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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to parent this way?

97 replies

Ineedteabags · 22/12/2020 09:29

It's becoming apparent that me and DP have very different views on discipline and controlling our temper when it comes to dealing with our 20 month old.

I have a previous DC (different partner) so maybe that accounts for something but I have much more patience, in fact i rarely get frustrated/angry with youngest DC as I know tantrums/defiance are normal.
My DP though has literally no fuse, he can come in from work spend 2 mins with dc and if she acts up he goes straight to angry. I'm not saying my way of doing things is the way it has to be done but I find alot of the time ignoring and distracting work much better to calm her down whereas my DP goes straight in with shouting and trying to reason with her. He'll hold her on his lap when she's crying and tell her she can't get down until she calms down (cue more screaming because she hates being restricted from being able to move) and when she puts her arms out to me because she wants to come to me he won't let her.

Eating dinner he constantly moans, sit forward, eat this, use your fork, don't put your hand in it etc, he expects so much from her and she isn't even 2.

I'll admit I'm softer than I should be but I think partly because he's so harsh I feel like if we both go on at her all day all she'll hear is negative.

I tell her no when necessary but I also read the situation and I know if she is tired or hungry etc to distract her and a meltdown will only last minutes, if my DP shouts at her it only escalates.
AIBU to not want him to parent like this?

Any discussion I initiate just gets shut down with dont tell me what to do or undermine me.

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 22/12/2020 09:31

Oh God OP.

This doesn't sound good at all...but I think you know that.

I would be thinking about ending things...this is not healthy. Your DD is a baby....holding her still and not letting her down?? That's abusive.

LunaLoveFood · 22/12/2020 09:33

I would worry with him restraining her on his lap as this can be quite dangerous and it is possible to restrict breathing.
I don't think you sound too soft, it sounds like you understand her needs.
Would he consider a parenting course? If you went on one together you could learn strategies together so you are both on the same page. They will also teach him why she is behaving how she is.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 22/12/2020 09:45

You're not too soft . You just figured out the balance between discipline and letting two year olds be two year old.

The way he's behaving towards her is excessive and not right, quite abusive really .

You need to talk to him and he needs to change his ways.

Nottherealslimshady · 22/12/2020 09:50

Tell him he needs to work on calming down because he's making it worse. She's frustrated, so he needs to calm the situation, not get frustrated and expect her to calm herself and him.

He's expecting her to have the emotional intelligence to do something that he can't. He cant control his frustration but expects her to.

AccidentallyOnSanta · 22/12/2020 09:52

Remind him she can't even control her bladder properly at the moment, much less her emotions and behaviour.

DonLewis · 22/12/2020 09:54

Your husband is being twat about this.

How was he parented?

sheworkshardforthemoney · 22/12/2020 09:55

This is one one the reasons I broke up with my ex.

I have a DD he had no kids, he tried to discipline my daughter on the odd occasion. This was ok. But one time she was playing up (normal kid stuff) we were eating in a cafe at a national trust place and she was putting her feet on the seat. All day she had been a bit difficult. He got more and more irate with her. IMO because he couldn't control her.

Eventually we left and she was refusing to walk, being difficult and he said she needed a smack round the legs and he would happily do it as that's what my parents would have done.

I said no

I just foresaw years of this he had massive control issues and seemed to get personally affected and physically angry if he couldn't assert control

Horrible person

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2020 09:56

He sounds horrible. How would he like someone to do that to him? He’s bullying her because he’s bigger than her and knows she’s smaller, weaker and can’t get away by herself.

RandomLondoner · 22/12/2020 10:01

Eating dinner he constantly moans, sit forward, eat this, use your fork, don't put your hand in it etc, he expects so much from her and she isn't even 2

I'm not this strict on a ten-year-old. I may be too soft, but it's because I like her and my main priority is I want her to be happy.

abstractzebra · 22/12/2020 10:11

I divorced over this type of behaviour.
Both my children were good children but had their moments but I always went with the attitude that you can just jolly them along if it's just generally kids behaviour.
They are now lovely adults.
My ex went from zero to rage in 3 seconds and it made life really miserable.
I honestly think you could say that this has to stop and he needs to change his behaviour immediately and you need to agree to how you are going to parent.
One chance and if it doesn't improve, well, you know what you're dealing with.

