To need support telling landlord im moving

[Madein1995]

Hi

I feel daft writing this but my anxiety is getting the better of me and I'm hoping some sensible people can give me a nudge

The backstory is I moved into a room as a lodger in May 2019 when I moved areas and started a new job. At home I experienced physical and mental abuse from my mum and I hadnt realised how much this trauma still affected me. I live in a house with a woman, her husband and son, and another lodger

At first the landladys closeness was nice. When I first moved she made me feel welcome and more involved and it was nice to have some support. Over time boundaries have been crossed. She goes in my room without permission; she looks in my fridge, she complains at the amount of food i have in my alloted cupboard space, she says things like 'i didnt know you were out' and I feel obliged to answer. She is passive aggressive so if a cup has a thumbprint on it she will leave it on the side but not say anything. Due to my trauma, when I hear raised voices I automatically freeze. When shes cleaning I get anxious because of childhood memories. When her and husband are talking I am worried it will be about me. Ive caught her a few times talking really nastily behind my back

This all came to a head last monday. I have had Ann Summers products (delivered to post office where i collected as i know she is sensitive around sex, another crossed boundary).

Out of fear and anxiety I didn't put the boxes in the bin and instead kept them under my bed. Last week i thought enough is enough, i broke them down and put them in the bin. Nothing graphic just the plain brown boxes. She saw them and hit the roof - she had googled the address on the parcel. She was very hurtful - said it was disrespectful, how barmy i was to buy them, how nice it is i have money to burn, whether i also pay men to sleep with me, what are they for (!) , called me a liar when i said i got them at the post office and was generally horrid. I went to bed feeling sick and woke up feeling ao afraid like i did in childhood and i decided to leave.

Ive found a perfect place - a room in a shared house with professionals whete i will be a tenant. The room is lovely and big and a nice enough location. New landlady has agreed and am currently going theough referencing checks with dad as my guarantor. Sbe wants me to move in 20th January.

Im dreading telling landlady but know i have to today. I need to give 4weeks notice, but due to wales locking the border and mam self isolating anyway i am spendinh christmas here with them. Its lovely to include me of course but things are still very frosty and therea a definitie atmosphere.

Im scared stiff of telling her - what do I say? What if she becomes aggressive and has a pop? What if she demands to know details of where I am moving? What if she locks herself in her room in tears and theres an even worse atmosphere? Shes already stressed over covid.meaning she cant work and told me that during last lockdown my rent was the only thing that made them keep their home and not downsize.

I know i need to tell her. I want to move and im looking forward to it. Im enjoying googling bedclothes and spice racks and bits for the new place. But im dreading it. Part of me thought write a letter then fuck off shopping but thats quite cowardly.

Starting anew in a fresh place will stop me assigning roles to my housemates in my head - therapist has helped me see ive assigned landlady as mam in my head which doesn't help my MH and starting anew will stop me doing that. I know i need to tell her i just dont know what to say. It foesnt help that the boundaries arent there and we are close and she refers to herself as a friend and not a landlady. All of the stuff online seems quite clinical and to the point but it seems like my circumstances arw different. Im also afraid of her reaction as if its bad im afraid ill cry and get upset and fuxk it up.

I know at 25 its ridiculous to be thinking like this. It is all based on previous trauma which im workinh through- nd i find it most inconvenient how past experiences influence my thoughts and feelings now. Shes currently gone out and when i beard her car leaving i could breathe..this shows im not happy here and need to go but its having the hard conversation

Personally, given her violating your privacy and in light of her abusive conduct, I'd not give her any notice at all. I'd just pay for the remaining time you are staying there and leave. It's not like you will be using her for a Landlord reference.

I would have a good think about how many days of double rent you can afford to pay & physically leave as soon as possible.

What does your contract say about her obligations to you? Presumably rifling through your belongings is not allowed. She sounds dreadful.

She sounds unhinged, OP! For that reason I second what Cora Pirbright says:
I would have a good think about how many days of double rent you can afford to pay & physically leave as soon as possible.
and what Krampus says:
...given her violating your privacy and in light of her abusive conduct, I'd not give her any notice at all. I'd just pay for the remaining time you are staying there and leave.

Does your contract say anything about privacy and your right to privacy in your bedroom?

Because she has blatantly broken this so I would be tempted to do what Krampus says. Keep your head down till your new place is ready then just go. She is treating you appallingly and I imagine this will only get worse during your last few weeks. You owe her nothing, very well done on arranging a new home and good luck with the move.

