To need support telling landlord im moving

[Madein1995]

Hi

I feel daft writing this but my anxiety is getting the better of me and I'm hoping some sensible people can give me a nudge

The backstory is I moved into a room as a lodger in May 2019 when I moved areas and started a new job. At home I experienced physical and mental abuse from my mum and I hadnt realised how much this trauma still affected me. I live in a house with a woman, her husband and son, and another lodger

At first the landladys closeness was nice. When I first moved she made me feel welcome and more involved and it was nice to have some support. Over time boundaries have been crossed. She goes in my room without permission; she looks in my fridge, she complains at the amount of food i have in my alloted cupboard space, she says things like 'i didnt know you were out' and I feel obliged to answer. She is passive aggressive so if a cup has a thumbprint on it she will leave it on the side but not say anything. Due to my trauma, when I hear raised voices I automatically freeze. When shes cleaning I get anxious because of childhood memories. When her and husband are talking I am worried it will be about me. Ive caught her a few times talking really nastily behind my back

This all came to a head last monday. I have had Ann Summers products (delivered to post office where i collected as i know she is sensitive around sex, another crossed boundary).

Out of fear and anxiety I didn't put the boxes in the bin and instead kept them under my bed. Last week i thought enough is enough, i broke them down and put them in the bin. Nothing graphic just the plain brown boxes. She saw them and hit the roof - she had googled the address on the parcel. She was very hurtful - said it was disrespectful, how barmy i was to buy them, how nice it is i have money to burn, whether i also pay men to sleep with me, what are they for (!) , called me a liar when i said i got them at the post office and was generally horrid. I went to bed feeling sick and woke up feeling ao afraid like i did in childhood and i decided to leave.

Ive found a perfect place - a room in a shared house with professionals whete i will be a tenant. The room is lovely and big and a nice enough location. New landlady has agreed and am currently going theough referencing checks with dad as my guarantor. Sbe wants me to move in 20th January.

Im dreading telling landlady but know i have to today. I need to give 4weeks notice, but due to wales locking the border and mam self isolating anyway i am spendinh christmas here with them. Its lovely to include me of course but things are still very frosty and therea a definitie atmosphere.

Im scared stiff of telling her - what do I say? What if she becomes aggressive and has a pop? What if she demands to know details of where I am moving? What if she locks herself in her room in tears and theres an even worse atmosphere? Shes already stressed over covid.meaning she cant work and told me that during last lockdown my rent was the only thing that made them keep their home and not downsize.

I know i need to tell her. I want to move and im looking forward to it. Im enjoying googling bedclothes and spice racks and bits for the new place. But im dreading it. Part of me thought write a letter then fuck off shopping but thats quite cowardly.

Starting anew in a fresh place will stop me assigning roles to my housemates in my head - therapist has helped me see ive assigned landlady as mam in my head which doesn't help my MH and starting anew will stop me doing that. I know i need to tell her i just dont know what to say. It foesnt help that the boundaries arent there and we are close and she refers to herself as a friend and not a landlady. All of the stuff online seems quite clinical and to the point but it seems like my circumstances arw different. Im also afraid of her reaction as if its bad im afraid ill cry and get upset and fuxk it up.

I know at 25 its ridiculous to be thinking like this. It is all based on previous trauma which im workinh through- nd i find it most inconvenient how past experiences influence my thoughts and feelings now. Shes currently gone out and when i beard her car leaving i could breathe..this shows im not happy here and need to go but its having the hard conversation

She’s trying to manipulate you.

Hermione i know, especially the dog line. And wjy she has tp bring up mam i dont know!

OP, for goodness sake please stop letting yourself be controlled by this ridiculous child woman!

Well done for doing it OP.

No need to give her any more information.

What your parents think is none of her business.

Stay out of her way and keep repeating the same thing "thanks for your support, time to move on"...on a loop.

Don't get into the past or her batshit inappropriate behaviour.

Just moving on with positivity.

If you can get to move earlier do.

Give the moving date, but if you can get out earlier and suddenly do.

Avoid her drama at all costs.

She is not a nice woman.

Oh for heavens sake.

You are just renting a room from her. You didn't even need to have a conversation about it. Just write a letter stating the day you will be moving out.

She's unhinged and so this has turned into a mountain out of a molehill for you. Your life is none of her business - nor is it anyone else's business.

I mean this in a nice way, but You need to grow a thicker skin going forward.

And whatever you do, don't let them help you move. That would be mental. It's crazy that it was even offered. The amount of rooms I rented when I was young, I never had any of this. One sniff of this craziness, I would have run for the hills.

Say you’ll take the dog with you if you mentions that again!!

This is now a big weight off your shoulders, fingers crossed your referencing comes back ok and you won’t have to worry about using your dad.

Hi have got a positive update. The referencing was fine so no need to bother dad. I signed some forms last seek, am meeting her this wednesdsy to fill the rest, pay my deposit snd get the keys!! That means i csn start moving as and when i want to.

