To need support telling landlord im moving

[Madein1995]

Hi

I feel daft writing this but my anxiety is getting the better of me and I'm hoping some sensible people can give me a nudge

The backstory is I moved into a room as a lodger in May 2019 when I moved areas and started a new job. At home I experienced physical and mental abuse from my mum and I hadnt realised how much this trauma still affected me. I live in a house with a woman, her husband and son, and another lodger

At first the landladys closeness was nice. When I first moved she made me feel welcome and more involved and it was nice to have some support. Over time boundaries have been crossed. She goes in my room without permission; she looks in my fridge, she complains at the amount of food i have in my alloted cupboard space, she says things like 'i didnt know you were out' and I feel obliged to answer. She is passive aggressive so if a cup has a thumbprint on it she will leave it on the side but not say anything. Due to my trauma, when I hear raised voices I automatically freeze. When shes cleaning I get anxious because of childhood memories. When her and husband are talking I am worried it will be about me. Ive caught her a few times talking really nastily behind my back

This all came to a head last monday. I have had Ann Summers products (delivered to post office where i collected as i know she is sensitive around sex, another crossed boundary).

Out of fear and anxiety I didn't put the boxes in the bin and instead kept them under my bed. Last week i thought enough is enough, i broke them down and put them in the bin. Nothing graphic just the plain brown boxes. She saw them and hit the roof - she had googled the address on the parcel. She was very hurtful - said it was disrespectful, how barmy i was to buy them, how nice it is i have money to burn, whether i also pay men to sleep with me, what are they for (!) , called me a liar when i said i got them at the post office and was generally horrid. I went to bed feeling sick and woke up feeling ao afraid like i did in childhood and i decided to leave.

Ive found a perfect place - a room in a shared house with professionals whete i will be a tenant. The room is lovely and big and a nice enough location. New landlady has agreed and am currently going theough referencing checks with dad as my guarantor. Sbe wants me to move in 20th January.

Im dreading telling landlady but know i have to today. I need to give 4weeks notice, but due to wales locking the border and mam self isolating anyway i am spendinh christmas here with them. Its lovely to include me of course but things are still very frosty and therea a definitie atmosphere.

Im scared stiff of telling her - what do I say? What if she becomes aggressive and has a pop? What if she demands to know details of where I am moving? What if she locks herself in her room in tears and theres an even worse atmosphere? Shes already stressed over covid.meaning she cant work and told me that during last lockdown my rent was the only thing that made them keep their home and not downsize.

I know i need to tell her. I want to move and im looking forward to it. Im enjoying googling bedclothes and spice racks and bits for the new place. But im dreading it. Part of me thought write a letter then fuck off shopping but thats quite cowardly.

Starting anew in a fresh place will stop me assigning roles to my housemates in my head - therapist has helped me see ive assigned landlady as mam in my head which doesn't help my MH and starting anew will stop me doing that. I know i need to tell her i just dont know what to say. It foesnt help that the boundaries arent there and we are close and she refers to herself as a friend and not a landlady. All of the stuff online seems quite clinical and to the point but it seems like my circumstances arw different. Im also afraid of her reaction as if its bad im afraid ill cry and get upset and fuxk it up.

I know at 25 its ridiculous to be thinking like this. It is all based on previous trauma which im workinh through- nd i find it most inconvenient how past experiences influence my thoughts and feelings now. Shes currently gone out and when i beard her car leaving i could breathe..this shows im not happy here and need to go but its having the hard conversation

Not sure this helps but put it in writing and leave it for her. Lock your room then go for a walk do she can see it and calm down, or give it to her in person, but have coat on and go for a walk if you need to escape. Utah’s photos of your room so she can’t argue about the condition. Sounds like you’re making the right decision to go. And don’t feel guilty or bad for them, look after yourself.

I would tell her after Christmas

That would be 3 weeks notice and you can always have a week where you have access to both properties

4 weeks notice is just that, notice. You do many have to live there for the 4 weeks you have to pay for the 4 weeks

I recognise your user name from a long time ago, you have done so well to have moved out from your parents and started a new life. Bravo! Your landlady has completely overstepped what business of hers is it how her lodger spends their money?! and you're absolutely doing the right thing by moving out. She's infantilising you, your therapist is right. You are setting clear boundaries and taking care of yourself.

Putting it in writing is a good idea. Hopefully others can help suggest good wording. But all you need to tell her is that you're moving out. You don't need to JADE (justify argue defend explain). Don't be drawn into that. You don't owe her any explanation. Just reiterate that you have found a place that suits your needs better.

