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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Charity Donations in Lieu of Gift

95 replies

SummaLuvin · 21/12/2020 12:03

AIBU to think that a charity donation in lieu of a gift (unless requested by the recipient) is not really acceptable.

It’s something that irks me, as it seems like a get out because someone is lazy or forgot to buy something, and is more of a gift for the giver as it makes them feel good about it. There is rarely consideration of which charities recipient actually supports. But it would be of course be rude and selfish to say anything, so I smile and seethe in private. Do you think it is an appropriate gift?

OP posts:

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 21/12/2020 12:06

Sorry but I disagree. Why do we need to buy stuff for each other purely for the point of gifting it. If I buy a charity gift I at least know it's going somewhere useful whereas a present, unless specifically requested, is just as likely to end up in refill or at the charity shop. I buy a lot of charity gifts, I do try to tailor them to the person but often I get something from Choose Love.

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 21/12/2020 12:09

I also find them useful for people overseas. I'm an Australian in the UK and I could spend money sending my family something heavy that they might not enjoy or I could buy a goat for a widow in Somalia or a sleeping bag and blanket for a refugee in Greece.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/12/2020 12:11

There is rarely consideration of which charities recipient actually supports

This is the biggest issue with it for me.

Original poster

SummaLuvin · 21/12/2020 12:13

I have a handful of charities I support. But if you truly believe gifts are pointless just stop them entirely, I would not pretend my donations are a gift for my mother for example.

OP posts:

goteam · 21/12/2020 12:15

I agree. I give a lot to charity via direct debits, including food banks rather than spend money on myself, I work for a charity and volunteer for a charity and always have. I feel sometimes that with people who give charity gifts that's all the charity support they do and you're right OP the only one who benefits it the giver.

I had a big birthday last year and one of the gifts was a tree planted in my name from a good friend. This is a charity they support and are involved in so it gave them kudos whereas I support refugee and homeless charities so it wasn't about me at all. Also, I like champagne and would have preferred a bottle of that and a day off supporting charity. Sorry!

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 21/12/2020 12:20

But if you truly believe gifts are pointless just stop them entirely
I don't believe all gifts are pointless, just ones that are bought purely because you need to give someone a gift. I buy or make plenty of gifts but sometimes a charity gift is the most appropriate thing.
I also donate to charities monthly and support my local food bank so I don't feel the need to do this purely to feel like I've done my bit.

VanGoghsDog · 21/12/2020 12:26

@SchrodingersImmigrant

There is rarely consideration of which charities recipient actually supports

This is the biggest issue with it for me.

It's simply not true though, is it?

I bought Unicef footballs for the adult sons of my partner last year, they didn't want gifts, they're not short of money, and they all love football. I wanted them to think their love of football could be shared with less fortunate people and maybe even support the next (insert name of some famous footballer here!).

They were really happy about it. Partner had a maternity kit or something, can't quite recall what his was.

To be fair, they did get small gifts as well. But it's not true that there is rarely any consideration....

SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/12/2020 12:36

Buying football lovers a football which acts as a charity donation is simply not the same as buying a goat for somewhere god knows where in a name of someone who is supporting local charity for example.

Robin60 · 21/12/2020 12:38

Being quite cynical I’m not always convinced the charity gift is always given to the charity.....
Like the OP I think it can be a lazy gift with little thought given, as I put a lot of thought and time into my gifts it’s very special when that is reciprocated.

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 21/12/2020 12:38

I agree. "I'm not giving gifts this year" and "I'm making a donation to charity" are separate things. One doesn't compensate for the other.

Notnt · 21/12/2020 12:45

I'm not too fussed about whether I get gifts or not, so it's not about a donation meaning I didn't get a physical gift. But I wouldn't like the charity being chosen for me, unless the person knew it was a charity I supported and meant something to me.

