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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my son was forgotten in the secret Santa

99 replies

Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 13:47

I have a close group of friends who have know each other for about 20 years. Over the last couple of years we all reached a point where we started to have babies so there are now 8 kids.
We decided this year as alot of them to do a secret Santa so all the kids would get something from the group.
I offered to do the online drawing of names. Before I did it I asked if we were going per household or per child. I have 2 in my house so was happy to buy 2 gifts. The other 2 households with 2 kids both said yes it was a good way to do it so that all the kids got their own gift.

We had our zoom catch up and everyone had their books but none arrived for my youngest, as it was all chaotic with young children no one noticed. I got very irrationally upset by this probably because it's his first Christmas so just feeling emotional.
One of the 2 kid households only bought 1 present. This friend is someone I used to be really close to but we had a bit of a falling out a few years ago and were just not as close as we used to be. I dont know if this was intentional or accidental so would you just forget about it or call out the friend?

YABU - forget about it
YANBU - sand a polite text reminding her that the two children households needed to buy 2 gifts to make it fair.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 21/12/2020 14:22

Babies dont need presents 🤦‍♀️

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 21/12/2020 14:22

If your relationship with that friend is already strained, would it be worth mentioning it to one of the others so they could subtly remind her that she's not mentioned BabyAimee and that a gift would be expected?

I wouldn't chase it up if it was me but I think this is going to fester with you and if it's been an oversight or a mail issue, it would be better for you to know.

BillysMyBunny · 21/12/2020 14:24

In that case if your youngest is the same age as several of the other babies and the secret Santa lots were clear that he should get a gift then I would definitely raise it.

Chloemol · 21/12/2020 14:26

Sorry if all the kids apart from yours have a present it doesn’t matter how old your child is, they didn’t get anything and ones the same age did

I would just post on t s group, oops forgot to mention xx didn’t arrive, could you just let me know when to expect it

Original poster

Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 14:26

@TheCrowsHaveEyes
I have asked one of our communal friends what she thinks.
I worry I'm being pretty but she specifically said its fairer for each kid to get 1 and the whole thing was her idea in the first place.

OP posts:

Mydogissnooring · 21/12/2020 14:34

I’d say something like ’I don’t know if there was a misunderstanding as xx was the only one who didn’t receive anything? Oh well, lucky he is too young to notice..’

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 21/12/2020 14:37

Yes, it would be fairer.
Yes the person should have put in two books.

But as you yourself say, you are mostly generally upset about the crapness of Christmas this year. I doubt the person meant it as a personal slight, so why feel hurt?

And you 1 year old really will not know or notice.

It is a £5 book.

You will look petty if you raise it. And she won't be able to send it before Christmas now, anyway.

CheetasOnFajitas · 21/12/2020 14:37

When you were doing the opening, did you not go round each child opening individually (with Mums opening on behalf of infants?).
Just curious how it wasn’t obvious then.
Too late to call out now. I’d just leave because the impact is not significant but be extra clear on the rules if you do the same next year.

Barmyfarmy · 21/12/2020 14:37

OP just raise it with her in a sneaky way. Say you were just wondering if DS's gift was delayed and that you didn't want to draw attention to it during the call. You will resent her even slightly if this goes unanswered. Life is too short to have shit friends who let down your kids.

Brieminewine · 21/12/2020 14:37

You should definitely mention it! I’d just send a casual message to the group chat, something like ‘thanks so much for DC1 gift it’s arrived safely, still nothing for DC2 fingers crossed it arrives before Christmas 🎅🏼‘

Coyoacan · 21/12/2020 14:38

My philosophy is that life is so complicated at the moment, I have no emotion left for feeling upset about small things.

1forAll74 · 21/12/2020 14:39

It's just a trite problem, to add on to the many Christmas problems right now.

Circumlocutious · 21/12/2020 14:39

It might up eventually. If you draw names next year, I be tempted to say ‘let’s do one gift per household only since my youngest DC missed out last year’

M4J4 · 21/12/2020 14:40

Op, you need to tell her now or this will annoy you for ages.

