Hi
I feel daft writing this but my anxiety is getting the better of me and I'm hoping some sensible people can give me a nudge
The backstory is I moved into a room as a lodger in May 2019 when I moved areas and started a new job. At home I experienced physical and mental abuse from my mum and I hadnt realised how much this trauma still affected me. I live in a house with a woman, her husband and son, and another lodger
At first the landladys closeness was nice. When I first moved she made me feel welcome and more involved and it was nice to have some support. Over time boundaries have been crossed. She goes in my room without permission; she looks in my fridge, she complains at the amount of food i have in my alloted cupboard space, she says things like 'i didnt know you were out' and I feel obliged to answer. She is passive aggressive so if a cup has a thumbprint on it she will leave it on the side but not say anything. Due to my trauma, when I hear raised voices I automatically freeze. When shes cleaning I get anxious because of childhood memories. When her and husband are talking I am worried it will be about me. Ive caught her a few times talking really nastily behind my back
This all came to a head last monday. I have had Ann Summers products (delivered to post office where i collected as i know she is sensitive around sex, another crossed boundary).
Out of fear and anxiety I didn't put the boxes in the bin and instead kept them under my bed. Last week i thought enough is enough, i broke them down and put them in the bin. Nothing graphic just the plain brown boxes. She saw them and hit the roof - she had googled the address on the parcel. She was very hurtful - said it was disrespectful, how barmy i was to buy them, how nice it is i have money to burn, whether i also pay men to sleep with me, what are they for (!) , called me a liar when i said i got them at the post office and was generally horrid. I went to bed feeling sick and woke up feeling ao afraid like i did in childhood and i decided to leave.
Ive found a perfect place - a room in a shared house with professionals whete i will be a tenant. The room is lovely and big and a nice enough location. New landlady has agreed and am currently going theough referencing checks with dad as my guarantor. Sbe wants me to move in 20th January.
Im dreading telling landlady but know i have to today. I need to give 4weeks notice, but due to wales locking the border and mam self isolating anyway i am spendinh christmas here with them. Its lovely to include me of course but things are still very frosty and therea a definitie atmosphere.
Im scared stiff of telling her - what do I say? What if she becomes aggressive and has a pop? What if she demands to know details of where I am moving? What if she locks herself in her room in tears and theres an even worse atmosphere? Shes already stressed over covid.meaning she cant work and told me that during last lockdown my rent was the only thing that made them keep their home and not downsize.
I know i need to tell her. I want to move and im looking forward to it. Im enjoying googling bedclothes and spice racks and bits for the new place. But im dreading it. Part of me thought write a letter then fuck off shopping but thats quite cowardly.
Starting anew in a fresh place will stop me assigning roles to my housemates in my head - therapist has helped me see ive assigned landlady as mam in my head which doesn't help my MH and starting anew will stop me doing that. I know i need to tell her i just dont know what to say. It foesnt help that the boundaries arent there and we are close and she refers to herself as a friend and not a landlady. All of the stuff online seems quite clinical and to the point but it seems like my circumstances arw different. Im also afraid of her reaction as if its bad im afraid ill cry and get upset and fuxk it up.
I know at 25 its ridiculous to be thinking like this. It is all based on previous trauma which im workinh through- nd i find it most inconvenient how past experiences influence my thoughts and feelings now. Shes currently gone out and when i beard her car leaving i could breathe..this shows im not happy here and need to go but its having the hard conversation