Shit life. Is there any way out?

[Wolfie11]

My life is really shit when I actually stop and look at it. I try not to most of the time because I really can’t see a way out but recently it’s just becoming glaringly obvious that I’m in a hole that I don’t think I’ll ever get out of.

I’m nearing 30 and other than my child and my dog, I basically have nothing. I’m a single parent who lives in a council flat. There’s zero possibility of me ever buying a property unless I win the lottery. The flat is pretty run down and shabby. Not horrific but really not great either - I would be really embarrassed to bring anyone in. I try to keep it clean and tidy, the day to day stuff gets done but the extras like cleaning the cooker, windows and stuff gets done once in a blue moon.

I have a beaten up, old car that’s always a bit minging because of the dog. I pay a fortune for it on finance because I have such a terrible credit rating but it probably won’t even survive till it’s paid off. I’m also way behind on the astronomical payments.

My financial situation is diabolical. I have crazy amounts of debt to the point where I couldn’t tell you how much I owe in total or who to. I just ignore it now and rob peter to pay Paul for the ones that won’t go away. I have rent arrears, car arrears, council tax arrears that they arrested my wages for, I haven’t paid for gas and electric properly for god knows how long. Plus all the credit cards/loans etc that I took out when I was younger and even more stupid and in an abusive relationship. I am awful with money and overspend all the time even though I have more going out than coming in. I’ve massively overspent for Christmas, I know it’s pathetic and I end up feeling so ashamed of myself but even if I didn’t overspend I would still be so bloody poor that I end up just thinking “fuck it”. Also when I say overspend I don’t mean buying anything crazy or any luxuries, it’s stuff other people would just take for granted.

My health for my age is awful, probably because my diet is awful and I’m so stressed all the time. I’ve had a weird phobia/issue with fruit and veg since I was a child and basically don’t eat any. My skin is awful, I have dark circles under my eyes, I’m pale, spotty, getting fine lines and wrinkles and starting to look haggard. Im struggling with bad breath too despite good dental hygiene. I’ve never been gorgeous but any looks I did have are rapidly fading. I’m too tall and skinny, I always have been but I’ve always hated it, it’s horrible and so unattractive. I feel like a teenage boy.

I have no routine in my life, I struggle so much to get up in the morning as I sleep so badly and don’t fall asleep till late. I then end up running really late and being so disorganised and stressed. I work and actually enjoy my job a lot of the time but I just feel so useless these days, I’m struggling to be productive and actually be a valuable team member. I’m just an unskilled worker on a pretty low wage but I have to put up with a lot of crap and stress at work too.

I know I’m not a terrible mother but I’m really not all that great either. I spend too much time on my phone (I say as I write this!) and not enough quality time with my son (he’s 8)x. This means in turn he spends too much time looking at screens too. I’m just so drained by the time I finished work and make dinner and do the basics that I just don’t have the energy, mentally or physically.

Not to mention that fact that I have a very successful long term boyfriend (together for years) who moved hundreds of miles away for a career move. I can’t follow him and realistically, he wouldn’t want me to anyway, so we do long distance for now until he’ll meet someone who’s as successful as he is and not completely fucking useless.

I manage to scrape through every day with a smile on my face but it’s getting more and more difficult. I’m spending more time withdrawing on my phone and the only company I enjoy is that of my dog. I’m not asking for solutions, I know this is all of my own doing. I shouldn’t have had my son at such a young age (18), I shouldn’t have been so ridiculously stupid with finances, I should have stuck at school and went to uni and made a career for myself. I wouldn’t care so much that I’m so unattractive if I actually had anything else going for me or something to be proud of. I’ve got no one to blame but myself. I just wanted to rant because I’d be too embarrassed and ashamed to admit to anyone in real life that I’m this much of a failure. I won’t because of my son (and my dog!) but days like today it feels like the best option would be to just walk off a bridge.

