Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to parent this way?

97 replies

Ineedteabags · 22/12/2020 09:29

It's becoming apparent that me and DP have very different views on discipline and controlling our temper when it comes to dealing with our 20 month old.

I have a previous DC (different partner) so maybe that accounts for something but I have much more patience, in fact i rarely get frustrated/angry with youngest DC as I know tantrums/defiance are normal.
My DP though has literally no fuse, he can come in from work spend 2 mins with dc and if she acts up he goes straight to angry. I'm not saying my way of doing things is the way it has to be done but I find alot of the time ignoring and distracting work much better to calm her down whereas my DP goes straight in with shouting and trying to reason with her. He'll hold her on his lap when she's crying and tell her she can't get down until she calms down (cue more screaming because she hates being restricted from being able to move) and when she puts her arms out to me because she wants to come to me he won't let her.

Eating dinner he constantly moans, sit forward, eat this, use your fork, don't put your hand in it etc, he expects so much from her and she isn't even 2.

I'll admit I'm softer than I should be but I think partly because he's so harsh I feel like if we both go on at her all day all she'll hear is negative.

I tell her no when necessary but I also read the situation and I know if she is tired or hungry etc to distract her and a meltdown will only last minutes, if my DP shouts at her it only escalates.
AIBU to not want him to parent like this?

Any discussion I initiate just gets shut down with dont tell me what to do or undermine me.

OP posts:
SillyOldMummy · 22/12/2020 11:55

Thing is, if you leave him, won't he get access to your DD and you won't be able to control anything when she is with him. I think you are much better off trying to teach him how to parent. There are millions of books on this topic of how children develop and how to discipline. Buy him one. Tell him if you EVER see him using his superior size and strength to intimidate or restrain DD again, you will kick him out. It's abuse. Tell him if he cannot control his temper he can't expect her to behave. Warn him every single time he loses his temper, shouts or is mean or harsh, make him leave the room and if he refuses, silently pick up your DD and go to another room yourself.

Don't argue with him about it. Simple state the situation, demand the behaviour change, and calmly exit the situation.

Until he learns tell him he cannot be alone with DD.

My OH took ages to learn age-appropriate discipline and talked about "breaking" our second child to "avoid all the problems we had with DD1". Idiot. He didn't break the spirit of our second child, he's turned into a proper good parent.

It IS possible to learn.

WorrierorWarrior · 22/12/2020 11:59

This father is horrific. I have no idea why you would want to stay with him or subject your child to him and you should not be allowing him around your other children from a previous relationship. I am talking from experience. He wont stop and he wont change no matter what you do. He has no understanding of life in the present day. He sounds quite Victorian in his attitudes.
He is being cruel and also undermining you. You are an experienced parent you know what you are doing. He may be put out that a wee person is taking your time and attention from him.
Get away from him and stay well away. When it goes to child access tell about how he has no idea about children and how nasty he is. I would not trust the likes of him around any children.

partyatthepalace · 22/12/2020 12:33

Blimey he is being unrealistic and mean - and bonkers.

It sounds like a really difficult situation, but I think you need to sit him down and say quite firmly that he is being totally unrealistic about the behaviour of such a young child. He needs to become more tolerant and realistic - if he can’t, then you will have to reconsider family life.

Someone might have suggestions of parenting books or classes.

PeppermintSoda · 22/12/2020 12:44

Your way is better and it doesn't result in badly behaved kids. It results in calmer, kinder kids as they have been treated with kindness themselves. His way is more likely to result in angry, unkind kids imo

BertieBotts · 22/12/2020 13:21

"Thing is, if you leave him, won't he get access to your DD and you won't be able to control anything when she is with him."

This is a bit of a myth I'm afraid - it's not better to experience abuse in the presence of a non abusive parent. It's better to have a home which is free of abuse. In reality you're not controlling/stopping anything from happening just by being present.

WildfirePonie · 22/12/2020 13:28

Wow.. he sounds awful and abusive.

EerieSilence · 22/12/2020 13:33

He sounds totally horrible. Does he have any redeeming qualities, because he comes across as someone who'd be best to pay child maintenance than actual parent a child.
Does he actually have any feelings toward her? Does he love her? I don't think so.

Duanphen · 22/12/2020 13:58

Major red flags, OP. You've only got to look at the day's headlines, another man beating a small child to death. Men who cannot control their rage and frustration cannot be left around children.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 22/12/2020 14:26

She's only 20 months - she's tiny. You're totally incompatible as parents, and everything you say about him would be a deal-breaker for me, I am afraid.

bruce43mydog · 22/12/2020 14:28

You can't let him parent this way he is trying to control baby that can't talk or understand her own emotions.

If you let him continue his controlling ways your daughter will learn that she can't express how she is feeling and will withdraw into herself.

You need to be your daughters voice and stand up for your daughter. And tell your husband/partner that his way is wrong.

I say his as someone that was completely controlled as a child by my parents. The first few years of life are when we learn who we are.

Your way is right and you are your daughters voice while she is to young.

Make sure your husband knows that you won't let her be parented and controlled in this way. before it's to late.

