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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my son was forgotten in the secret Santa

99 replies

Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 13:47

I have a close group of friends who have know each other for about 20 years. Over the last couple of years we all reached a point where we started to have babies so there are now 8 kids.
We decided this year as alot of them to do a secret Santa so all the kids would get something from the group.
I offered to do the online drawing of names. Before I did it I asked if we were going per household or per child. I have 2 in my house so was happy to buy 2 gifts. The other 2 households with 2 kids both said yes it was a good way to do it so that all the kids got their own gift.

We had our zoom catch up and everyone had their books but none arrived for my youngest, as it was all chaotic with young children no one noticed. I got very irrationally upset by this probably because it's his first Christmas so just feeling emotional.
One of the 2 kid households only bought 1 present. This friend is someone I used to be really close to but we had a bit of a falling out a few years ago and were just not as close as we used to be. I dont know if this was intentional or accidental so would you just forget about it or call out the friend?

YABU - forget about it
YANBU - sand a polite text reminding her that the two children households needed to buy 2 gifts to make it fair.

OP posts:

Kaliorphic · 21/12/2020 15:39

I would just say, did you send DC a present? Its not a problem if you didn't, but as we were doing gifts per household this year, I'm just checking whether you did send it or not in case it got lost in the post.

ZaraW · 21/12/2020 15:43

[quote tootesuite]@ZaraW i think you're tending towards being passive.[/quote]
Let it go, I don't agree with you. Get over it.

twinklespells · 21/12/2020 15:46

I would send her a separate message and ask if she has managed to put it in the post yet. I wouldn't 'get over it'. She might have forgotten, it could be an innocent mistake, but you'll feel shitty about it and will not have given her the chance to repair the situation.

ImPrincessAurora · 21/12/2020 15:47

I would mention it. Your child didn’t get a gift and yet you brought 2 and both of her children did.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/12/2020 15:51

I'd ask the question - as posters have said, you don't know for certain what has gone wrong, so act innocent and ask as though you have no idea!

Hopefully someone's conscience will kick in and they'll sort it out, even if it's late. And if not, then don't agree to it again next year.

IHateCoronavirus · 21/12/2020 15:55

I would mention it. Better to get it off your chest than let it dwell. A simple DC’s present hadn’t arrived yet, can you track it, would be perfectly acceptable.

burnoutbabe · 21/12/2020 16:09

would anyone actually think someone petty/passive aggressive if they mentioned that x's gift hadn't arrived yet in the group chat? i can't imagine why anyone would think that. Surely you would just think "oh did I have to get x, nope, I didn't, not my problem"

Lalliella · 21/12/2020 16:16

Like other PPs who’ve said this - I would mention it along the lines of “I hope whoever is getting X’s present doesn’t think I’m being rude by not saying thank you, I think it must be delayed in the post”

tootesuite · 21/12/2020 16:20

@ZaraW

Let it go, I don't agree with you. Get over it.

Er, you're the one who @'d me?! Why send posts to posters if you're just going to nasty? You've proven my point, people who tell people to 'let it go' online are actually rude themselves.

Get a grip and grow up. I won't be responding to any more of your inane chatter.

MrsWombat · 21/12/2020 16:20

Just say in the group chat:

X's present hasn't arrived yet. (Did it come via Hermes?! ) Eldest is looking forward to helping open it with his. Hopefully it's on it's way. Is anyone else missing a present too?

Job done.

WeAllHaveWings · 21/12/2020 16:21

You have no idea if she decided not to buy, has genuinely forgotten or if it is in the post, but you are jumping to the worse conclusion.

Let he know it hasnt arrived, she might want to know!

Lexilooo · 21/12/2020 16:31

I'd act as if you haven't check who got your DS2. Send a group message saying "I'm not sure who got DS2 in the secret Santa but his gift hasn't arrived yet. I guess it is a postal issue, but I didn't want you to think we were being ungrateful for not thanking you"

Gives them chance to put things right if it is a genuine mistake or a genuine postal issue.

Bibidy · 21/12/2020 16:38

@Kaliorphic

Yep I would do this.

I'm so sure it wasn't on purpose as she'd have no reason to do that, so she's either forgotten or it's lost in the post.

Bibidy · 21/12/2020 16:39

@Lexilooo

Gives them chance to put things right if it is a genuine mistake or a genuine postal issue.

OMG perfect plan. OP, defo do this.

Wearywithteens · 21/12/2020 16:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Carolofthebellies · 21/12/2020 16:55

I would send a message asking if his gift was on the way

Really? To humiliate yourself?

Carolofthebellies · 21/12/2020 16:57

You have no idea if she decided not to buy, has genuinely forgotten or if it is in the post, but you are jumping to the worse conclusion.

Let he know it hasnt arrived, she might want to know!

This

burnoutbabe · 21/12/2020 17:00

@Carolofthebellies

I would send a message asking if his gift was on the way

Really? To humiliate yourself?

i really can't see why that is humiliating?

AryaStarkWolf · 21/12/2020 17:09

At least he's just a baby and he won't realise, you can mention it without it becoming a big issue though, surely? Why would it cause an argument?

Carolofthebellies · 21/12/2020 18:47

I really can't see why that is humiliating?

I just can't imagine myself asking about the present. Maybe if it wasnt a friend then I would ask but with a friend it's a bit awkway. In any case, it is probably a good idea to ask in case the present has been lost.

Carolofthebellies · 21/12/2020 18:48

awkward

Nottherealslimshady · 21/12/2020 18:56

It's not about of the kid knows. You know that you bought presents on the agreement they would be reciprocated. Someone has received presents and not reciprocated.

If you can see who got assigned your child hen send them a message and just say "hiya, Sam's secret Santa present hasn't arrived yet, saw on the website you got his name so just wondered when you posted it so I know if its delayed/lost. Cheers :)"

You're not being rude to expect a gift, it's literally the whole point of secret santas.

WhereamI88 · 21/12/2020 21:17

Let it go and use it as a lesson to never enter into these things ever again. So many things go wrong with Secret Santa, it's a chore only some people enjoy, just drop it. You will look really petty for the sake of £5 (although I'd be pissed off about it too, I'm not saying you're wrong to be annoyed but it's one of those things you just let go). Secret Santa for a bunch of babies is a bit of a daft idea anyway.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 22/12/2020 08:00

If she didn’t do it intentionally, leave it alone!

It takes two to cause a row. You have said your baby won’t know, but you just want her ‘called out’ on principle.

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