Shit life. Is there any way out?

[Wolfie11]

My life is really shit when I actually stop and look at it. I try not to most of the time because I really can’t see a way out but recently it’s just becoming glaringly obvious that I’m in a hole that I don’t think I’ll ever get out of.

I’m nearing 30 and other than my child and my dog, I basically have nothing. I’m a single parent who lives in a council flat. There’s zero possibility of me ever buying a property unless I win the lottery. The flat is pretty run down and shabby. Not horrific but really not great either - I would be really embarrassed to bring anyone in. I try to keep it clean and tidy, the day to day stuff gets done but the extras like cleaning the cooker, windows and stuff gets done once in a blue moon.

I have a beaten up, old car that’s always a bit minging because of the dog. I pay a fortune for it on finance because I have such a terrible credit rating but it probably won’t even survive till it’s paid off. I’m also way behind on the astronomical payments.

My financial situation is diabolical. I have crazy amounts of debt to the point where I couldn’t tell you how much I owe in total or who to. I just ignore it now and rob peter to pay Paul for the ones that won’t go away. I have rent arrears, car arrears, council tax arrears that they arrested my wages for, I haven’t paid for gas and electric properly for god knows how long. Plus all the credit cards/loans etc that I took out when I was younger and even more stupid and in an abusive relationship. I am awful with money and overspend all the time even though I have more going out than coming in. I’ve massively overspent for Christmas, I know it’s pathetic and I end up feeling so ashamed of myself but even if I didn’t overspend I would still be so bloody poor that I end up just thinking “fuck it”. Also when I say overspend I don’t mean buying anything crazy or any luxuries, it’s stuff other people would just take for granted.

My health for my age is awful, probably because my diet is awful and I’m so stressed all the time. I’ve had a weird phobia/issue with fruit and veg since I was a child and basically don’t eat any. My skin is awful, I have dark circles under my eyes, I’m pale, spotty, getting fine lines and wrinkles and starting to look haggard. Im struggling with bad breath too despite good dental hygiene. I’ve never been gorgeous but any looks I did have are rapidly fading. I’m too tall and skinny, I always have been but I’ve always hated it, it’s horrible and so unattractive. I feel like a teenage boy.

I have no routine in my life, I struggle so much to get up in the morning as I sleep so badly and don’t fall asleep till late. I then end up running really late and being so disorganised and stressed. I work and actually enjoy my job a lot of the time but I just feel so useless these days, I’m struggling to be productive and actually be a valuable team member. I’m just an unskilled worker on a pretty low wage but I have to put up with a lot of crap and stress at work too.

I know I’m not a terrible mother but I’m really not all that great either. I spend too much time on my phone (I say as I write this!) and not enough quality time with my son (he’s 8)x. This means in turn he spends too much time looking at screens too. I’m just so drained by the time I finished work and make dinner and do the basics that I just don’t have the energy, mentally or physically.

Not to mention that fact that I have a very successful long term boyfriend (together for years) who moved hundreds of miles away for a career move. I can’t follow him and realistically, he wouldn’t want me to anyway, so we do long distance for now until he’ll meet someone who’s as successful as he is and not completely fucking useless.

I manage to scrape through every day with a smile on my face but it’s getting more and more difficult. I’m spending more time withdrawing on my phone and the only company I enjoy is that of my dog. I’m not asking for solutions, I know this is all of my own doing. I shouldn’t have had my son at such a young age (18), I shouldn’t have been so ridiculously stupid with finances, I should have stuck at school and went to uni and made a career for myself. I wouldn’t care so much that I’m so unattractive if I actually had anything else going for me or something to be proud of. I’ve got no one to blame but myself. I just wanted to rant because I’d be too embarrassed and ashamed to admit to anyone in real life that I’m this much of a failure. I won’t because of my son (and my dog!) but days like today it feels like the best option would be to just walk off a bridge.

Oh bless you! You’ve had such amazing advice but you have sooooo much going for you, you really do! I hope some of this amazing advice helps. Big hugs!

I didn't want to read and run. I just wanted to say I'm a single mum and I relate to a lot of what you've written. You do sound depressed but you are so astute, articulate and kind and I think you sound wonderful TBH. You can only really do one thing at a time, and that's hard sometimes when you want to wave a magic wand and fix everything. But if you keep on taking those small steps things will change and you will look back one day and realise your life has changed out of all recognition, in really good ways. You've had great advice on this thread which I won't add to, except to say be gentle to yourself, and have an un-mumsnetty hug from me.

This post has really upset me. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Believe me when I say so many people have debts like this, they just probably would never admit to it.

There is a brilliant company called Step change who can help you. Try to write what you can down, and call them. It'll reduce your minimum payments and figure out a plan for you.