Original poster
Ineedteabags · 22/12/2020 21:57

To be honest it's not something that's new but I suppose with her age and getting closer to the terrible 2's his temper is becoming more apparent. I can distinctively remember when she was a baby (she wasn't an easy baby, cried alot, woke up a lot in the night etc) he walked out of the room after trying to get her to go back to sleep and said under his breath shut the f**k up.
He tells her to shut up multiple times a day and then tries to cover it if I happen to say anything like I'm only joking or laughs it off.
I didn't realise he was like this before we had her.

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one horrified about the holding her down thing, he's also done that since she was a baby, he'd hold her down in the bed to go back to sleep even though she was clearly trying to sit up and get to me for comfort (breastfeeding to sleep) he doesn't do it at night anymore but will in the day. He gets annoyed that she wont be comforted by him and wants to come to me but how on earth is she supposed to be comforted by somebody who regularly shouts and is aggressive.

I know these are massive red flags but when she is behaving he's great with her and that's probably the only thing that has stopped me leaving so far.
I'm also financially dependent on him now that we've moved in together (previously was on my own working & benefits) but I dont earn enough to be able to move out right now.

I think a parenting course would be an eye opener but I know he wouldn't agree, everything I say is just undermining him as he says.

OP posts:
Dipi79 · 23/12/2020 04:11

FFS, so he has been physically restraining your child since she was a younger baby?! Why on earth are you still with him? This is only going to get worse as your daughter gets older. Stop making excuses for him, grow a backbone and protect your child by leaving.

rottiemum88 · 23/12/2020 04:22

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one horrified about the holding her down thing, he's also done that since she was a baby, he'd hold her down in the bed to go back to sleep even though she was clearly trying to sit up and get to me for comfort (breastfeeding to sleep) he doesn't do it at night anymore but will in the day.

Up until reading this I was half willing to believe he was just a bit clueless and didn't really know what he was doing, but what the hell?! Why are you continuing to watch this happen OP? Your DD is a baby and she needs you to protect her. There are serviced out there that can help you. Forget about the excuses why it isn't a good time to leave. You need to accept any help you can get and get away from this man!

Oreservoir · 23/12/2020 04:26

OP you know this is abuse.
You need to leave and alert ss to his behaviour.

PerveenMistry · 23/12/2020 04:31

He sounds a complete asshole.

PerveenMistry · 23/12/2020 04:32

@rottiemum88

I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one horrified about the holding her down thing, he's also done that since she was a baby, he'd hold her down in the bed to go back to sleep even though she was clearly trying to sit up and get to me for comfort (breastfeeding to sleep) he doesn't do it at night anymore but will in the day.

Up until reading this I was half willing to believe he was just a bit clueless and didn't really know what he was doing, but what the hell?! Why are you continuing to watch this happen OP? Your DD is a baby and she needs you to protect her. There are serviced out there that can help you. Forget about the excuses why it isn't a good time to leave. You need to accept any help you can get and get away from this man!

Agree. It is the height of negligence to allow this child to be abused.

Blacktothepink · 23/12/2020 04:41

He’s an abuser, protect your child.

newname81 · 23/12/2020 04:55

The book how to talk so little kids will listen is fab if you're wanting to go down that route/if you think he'll read it.

FortunesFave · 23/12/2020 05:15

when she is behaving he's great with her and that's probably the only thing that has stopped me leaving so far.

But she IS behaving...all the time! She's a BABY. She doesn't know how to 'behave" she's behaving correctly....so you're setting her up for a childhood of failure and abuse because children are not small adults.

So what if you're dependent financially??? Get in a hostel! Protect your baby!

FestiveStuffing · 23/12/2020 05:20

@RosePetalss

That’s shocking behaviour. Might not be what you want to hear but I would leave a man who did that to his own child.

She is not even 2 you say, can you imagine her growing up with a controlling Dad like that?! Leave now and save your daughter from a child hood of rules and punishment she doesn’t deserve.

Problem is, if he's her dad and they split, she may end up with him 50% of the time with no one else to calm the situation.
FestiveStuffing · 23/12/2020 05:23

I think I'd call the nspcc and see what they advise.

ForkHandlesplease · 23/12/2020 05:26

She is a baby, your child, totally dependent on you for absolutely everything, protect her. He's abusive you are complicit.

Morechocmorechoc · 23/12/2020 05:28

Poor toddler, dont just watch gim hold her go over and take her. Then tell him if he does it again yourr done.

The food thing....you may end up with long term eating problems....not to mention emotional issues.poor kid. You need to seriously grow a back bone and stand up to this bully.

ItisRainingAgain · 23/12/2020 05:41

At best he sounds like he has no clue about what sort of behaviour is age appropriate. He also doesn’t seem to be able to make what should be a very easy leap between working out what his behaviour should be in order to get the parenting outcome he wants, instead he’s reacting childishly instead of like a mature, sensible adult. It’s actually not surprising you say that he shuts you down and refuses to discuss it as that’s essentially what he’s doing with your daughter, shutting her down. I am guessing in your relationship in general his communication is poor too as a healthy relationship is not a dictatorship. He needs to listen, and if he won’t, you need to decide what you are going to do.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2020 05:53

Your partner doesn’t treat your dd as a real person. More like a real live doll, which is misbehaving. He’s holding her down and has been doing since a baby. He could have accidentally killed her already.

You need to get her away from this man now. Right now. Your dd will shortly go through the terrible twos if she isn’t already. Then there are the tween / teenage years, which are even more challenging. He will get worse not better.