RosePetalss · 22/12/2020 10:24

That’s shocking behaviour. Might not be what you want to hear but I would leave a man who did that to his own child.

She is not even 2 you say, can you imagine her growing up with a controlling Dad like that?! Leave now and save your daughter from a child hood of rules and punishment she doesn’t deserve.

LouiseTrees · 22/12/2020 10:48

Get him a parenting book. He expects too much of a 2 year old.

Lavanderrose · 22/12/2020 11:00

Parenting class and books, if there’s no changes then I would leave him.

FortunesFave · 22/12/2020 11:01

I cannot believe people are telling you to get him a fucking book.

He's a grown man with a child.

He should NOT be doing these things and it's not OP's job to 'fix him' either.

This sort of behaviour isn't fixed with a book! He needs a professional.

Chaby · 22/12/2020 11:02

This type of behaviour is partly the reason I am getting divorced. Our very different parenting styles led to so much conflict.

BertieBotts · 22/12/2020 11:04

This is not a difference in parenting style. It's him being over controlling and having way too harsh standards.

Especially the fact he doesn't want any discussion! How can you be a partnership like that? I always listen when DH suggests something I could do differently with DC, even if I'm initially a bit bristly about it.

No, the way he's being is not OK.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 22/12/2020 11:06

Is this totally out of character? I think it’s scary that you can have a child with someone and then find out this about them.

Nowaynothappening · 22/12/2020 11:07

He sounds harsh to me. At 20 months they’re still practically babies, definitely have little to no understanding of right and wrong. He needs to gain some patience pronto, toddlers require lots of it and don’t get me started on teenagers.

supersonicginandtonic · 22/12/2020 11:09

Aww my little one is 18 months old and having tantrums. We just leave her on the floor untol she is finished then she comes and gives us a cuddle. They're still babies at this age.

Ponoka7 · 22/12/2020 11:10

Not letting her go to you is abuse. I worked in CP. He is emotionally abusing her and emotional abuse is now considered as a serious risk of harm. If you doubt what I'm saying phone child line or your HV and admit what is happening.

At the moment you are colluding in her abuse and failing to protect her. Decide if you are going to act in the best interests of your child and if not at least when problems start at school, be honest so she can get help.

AndcalloffChristmas · 22/12/2020 11:12

He sounds horrific, and abusive to your child.

The holding her on his lap and not letting you come to her is really awful, and made me really uncomfortable to read.

zaffa · 22/12/2020 11:14

Without hesitation I absolutely wouldn't tolerate DH refusing to give DD to me when she is holding out her arms to me. Regardless of tantrums and all the rest; I don't think I would be able to cope with that and it would result in something like a make or break conversation for us. Differences in parenting is one thing, denying your child comfort from the person they seek it out from when upset is another matter altogether

NotOfThisWorld · 22/12/2020 11:15

He sounds controlling and horrible. He also sounds like he has no idea about child development. A 20 month old will be incapable of emotional regulation. You can't demand they calm down you have to model calm behaviour and support them when they're upset. Constant negative critisim is also going to eat away at her self esteem and eventually she'll just learn to tune him out anyway.

TheOrigRights · 22/12/2020 11:34

He'll hold her on his lap when she's crying and tell her she can't get down until she calms down (cue more screaming because she hates being restricted from being able to move) and when she puts her arms out to me because she wants to come to me he won't let her.

This is heartbreaking and must tear at every instinct you have.
I couldn't be with someone who behaved in this way.

LastChristmas20 · 22/12/2020 11:51

You can't stay with an abusive dickhead like this.

Your poor DD.

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