Shit life. Is there any way out?

[Wolfie11]

My life is really shit when I actually stop and look at it. I try not to most of the time because I really can’t see a way out but recently it’s just becoming glaringly obvious that I’m in a hole that I don’t think I’ll ever get out of.

I’m nearing 30 and other than my child and my dog, I basically have nothing. I’m a single parent who lives in a council flat. There’s zero possibility of me ever buying a property unless I win the lottery. The flat is pretty run down and shabby. Not horrific but really not great either - I would be really embarrassed to bring anyone in. I try to keep it clean and tidy, the day to day stuff gets done but the extras like cleaning the cooker, windows and stuff gets done once in a blue moon.

I have a beaten up, old car that’s always a bit minging because of the dog. I pay a fortune for it on finance because I have such a terrible credit rating but it probably won’t even survive till it’s paid off. I’m also way behind on the astronomical payments.

My financial situation is diabolical. I have crazy amounts of debt to the point where I couldn’t tell you how much I owe in total or who to. I just ignore it now and rob peter to pay Paul for the ones that won’t go away. I have rent arrears, car arrears, council tax arrears that they arrested my wages for, I haven’t paid for gas and electric properly for god knows how long. Plus all the credit cards/loans etc that I took out when I was younger and even more stupid and in an abusive relationship. I am awful with money and overspend all the time even though I have more going out than coming in. I’ve massively overspent for Christmas, I know it’s pathetic and I end up feeling so ashamed of myself but even if I didn’t overspend I would still be so bloody poor that I end up just thinking “fuck it”. Also when I say overspend I don’t mean buying anything crazy or any luxuries, it’s stuff other people would just take for granted.

My health for my age is awful, probably because my diet is awful and I’m so stressed all the time. I’ve had a weird phobia/issue with fruit and veg since I was a child and basically don’t eat any. My skin is awful, I have dark circles under my eyes, I’m pale, spotty, getting fine lines and wrinkles and starting to look haggard. Im struggling with bad breath too despite good dental hygiene. I’ve never been gorgeous but any looks I did have are rapidly fading. I’m too tall and skinny, I always have been but I’ve always hated it, it’s horrible and so unattractive. I feel like a teenage boy.

I have no routine in my life, I struggle so much to get up in the morning as I sleep so badly and don’t fall asleep till late. I then end up running really late and being so disorganised and stressed. I work and actually enjoy my job a lot of the time but I just feel so useless these days, I’m struggling to be productive and actually be a valuable team member. I’m just an unskilled worker on a pretty low wage but I have to put up with a lot of crap and stress at work too.

I know I’m not a terrible mother but I’m really not all that great either. I spend too much time on my phone (I say as I write this!) and not enough quality time with my son (he’s 8)x. This means in turn he spends too much time looking at screens too. I’m just so drained by the time I finished work and make dinner and do the basics that I just don’t have the energy, mentally or physically.

Not to mention that fact that I have a very successful long term boyfriend (together for years) who moved hundreds of miles away for a career move. I can’t follow him and realistically, he wouldn’t want me to anyway, so we do long distance for now until he’ll meet someone who’s as successful as he is and not completely fucking useless.

I manage to scrape through every day with a smile on my face but it’s getting more and more difficult. I’m spending more time withdrawing on my phone and the only company I enjoy is that of my dog. I’m not asking for solutions, I know this is all of my own doing. I shouldn’t have had my son at such a young age (18), I shouldn’t have been so ridiculously stupid with finances, I should have stuck at school and went to uni and made a career for myself. I wouldn’t care so much that I’m so unattractive if I actually had anything else going for me or something to be proud of. I’ve got no one to blame but myself. I just wanted to rant because I’d be too embarrassed and ashamed to admit to anyone in real life that I’m this much of a failure. I won’t because of my son (and my dog!) but days like today it feels like the best option would be to just walk off a bridge.

I didn’t want to read and run my love.

I think your finances are fixable and will make you feel more in control overall. Can you phone CAB and get all the arrears in one place and start again?

You sound like you are doing a good job holding it together. You are young and your son is growing fast and then you can maybe try to get some further education?

Tomorrow please do one Lucy Wyndham Read workout off you tube first thing. Get control of your day and the rest will follow

I didn’t want to read and run bless you. I don’t have much advice to offer but can I just point out, you have brilliant English and grammar skills! Seems to be rare these days.

I bet you have a lot more going for you as well that perhaps you don’t see yourself.

Do you have friends you can lean on a bit (I know it’s hard right now!)?

You have a boyfriend, a job, a roof over your head and a son. I know (believe me I do know) that it’s easier said than done, but do try to see the good in your life. I promise you, it’s there x

Handholding. You sound very depressed to me - circumstantial and understandable. Antidepressants may well still help you though.

You can change things going forward, it's not as bleak as it all feels right now. If it all feels completely hopeless, that is depression lying to you.

You are young and have a very good chance of building a life you enjoy living. Honestly.

Why can't you formalise your relationship with your boyfriend and follow him and move in with him?