Really look into bankruptcy OP. Start fresh. When you aren't paying off all those debts you'll be able to afford to fix up your flat a bit. Start prioritising paying your rent, because the last thing you want is to be evicted. Having a council home is secure and cheaper than private - so hang onto it.
Buy vitamins in the supermarket or at Costco. Take 2-3 times the recommended dose because you'll be starting from a deficiency and the NHS recommendations are very conservative.
I know what you mean about phone time. I'm guilty of that. I neglect cleaning too. Put it in a drawer in your bedroom and stick some music on instead. Dance around and get a few things clean each evening.
You sound lovely! And you have a son, a car and a dog! Lots of people would be envio of that.

Have you ever considered inattentive ADD? Several signs such as difficulty keeping track of bills/paperwork, impulsive spending, messy home, sleep problems and always running late point to ADD. Just like autism, ADD often presents very differently in females and the inattentive version has nothing to do with hyperactivity, fidgeting etc. I only found out recently that I have ADD which came as quite a shock. I've always had symptoms of anxiety, phobias, depression, OCD but never enough to qualify for one diagnosis. ADD connected the dots on everything, especially as the biggest symptom is messiness, procrastination and feeling overwhelmed by day-to-day life but that was something I never even thought was a problem because it was "normal" to me.

In a nutshell, your brain gravitates to things that are pleasurable and finds it very difficult to switch focus on things that are boring & repetitive like managing bills, life admin, cleaning up, regular hygiene & health tasks, eating foods that don't taste good etc. People can argue that everyone is like this, however with ADD it becomes a problem because it takes over so many areas of your life. It can also prevent you sticking to a skincare, make-up or exercise routine which drags down self esteem even further.

The good news is that ADD is very treatable, either with medication or just knowing what the problem is. I'm shocked at how many daily things I deal with are caused by ADD so that actually gives me the motivation to tackle them in small steps.

Step change are meant to be amazing.

I know many people OP who've been where you are financially and now their lives are very different- in a good way.
You're so young, you've got so much of your life left. You can do this. Xmas is very stressful, not to mention the pandemic etc.
Try and have a routine. Chat or play a game with your son each day. Eat one piece of fruit a day and have a glass of juice in the morning. Make small changes to begin with.

OP you can drive, that's more than I can do and I'm 39. You're living independently so good for you. I'm back with my mum after a breakup.

Eat some veg and try to get more sleep. You can do this.

I think you sound great: no, your life isn't easy ATM, but you are clearly highly self-aware and even retain the humour to be a wee bit self-deprecating! I'd like to be your friend.

First things first: sort out the cash. I was once where you are now (possibly worse: grey-listed at 23), but it IS doable. Loads of good advice out there: Step Change are excellent and the Money Saving Expert forums are an absolute treasure trove.

Diet/exercise/self-care: tiny wee bit, every day. Shower, brush your teeth, go for a walk. Do a dance in the kitchen as you cook. Just get moving, it will help you feel better.

Get the spray vitamin supplements - most supplements need to be taken with food, I very rarely eat breakfast, so didn't take the supplements, which made me feel worse. Quick scoosh of spray in the morning - job done, next!

Boyfriend: somebody wiser than me will advise.

Mate, you're on the right side of 30 and it is ALL GOOD - keep on keepin' on. Small steps, best of luck.

OP a debt relief order could really help you if your debt is less than £20,000.

Arrange an appointment with your GP for mental health support, and get a full blood panel done to make sure your physical health is okay too. They may be able to advise you on vitamins to take to support your lack of fruit and veg in your diet, or alternative food that can support it. You sound depressed, which is entirely likely considering your circumstances. Your GP can help with this.

You can do this. It will get better. With a plan in place for your debt and health hopefully things will pick up and you will be at a better place to take steps towards a brighter future.

I know it might sounds stupid but you may benefit from writing to-do lists or setting alarms throughout the day to keep you on time. This won't take long to do and you'll feel accomplished if you can tick off something on a list or do something on time.

