To not want to parent this way?

[Ineedteabags]

It's becoming apparent that me and DP have very different views on discipline and controlling our temper when it comes to dealing with our 20 month old.

I have a previous DC (different partner) so maybe that accounts for something but I have much more patience, in fact i rarely get frustrated/angry with youngest DC as I know tantrums/defiance are normal.
My DP though has literally no fuse, he can come in from work spend 2 mins with dc and if she acts up he goes straight to angry. I'm not saying my way of doing things is the way it has to be done but I find alot of the time ignoring and distracting work much better to calm her down whereas my DP goes straight in with shouting and trying to reason with her. He'll hold her on his lap when she's crying and tell her she can't get down until she calms down (cue more screaming because she hates being restricted from being able to move) and when she puts her arms out to me because she wants to come to me he won't let her.

Eating dinner he constantly moans, sit forward, eat this, use your fork, don't put your hand in it etc, he expects so much from her and she isn't even 2.

I'll admit I'm softer than I should be but I think partly because he's so harsh I feel like if we both go on at her all day all she'll hear is negative.

I tell her no when necessary but I also read the situation and I know if she is tired or hungry etc to distract her and a meltdown will only last minutes, if my DP shouts at her it only escalates.
AIBU to not want him to parent like this?

Any discussion I initiate just gets shut down with dont tell me what to do or undermine me.

You are all right, when he used to hold her down in bed as a baby I told him to give her to me and that he shouldn't be doing that to her. I even tried to take her out of his arms and he would hold on tighter so I couldn't get her. Then he shouted at me that he was the parent too and I couldn't tell him what to do.
I made excuses for him because she was a difficult baby and would scream alot, I thought it would get better and he would learn, but she is a strong willed toddler and is no doubt going to hit the terrible twos hard and I'm petrified of the way he will treat her when she does have a full on tantrum.
I am scared that if I leave him he will then have access to her when I'm not around (which he has very little of as I make sure I dont leave her with him unless its vital) I can't prove the way he treats her, to the outside world he's a doting dad.

My eldest DC has a crap dad who doesnt bother with him and I didn't want history to repeat itself with my DD, I so wanted us to be a happy family and I'm devastated he's shown his true colours like this. If we could at least have a conversation that might be the first step but as soon as I open my mouth he doesn't want to hear it.

Op I've just read your second post, he restrained her as a baby

He needs professional help, there is so much going wrong here.
I'm sorry but because it's not new I agree with the pp, who works in CP.

You are colluding and enabling this abuse because you see it and do nothing.

Your poor child.

Sorry its not a happy family with a man who can't see what's wrong with holding down a baby the fraction of his size and allowing that baby to be a person in her own right with her own wants and needs.

As yoni said, doctors, paper trail... Social service's.

Also you have tried to have a conversation so you have done that.

There is nothing left except leaving him and triggering help.

Did this relationship and pregnancy move very fast by any chance OP?

Listen to YoniandGuy. Go to your health visitor, your GP, social services. Report him and seek help to leave. You can do it. You can get your child out if this awful situation. People will help you.

I've just read your second post. JFC. She was probably a screamy baby because she was terrified of the abusive man holding her down

I'm really not own to parrot LTB but you need to leave as soon as it's safe to do so - and have him be kicked out, stay with your children.

My advice would be to call the police next time he's abusive to her. Don't be afraid of SS intervention they're there to help you. And they can offer so much support. Get out before you both cause long term problems for your DD. And trust me, this will all affect her whole life if it carries on.

Restraining her and telling her her emotional reaction is wrong are totally unacceptable.

Children have to play with food when very young as that is how they learn about taste and texture. Everything she is doing is absolutely typical for her age.

For me, he would have to be willing to educate himself about parenting and child development or he'd be out. This sort of behaviour could be very damaging long term. I had an overly-strict father and it blighted my childhood.

He is damaging her. Don’t collude in it.

You will leave him OP, if not now than later down the line. I’ve been here and left earlier this year. ExH displayed the same behaviours, always shouting, picking at everything DD did, restraining DD when she was trying to get away from him, accusing me of undermining him and being ‘too soft’. I stayed for so long as I was terrified of him having DD alone. Now DD is 5 I’m still anxious but I do think she would be able to tell me if he had done anything which had made her upset. Like your partner, my ex is a doting dad to the outside world. He is a narcissist who loves to appear wonderful to everyone else. I have never received an apology for any of his behaviour and it is always twisted to reflect on me.