You can only control what you do, you can't control how she responds. She has brought this on herself by treating you so badly. If she closes herself up in her room and cries, so be it.

No one has the right to force another adult to live with them! She has completely invaded your privacy.

I wouldn't give her any details of the new place either. 'Sorry, I'm not comfortable sharing that.'

You will lose her as a friend but she was never a friend to you in the first place!

Even if Christmas day is miserable, that's a small price to pay for getting your freedom back, again. Good luck!

Thank you both, thats really helpful. Im particularly liking the walk idea so i can be out of the way.

Thats a good idea re Christmas too. Its mainly the fact of telling her and then staying for christmas that is bothering me. And i suppose from her pov it doesnt matter if i am there the 4th week just that i pay. My dad is helping with deposit and 1st months rent on new place so id be fine to pay for an extra week. It would also give me chance to transport my stuff as i dont drive

Unless you were planning on spending the rest of your life under this woman's roof, this day was bound to come. It's quite normal, happens all the time, nothing for either of you to have trouble with. Don't let her make you feel any other way.

If your agreement says you need to give 4 weeks notice or you pay rent 4 weekly then that's what you should do. Otherwise I'd be inclined to wait until after Christmas. The law says 'reasonable period', in the absence of any other agreement and 1 week seems reasonable, or 2 to be very reasonable.

Although you don't have to, I'd do it in writing - text or email - and keep your 'copy' of it, just in case there's any dispute.

I'd say something along the lines of 'Although I have been very happy living here, I have been getting the impression recently that you are not so happy. Therefore I have found somewhere else to live and will be moving out on [date].'

If she expresses any displeasure or anything negative at all, just smile and say 'I'm sorry you feel like that/ oh that's a pity, I've always been happy living here'. Repeat every time. If she challenges you on the repetition just say 'well, that's how I feel'. Stonewall. Keep smiling. Keep being positive. Keeping sympathising with her. Don't wobble. Don't let her knock you.

If you really don't want her to know your new address (which I find a bit unusual, but it's not my situation), smile sadly and say that unfortunately you can't give it to her. If you really want to embroider you could say that it's owing to issues with one of the other tenants. But usually, it's better to keep things simple. She will almost certainly press you, probably repeatedly with a list of reasons why she needs it. You don't have to tell her, whatever she says. Again, stonewall. 'I'm so sorry, I can't tell you', possibly if she's getting insistent 'I'm sorry to inconvenience you, but unfortunately I just can't hlep' over and over. But keep smiling.

Don't forget to get your mail forwarded at the Post Office, or be very sure you've told absolutely everybody your new address, so you don't and up with mail at hers. And warn anyone who knows you that might talk to her that you don't want her to know your new address.

Good luck. Keep calm, it's not for long now. Deep breaths!

I like the idea of telling her after Christmas and paying a few days extra rent if you can afford that.

just go.
how much notice do you have? one week? 2 weeks?
that's your christmas present to yourself

Good advice from Amicissimma too.

OP, you're not being ridiculous you've been traumatised and damaged by your toxic mother, you should do whatever is easiest for you, feel free to walk away from that dreadful invasive landlady and never look back!

And should she start arguing with you and/or saying no, no she is very happy, just say that as you've found a suitable place you think the time has come to move on and try something else.

Yes, definitely give it to her in writing and send an email too on Boxing Day. Don't feel guilty about her income. It's not your responsibility to help finance her family. She can find someone else. Once you know your plan you'll be surprised how much better you feel. Prepare for a frosty few weeks while you finish your notice, but you can get out for walks and keep busy. Well done on finding somewhere new.

it's completely fine to not give her your new address in fact I think it would be a positive thing because then you are drawing firm boundaries
you do not have to give her a reason for moving just say you found a place that suits you better and do not be drawn further into justifying or explaining yourself
you are an adult and you do not owe this woman anything despite her trying to draw you into her oppressive toxic web! 🕷️🕸️

Just to try and calm your anxiety about giving the notice, I've been in similar but different situations, and honestly, once you've bitten the bullet and done it, the relief just means a large ball of anxiety just flows out of you. There's an end in sight and the days in between seem much more manageable and less awkward because you aren't carrying around the thought of when will this end.

You don't need to say anything negative or too explanatory if she presses you. You could say something along the lines of thank you for all you've done for me, I'm ready to move on with my life. And that can be the explanation as to why you don't give her your address. As another poster said, stick with something simple and positive. Good luck, your new place sounds great.