Landlady keeps making comments about how rough the area is - it isnt posh but its not that rough, friend who lives nearby says it is an ok area. Housemates are all lovely and i am looking forward to it. Packing slowly and taking a bag over with me on wednesday.

I am feeling an element of guilt though - she cancelled theif cruise today due to money reasons. Also she has said a few times 'i know we fell out over those parcels and i think you understand why but i didnt mean for you to rush out and leave,' which makes me feel guilty (stupidly!!) as i know thats her way of manipulating. I will miss the dog to be honest and her baby granddaughter and even her in a small way (she isnt a bad person even if she does have issues) nd shes already said ill have to come visit the dog but unsure sbout that tbh.

Moving is the right choice and feeling guilty is my trauma replaying itself. The manipulation isnt ok, the waking in fear after something shes done has triggered me, the relief when her car isnt there, the paranoia when shes talking about 'her', the comments as to how much stuff i have (actually not that much!), comments over 'the asians next door'or my personal most hated 'those ive seen breaking covid rules all seem to be coloured.' Disgusting attitude but felt unable to say anything. I know moving is right for me but i worry im upsetting her wjich i know i shouldnt worry over.

Working tomorrow - work in probation and cuttently wfh since nov although asked to go in office once a week snd no reply. Turns out manager thought i was going in 3x weeklg and has been allowing lots of the tram3in most of thd week. Has sgreed to let me go in once a week during high covid risk snd more afterwards. Tbh itll help my MH so much as it did last lockdown. Just feeling a bit of normality snd routine really helps.

Counselling has noved to zoom in this lockdown which im disappointed over. Its not the same as f2f, e took precautions and i walk there anc bsck. Needs must i suppise

Great news Madein😊 you're nearly free of that dreadful woman YAY!
I hope you can let everything that she says and does just go over your head until that glorious day🔑🏠when she can be out of sight and out of mind

Great news.
What a lovely new experience you have to look forward to.

Please don't drag this woman with you.

It will sour the future.

You owe her nothing.

Her Ann Summers upset was absolutely disgraceful.

Get out and don't look back.

Don not give her your address or allow her near your new home.

Your new housemates might consider it very weird if you allow this woman visit etc.

She is really nothing to you.

Move on.

I deffo wont let her visit - shes not a friend, not really (or at all). How she behaved around the Ann Summers was awful (she asked if i paid men to sleep with me ffs?) I think its because shes being nice i feel bad but her being nice isnt a reason to stay where im unhappy.

Excited to get the keys!

Great to hear! Time to move on and forget this woman, who is clearly extremely disturbed/ill.

Only a few more days to go and then you’ll be rid of her!

Do you think you’ll be able to move your last few bits out when she isn’t there? Just so she doesn’t get all emotional on you then.

You’re doing brilliantly, and don’t worry about the cruise, chances are she wouldn’t have been able to have gone anyway if it was this year

Well i moved some stuff in yesterday and got the kwys! Ordered a fluffy keyring off amazon. Im taking a holdall and a bag round there today at lunchtime and tomorrow a friend is coming to see it. Shr drives and has agreed to pick me and the heavy bits up and give me a lift. Shes also agreed tjar whem i do go on the last day she will help me move. I bought some duvet covers, sheets and a duvet yesterday which is good. I did manage to take a load of clothes round byt no hangers! The storage space is wonderful-2 drawers under wardrobe, big chest of drawers and 2 other chest of drawers. I need to get a digital aerial and toiletry bits but i can buy on weekend and take them directly there, same with kitchen stuff. I also need to buy wine glasses as the ones provided arent the best. My room looks so bare as ive pretty much packed anything i wont use. An feeling excited though

Fantastic to read your update and super impressive also that you work in probation. I hope you won't think I am being patronising to say that you must meet some pretty tricky characters with hard life experiences behind them - and you do this job despite your anxieties. I think give yourself a massive cheer for starting the new year with such a positive step, and you should take great pride in how far you have come and in your strength and resilience.

She sounds a nightmare, glad you are moving!

This is exciting, good luck, and best wishes at moving on

Aw thabk you frisky i find it easier to be assertive in work, its like a different me. Doing the same in my personal life is much harder.

Just been reminded of why i cant wait to leave! Shed gone out and son whos 20 door was shut so presumed hed left too. Had some erm me time with Ann summers🤭 nothibg loud obvs! But then i heard son up and about and thought shit hes gonna tell her and shell havr a go and feeling all embarassed and anxious. A prime example of why its good im leaving!

Have you decided when you’re going to move in properly to your new place? I’m so excited for you!

No firm date yet but hopefully next weekend. Ive got training this week where im assessed, so weekends are probably best. Probably going to move out peoper this weekend coming / during the week afterwards.

Been round there everyday so far unpacking and i love it! Will have go take photos and put them on. I feel happy and safe and relaxed. I go in and its silent and quiet and no ones engaging me in conversation when i dont want it, and i can do what i want. Even nice gestures by landlady are awkward - she said her, fsmily and other lodger are planning a game and did i want to join? I didnt fancy it but disnt want to offend and also in the past ahes made comments about me 'being in your room a lot' which make me feel bad. Just having the space to do what i want, when i want. No one knocking my door at 9am to make sure im ok (she thought id overslept for work, i had day off and didnt say anything). No one asking if ive eaten that day when im a grown woman who can look after herself. Just space to be me really.