Be kind to yourself, it's not your fault you're in a tricky situation but you have so much to look forward to. Your little one is lucky to have a mum who's trying her best, and he'll be so proud of you and love you no matter your situation.

Best of luck OP

Step-change are amazing.

I didn't want to read and run...

Sometimes if we stop to look at the whole picture it can be completely overwhelming. I think maybe choose one thing to sort/change. Think of the thing that is bothering you/impacting you the most.

Step change has been mentioned for your finances. Money worries eat away at us and can be all consuming. I think if you had help with this then other things might start to fall into place.

Your exhaustion and sleep pattern are a vicious cycle, often depression can cause this kind of pattern. It might be worth considering going to the doctor for some help to take the edge off. Lack of sleep can make things appear so much worse because you just don't have the energy to deal with even the small stuff.

Have you got some time off over Christmas? Sending hugs 🤗

On the health count - would you drink smoothies?

Honestly, I think you sound lovely.

You never know what the future holds. My life is unrecognisable from 3 years ago. Truly almost everything is different. Started with one change.

Hang in there x

Oh Wolfie you sound a lot like me. I had my son's young and live in a shitty small council flat and have a minimum wage job. I don't have a car but I do have a boyfriend who is very intelligent and successful when I dropped out after 9th grade.

That stuff isn't all that important though. Managing your debt is one of the biggest things that will help you feel better. I was also in an abusive relationship with my children's father and we never had money because he would spend it on drugs and gambling. It made me almost compulsive about savings. See a financial counsellor who might be able to help you make a plan and consolidate your debts. Once you have something to work towards things get a lot easier.

Try to do something small every day that you enjoy. It doesn't matter what it is, go for a walk with your son and dog, take a bath, listen to music. Just something to make you smile. Also you have a long list of things that are pretty rough right now and rightly so but try to look for the good things in your life too. You have a beautiful son, a puppy, a boyfriend. You are young enough to improve your health and don't have the burden of being over weight. You feel unfeminine but lots of people think tall and slim is the ideal. It is easy to get caught in a cycle of negativity but it is good to try to counteract that.

I would say a lot of people are and have been where you are. You’re young, you have a child and you’re working so you have a lot to be grateful for. It’s easy to only see the negatives when you’re feeling down or depressed with your lot in life. You have loads of time to build yourself up and get out of debt and your general situation.
As another poster stated, your spelling, grammar and punctuation is very good. Have you thought about returning to study/retraining.
Education is the key and it’s never too late. Many years ago, I re-took A-Levels whilst 7 months pregnant and went into Higher Education when DC1 was 3. I was also a single parent and working PT. No real support network and initially got into debt juggling education and childcare costs. I have unsupportive parents with a history of DV. I felt like I was on my own during my teen years, left home too young and my relationship with my parents is not ideal. I was NC with my Father for several years until recently.

I grew up in social housing and also lived in social housing as an independent adult. I’ve had several crappy cars and been in debt, although I’m very good managing money.

Upping sticks and moving in with your bf may not be a good idea right now, as you need to do what’s best for you and your child. IMO, relying on a man to sweep you up and change your life is not the way to go. And maybe the relationship isn’t quite ready for that type of commitment yet?
He moved away for work. Fine, but did he ask you to go with him?

I have a long-term partner who also struggled with me and we had two more kids along the way. We now live well (although cars are not important, we have/had nice cars, own property and businesses (DP) and are well-travelled, etc) due to ambition, hard work and perseverance.

Can you manage without a car?
We’re currently sharing one car as I started a new job local to home in March and will be WFH for the foreseeable. Got rid of the additional car costs as my car lease came to an end at end of March. School is local. Doing school runs via bike and foot is also a good form of exercise and good for the mind. Collect your thoughts whilst walking by yourself in the open air.

Like you, I struggle with retiring to bed at a decent time and have to drag myself out of bed most mornings. My fault; I’m a night owl, too much to do and not enough hours in the day. I’m working on it!