DD is a very independent and strong willed child and I love her for it, the difference in her (and me!) since her dad moved out is unbelievable and we are both so much happier. I wish you all the best OP

I couldn't live with that op, he's abusing your child in front of you. It'll get worse as dd gets older.

I hope you have the resources and support to leave because you need to start planning it. Don't wait until he hurts her

Oh my god, this breaks my heart to read. Your poor DD, please get away from this man.

Do none of you ever actually you know, try to resolve situations in your marriages before ltb?

Talk to him OP. Make him read a parenting book. Tell him about child development and what your daughter needs from her parents.

@RosesandPumpkins

Do none of you ever actually you know, try to resolve situations in your marriages before ltb?

Talk to him OP. Make him read a parenting book. Tell him about child development and what your daughter needs from her parents.

Yes but people have limits beyond which a marriage is irredeemable. This limit will be different for different people. If I felt my partner was physically or emotionally abusive for example I wouldn't try to resolve it. I'd leave. From what OP's said it's not clear to me whether her partner is just ignorant or whether he's controlling and nasty if the latter then I'd be out the door.

Op if the only reason you haven’t left is because of fear of access then start gathering evidence. Take legal advice and plan on how to keep you both safe.

Your posts are very disturbing to read, your poor baby. His behaviour is unacceptable and abusive. And you have a duty to protect your child. You're an adult woman with 2 children, you're not helpless or neutral in all this, and while posting on MN is a good first step, you need to do something about this, even if that means leaving.

@RosesandPumpkins

Do none of you ever actually you know, try to resolve situations in your marriages before ltb?

Talk to him OP. Make him read a parenting book. Tell him about child development and what your daughter needs from her parents.

The OP says she has tried to talk to him but he’s not interested. He tells her to be quiet and to not undermine him. She’s tried to take her distressed baby from him and he refused and told her he’s a parent to. He’s not going to listen, he won’t read a book and he won’t goon a parenting course. It sounds like as far as he’s concerned he’s a great parent and entitled to treat his daughter like this. It’s his right as a parent to abuse his child. This isn’t some case of poor communication or differing views on how to decorate the living room.

OP, sounds like the best thing that could happen would be for him to be an absent father. I agree with a pp that it’s better to have one place free from abuse rather than being to subjected to it all the time.

@rosesandpumpkins But op has tried to have a conversation, to discuss it numerous times and he shuts her down.

If op is at the point that she doesn't trust her dh alone with her dd, then she is clearly worried that the child could be harmed.

Oh OP this is awful to read, I'm so sad for you

Luckily we are not married.

I fell pregnant accidentally (was on the pill) at the very start of our relationship. DP wasn't keen on having a baby which in hindsight I wish I'd taken that more into account before setting up home with him.
But I've known him for years as a friend and have never seen him lose his temper or be aggressive.
I don't know if his behaviour is learned from the way he was parented or if it's just the way he thinks he should be.

The more I sit and think about it the more I realise he tries to control nearly every situation with DD. He picked her up earlier and she wanted to get down so he says give me a kiss and then I'll let you go. Even something as innocent as that ends with him getting angry because she doesnt want to be told when to kiss him and wants to get down.
He does it to me too and I have to struggle to get away, there's so many things wrong with our relationship I wouldn't even know where to start this is just the half of it.

Op please leave!! You know it’s the right and safe thing to do. It reads like you have an issue with boundaries. We’re you abused as a child? Do you think what he’s doing isn’t that bad?

The first time someone hurt my child that would be it. She’s your little girl! 💔 these threads really upset me because I just think you won’t leave him.

@Ineedteabags

Luckily we are not married.

I fell pregnant accidentally (was on the pill) at the very start of our relationship. DP wasn't keen on having a baby which in hindsight I wish I'd taken that more into account before setting up home with him.
But I've known him for years as a friend and have never seen him lose his temper or be aggressive.
I don't know if his behaviour is learned from the way he was parented or if it's just the way he thinks he should be.

The more I sit and think about it the more I realise he tries to control nearly every situation with DD. He picked her up earlier and she wanted to get down so he says give me a kiss and then I'll let you go. Even something as innocent as that ends with him getting angry because she doesnt want to be told when to kiss him and wants to get down.
He does it to me too and I have to struggle to get away, there's so many things wrong with our relationship I wouldn't even know where to start this is just the half of it.

OP I am so sorry you’re going through this. If you want to discuss the practicalities of leaving and your choices, then I’d recommend Refuge. They have a 24/7 helpline www.refuge.org.uk/

As someone said above, you’re not passive or an onlooker, you have choices and control and I really urge you to reach out. Are you close to any family or friends you could open up to and potentially stay with?