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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to parent this way?

97 replies

Ineedteabags · 22/12/2020 09:29

It's becoming apparent that me and DP have very different views on discipline and controlling our temper when it comes to dealing with our 20 month old.

I have a previous DC (different partner) so maybe that accounts for something but I have much more patience, in fact i rarely get frustrated/angry with youngest DC as I know tantrums/defiance are normal.
My DP though has literally no fuse, he can come in from work spend 2 mins with dc and if she acts up he goes straight to angry. I'm not saying my way of doing things is the way it has to be done but I find alot of the time ignoring and distracting work much better to calm her down whereas my DP goes straight in with shouting and trying to reason with her. He'll hold her on his lap when she's crying and tell her she can't get down until she calms down (cue more screaming because she hates being restricted from being able to move) and when she puts her arms out to me because she wants to come to me he won't let her.

Eating dinner he constantly moans, sit forward, eat this, use your fork, don't put your hand in it etc, he expects so much from her and she isn't even 2.

I'll admit I'm softer than I should be but I think partly because he's so harsh I feel like if we both go on at her all day all she'll hear is negative.

I tell her no when necessary but I also read the situation and I know if she is tired or hungry etc to distract her and a meltdown will only last minutes, if my DP shouts at her it only escalates.
AIBU to not want him to parent like this?

Any discussion I initiate just gets shut down with dont tell me what to do or undermine me.

OP posts:
Tangerines2021 · 23/12/2020 05:54

He held her down in bed when she was a baby? Please get help for you both. Do you have friends or family you can turn to/stay with for a while?

sleighstar · 23/12/2020 06:02

Hold on a minute. You let him hold your baby down when she was crying for breast milk?

Please correct me if I live got this wrong.

If this did happen you really need to learn to stand up to him. He isn't in charge.

I found that really disturbing actually.

groovergirl · 23/12/2020 06:35

OP, I wish I could be there to hold your hand ... and to drag you and DD out of there.
Have you a family or friend you could go to for Xmas? You seriously need a break from this abuser -- preferably a permanent one, but a week away would at least help to clear your head.
Babies and toddlers do not cry for no reason. You know what DD needs; you know what to do. He is a massive millstone, and his behaviour will only get worse. Sorry OP, but you need to organise your safe exit. Don't leave it until you have serious cause for regret.

Mekw · 23/12/2020 06:38

There are red flags of course as toddlers (or kids of any age!) do test patience to the limit so he needs to try and find a better way. My DH found it hard and I can relate to you as I found it so hard to see him go from zero to angry with our son (now 4). He never restrained him but he did shout and expect way too much of him so it felt like a constant battle when DS1 was 2/3 and pushing boundaries a lot. It really made me question our compatibility as parents.

To be honest I don't feel that the suggestions of leaving him or saying he's a horrible person are helpful as I assume you were happy prior to having a child and that he was a decent person? Yes the restraining thing is not ok and needs addressing but he's struggling with being a dad and its not a job that comes naturally to everyone. You need to be able to talk to him about it - not at the time when he is already angry and worked up but when kids are in bed and you can have a calm conversation about it. For me - we agreed that his approach wasn't working and agreed to try something different (being calm, distraction, ignoring bad behaviour etc) when he realised this was more effective it helped him change his own behaviour. Of course we all have limits so I'm not saying he never shouts but things really did change and now with our DS2 (now 2) he is totally different and handles things so much better.

It's not easy - I feel for you and I've been there with those arguments. If he's not willing to talk or try other techniques then ultimately it is going impact your relationship.

CatbearAmo · 23/12/2020 06:50

I would absolutely go mental if dh did that. Restraining a child until they calm down, not letting her go to mummy.
Awful.

Pinkfreesias · 23/12/2020 07:04

Your post made me so sad, OP, because a father should exemplify to his daughter how she should expect men to treat her in the future.

He badly needs parenting course or some sort of anger management training. Is he so short tempered with you, too?

IsadoraDuncanDonuts · 23/12/2020 07:29

@MeanMrMustardSeed

Is this totally out of character? I think it’s scary that you can have a child with someone and then find out this about them.
I think, however well you know someone, you don’t know what they will be like as a parent until you try.

I was with my DH for six years before we had kids. Had no clue that he would be so impatient, or that he suddenly would want to be in charge of every decision concerning our DC. Or even that the special Parent Voice he uses would drive me up the wall.

YoniAndGuy · 23/12/2020 07:39

You’ve got to get out.

You know those stories where you think ‘Why didn’t the mum leave and protect them?’ - this is one of the reasons why. When he’s in a good mood/She’s behaving he’s so lovely - no, he isn’t. He’s abusive and you KNOW IT - your last post screams that you know.

Imagine being held down forcibly in bed when trying to get up. Imagine being constantly frightened, stopped from receiving comfort, punished by, on of your primary carers. From day one. Imagine what she’s learning about what family and love and security means.

GET OUT before your child is damaged any more than she already has been. He’s messing up every building block of basic attachment that she should be laying down now as the basis of a secure, well adjusted mentality.

Your child is being abused.

YoniAndGuy · 23/12/2020 07:42

And you. You’re messed up by him too, already. ‘When she’s behaving’ - she’s a BABY. She doesn’t behave, she has no idea HOW to. You know this. It’s instinctive, most people do know it. Apart from controlling wankers to whom every interaction, even with a little 20 month old, is about winning and crushing and intimidating.

YoniAndGuy · 23/12/2020 07:47

Final word. So what do you do?

You go to your HV (If they’re awful, go straight to social services) and you tell then what’s been happening. Don’t sugar coat. The restraining from infancy is particularly horrible. Tell them everything and that you are afraid to stay any longer and you need help to leave. You also go to your GP and get it all on record.