Listen, it's not a prison sentence. You are a paying lodger and if she doesn't know how to conduct herself as a landlady that's not your problem. Just relax and enjoy Christmas. Then give your notice in writing, thank her for providing nice digs and get ready to move on. I hope you have nice housemates in your new place. Onwards and upwards!! Best wishes 💐

Could you afford to pay your notice period and go to the new place straightaway OP?

I think that i have to gove notice as ive signed a contract and as a lodger she is able to go in my room (although this wasnt specified when I moved in). Mum in wales has covid and is in bed and dog has surgery for 8th January. Ive decided not to hassle dad about sending off his documents just yet as hes playing nurse to mam and the dog., im telling LL on 27th and will have him send docs then.

A friend has suggested im moving too quickly and rushing and should wait until january to view but i dont need to. Im ready and i feel like the place is nice. Massive boundaries have been crossed. When i first moved in i gave mams number as my emergency contact to landlady. To be used in emergencies really. Shes talked to mam a gew times - was on hols and room a bit messy (not dirty) she went in and then when mam brought me home complained to mam! She text mam today saying shell 'look after madein and make sure i have a nice time'. A nice sentiment but im 25. Also me and mam have tricky relationship and her talking to mam just puts me on edge. I know its massively appropriate.

Shower currently out of action as it was filling up. Her dh came round and tok up floorboards and took 3hours to sort it, and now theyve put some stuff down. It takes 24hrs to work but she wants to leave it 36 to be safe so no shower until christmas day which would be fine except i had a wipr down last nigjt intending on showering tonight

Just drinking winr, watching netflix and colouring at the same time. Thanks for your mesaages guys theyve really helped me keep my resolve

*inappropriate not appropriate!

She is weird and creepy and very much lacking in appropriate boundaries. The sooner you’re out of there, the better.

Huge well done @Madein1995 you’re being brilliantly strong sticking up for yourself the way you are! Your landlady sounds horrific. I wish you all the very best in your new place where you can be yourself and be comfortable!

Sounds like you have a plan. I agree with others here, about not rocking the boat as you give notice and leave. There really isn’t anything to be gained from it.

Good luck in your new place!

Is she quite alright? She sounds like a very, very strange person.

I'd just be upping and leaving, giving her the money for the notice and not living the notice period there.

She sounds ill. And I don't say that lightly working in mental health. But her behaviour really isn't normal.

Please don't feel you ever have to put up with people treating you like this. Your mother may have given you a terrible outlook on people abs boundaries, but I would have stopped this immediately or walked at the first sign of her bizarre behaviour.

This isn't how landlords act.

When I was 17 I mentioned to my parents that my friend and I had "discussed the possibility of getting a place together" and they went ballistic. My mother had one of her "wobblers" (panic attacks) and my father told me I could "pack my grip" right away. There was such a fuss I never mentioned it again. My friend got engaged shortly afterwards so the plan fell through.

You too may have an uncomfortable few days but keep your eye on the light at the end of the tunnel.

In fact I stayed at my parents home until I was 22 and could afford my own flat as I did not want to share. A kind older woman at my workplace allowed me to use her place when she went away - which was almost every weekend. So I knew what it was like to have to cook and keep house for myself.

I put off telling them until I had, quite literally, booked the removal man. All my furniture was stored at my grandmothers. I eventually told them about 2 weeks before moving out and there were many recriminations. How were they going to manage without my financial contribution because my sister had just become a single mum.

Of course their financial situation was none of my business. It was an uncomfortable few days but made more bearable by the idea of gaining my freedom.

@Monr0e

Does your contract say anything about privacy and your right to privacy in your bedroom?

Because she has blatantly broken this so I would be tempted to do what Krampus says. Keep your head down till your new place is ready then just go. She is treating you appallingly and I imagine this will only get worse during your last few weeks. You owe her nothing, very well done on arranging a new home and good luck with the move.

Landlords of lodgers maintain the right to access and check the room.

Lodgers have a lot less protection than tenants.

While she sounds insane

"She is passive aggressive so if a cup has a thumbprint on it she will leave it on the side but not say anything. "

How is not washing up after you passive aggressive, she's your landlady not your cleaner

Landlords of lodgers maintain the right to access and check the room.
And this landlady is abusing that right by complaining to OP's relative (whom she's only supposed to contact in emergencies) that the room is untidy.

