and if he's now as great as you describe then of course he wouldn't expect you to match him financially.

christmasathomeagain · 23/12/2020 13:38

My in laws usually spend more on us than we do on them, that is sort of normal ime.

Sacredspace · 23/12/2020 13:40

Isn’t it natural for parents to spend more on their children than children on their parents?
I could completely understand you feeling this way if it were a friend or sibling for example. But your parent? Allow him to spoil you! Xx

VulvaPerson · 23/12/2020 13:40

YABU, if he wants to splash the cash, his choice really. I get why it would make you feel awkward though.