No matter what happens with housing etc you MUST do this as it will be your paper trail in order to argue that he should not have unsupervised access.

It’s possible that there would be no option apart from a refuge, they can be great- but at that point you might have the option of going to family instead etc. But whatever you do, report every detail of his abuse as you will completely regret it later down the line if you don’t.

LouHotel · 23/12/2020 07:56

So he restricted a breastfed baby from feeding, what on earth was his justification?

He is treating a baby like a mini adult, OP I have a very wilful 21 month old compared to her two older sisters but the 18 month to 2 year period was always the sweet part of toddler life. What happens in 9 months when she really hits her stride in tantrums, is he going to upgrade to kicking and punching her because everything you've said suggest he might.

Not many people start out by abusing babies physically but he already is without using his fists so what will be the moment he snaps?

JillofTrades · 23/12/2020 08:01

Op I feel this is abusive. This is absolutely not ok at all. Your dd is a baby!! This is how you create anxiety in a child. Wtf, this man isn't a good man.

OrangeSlices998 · 23/12/2020 08:05

OP your daughter deserves better, him being nice when she’s ‘behaving’ (she’s a BABY!) and a dick when she doesn’t meet his standards is going to fuck her up so much, in ways you don’t even know yet. No child should walk on eggshells around their parents, not knowing what they did wrong or whether they will get love or shouting is abusive. And you staying with him won’t help. You’re showing her what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship, and you both deserve better.

Breastfeedingworries · 23/12/2020 08:10

I’ve felt so uncomfortable reading this thread and scared for your dd. Not all abusers start as early as babyhood, fact he’s been happy to put that strain on her tiny body holding her down makes me feel sick. He’s a seasoned abuser, didn’t care when she was at her most vulnerable. She could of had a seizure, or stopped breathing.

If you do not leave this disgusting waste of the human race anything that happens in the future will be your fault op.

You can contact the council, move away go to a hostel, so he’s supporting you with money? Great he can pay for her funeral! Get out op and get safe for your children’s sake. Sad

CecilyP · 23/12/2020 08:13

Eating dinner he constantly moans, sit forward, eat this, use your fork, don't put your hand in it etc, he expects so much from her and she isn't even 2.

Bloody hell, he has extraordinary expectations of a 20 month old baby; mealtimes must be an absolute nightmare.

Any discussion I initiate just gets shut down with dont tell me what to do or undermine me.

And not content with trying to control the baby, he wants to control you as well. I couldn’t live like this.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 23/12/2020 08:14

That's so sad, poor baby. Sounds crazy 10 years on but my ex was a dick he shouted at my son when he would fall over while still learning to walk (we was outside and he was walking in the snow outside our house). He shouted at my baby and I ended it. Think that was probably the last straw of a long list of stuff though.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 23/12/2020 08:22

ExH stopped me getting to DS when he was crying for me. It was heartbreaking and I remember it 8 years on. Please talk to someone about this. It's not ok

Requinblanc · 23/12/2020 08:43

Your partner has a serious issue...It is not acceptable to treat your kid like this, with anger, shouting and constant instructions on how to behave.

What will he do when you kid grows up a bit and start being even more of a handful?

Frankly I would not trust a man like this with my kid.

I think you know his behaviour is not OK. Talk to him and if he does not accept there is a problem and continues to do this you have a choice to make.

QualityFeet · 23/12/2020 08:47

I find this chilling. He has no understanding of where she is at developmentally. No empathy for her distress and no respect for you. I shudder to think how this ends when she is a tired or hungry or ill older toddler/child having the mother of all tantrums.

YoniAndGuy · 23/12/2020 08:52

So she's 20 months and this is how he is.

He will start hitting her before she is 3, you know that, right?

You won't be there to see it.

Do you already avoid leaving them together alone? If not, you need to start doing so. If he's happy to be this abusive in front of you, you can guarantee she suffers far worse when you're not there.

I hope you can leave for your baby's sake.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 23/12/2020 08:59

DP goes straight in with shouting and trying to reason with her. He'll hold her on his lap when she's crying and tell her she can't get down until she calms down (cue more screaming because she hates being restricted from being able to move) and when she puts her arms out to me because she wants to come to me he won't let her.

Eating dinner he constantly moans, sit forward, eat this, use your fork, don't put your hand in it etc, he expects so much from her and she isn't even 2.

I'd go as far as to say this is abusive. She won't understand a word he's saying all she'll see is her dad shouting for no good reason and keeping her away from her mum. She's a baby. Why on earth does he have these expectations of her?!

PandemicPavolova · 23/12/2020 09:02

Sorry op he sounds like he's not evolved and I agree the holding on the lap sounds utterly disgraceful.

Sorry op I think he needs a parenting course, or you need to do something dramatic to get through to him. Your poor child.

Aprilx · 23/12/2020 09:04

I started to write this yesterday but couldn’t finish it. I am writing as a 50 year old woman who was brought up by a man that sounds something like your DH. The holding on to your daughter to stop her crying in particular reminded me of how he would hit me to stop me from crying. He never understood that this was counterproductive to his aim.

He is going to be physically abusive to your child unless you get out. I was hit (by a 6ft 2 well built man) until the age of 21. Which was the first time my mother ever put herself in between him and me and even she said he tried to kill me. My crime was not putting away the ironing board.

For the majority of the time, my father was very nice too. It doesn’t make the 5% of the time he was abusive ok.

JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson · 23/12/2020 09:05

Get your child away from this man.

PandemicPavolova · 23/12/2020 09:06

Oh god! Unsupervised access!!

Yes op listen to yoni! Get it in writing!