Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel embarrassed at dads Christmas gifts?

77 replies

Pushpushpoosh · 23/12/2020 12:22

Exchanged gifts on the doorstep with my dad last night and he had spent ALOT on myself DH and our 2 DCs. I'm really shocked he got us so much and very thoughtful gifts too.
We spent no where near as much on him, still got him things he likes but I feel awful and that it's not enough and I'm cringing now at the inequality of it.

Bit of back story my dad was absent from me been around 11 and was pretty crap before that too always in and out of my life, drink and drugs etc never paid my mum a penny towards child maintenance etc. However he cared for my nan his mum at the end of her life and looked after her so well even with his own illnesses he has changed, doesn't drink or anything anymore and has been the best grandad our DCs could ask for. He's said he admires me as a person as he couldn't forgive what he did but we're building a relationship again.

My mum is saying he's gone all out because he knows he "owes" me for all the missed years but I just feel so guilty. DH is saying we can get him something else if it'll make me feel better but that's just awkward isn't it?
AIBU to feel guilty?

OP posts:
CareForNowt · 23/12/2020 13:41

Agree with PPs, I don't think many parents expect their kids, even when grown, to spend as much on them as they would.

I know I couldn't! My mum still goes wild at Christmas despite me being a grown woman now! 😂

madcatladyforever · 23/12/2020 13:41

YABVU to feel guilty AT ALL. Does he think he can make up for all those lost years and no maintenance with a few gifts?

JillofTrades · 23/12/2020 13:43

Seems like he has turned his life around and is trying to make up for not being there. Embrace it, not many people do that. I like the idea of giving him a family day, seems like he will appreciate something like that.

Pushpushpoosh · 23/12/2020 13:46

Thankyou all I do feel much less guilty and he knows we really appreciate our gifts.

OP posts:
Notthe9oclocknewsathon · 23/12/2020 13:55

@Icecreamsoda99

YABU to feel guilty but I completely understand it. He's your dad let him spoil you, perhaps being extravagant helps relieve some of his guilt. Flowers
This. He isn’t doing it because he hopes for better gifts. It’s an outward display of love toward you because he know he messed up. Let him love on you and don’t feel guilty.
IWantT0BreakFree · 23/12/2020 13:58

I'm gobsmacked at the comments. Wow. Only person speaking any sense is @Vitaminsss.

There is a world of difference between someone who was feckless and failed their family in the past but has now genuinely reformed, and someone who is abusive and controlling. OP hasn’t given any suggestion that her father falls in the latter category.

Neglect is a form of abuse. He has been an abusive father. This man was an addict who was in and out of his child's life and did not provide adequate care. He then completely opted out when she was 11 and is only now, when she's an adult, making attempts to build a relationship. A relationship that OP feels is so insecure that it would be negatively impacted if she decided to return any of the excessive gifts. He's no prince, and whilst he may be "reformed" that is certainly not proven by anything in the OP and it does not undo the extensive damage he has already caused.

OP, it will have given him great pleasure and comfort to feel that he can make these gestures to you and the kindest thing that you can do is to let him have that

WTF am I reading. This is literally the whole point! A gift should be something nice you do for the recipient. This is not a healthy gift, where it's all about his pleasure and easing his guilt and shame, regardless of how it actually makes OP feel (pretty shit, it would appear). And where she feels that letting him know that she feels bad would result in some negative impact on the relationship. He's not doing it for her, he's doing it for himself. OP - like any victim of parental abuse, past or present - has no obligation to accept unwanted gifts/communications etc in order to assist their parent in appeasing their own guilt. She doesn't need to be "kind" FFS. Think about what you're actually saying.

FFS, he's not an acquaintance, he's her bloody dad!

Not in any meaningful way he isn't. He wasn't there and didn't provide for her physically, emotionally or financially. She owes him nothing at all and it's very wrong and very harmful to promote this idea that a person is entitled to any form of intimacy, relationship, trust etc simply because they are a biological parent, without any actual parenting having gone on. How is he entitled to any of this, any more than anyone else she recently met would be? Why do you think there's such a huge distinction between him ("he's her bloody dad!") and anyone else?

I don't think some posters here understand the sense of obligation that a child can feel in these kind of circumstances and how harmful that can be. There's certainly not much in the way of nuanced responses.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2020 13:58

@Pushpushpoosh
I was extremely skint for years when DS was young- huge mortgage&c after DH left, and I do tend to make it up now.. it is guilt.

Son says I don’t need to, but residual guilt is still there.

I wonder if your dad feels the same?
Guilty for the past?
He won’t expect equal things from you.

