Shit life. Is there any way out?

[Wolfie11]

My life is really shit when I actually stop and look at it. I try not to most of the time because I really can’t see a way out but recently it’s just becoming glaringly obvious that I’m in a hole that I don’t think I’ll ever get out of.

I’m nearing 30 and other than my child and my dog, I basically have nothing. I’m a single parent who lives in a council flat. There’s zero possibility of me ever buying a property unless I win the lottery. The flat is pretty run down and shabby. Not horrific but really not great either - I would be really embarrassed to bring anyone in. I try to keep it clean and tidy, the day to day stuff gets done but the extras like cleaning the cooker, windows and stuff gets done once in a blue moon.

I have a beaten up, old car that’s always a bit minging because of the dog. I pay a fortune for it on finance because I have such a terrible credit rating but it probably won’t even survive till it’s paid off. I’m also way behind on the astronomical payments.

My financial situation is diabolical. I have crazy amounts of debt to the point where I couldn’t tell you how much I owe in total or who to. I just ignore it now and rob peter to pay Paul for the ones that won’t go away. I have rent arrears, car arrears, council tax arrears that they arrested my wages for, I haven’t paid for gas and electric properly for god knows how long. Plus all the credit cards/loans etc that I took out when I was younger and even more stupid and in an abusive relationship. I am awful with money and overspend all the time even though I have more going out than coming in. I’ve massively overspent for Christmas, I know it’s pathetic and I end up feeling so ashamed of myself but even if I didn’t overspend I would still be so bloody poor that I end up just thinking “fuck it”. Also when I say overspend I don’t mean buying anything crazy or any luxuries, it’s stuff other people would just take for granted.

My health for my age is awful, probably because my diet is awful and I’m so stressed all the time. I’ve had a weird phobia/issue with fruit and veg since I was a child and basically don’t eat any. My skin is awful, I have dark circles under my eyes, I’m pale, spotty, getting fine lines and wrinkles and starting to look haggard. Im struggling with bad breath too despite good dental hygiene. I’ve never been gorgeous but any looks I did have are rapidly fading. I’m too tall and skinny, I always have been but I’ve always hated it, it’s horrible and so unattractive. I feel like a teenage boy.

I have no routine in my life, I struggle so much to get up in the morning as I sleep so badly and don’t fall asleep till late. I then end up running really late and being so disorganised and stressed. I work and actually enjoy my job a lot of the time but I just feel so useless these days, I’m struggling to be productive and actually be a valuable team member. I’m just an unskilled worker on a pretty low wage but I have to put up with a lot of crap and stress at work too.

I know I’m not a terrible mother but I’m really not all that great either. I spend too much time on my phone (I say as I write this!) and not enough quality time with my son (he’s 8)x. This means in turn he spends too much time looking at screens too. I’m just so drained by the time I finished work and make dinner and do the basics that I just don’t have the energy, mentally or physically.

Not to mention that fact that I have a very successful long term boyfriend (together for years) who moved hundreds of miles away for a career move. I can’t follow him and realistically, he wouldn’t want me to anyway, so we do long distance for now until he’ll meet someone who’s as successful as he is and not completely fucking useless.

I manage to scrape through every day with a smile on my face but it’s getting more and more difficult. I’m spending more time withdrawing on my phone and the only company I enjoy is that of my dog. I’m not asking for solutions, I know this is all of my own doing. I shouldn’t have had my son at such a young age (18), I shouldn’t have been so ridiculously stupid with finances, I should have stuck at school and went to uni and made a career for myself. I wouldn’t care so much that I’m so unattractive if I actually had anything else going for me or something to be proud of. I’ve got no one to blame but myself. I just wanted to rant because I’d be too embarrassed and ashamed to admit to anyone in real life that I’m this much of a failure. I won’t because of my son (and my dog!) but days like today it feels like the best option would be to just walk off a bridge.

Oh OP, I just want to give you a hug and a cup of tea!

You've had such good suggestions on here - StepChange and making some small changes to improve your health especially.

The only thing I would add is that if you want to just spend time chatting with your son, something like this could be a useful resource childhood101.com/printable-conversation-cards/ If you scroll down there are cards with topics for children to spark discussion. It can help if you're trying to cut down on his (and your!) screen time because it gives you both a different thing to focus on.

Hi Op, was just thinking about you and hoping you had a good Christmas. Wishing you and your son all the best.

Hi OP. Like @TheAirbender. I’m hoping you had a lovely Christmas and are still feeling positive about things moving forward.

You absolutely can turn this around. Best wishes

Sorry for the slow reply. We had a lovely Christmas, thank you for checking. We watched The Grinch on Christmas Eve, opened presents on Christmas morning, baked Christmas cookies and had a lovely walk with DDog before DS went to his dads. I went to my brothers house and had a great dinner and unexpectedly got some really nice presents. How was everyone else’s Christmas? It was really nice of you to ask.