How is not washing up after you passive aggressive
Yes, I didn't understand what was wrong with that either, but, like you, I believe the landlady's general behaviour is wildly inappropriate, and OP needs to escape ASAP, without worrying about upsetting the landlady or being unjust to her.

sinful perhaps i didnt explain it well. Its not that the cup hadnt been washed - its more that rather than say something to me she has just left it in an unnatural and odd place (on the cooker for example) and said nothing and left me to find it myself and make assumptions. Its the not being upfront and saying something - ots her way of showing me ive done wrong without actually saying anything which again transports me to childhood. It isnt about her not doing my dishes! Although incidentally thats confusing in itself as sometimes she wil say 'oh ill do tjat' when ove finished with a plate which can mean im not sure where i stsnd. Similarly if im washing up and there's their cups in the sink or plates i will do that as well.

It seems like im blamed got everything. S container was thrown put while still dirty - blamed me then backtracked when told it werent me. A tray was dirty - blamed me until i aaid again that wasnt me.

Perhaps its my fault for not researching bit when i first moved nothing was mentioned about going into my room. In fact thats why im determined to be a tenant this time around

Lots of her behaviours are likr mam and it nust resurfaces the trauma and makes me want to behace like in childhood ie frozen, make it all ok etc. The boundaries are most confusing as they are absolutely blurred which is odd to know what is ok and what isnt.

Mam has text saying shes unwell and hallucinating and dad in wales is coughing. Hes almost 70 so its him were most worried over.

Royal Mail recommend you set up Mail Redirection at least three weeks before you move. You can do this online. You should do this now. You don't want to risk any mail arriving at the current address after you've gone.

You’ve been paying good money to rent a room. If she wants people to stay longer then not making passive aggressive comments or poking through stuff would be a start! You owe her nothing!!

I wouldn’t tell her your new address, if she asks just say you will arrange to get your post redirected.

Just think about how this move will be good for you, and the quicker you give notice the less extra money you’ll have to pay.

Many years ago when I relocated for a new job my employer paid for me to stay in a lodging-house type hotel for 4 weeks. The owners were a very mean spirited couple. There were no plugs in the rooms so you couldn’t waste “their electricity” so to use a hairdryer I had to stand in the corridor. They also complained when friend who lived nearby dropped in for a few minutes to my room one evening before we went to a nearby pub. I was told off at breakfast in front of the other guests that I wasn’t allowed any visitors in my room at all as it would “upset their businessmen clients”. The first weekend I went away, and on return they had moved my belongings to a smaller grottier room, as “they needed my room for a businessman”. Bastards! So I found a room to rent and moved out. The owners rang my new boss to complain that I had moved out early and demanded that they be paid for the remaining weeks! No.

If I were you, if I could afford 2 lots of rent, I would move out the day I pay the next rent to her.

You shouldn't have to though.

I think waiting till the 27th is a good idea, and best of luck in your new home!
Don't blame yourself for your landlady's treatment of you, it is very hard for people who come from homes where abuse is normalised to recognise and enforce appropriate boundaries.
You have done well.
I hope your DF is ok

Did she take a deposit? While it’s nice to give notice , you could actually just leave and say nothing, there’s nothing much she can do really.
Do you pay weekly or monthly?

The extra days rent or deposit is your money that you’ve worked hard for.

Give notice as soon as you feel able to so it doesn’t end up in her pocket! It sounds like she would get upset whatever you do so do what’s best for you, don’t worry about her!

You sound like you’re working really hard to change how you think and respond to things etc, well done for that, it’s not easy

Shes just prepping the veg for later and so ive been in my room and am just leaving for a walk in a nearby field. Freah air will help and the sounds of someone in the kitchen shouting at their husband just takes me back to childhood. Again.

Looking forward for xmas to be over, for dad to send his docs off and to actually tell her. I think ill feel better once i have told her. She does have a deposit and im aiming for 27th as that means Christmas is out the way. I do imagine she will react badly whatever. Since ive been here therea been 3 other lodgers come and go and i suspext her attitude has a bit to do with it. Feeling annoyed at myself thoigh. I should have known a family home would be too close for comfort when i first moved, nd ahould have listened to my gut and put more boundaries in

Am just wondering how i will go about making sure boundaries are in place in new place and i dont end up getting too close to new housemates and landlady?