Stand up for your sin and get his pressie!

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/12/2020 14:41

@KitKatastrophe

I would probably say something like "thanks secret Santa for DS1s present, he loves it! I hope DS2s arrives in time for Christmas, so annoying about all the post delays at the moment. Luckily he is only little so hasn't noticed

But obviously it depends on your friendship group and whether that would get people backs up - I know with my friends a message like this wouldnt cause offense.

I would say something like this, it's not accusatory and gives the donor a get out of jail free card (in the form of an opportunity to blame Royal Mail and get another present sent asap) if it has been overlooked.

It's irrelevant that OP's second child is a baby, the arrangement is a present for each child, so he shouldn't be excluded. OP kept to her side of the bargain by buying two gifts, it's only fair.

Meowchickameowmeow · 21/12/2020 14:47

Why oh why do people arrange this kind of thing, it always ends badly with someone's nose well and truly out of joint.
Do you have presents for your son? Is he old enough to care?
Let it go and forget about it. It doesn't need mentioning or passive-aggressive digs throwing around.

SarahShamsa · 21/12/2020 14:48

YANBU.
I would be annoyed at this situation.
I'd message this friend and ask if the second gift is on the way. Do not open the subject with an accusation. Just ask if the second gift is on the way or even, "ohh we haven't received the second gift yet, have you got a tracking number so I can keep an eye on it?"

MasterBeth · 21/12/2020 14:54

Let it go.

Mydogissnooring · 21/12/2020 14:55

If it was me who had forgotten I would rather someone told me, in a nice way, as soon as possible so that I could do something about it. I’d hate for a friend to think I did it on purpose.

Eddielzzard · 21/12/2020 14:55

I wouldn't let this go. It's not about whether your DC knows or not. It's a really shit thing to do and she should be called on it. If it's a mistake, it can be rectified. If it's intentional, she needs to own it.

I like SockDrawer's text: “just letting you know I haven’t forgotten to thank you for [name]’s present - It’s just that it hasn’t arrived yet but don’t worry, we’re keeping an eye on the post and will let you know when it’s here safely.”

That gives her an out to apologise and get him a gift pdq. Otherwise she'll have to say she didn't get him one and she'll look like a twerp.

I'd do it on the group chat too. Nice and out in the open. Less room for her to manoeuvre.

Original poster

Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 14:57

Its interesting seeing the different perspectives on this.
Yes I completely agree kids have loads of stuff it's why we agreed on book as they take up little space and all the kids like stories.
I know hes too young to know or care at the moment. And with his birthday being Christmas week he already has loads of stuff.
But as someone else said it's probably going to grate on me a bit as she was the one who suggested it and specifically said a book for each kid. I dont see this friend very often at all as we have lived in different countries for the past 10 years so it's not really a big deal.

OP posts:

TonMoulin · 21/12/2020 14:58

Tell her.
Say you are worried that present got lost in the post and you are checking when she sent it.
Act as if things were clear (1 present per child). And you haven’t received your dc present.
I would do that on the main WhatsApp group too. Like you would if you had no inkling she just didn’t send one.

She can’t be acting as if she agrees to something and then backtrack and refuse to do it. Even if you had a disagreement a few years ago. Itt was a few years ago!

TonMoulin · 21/12/2020 15:00

Is she also one with two kids who have received one book each ??

Quite off to expect one thing from people and then not do it to others imo.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 21/12/2020 15:01

I've onlu done Secret Sants twice, and both times there was nothing me me in return.
I'd let her know that Ds's book never arrived and can she please check on it.
Not fair you sent out two for your two children and only one child got a book in return. Seeing the baby is the same age as many of the others there is no reason not to receive one. Some people are just cheeky beggers.

Original poster

Aimee1987 · 21/12/2020 15:03

@TonMoulin yeah she has 2 kids so got 2 gifts from different people. This was my thought as well. How would you think you only need to reciprocate once

OP posts:

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