Please don’t give up. You seem like a likeable person. Try new recipes that incorporate basic vegetables. Try eating a piece of fruit every other day. You also need to strive to be an example to your child, as they are watching you. This is a really crap time for everyone. Even though we are not on the breadline, things have taken a dive for us re. the future of DP’s businesses.

Be kind to yourself and don’t give up 💐

Thank you so much for replying. I burst into tears when I realised that people had not only bothered to read my rubbish but also actually understand how I feel. I am just completely overwhelmed, this isn’t how I want to live my life but it’s so hard to see a way out when I look at everything as a whole.

My son and my dog mean to the world to me, I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for them, they keep me going. I do go for walks daily (they are one of the only things I enjoy these days) and my son comes at the weekend so we are getting fresh air and exercise but in the house I know I need to do more with him. I need to be more present. I think I will try to even have half an hour to an hour each evening where we do something together. As much as I am awful with fruit and veg, he is actually great, that’s one area I haven’t fucked up in, thankfully!

I have heard good things about step change in the past. My only concern about bankruptcy would be the possibility of losing my car as I can’t get public transport to work but maybe a complete change is what I should be looking at anyway. I think I will give them a call tomorrow to have a chat anyway and look at getting figures and paperwork together over the holidays. The posters saying that they were in similar situations and are now out of them give me hope. I could kick myself that I didn’t grow a set and do something about these issues 5 years ago. I could be debt free or have a degree now but instead I’m in a worse position in every way.

I would like to get some qualifications and have something of my own to feel proud of. I’d also like to increase my earning ability and I would think that maybe this route would be the best way to do that. I don’t have any qualifications at the moment bar GCSEs and one A level . I think realistically I would like to be a veterinary nurse or a paramedic but I’m not sure how doable that would be. I want my son to be proud of me, I want to be a good role model for him so he doesn’t get himself into the same hole I have.

I just want there to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I probably am depressed at the moment, I’m definitely feeling very down and very alone/hopeless. If I could start to crawl out of this hole then maybe I would feel a little better.

Just writing it down here and all of your advice has made me feel a bit better. I’m going to get some vitamins tomorrow and drink a glass of orange juice in the morning as a bit of a start along with hopefully forcing myself to get up early and get in the shower. Thank you for not making me feel more worthless than I already do - good to know there are still nice people in the world.

Little steps at a time. Make a list of all the things you've written here and next to it all the things you can influence. However small. Commit to making one small change ot action a week. So for example week 1 might be to research some healthy new budget recipes. Week 2 might be to review your finances. Week 3 might be to make the first finance action on your list. Of course it's overwhelming as it is, but break it down and don't expect overnight changes and it will feel less daunting. Promise yourself that by next NYE you will have made some progress to moving your life closer to what you want.

You can absolutely do this. And days when you think you can't, look at your list and remind yourself of the small achievements so far.

Wishing you all the best, 2021 can be your year x

Ahhhh give yourself a break- you had a baby at 18 and you've held it together. I couldn't have done that. I'm 20 years older than you and was in a worse position than you are in when I was your age. I'm very successful now. Life is long, it sounds like you're on the turnaround bit xxx

OP try these

Water. Drink as much water as you possibly can, all day every day. Cut out fizzy drinks and junk food as much as possible and try to reduce your caffeine intake.

Put your god damn phone down. The blue light will fuck your sleep pattern. .

Multivitamin. Get to boots and get a half decent one and start taking it.

That sounds like a good start OP.

Any bit of progress is progress. Took me a long time to learn that, I was a bit unrealistic when I had to sort my life out.

Awww I’m welling up.
I got into Uni with GCSE’s and one A-Level as a mature student.
I forgot to mention: write down your plans, goals and aspirations and make daily To-Do Lists (even to just to remember to buy milk/bread).
Definitely contact a debt advice organisation as loads of people have suggested.
As long as your car safely gets you from A to B, it doesn’t matter what it looks like. And you’re doing better than me there as I do not have my own car at the moment lol (which is fine by me as I’m saving loads of money!)