I would go for the notice in writing too, but do it face to face. Focus on the positives not negatives in your letter, even say she has become like a mother figure, but say it is time for you to move on. Thank her for her hospitality and say that you hope to be able to stay friends. I know she has massively overstepped boundaries, but if you keep it positive it will keep the mood light for the duration of your stay and will ensure you get a good reference too.

Thank you for all you've done for me, I'm ready to move on with my life
I think this is an excellent phrase! it says everything without giving anything away and she can't argue with it😁you can base your whole leaving strategy around this 😊

If I were you, I’d be inclined to give 4 weeks notice as required but move early if I could afford it. Feeling safe and secure in your own home is priceless.

Redirect your post too.

Thank you all 😊 i suppose its not so much not wanting her to have my new address but rather keeping things seperate and professional. When previous lodger left I heard multiple moans about how cheap the room was she was offering etc and she actually drove past the road he moved to and she said 'its quite rough, dunno why he moved there'

Spoke to dad just and in the interest of having a stress free xmas im going to tell her on 27th. I need to give 4weeks notice which will mean me paying up until the 24th. I move into new place on the 20th january so am only paying for current place an extra 4days and i think its worth it. If i was going to wales for xmas as planned it wouldnt be a problem but i dont want to make it awkward as im staying.

Thank you so much for all your advice and support ❤ really really lovely.

Good tip re keeping it positive too - in the first few months jer behaviour was actually nice in a way because it made me feel welcome and less homesick. I think ita just become a bit stifling now and its hitting me just how much of my trauma gets resurfaced on a daily basis.

Am looking forward to feeling relaxed, safe and happy in my new place. Little things like not cringing when i hear her talking ceossly to her husband or mentioning 'her' when on the phone to her friend. I know a lot of it is my own head attaching meaninģ to her actions when perhaps none is there, and think a more equal living environment with a more professional landlord and housemates with equal rights, will help me more. The 1st night is going to feel uncomfortable but i dont suppose uncomfy feelings will kill me.

Thanks again guys. Am going to spend today washing and packing unwanted clothes for charity shop and drafting a letter to her

Could you frame it as Your home has been a shelter for me and I'll always be grateful for your support but now it's time for me to learn to live outside a family setting?

So, it's not you, it's me.

told me that during last lockdown my rent was the only thing that made them keep their home and not downsize

If the room's so great they'll get another lodger, and if they can't afford to live there it's them that need to sort it out.

Don't feel sorry if your landlady OP!
she owns her property and she has the option of downsizing if living there is unaffordable for her

Currently getting a spike of The Guilt - shes doing a buffet thing for tea and has invited me and othsr lodger to join them , awkwardly in my case but i know itll be rude if i hide away in my room. And as shes being nice part of me is thinking its mean to leave!

When actually as someone pointed out, moving is a natural thing and is whats right for me - its not about 'getting baxk' at her or whatever. Her being relatively nice has no bearing on my decision. I know its me getting trapped into the vicious circle in my head - this protected me as a child but is causing problems as an adult

Don't worry, it doesn't change anything, even abusive people can be nice some of the time (which makes one's feelings towards them more complicated).

You still have to do what's best for you. Being a tenant is definitely better than being a lodger because it puts you on an equal footing with other tenants in the house. Your current landlady may be kind to you in some respects, but in other respects, she is completely unprofessional.

She sounds awful and I'm sorry she has taken advantage of your vulnerability to abuse you. What an utter bully.

I wouldn't be feeling generous towards her at all - no kind words about her roof (wtf? She didn't provide charity) or extra rent or whatnot. Just a cool "I will be leaving on X date" and then avoid her, do the 'rock' technique where she talks to you, and you give the most minimal one-words answers. Yes. No. I don't know. You owe her absolutely nothing.

I hope she frightens away all her lodgers and ends up miserable, what an awful woman.

In bed atm watching netflix with some lemon shortcake biscuits. The buffet thing was nice and we did have fun - had to keep reminding myself that 1 fun evening doesnt make up for other awful evenings. Tonights fun doesnt make up for this time last week feeling unnatural and odd because i use sex toys and waking up in fear.

Keeping it to the point is a good idea. Wont say til 27th mainly because i dont want an awkward xmas as otherwise i would tell her if i was still going home. Is new and scary and i feel like its not quite real and as though something will go wrong as any moment as its too good to be true! Just imagining how different and better new place will be. Being able to relax, not reading much into her door being shut tight, not being relieved when the car isnt in drove etc