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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my son was forgotten in the secret Santa

99 replies

Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 13:47

I have a close group of friends who have know each other for about 20 years. Over the last couple of years we all reached a point where we started to have babies so there are now 8 kids.
We decided this year as alot of them to do a secret Santa so all the kids would get something from the group.
I offered to do the online drawing of names. Before I did it I asked if we were going per household or per child. I have 2 in my house so was happy to buy 2 gifts. The other 2 households with 2 kids both said yes it was a good way to do it so that all the kids got their own gift.

We had our zoom catch up and everyone had their books but none arrived for my youngest, as it was all chaotic with young children no one noticed. I got very irrationally upset by this probably because it's his first Christmas so just feeling emotional.
One of the 2 kid households only bought 1 present. This friend is someone I used to be really close to but we had a bit of a falling out a few years ago and were just not as close as we used to be. I dont know if this was intentional or accidental so would you just forget about it or call out the friend?

YABU - forget about it
YANBU - sand a polite text reminding her that the two children households needed to buy 2 gifts to make it fair.

OP posts:
Brighterthansunflowers · 21/12/2020 13:49

It’s shitty of your friend. But if it’s his first Christmas he has no idea what’s happened , so I would only mention it if you’re happy to have another falling out with this person.

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 21/12/2020 13:51

If it's your child's first Christmas then he is too young to notice. I think you should let it go. It's a busy time of year, 2020 has been horrid.

Im all for giving everyone a lot of leeway at the moment.

littlejalapeno · 21/12/2020 13:52

I would send a message asking if his gift was on the way

LIZS · 21/12/2020 13:53

Are you sure it was deliberate? Did you specify x and y in your draw or just surname and assume she remembered both?

Diverseduvet · 21/12/2020 13:54

I could never ask, that would be embarssing. Forget it and see what happens next year.

SockDrawer · 21/12/2020 13:54

I would say something like “just letting you know I haven’t forgotten to thank you for [name]’s present - It’s just that it hasn’t arrived yet but don’t worry, we’re keeping an eye on the post and will let you know when it’s here safely.”

Original poster
Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 13:57

@liz
I specified the kids names so each child would be giving 1 gift.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 13:59

The general consensus seems to be forget about it. I know I should and I know my baby doesnt have a clue what's going on so it diesnt really matter.

I dont know if it was intentional or accidental which is why I was leaning towards just forgetting about it.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 21/12/2020 14:00

just send an email out to everyone to say you didn't get x's present yet, so could whoever sent check it has been dispatched etc.

HighSpecWhistle · 21/12/2020 14:02

The method was discussed and agreed. So I would let her know she's missed a present.

MRC20 · 21/12/2020 14:04

Act as if you're worried about a missing parcel in mail (that may well have happened). Send a message asking if his present is showing as delayed as it hasn't arrived yet so it may need to be chased.

MRC20 · 21/12/2020 14:07

Tbh I wouldn't let it go as people have suggested. It's his first Christmas (whether he remembers or not), you've organised it for everyone and each child was supposed to get a gift. There again I tend not to care whether I upset people 😜

BillysMyBunny · 21/12/2020 14:09

How old is your youngest and how old are the other kids? If all the other kids are of a similar age and your baby is a lot younger I guess it may have been that whoever bought the gift didn’t think the baby was being included.

How was the secret Santa drawn out? Was it clear the baby was included, Eg: Billy & Bobby Smith buy for Ella and Eva Jones or was it less clear Eg: Jones family buy for Smith family?

HayJkl · 21/12/2020 14:10

I would send a message saying that he didn't receive his gift. It might have been an accident.

Original poster
Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 14:11

I know its not delayed in the mail. My older ones is delayed in the mail and that has been discussed in the what's app group and nothing was ever said about the youngest ones.
We weren't very secretive about it so we all said who had bought what so anything said in the group what's app would be clearly aimed at her which is why I dont think it's a good idea.
The only option would be a private message but I'm not sure it's a good idea.
I think I just came on here to rant without the risk of blowing up friendship groups.
I know it's stupid and just a 5 pound kids book but I feel a bit hurt over her being a bit thoughtless. But mostly probably just a bit sad about the crapness of Christmas this year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 14:14

@BillysMyBunny
It was drawn as Joe get Sam and Sam gets isabel ......
There were 4 babies born in 2019 ( hes one of these) and 1 in 2020 so he is the same age as alot of them.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 21/12/2020 14:14

but its perfectly possible that the younger one's book was bought and delayed (but they don't know as not tracked)

Whether it's deliberate or accidental, it still needs mentioning.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/12/2020 14:15

No! You may know because of the lack of commentary about it. But nobody has said there is no present on the way.

Push the issues. Ask the question in the group. Framing it as a query about the post is a perfectly normal way of doing things.

Stop being a push over, being polite on someone elses behalf! Someone is being parsimonious and Christmas just isn't like that - unless the actually are Scrooge or the Grinch!

NewLockdownNewMe · 21/12/2020 14:17

I think I’d say something like “it’s unfortunate that x’s present has been delayed, Royal Mail really are struggling aren’t they” or similar. Whether it was purposeful or accidental it gives them a way to fix it and save face. It’s not worth causing mega angst over, but I do think people take the piss with secret Santa so I wouldn’t leave it.

We had a big family Christmas a few years ago. One person forgot to buy the one present they were due to bring. I’m sure it was entirely accidental, it was also shitty and made the non-recipient feel embarrassed.

momtoboys · 21/12/2020 14:19

following

VetiverAndLavender · 21/12/2020 14:20

I'd be annoyed. You've bought two gifts, so your children should each receive gifts. It's not a lot of money, but it's still unfair. (I hate Secret Santa. Someone always ends up disappointed.)

KitKatastrophe · 21/12/2020 14:20

I would probably say something like "thanks secret Santa for DS1s present, he loves it! I hope DS2s arrives in time for Christmas, so annoying about all the post delays at the moment. Luckily he is only little so hasn't noticed Smile"

But obviously it depends on your friendship group and whether that would get people backs up - I know with my friends a message like this wouldnt cause offense.

KitKatastrophe · 21/12/2020 14:21

@VetiverAndLavender

I'd be annoyed. You've bought two gifts, so your children should each receive gifts. It's not a lot of money, but it's still unfair. (I hate Secret Santa. Someone always ends up disappointed.)
I agree, I dislike SS for the same reason. This year I unfortunately got a gift I will never use, from someone I thought knew me quite well.
notdaddycool · 21/12/2020 14:21

Kids get so much stuff at Christmas, one less secret santa isn't the end of the world. Maybe next year just offer to do the draw saying don't want X to be forgotten again. Say nothing now unless you want to fall out with the group.

Chocolate4me · 21/12/2020 14:21

Nope rant away on here but don't bring it up, if it were me, I'd end up regretting saying something as I'd be worried about causing an issue etc. So more worry than the previous issue!

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