I would start taking a multivitamin of some sort, you can get them dirt cheap in a chemist 😊

Finally, I do think you're depressed. I can guarantee your son probably thinks you are the best person in the whole entire world despite what you say. The fact you've acknowledged that you don't spend any proper time with him is now your chance to start, ditch your phone, play with him, read with him, laugh with him, I always say my children are my medicine. They make me feel better instantly.

Merry Christmas OP, make it your goal in 2021 to get on track with your debts, and spend more time with your little boy. Once you have some sort of plan in place I bet you'll feel a whole lot better.
Take care x

You need to see yourself with kinder eyes. You are a survivor, the fact you are still there taking care of your son, working and raising him with so many difficulties shows that you are doing much better than you think.

One step at a time, as a single mum I found not having a routine a killer. If I am not out of bed abd out of the house by 9 I am likely to spend the rest of the day in pijamas, which in turn makes me feel as a looser and as if I am wasting my life by the end of the day.

I do believe that changing your environment helps you find not only peace but the time and energy to do other stuff. Have you heard of Flylady? She has a flybabies program that helps you organise your day, then your finances, and your life by devoting only15 minutes a day for a month. It is worth trying and may give you the structure you need to organise other pressing stuff, like contacting people who may help you manage your debt, etc.

You are feeling so hopeless OP - I'm sorry. The other posters have given brilliant advice. Look at Stepchange, small diet improvements etc. The only thing I would add is don't be deflated if some days you feel less optimistic than others as you start to make changes. That is natural - don't let it take you off track. Change can take time but small steps lead to big changes over time. Think about yourself 5 years from now. What would you wish you had just done now, so the 5 years in the future version of yourself would be glad you did. It's easy to coast along and not change stuff and then look back with regret. Taking small steps now will change your life :-)

I know that debt collectors can't take leased cars...maybe it's the same with bankruptcy? If it's your route to work? Check the legal things....they will know at Citizen's Advice Bureau. .

I don't know what other advice people have given you but I was just impressed by how negative you are about yourself. That is a very bad habit to get into and you can turn it around by thinking positively about yourself. At first you won't believe it because you are used to the negative version but I'm sure it is more true than you are capable of thinking at the moment.

Wolfie11 I bet you didn't realise how impressive you are until you posted tonight
Sometimes it takes a bunch of internet randoms to let you know just how blooming well you're managing!
Really good, sound, kind advice from everyone...none of those infamous MN vipers anywhere.
Just one little quibble from me...you're not nearly 30..by my reckoning you're 26 - still in your mid 20s!

Masses of time yet to do whatever ...life is long...the best is yet to be

How if your son is 8 and you had him at 18 can you be almost 30?

First of all, I would 100% apply for bankruptcy in your situation. It's an underused service. Get rid of the debt and feel freer

Do one extra thing a day to sorting your hone, your debt or your health. Break it down and it won't seem overwhelming. Use all the support you can get like the suggestions on here re Stepchange, GP etc. Focus on what you have achieved each day instead of what you haven't. Make a plan with your son regarding healthy eating and less screen time for you both and encourage each other. You can get educated at any age, never too late. You are doing better than you think: you've got this !

A previous poster mentioned inattentive ADD - I wanted to pick up on this, because I have also struggled with this all my life and when I was at my worst place it sounded very much like where you are now. I also had no idea that ADHD could be behind it - I just thought that was something hyperactive boys who struggled with violence and sitting still had. Not so - it affects girls/women/adults very differently and there are lesser known profiles of it which don't include the hyperactive element.

BTW if your son was born when you were 18 and is only 8 you're hardly nearing 30! Mid twenties was when I had my crunch point as well. Recovery from abusive relationship(s) (And childhood?) and poor nutrition will also take more out of you than you would expect.

These are the ADD red flags for me in your post:

Intelligent/articulate (you clearly are) yet disrupted/unfinished education. Often we get to around GCSE/A level and then the support from teachers drops away and you're expected to be more independent and it just doesn't work, because you haven't been able to develop the time managament, organisation and prioritisation skills other people have automatically learned through the years. (Other red flags here: Always doing homework at the last possible minute, not really studying for exams but getting good grades anyway, doing better on exams than coursework)

Teenage pregnancy. Often due to being easily persuaded (esp by a manipulative/emotionally abusive partner, perhaps significantly older) or by being reckless/lax with contraception, even though you're sensible/intelligent enough to understand how it works.

Addictive behaviour/unable to detach from screens - check.

Financial issues that have slowly got worse and worse until they are completely overwhelming - check.

Struggle with keeping to a routine - check.

Drained by basic tasks - check.