Also, try taking unnecessary unused purchases back and get refunds if you can. It’s such a relief when you see the money back into your account.

And I second the vitamins advice. Even if they are from Aldi/Lidl. I’ve been shopping at Aldi/Lidl for 20+ years as the quality and price points are good. I love a bargain and will always watch the pennies regardless of my/our income.
You’ve got this!
I’m off to bed! 😉 x

It’s funny how often the toxicity in our lives is self inflicted. Poor sleep patterns, poor diet, poor career choices. All of those things are down to you OP, if you really want out of this hole you’re in, you need to start climbing yourself because no one will winch you out.

Just to add - talk to the council about your rent arrears. Tell them about your situation - you'll probably find that as long as they know you aren't trying to pull a fast one, they will be fine with you.

Child, secure housing, job, dog, boyfriend car...

All good. Very good, in fact.

I really think that eating better would make a huge difference. Multivitamin as others have suggested for immediate easy action - but can you do something about the fruit and veg? Talk to your GP about phobia or food issue, or at least start with self help books?

The other big thing, massive thing, is getting a plan sorted for your debt and emotional spending. The good news is, there’s an amazing amount of support - and legal options to reduce debt - out there. As well as Stepchange, get over to MSE website Debt Free Wannabe. Understanding, non judgemental - and debt levels that will stop you feeling alone. Best of all - LOTS of success stories.

Longer term think about what you want with your partner and whether the gap will close. Don't leave it up to him, you can take charge and make a decision on what's best for you. Though Id probably put that to one side for the moment and focus on what's in front of you. Small steps - vitamins, make a start on debt advice.

I very much understand how you feel. I felt trapped in my life for a long time. There are things you have that I wish I had (a flat, a car and the ability to drive it!). I reached a bit of a rock bottom place mentally and now have began making my small steps. There is a way out for both of us, and we can get there.

Oh and this is a bit random but my diet isn't great either and my skin was suffering for it. I bought evening primrose oil to take for pms, it actually made me crazily hormonal so I stopped taking it. I've started bursting the pills open and use the oil on my face. I've really noticed an improvement on my skin. It's part of my night time routine now, I only get the cheap ones from boots. It makes me feel good anyway. Sorry this is not quite relevant to the whole thread but small things like this do help my overall mood!

Because you are feeling down, you are looking at every single bad thing and focusing in on each one, and then adding a few more. Because your brain is reinforcing your belief that it's all shit and always will be.

So just from what I remember from your post I'm going to list the fantastic and positive things in your life.

1. You have a lovely little boy who you love and want to do your best for.
2. Your ds loves you
3. You have a dog who you clearly love and who I'm sure adores you too.
4. You have a boyfriend. More love there...
5. You are getting some lovely friendly and articulate words of advice and encouragement on mumsnet. Because you are

(6) skilled at expressing yourself

1. Every day you go for a walk and enjoy it.
2. You are probably on the brink of making some changes that will help you feel better
3. Small changes can make big differences to how we feel, and you can do at least one tomorrow.

10. You are still really young and you already manage a child, a home, a dog, a job. Maybe you could pause and just congratulate yourself for some of the things you are achieving.

One small change suggestion for tomorrow: even if you're tired, after work and school, take your son and dog for a 15-minute walk round the block and give people's Christmas lights marks out of ten.

The more you can focus on the small pleasures to be found, the more your brain starts to actually look for the good things, and you start to feel better, which in turn makes your thoughts more helpful. And then change will start to happen, one tiny step at a time.

You'll be ok. Nothing has to be perfect. You'll make small changes and build on them. Taking action always feels better than letting your thoughts keep going round.
And you have already taken action by making this post. So you've started. Give yourself credit for that