Em824 · 23/12/2020 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

oakleaffy · 23/12/2020 14:04

@JillofTrades

Seems like he has turned his life around and is trying to make up for not being there. Embrace it, not many people do that. I like the idea of giving him a family day, seems like he will appreciate something like that.
Ops dad really has appeared to have turned his life around. This is surely a good thing. He probably deeply regrets the past. There are lots of adult DC who are generous spirited to forgive a truly sorry parent, and it sounds like OP is one of these people.🙂
RudolphToldRedNoseNotSymptom · 23/12/2020 14:04

My father was an absolute Scrooge growing up. However, he sent me £200 cash for Christmas this year. I think that he has more security financially now. He has never contributed the thousands that other people my age have had, but look, it's generous of him and pays my heating bills for the Winter.
He is probably trying to make up for his past. Being free of the shackles of drink and drugs obviously leaves him with more disposable income. He has chosen to be generous to you this year. Thank him as I'm sure you've done and that's it. He's finally getting to be the Dad he probably always wanted to be. Let him do that.

CakeRequired · 23/12/2020 14:15

He can't really make up for what a scumbag he was when you were a child. He is lucky you are giving him any time at all to be honest, you're a nice person for that and a credit to your mum who did raise you. Accept the gifts, do not feel guilty and certainly never reciprocate. He technically has 18 years of parenting minimum where he was absent when you were legally a child, and that's not counting the years after that as you should still be there for your child even once they are adults. They still count. He has a lot of making up to do, but he is no dad.

FippertyGibbett · 23/12/2020 14:18

It’s not about the amount of money spent, it’s about the gift.
I really wouldn’t buy him anything else.

rosydreams · 23/12/2020 14:22

say thank you ,say when this virus blows over lets have a nice dinner some were on me.

That way you can show your thanks later

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/12/2020 14:25

I think that the pandemic situation has maybe affected the way a lot of people think about their family, and wasted opportunities etc.
And maybe he IS trying to make up for the lost years, when he wasn't much use. Maybe he's also worried about the virus himself and wants to give you stuff now while he still can.

I understand your feelings of inequity in the gift value - but I think you should let it go and accept the gifts in the spirit in which they were given.

It's not about reciprocal value, is it - he's not some random friend or work colleague, he's your father and your kids' grandfather.

I'm glad that you're feeling more accepting of the gifts, I think that's the right thing to do. Thanks

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 23/12/2020 14:26

We have very different interpretations of the situation, @IWantT0BreakFree. I’m sure you have your reasons for yours, as I have for mine.

@Pushpushpoosh I hope that you are able to move forward and find a relationship with your father that you are comfortable with. Merry Christmas to you.

TillyTopper · 23/12/2020 15:04

Just accept them, show him and tell him you are grateful and enjoy. A day out with him in the NY would be good (CV19 permitting).

invisibleoldwoman · 23/12/2020 15:04

“OP, I would enjoy the gifts and go ahead with the idea of treating him to a nice day out when all of this is over. It is not uncommon for parents to spend more on their kids than the kids spend in return. After being absent for so long, maybe he enjoys having a child and grandchildren he can buy presents for and fuss over.”

This. What will give him most pleasure is you showing how much you appreciate the gifts and the thought that has gone into them. It would upset him if you tried to match them. The day out idea is excellent. I speak from the POV of someone who can relate to your Dad’s situation.

IWantT0BreakFree · 23/12/2020 15:10

@JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson undoubtedly we do. However my interpretation and comments do not contribute to a narrative that places an obligation on the children of toxic or abusive parents (past or present) to "be kind" to those parents even where it causes them discomfort or unease.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/12/2020 15:22

Let him treat you op ! NO guilt

diddl · 23/12/2020 15:24

Whatever he gives you will never be as much as you have given him-a second chance to be in your lives.

OverTheRubicon · 23/12/2020 17:19

The idea of the day out and wanting to equal his generosity is making me extremely uncomfortable.

My stbxh is not involved with my children much for similar reasons. He's a decent man underneath but his mental health issues get in the way of parenting.

If he shows back up later on in a better state, that's great for the kids, and I hope they will be able to welcome him. But if my DD is then bending over backwards to take him for days out and splash cash on his presents to 'equal' him, I'll feel pretty ill. Especially when this man wasn't contributing child support or care, he is SO deep in all their debt. Forgiveness is great, but not if it overrides acknowledgement of the past. I would be willing to bet that they aren't agonising over spending much more on their mum or taking her out, even though her contribution over the years is infinitely more, and wonder if there's still an element of wanting to ensure that dad stays this time.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 23/12/2020 17:19

I could never match what my mum spends on me , dh , and dc's at xmas and she doesn't expect us to either. Just enjoy them , thank him again and like others said a nice family day out when possible again

CeibaTree · 23/12/2020 18:09

If your dad can't treat his daughter and grandchildren, then who can he treat? Don't feel guilty - you would do the same for your children right? :)

LilaButterfly · 23/12/2020 18:28

Just think about it this way, when your DC are grown up, do you always expect them to buy you gifts for the same amount you spent? Or would you happily spoil them like crazy and still appreciate gifts that are meaningful but worth less money?

TeenageMutantNinjaCovid · 23/12/2020 18:41

Thats they way it works

I have spent £1100 on why adult DC and partners. They have probably spent £100 in total on DH and I. I couldn't be happier about it.