It is also very possible that things like having low energy and that all feeding into a cycle is simply a result of poor sleep and nutrition, and once you sort these out, the other things will become easier.

I agree with some PPs that antidepressants may help you to do this. It would be a good second step (your first step is to make an appointment with a debt help charity).

BUT - if you find yourself struggling again after an initial push to make change, if you find the changes impossible to make, if you manage to change one or two things, but don't notice a difference in overall energy and motivation levels - consider adult ADHD (especially inattentive type). It can be such a barrier, especially if you get stuck in the trap of thinking it must all be to do with bad habits and not fixing those habits is your own fault so you don't deserve help. Not true.

Op, you are still so so young. Lots of time and opportunity to change your life! Other posters have given better advice than I could but I absolutely did not have my shit together at 30, but I’m about getting there at 42. Keep going and please, please be kind to yourself x

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I think this time of the year always has this affect on people. It's dark, the weather is rubbish and now we've got the pandemic and brexit looming. It's hard not to feel anything other than depressed right now.
NHS Talking therapies
mental-health resources

Get in touch with CAP, Christians against poverty, they are a brilliant debt advice service run by the church. There's no hidden agenda to convert, their sole aim is to help you out of debt.
capuk.org/

Money saving expert is another useful finance website, have a look.
www.moneysavingexpert.com/

Check that you're on the best deals for utilities, mobile providers etc. Swapping can save you money. Can you move any credit card debts to a zero interest card?

Do you receive maintenance for your child and if not, can you put a claim in for CMS?

Open University might be free or subsidised for those on benefits. Do enquire because registration for courses starting in Feb ends on 14th January. It's not too late to turn your life around & the open University course can fit around your schedule.
www.open.ac.uk/

Re self care, just do small steps like taking the dog out for regular, longer walks. Drink more water and have a multivitamin while slowly overhauling your diet. When I wasn't working, I'd go to my local college training salon and get beauty & hair treatments done by final year students cheaply. A new hairstyle & basic manicure always helps with your self confidence.

There are lots of free keep fit videos on the Internet that you could try. Joe Wicks has uploaded all his free PE videos from the 1st lockdown onto his YouTube channel.

I had about £20k of debt for years, I was always paying but it just didn't go down. I'm in my 40's now and much better off. Being in your twenties to be honest my finances were shit in my twenties. I'm doing well now, just keep plugging in.

@Jackabobbo

Oh and this is a bit random but my diet isn't great either and my skin was suffering for it. I bought evening primrose oil to take for pms, it actually made me crazily hormonal so I stopped taking it. I've started bursting the pills open and use the oil on my face. I've really noticed an improvement on my skin. It's part of my night time routine now, I only get the cheap ones from boots. It makes me feel good anyway. Sorry this is not quite relevant to the whole thread but small things like this do help my overall mood!

Actually, it is kinda relevant, and very good advice! Something small that can be done easily, and show a positive change in a short time, will make OP (or anyone) feel better, and will encourage more lifestyle changes and further steps in the right direction. Domino effect, or maybe snowball effect?

Anyway, along with all the other great advice on here,
I really like this one... baby steps at first really do help
with motivation.

n.b.
I'll be digging out my EPO bottle right after I post this!

Good for you Wolfie. You come across from this thread as smart and emotionally intelligent. You are doing brilliantly to have a job and a happy DC and dog.

You are going to climb out of this.

Sort the debt consolidation first.

What lovely advice from other posters. We probably all take something away from this as to what we could do better...

Sorry to read youre feeling like this. Do you think going back to study might give you more purpose and kick start a new career? Also you can start exercising even if it's just a short run to begin with. As others have mentioned, reach out StepChange. You are still young if you had your DS at 18, you have plenty time to turn this around

Take small steps
Get some financial advice I mean down to the most realistic way to live sense.
Your diet is now able to be more varied
I think get yourself out of a rut or a depressed state I mean this nicely by writing down and what steps you can make to improve each area.
I think making your house a home the best you can.
Limit your phone,
Take your child to the park and watch them interact
Limit what you take onboard at work
Be Teflon let it roll off you
Avoid the gossips
When your in a shit feeling place I say
This is temporary
Relieve that debt and you can move towards a few nice items for your house
I remember hearing Gratitude and thinking what. It does help.
Broaden your circle of people
Your child's only small for so long.
Having your son young is actually no bad thing what age is right!
Limit your phone. Seek help and look outside your box to make steps to improve your life. Bond with your son he needs you and no money can buy that.
Houses are out of reach for many we have to make do. Make sure your health is ok
Once you sort finances and many stuff up at a young age debt and cards..
set a goal,
Make a change and you can do it especially when your looking into those little eyes you produced a special little person. Men well don't ask me
Window cleanings for every other day
Work on your priorities Bugger the windows.