Ive settled most of my clothes in now, and toiletries and a bit of stationary. Went tp drop off clothes this morning then to wilko for a few bits. Ive organised it how i like! Going argos tomorrow to collect some bedding and aerial and other bits. Im loving just spending time there and arranging and unpacking things. Im an addict in recovery and when i step into my room it gives me a buzz like using used to

Its only a mile from local supermarket so on nixe days i could walk there and bus or taxi back. I can wake up when i want, go to bed when i want, flush the loo whrn i want (she asks we dont flush the loo overnight as it wakes her), eat and cook when i want (big kitchen, 2 cookers and plenty of space). I can lie in without worrying about knocking on my door and can have me time without causing an argument. I can call service users for work wothout her son encouraging dog to howl in background. I can order pizza without comments how i should save my money. I can feel happy and be me, nd not need to be fake happy or smiley. This isnt to say im rude as im not and i am friendly - but often i just want to get in from work, take off my shoes, dribk some water and watch tv without speaking to anyone!

Congratulations on your escape, OP!

Thanks, im aiming for next weekend and its dawning how much i have left to do still! Paxking away some kitchen stuff that i rarely use, nd need tp tackle washing this week!

Have you moved?

Hope you’re happy in your new home @Madein1995

Hiya guys, i moved on the 15th january i think (poss a few days before) and have beem here a month now. I love it! It isnt the best of areas (wouldnt go walking the back streets in the dark but just go along main roads) but other than that everything is lovely.

New flatmates are nice enough and we chat now and then but i have privacy too. Little things like coming in from shoppinh and just flopping and having a deink, without questions as to how was the shops etc. Having erm ... me time 😉 ... without worrying. Being able to sleep starkers with no worey of someone coming in at 9am as they thought ive overslept for work. Having half hour lunch and that being plenty - not having to field 50questions and get engaged in conversations and having to wait for them to finish cooking before i can make myself a sandwich.

Ita being able to go to an NA meeting of an eveninh without her asking where im going etc. Even little things like waking up snd not hearing loud voices which do transport me to childhood. Not worrying that she seems 'off' with me or ive somehow offended.

The kicker was the letter she gave me. When i moved out i got her a bottle of wine and a card (because she told me shed bought me a pressie and was crying a lot!) Anyway the pressie was some prosecco, very nice. The card started by saying how she didnt want to be a mum to me bit looking back she wishes she had. 'Advice'for my new place such as keeping my room tidy (ok its a bit messy sometimes - not overly and its always clean). Things like not overfilling the washing machine, being careful with best before dates as she doesnt want me to become ill and being 'careful'about what i get delivered as she thibks the parcels i got delivered to hers were wrong and she doesnt want me to get in trouble in my new place! It did really upset me but just proves i was right yo go.

I did go epund for a cuppa a few weeks back which was alright but i dont think im going to maintain contact, at all. I feel safe and happy in my new room. Its mine and i can relax and do what i like.

Ita more central to town so i am walking to aldi, the pharmaxy etc and its not too long to work either. Only gotten 2 buses in the last mpnth due to rain etc. Theres a lovely park about 10mins walk from me which is nice. Ive had my mate round for film nights which is lovely too.

Im being sensible with cash as i know i run out by end of month and rent date is 20th
Ive put rent money in savings account so no matter how skint i am i have my rent available. I am just really genuinely happy. I do talk to my flatmates but its more in passing - and if i want to spend most of the day in my room watching telly or going for walks then that is completely fine and no comments are made.

Ive got more privacy and it feels more like mine. I feel more grown up somehow and ive got a desk to colour and write from! Ive also become more independent- i watched a youtube video to help work a can opener (never been able to , always bought ring pulls but ring pull fell off so had to, mam was controlling and wouldnt let me use toaster til i was 16) and ive also been up a ladder putting the blinds up when theyve fallen down.

My flatmares are a PT, a chef on furlough, a nurse, a police officer (who is currently staying with family and self isolating due to covid) and an estate agent. Ive spoken to all apart from the policeman as he isnt here, nd theyre polite but not intrusive. Ive been asked to take in parcels fr people and had the favour returned. Ive also moved my pharmacy to obe 5mins walk away so when i get my subutex its a 2minute walk.

The kitchen isnt out of bounds from saturday eve to sunday afternoon as someone is prepping a roast dinner. I dont have to queue for the loo, or tey and do work calls with a howling dog in the background. When my washing is in i know that it wont get touched apart from by me. Wheras landlady would pull it out and put it in tumbler - more so if i was 5min late as on work call - and if it was on tumbler, rather than leave for 30mins as id set it, would pull it out beforehand and decide its dry (even when it wasnt fully), fold them and comment how my knicker elastic seems to be going so i should bin them! At the time it didnt seem so bad but now ive left its hit me how weird it was