Before Christmas I managed to call my car company and discuss a way to get on top of my arrears whilst keeping my car. They have put a hold on the account for a few weeks so I can get back to them with an income and expenditure and then we can make a plan. I’ve been looking at the step change website and the money saving expert one. I’m going to do a budget over the next few days and work out where I can cut costs and be more careful with money. After the holidays I’m going to contact Stepchange to see what my options are. Still have a knot in my stomach whenever I think about it but I can’t keep burying my head in the sand.

I had a nice, quiet day where I took the dog for a long walk, did a bit of housework and went for a long bath with some new candles. Now watching Harry Potter with chocolates and have a new book to take to bed. I think it would make a massive difference to my life/mental health if I could start getting to bed earlier and getting up earlier, so along with dealing with finances, that’s where I’m going to try and start. Plus doing one thing a day with DS like board game/movie/painting etc where I will put my phone on silent and in the drawer. I also loved the link someone posted about things to chat to your kids about, I’ll definitely use that.

Thanks for all the advice and kind words, writing everything down here made me feel so much better. I’ve never felt so low as when I wrote that post.

Also, just to add, I am 27. I will be 28 in a few months time and DS will be 9 very, very soon if that helps clear up any confusion about my age.

Glad you had a nice Christmas :)

What helped me with a goal of going to bed on time was sort of setting myself a "bedtime routine" a bit like you would for a toddler! I looked at the barriers that prevent me from going to bed (or noticing the time at all!):

• Being engrossed in a really long and complicated thread reply
• Watching "just one more episode" of a TV show, or watching an episode and then spending 40 mins afterwards trawling the net for reviews of that episode to share my thoughts
• Playing any kind of "just one more" game - Civilisation, any kind of "management" (e.g. theme hospital, rimworld) etc.
• Getting emotionally invested in talking to someone.

I then set a reminder on Google calendar. This now pops up at 10pm on my phone and computer. The reminder says it's the start of Wind Down Time. I am usually on my computer, so what I do when I get the note that it's wind down time is tell myself "I'll be right back", and walk to the kitchen. I make myself a hot drink - tea or hot chocolate. While I'm waiting for the kettle or microwave, I decide whether to go back to my computer and spend that last hour there, or whether I want to go to bed and read, or play my guitar, or do something creative instead. I remind myself that it's my last chance today to do these things. I don't any more, but I used to also have a quick shower at this point - it meant I didn't need one in the morning and I had short hair so the hour would give it time to dry before I went to bed.

If I decided to go back to the computer, I switched my spotify playlist from whatever I was listening to to one I created specifically for the purpose called "wind down". It doesn't contain anything stirring or energetic, just relaxed calming music that I like. If I had the ability to, I would also switch to cosy lighting rather than the bright overhead light.

I allow myself to finish an episode of TV I've already started, but I won't start any new ones, even 30 minute ones. I close down any time-stealing games. I avoid threads I'm tempted to write essays in response to, or if I really want to respond I put a short note saying I'll be back in the morning. I click away from threads I feel that I'll become emotionally invested in waiting for an immediate response - if it's a stranger, somebody else probably has actual free time and emotional energy to spend on that. The only exception to this is if it's a close friend/family member who is in crisis, I will break my bedtime routine for that because it's important to me, but I had to be honest with myself about emotional energy I was expending on complete strangers (who might even turn out to be trolls anyway!)

The result of all this is that I'm fairly aware of and keeping an eye on the time, I'm not getting lost in things I can't easily stop, my drink is running out, and by the time it gets close to 11 I am actually sleepy and ready to turn off the computer anyway.

I will never be a morning person, but buying a cafetiere (cheap on amazon or at ikea!) and nice ground coffee and breakfast I look forward to (at the moment, porridge with frozen berries and honey) helps stir me out of bed, and a big fluffy dressing gown means that I don't dread so much leaving the warmth of my duvet.

Your honesty is a rare and brilliant thing that many folks will relate to. Recognise your talent for writing, do a blog, do a writing course and write girl.

All of this is easily fixable and others have already given you great advice. Don't give up, you could still easily become a vet nurse or paramedic, it will just take time. You aren't going to achieve it overnight but nor did anyone in those jobs.

Definitely speak to someone about finances. That can be fixed, it just feels impossible right now. Maybe they can consolidate it into an easier repayment.

Write down everything you spend money on bills wise on a piece of paper, food, electric, gas rent, everything that is a NEED. Anything leftover, you SAVE. No options, you don't buy clothes, toys etc be very strict with yourself. Unless it becomes a need like new shoes for your son or whatever, it's a want and it's not for buying.

On your house, do one thing a day so it's not overwhelming. Put a film on for your son and clean the oven. That's one big job done for the day and that's it, done and you can relax. Do another job you've been putting off the next day. It doesn't need to all be done in one go and you will feel massively better once even one job is done. It will boost your self esteem.

It sounds like you've done a fab job with your son, you should be proud of that. Dare yourself to eat the same things as him, have a competition with him on who can eat the most vegetables. Make it fun, not a chore.

You are doing well, your boyfriend will know that too, that's why he is with you. Please don't feel down about yourself, you can do this.

@Wolfie11 you come across as very intelligent. I have every faith you will become a paramedic or vet.
Please come back to mumsnet in a few years time and update us!
Small steps will make big changes. Wishing you all the best.