And approach Stepchange and get a proper debt management programme sorted out (actually declaring yourself bankrupt might be the way to go if you owe huge sums)

I don't think you're useless, you have a roof over your head, a son who loves you, a pooch who loves you, a little car and a boyfriend. Most of us have debts too, please don't be embarrassed about those.
I couldn't even tell you when I last cleaned my oven, my 15 year old car is falling to bits and I was made redundant this month.
Is there anyone who you can chat to, as a friend?
I bet your son is so excited for Christmas, he won't be bothered about the windows not being cleaned.
We are all doing our best here, please don't be hard on yourself, I think you're doing ok x

I dont know what to advise but what you're describing would make anyone think it's too big to manage.

Agree with pp about CAB.

Foe the rest of it I think small steps is the way to go. Spend an extra half hour with your DC. Then one day maybe at the weekend make something a bit more healthy. It's not going to solve itself overnight but tackling one thing at a.time may help.

Are you still paying for childcare? If so that will be one less expense in the future.though I know that's probably not a great comfort at.the moment

for you

Posted too soon. I should have added be kind to yourself.

Couldn't not post. A few things you can do ;

Go to Stepchange and sort your finances out - bankruptcy would clear them and as you are a council tenant, won't impact on your home ( which is the only real thing that matters). You'd have a fresh start. Plenty of people have gone bankrupt and are now successful, but take advice from the professionals, not some random on the internet.

Set a bedtime and a wake up time. Make your bed. Do washing and put it away every day.
Tidy up 5 things, or take 5 things to the charity shop.

Take your son off his gadgets and take him for a walk, a coffee and hug him.
Time goes so quickly. The dusting/windows can wait.

If you are feeling strong, go to your GP and say you are feeling overwhelmed. I did and took ADs for one month only. They helped me motivate myself to get the basics back. You can do this.

Sorry you're feeling so awful. It sounds to me that you're so caught up in it all, you can't see the wood for the trees. Berating yourself for the things you have done in the past isn't going to help - you need to look forwards. I think your best bet might be to try and speak to citizens advice about what to do about your debt - perhaps you could get a consolidation loan or plan together? That means being prepared (and brave enough) to take a good look at your paperwork and working out what you owe to whom. Do you have a trusted friend or family member you cpuld enlist to help if the job seems too daunting?

I think once you get that aspect sorted, you might get your sleep sorted and decent sleep casts a whole new light on everything and makes everything seem more possible. It instantly improves your looks too- i honestly think the effects of poor sleep are inderestimated.

With the house situation, lots of people feel the same way! There's no shame in your situaiton and it's difficult working, looking after a child and running a house. Could your son help you a bit? Are there any small jobs you could delegate?

Maybe try and make some small, positive changes to your diet, starting with one thing at a time: more water, trying to introduce one piece of veg etc your diet.

I know what you mean about after work and school, it's tiring. What do you do at weekends? If you're not already, could you try to inide more outdoor activities? Even just walking is good for your physical and mental health.

Bless you OP, things do sound very overwhelming and I can understand why you think “fuck it” with spending on Christmas. Please try to get some help from Stepchange (and be wary of misleading search engine results when you look them up). Just getting your finances under control will make other things much more manageable.

You might not feel great about yourself but to your son and your dog you are their entire world (even if you don’t feel like that). So please get whatever support you can for your son’s sake. A happy life is achievable and you are worthy xx

Firstly: stop beating yourself up.

Secondly: you’ve got a healthy son and a pet dog- things that make you the envy of very many others.

Thirdly: you’ve got time on your side- 30 is still very young. You can fix all this.

Fourthly: take charge. If you hate vegetables then take a multivitamin tablet every day to improve your health and skin. If you won’t eat veg then at least make sure your DS has fruit and veg in the house with meals/snacks so you break the cycle. Google how to introduce more fruit and veg in to your daily routine and meals.

Fifth: you sound very unhappy. See a GP and ask if counselling is an option or if they think you have depression. You can’t battle this alone if you are depressed. It’s a medical condition like any other and you deserve help.

Six: contact StepChange debt charity- they’re amazing and won’t judge. They will make you a debt plan to sort out your car payments and any other debt so it’s manageable.

Seven: you can still go to uni/get a good job if you want one. My DSis is a single Mum who did a college access course to get her maths GCSE equivalent then got in to uni to do a nursing degree- she just graduated and she’s your age. It’s doable. Ring your local colleges and Google what courses you can do without many prior qualifications. See if you can study part time. She lived in a housing association flat too and has now moved in to her own home.

Eight: have more self belief. Your boyfriend clearly likes you if he’s been with you years. There’s no saying he’s going to dump you. Have some faith.

You do sound depressed and the withdrawn comment is worrying. Please do seek help before you become more ill. And set a goal to reduce screen time- eg phones away by 7.30pm and you spend an hour reading, playing with DS or helping him with homework or just watching TV together but with no other screens.

Good luck. You can do this. Ring StepChange and your GP tomorrow.

