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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my son was forgotten in the secret Santa

99 replies

Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 13:47

I have a close group of friends who have know each other for about 20 years. Over the last couple of years we all reached a point where we started to have babies so there are now 8 kids.
We decided this year as alot of them to do a secret Santa so all the kids would get something from the group.
I offered to do the online drawing of names. Before I did it I asked if we were going per household or per child. I have 2 in my house so was happy to buy 2 gifts. The other 2 households with 2 kids both said yes it was a good way to do it so that all the kids got their own gift.

We had our zoom catch up and everyone had their books but none arrived for my youngest, as it was all chaotic with young children no one noticed. I got very irrationally upset by this probably because it's his first Christmas so just feeling emotional.
One of the 2 kid households only bought 1 present. This friend is someone I used to be really close to but we had a bit of a falling out a few years ago and were just not as close as we used to be. I dont know if this was intentional or accidental so would you just forget about it or call out the friend?

YABU - forget about it
YANBU - sand a polite text reminding her that the two children households needed to buy 2 gifts to make it fair.

OP posts:

CatholicKidston · 21/12/2020 15:11

Just forget it and don't take part in secret Santa with them again.

Tal45 · 21/12/2020 15:12

I would just message her and say 'Hi, just to let you know X's book didn't arrive yet unfortunately :-( do you think it might just have been delayed?' I think it's a bit weird not to mention it at all, for all you know she might go 'OMG I'm so sorry I completely forgot to post it' (maybe this is wishful thinking on my part but you never know!). Anyway I'd just let her know that it hasn't arrived, I don't see why that should cause any problems, she was after all supposed to send it. x

tootesuite · 21/12/2020 15:17

'Hi, just to let you know X's book didn't arrive yet unfortunately :-( do you think it might just have been delayed?'

Yes, I like this. She may lie and say she posted it, but you would have made your point.

QueenoftheAir · 21/12/2020 15:17

I'd let it go, but I'd now be quite wary of that friend, and put some distance in the friendship.

Brunt0n · 21/12/2020 15:18

How do you know she was the one who was supposed to buy for your youngest? You said her two kids received gifts from two different people - yours could be the same no? I would just put a general message saying ‘I think DC2s is stuck in the postal delays but lucky he’s too little to notice :)’ and give people a chance to either say ‘oh has it not arrived? I posted it on X date’ or think ‘shit! I forgot!’ And order something now?

tootesuite · 21/12/2020 15:21

I would just put a general message saying ‘I think DC2s is stuck in the postal delays but lucky he’s too little to notice smile’ and give people a chance to either say ‘oh has it not arrived? I posted it on X date’ or think ‘shit! I forgot!’ And order something now?

Ooh I like this. The threat of public humiliation (sort of) will help.

stovetopespresso · 21/12/2020 15:23

just heard on the radio something called the 10-10-10 method, this was in relation to decision making but might work here: how would you feel about this in 10 days, 10 months and 10 years time? imo friendship needs to ride the course and people change a lot, anything could happen, loyalty counts....I would probably let it go of I could

ZaraW · 21/12/2020 15:24

It's really not a big deal. YABU.

Lipz · 21/12/2020 15:25

Jaysus this is confusing, a secret santa for kids where one hasn't gotten anything. But all the adults know who is sending their kid a book and you know there's nothing on the way.

If you know your child has been purposely left out just say it on the group chat and say your kid didn't get anything. I REALLY don't see an issue in saying it to everyone, you're only saying /asking.

ZaraW · 21/12/2020 15:26

@tootesuite

Ooh I like this. The threat of public humiliation (sort of) will help.

I wouldn't it sounds petty and passive aggressive.

tootesuite · 21/12/2020 15:27

I wouldn't it sounds petty and passive aggressive.

Nope, that would be a leaving out a child from Secret Santa because you fell out their mum.

rookgizzardpie · 21/12/2020 15:28

YABU. He’s a baby, he won’t know or care

Original poster

Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 15:30

The fall out is more why I'm less inclined to call her out she is the type of person who would be pissed off at being called out. I dont think she did it intentionally.

OP posts:

ancientgran · 21/12/2020 15:31

I hate Secret Santa. Someone always ends up disappointed. Happens so often. I stopped joining in at work, it can be hurtful.

wheretonow123 · 21/12/2020 15:31

I would say something like "X's present hasnt arrived - has it been delayed or was it forgotten?"

Original poster

Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 15:32

@bruntOn as the organiser you can go in and check who has who. These websites are set up to account for mix ups so they can give the organiser the lists.

OP posts:

Lipz · 21/12/2020 15:32

@Aimee1987

The fall out is more why I'm less inclined to call her out she is the type of person who would be pissed off at being called out. I dont think she did it intentionally.

So you think she just forgot and didn't do it purposely? Then I'd leave it.

Canwecancel2020 · 21/12/2020 15:32

I’d let it go (and find something in my random present cupboard if you thought your older child would notice/be bothered) people have a lot on their plates and Royal Mail really up against it too, it’s not going to get to you in time for Christmas and you’ll just make the person feel bad.

ZaraW · 21/12/2020 15:32

@tootesuite

I wouldn't it sounds petty and passive aggressive.

Nope, that would be a leaving out a child from Secret Santa because you fell out their mum.

The OP doesn't know if its intentional or an accident. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Canwecancel2020 · 21/12/2020 15:33

But does sound unnecessarily complicated to me

tootesuite · 21/12/2020 15:33

@ZaraW i think you're tending towards being passive.

Canwecancel2020 · 21/12/2020 15:33

Maybe a lucky dip of a 10 pack from the book people would be easier in future?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 21/12/2020 15:35

Honestly...just talk to her!

“Heya.. a little awkward here to ask, but did you send #2’s book? It didn’t arrive with #1’s book”

So much beating around the bush and passive aggressive hinting.

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 21/12/2020 15:36

I'd say something in the group chat otherwise you'll always be thinking this and it'll fester and ruin the friendship.

Maybe 'can I just double check who got xx please? Their book hasn't arrived yet and just want to see if I should be tracking it. Feel free to PM me.'

Nonamesavail · 21/12/2020 15:38

I wouldn't say anything.

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