I OP.

Things are really shit for you at the moment, so anyone would be feeling overwhelmed and depressed. My god, I was there too at your age, and just thinking back to it now and the awful relentless of it all, is bringing up tears for you.

Hang in there. You are so young and I promise you life won't always be like this.

The best advice you've had on here is Stepchange. It will transform your life. You will regain control over your biggest problem. You may have made poor financial choices in the past. Make a good choice now by seeking out their help. Once you have taken a bit of control over your life, it will massively help your mental health. The relief will feel better than anything. You will gradually be able to start working on other things. One step at a time though, dont overwhelm yourself even more. Getting a plan in place for your debts is your priority.

All the best.

Will reply properly later but ALL of this is fixable. I've been there and worn the trousers and got through and now am financially sound with my own home. Got to go to work now but will reply later.

Aww OP you've had some fab advice here. You sound so down on yourself, yet you are doing so much more than you realise - raising a happy, loved child.
Plus, you have a dog! I'd love a dog but can't have one at the moment, unfortunately.

I think get some debt advice, up your exercise and the sleep pattern will settle, which will help immensely with how you view things.
Try just putting some music on and dancing with your DS, it will be good fun and get your endorphins flowing. 🙂

You are so articulate, you should definitely look into further education; you are right to say you want to be a good role model for your son.

Just change one thing every day to how you do it normally. Just one different thing each day.

And come back and update us with what you've done. 🙂

@Wolfie11

Thank you so much for replying. I burst into tears when I realised that people had not only bothered to read my rubbish but also actually understand how I feel. I am just completely overwhelmed, this isn’t how I want to live my life but it’s so hard to see a way out when I look at everything as a whole.

My son and my dog mean to the world to me, I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for them, they keep me going. I do go for walks daily (they are one of the only things I enjoy these days) and my son comes at the weekend so we are getting fresh air and exercise but in the house I know I need to do more with him. I need to be more present. I think I will try to even have half an hour to an hour each evening where we do something together. As much as I am awful with fruit and veg, he is actually great, that’s one area I haven’t fucked up in, thankfully!

I have heard good things about step change in the past. My only concern about bankruptcy would be the possibility of losing my car as I can’t get public transport to work but maybe a complete change is what I should be looking at anyway. I think I will give them a call tomorrow to have a chat anyway and look at getting figures and paperwork together over the holidays. The posters saying that they were in similar situations and are now out of them give me hope. I could kick myself that I didn’t grow a set and do something about these issues 5 years ago. I could be debt free or have a degree now but instead I’m in a worse position in every way.

I would like to get some qualifications and have something of my own to feel proud of. I’d also like to increase my earning ability and I would think that maybe this route would be the best way to do that. I don’t have any qualifications at the moment bar GCSEs and one A level . I think realistically I would like to be a veterinary nurse or a paramedic but I’m not sure how doable that would be. I want my son to be proud of me, I want to be a good role model for him so he doesn’t get himself into the same hole I have.

I just want there to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I probably am depressed at the moment, I’m definitely feeling very down and very alone/hopeless. If I could start to crawl out of this hole then maybe I would feel a little better.

Just writing it down here and all of your advice has made me feel a bit better. I’m going to get some vitamins tomorrow and drink a glass of orange juice in the morning as a bit of a start along with hopefully forcing myself to get up early and get in the shower. Thank you for not making me feel more worthless than I already do - good to know there are still nice people in the world.

You can keep your car when you get a debt relief order as long as it's valued under something like £1000, step change can advise you. You'll feel so much better after ringing them! Good luck!

@PolkadotGiraffe

How if your son is 8 and you had him at 18 can you be almost 30?

Maybe she was nearly 19 when she had him, he’s nearly 9, so she’s nearly 28. That’s ‘almost thirty’ if you’re feeling down about how much you’ve achieved. Or maybe 26 is also nearly 30 if you’re following the the same thinking. Or maybe she changed his age by a year to not get spotted by a real life friend.

You’ve had a lot of good advice already so I won’t repeat what’s been said. I had 2 DC at a young age and when I was older than you I did an access course and went to uni. By the age of 40 I was established in my career and earning good money. Not super high like some people on MN! But certainly more than I ever thought I would. I’m still in social housing and that’s ok. People in the uk are a bit obsessed with home ownership but it’s not the be all and end all. Once I had some disposable income I decorated it all, bought some nice furniture pieces etc and it’s a lovely home now. Plus I don’t have to worry about major maintenance. I need a new roof and won’t have to pay a penny for it. SH gives you security. Think very carefully before you ever give that up.

Your life as it is today, is not how it will be forever. You can do this.