You sound great and that you have lots to offer. Do you think you might be a little bit depressed? Would be able to introduce some exercise into your daily routine? A 30 minute walk or exercise video. Also a really good multi vitamin may help especially if you have a poor diet. You absolutely can change your finances. I used to think exactly the same as you about spending- I was in so much debt anyway so what was a few extra pounds? However I really did manage to claw my way out and now actuallyhave some savings. There really is a lot of truth in look after the pennies and the pounds take care of themselves. Just saving a couple of quid here and there will all add up. Write down everything you spend, contact legitimate debt helplines and sort out some repayment plans. You can still do enjoyable things. It honestly become quite addictive trying to save money on everything if you can change your mindset. There are opportunities in every workplace but it may he time to look elsewhere if you can't get enthusiastic about your job. Look at training opportunities. Your son is at an age where he will be more and more independent so this really is a time for you. Good luck. You've got this. X

I think a lot of important stuff has been said.

I’d add, as well as taking a vitamin, could you eat the thing that’s easiest for you in terms of fruit or veg, just once a day?

Grapes, apples, cucumber. Just have a bit each day, half the apple if that’s enough. Small steps, big progress.

In terms of screen time, what happens if you put them away, put on your fave tune and just dance? You’ll probably dance another and another..

Best wishes to you.

Op it's clear everything combined is overwhelming you. Please be kind to yourself, at this time of year we all tend to appraise our lives and wonder what we've achieved. You are still so young and have so many opportunities.

PPs have suggested some kind of debt management programme. I think once you have something in place it will take some of the burden off you.

Maybe try and do one activity per week with your ds where you won't both be distracted by phones. A really long walk with your dog then something nice and quick for tea, hot dogs or something else your son would like.

It will feel insurmountable to change lots of things at once so do it in baby steps.

ok so your totally overwhelmed.

the first and only thing you need to do at the moment is get in touch with debt helpline. Pick up the phone tomorrow and make the call.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/persistent-debt-help/?msclkid=7a2d959b7ee3145bdd45ca7a5032344e

You've had some really good practical advice here so I don't have much to add. Except that I can tell by reading your post your a smart girl and most of us made those mistakes when we were younger, but sounds like you haven't had the support to help you deal with the consequences like many do. So please don't give yourself a hard time about that.

Sounds like your confidence and self esteem is really poor but once you start addressing these issues it will improve and your mood and motivation will follow. Write yourself a list of what needs changing and tackle it, little bit at a time.

Keep going, your a mum and managing in these current circumstances is tough so give yourself a break

I didn't want to read and run. I agree with PP regarding Stepchange and potential bankruptcy.

6 years ago I was you with 3 DCs.
Horrendous debt, arrears everywhere, and nothing to call my own.
I spoke to a debt management co and arranged an IVA, and in February I will be debt free.
I now rent a 4 bed detached house privately in a nice area, have a decent car and a tiny bit of disposable income.

You can do this too. You absolutely can, you have to be honest with yourself and the companies you owe money too.
I was 60k in debt when I started.
I'm almost there.

You can get yourself out of this and move forwards x

Look into a debt relief order. It's like a mini bankruptcy for those with debts under something like £20,000. Only costs £90 and you don't have to get court involved. Good luck

The constant worry about money must be awful, get in touch with citizens advice. If you can't afford to pay back your debts they can help look into a debt relief order for you. And maybe book a doctors appt as you sound depressed. There is light at the end of the tunnel you just have to make changes, even if it's little steps at a time.

I agree with pp who have you suggested Stepchange. They helped me so much, it was amazing to have support to help me sort out my debts. They aren’t judgemental at all and they’re a charity so aren’t making a profit out of you.

Good luck, I think posting here was a really positive first step.

You’ve identified all your issues so that’s the first step to dealing with them.
Now go through all your post and for every issue you’ve put down, put down how you intend to improve it.

Get help with your debts.

You are young and have time to make changes. If you regret not studying further, it’s not too late. There are options.

Take your ds out, eat as healthy as you can and take it from there.

Hello. I just wanted to say to definitely talk to Stepchange. I got a debt relief order sorted by them 5 years ago from all the debt I had run up when I was young and had no money skills or knowledge and was living alone with my daughter. They really helped me so much and I'm now rebuilding my credit score and have learnt how to manage money sensibly. Hope this helps

I was in debt like you 4 years ago and I thought I saw no way out. Tbh, if my partner hadn't turned up when he did, I probably wouldn't of been here.

You said you wished you stuck at school?

What would you have liked to do?

What qualifications have you got?

Tbh, I went to uni and it helped me cleared my debt with the student loans and bursaries I got. Its hard work but I know people like you who have got children your age too that's on my course.

To me, OP, you sound lucky. You have a child and a dog. It’s quite hard to read the first sentence of your second paragraph from the point of view of someone who does not have those things you dismiss so casually.

I’m sorry you feel shit. It is really tough and other people’s fortunes certainly don’t stop you from feeling bad. Have you looked at a debt management programme - to help get some control over debts? It sounds as if you feel you don’t have much control over your life so that might start to help a bit. Wishing you well