I do have a family member who announces every year, on Facebook, that they'll be donating to charity instead of sending Christmas cards. But they have told me many times it's just that they can't be bothered writing and sending out lots of cards (fair enough) but they don't want people to know that's the real reason.

goteam · 21/12/2020 12:57

@Robin60 with the gifts that are things like sponsor a tree, sponsor a dolphin etc tje money does ho to the charity but you aren't literally sponsoring a specific the or animal it is just a donation to the charity's general funds. It's a marketing thing and it does work if we are anything to go by as we got a wildlife charity sponsorship for DS birthday (comes with a cuddly toy, magazine etc). We got him other presents too!

Time40 · 21/12/2020 13:10

If someone actually talked to me about it in advance, asked me if I'd like to have a charity donation given in my name and also asked me which charity I wanted to support, then I'd be really pleased with the idea. Otherwise it's a lazy, thoughtless, arrogant get-out.

Notahotelorabandb · 21/12/2020 13:13

Totally agree , I think it comes across as really thoughtless. Also hate this Facebook trend of announcing ‘we’re not giving cards as we’re donating to dogs trust’ - how are these linked?!

VetiverAndLavender · 21/12/2020 13:16

I think a gift should be for the recipient, which means it shouldn't be a charity donation unless the recipient has clearly stated that they'd like that-- and possibly even mentioned the charity they'd like to be supported.

Sussexbonfireviking · 21/12/2020 13:18

I asked my family not to buy me a present, but to buy themselves one with the money that would have been used, and I donated to refuge instead of buying them presents

They don't lose out

HotSince63 · 21/12/2020 13:19

I've noticed the people that give these charity donations gifts rarely ask the recipient if they mind, what their chosen charity would be, etc..

They also rarely or never forego their own gifts, oh no, they still like to receive. It's the sucker they're giving to that misses out, never themselves.

goteam · 21/12/2020 13:21

@Notahotelorabandb tempted to do a 'not doing cards because I CBA' social media update. The charity donation in lieu of cards winds me up because it actually makes the person seems like a bit of a scrooge who never usually gives to charity and charity is some kind of new concept to them and the rest of the year they kick dogs and RIP trees up. Charity shouldn't just be for Christmas and in an ideal world a lit of charities wouldn't exist at all. It's like they are giving other peoples money to charity not their own. 'You lot are getting a charity donation instead of a card but I got myself a Liberty Advent calendar and bottle of baileys' kind of thing.

StressyMcStressFace · 21/12/2020 13:25

You rarely hear of anyone saying "Please - no more gifts for me! Just donate to the charity of your choice!" Do you? It's a bit virtue signally to do it instead of giving a thoughtful gift

Ohtherewearethen · 21/12/2020 13:30

Unless the recipient is known for supporting a certain charity then it is a really shit gift to presume which charity they would like a donation in their name to be donated to. I wouldn't be at all impressed if someone gave a donation in my name to the RSPCA for example. I don't really see how it is a gift at all though. Someone has given some money to a charity of their choice but written your name on it. The recipient hasn't done anything to feel gifted or good about! If money is so tight that you can't afford to buy a gift and donate to the charity of your choice then I'd rather just a quick chat about it. "Money's a bit tight this year, do you mind if we don't exchange gifts?" Problem solved. Donate what you like to the charity you wish to support but don't claim it's a gift to somebody else in doing so.

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 21/12/2020 13:30

They also rarely or never forego their own gifts, oh no, they still like to receive. It's the sucker they're giving to that misses out, never themselves.

Bollocks to that. If people ask me what I want I say 'please don't feel you have to spend money on me but if you do want to please give a donation to a charity' . The only people I regularly get gifts from are my husband (though these days he tends to buy me tickets to something and a few books) and my in-laws who dislike charity gifts (so I don't give them charity gifts either).

SpiderGwen · 21/12/2020 13:32

I know MN usually hates it, but I like “receiving” these. I’ve always wanted to keep goats but it’s impractical in my circumstances abd I was delighted when DH got me Oxfam goats for Christmas.

With distant friends/relatives we’ve enjoyed having sponsored a pony at our local sanctuary and having trees planted in our name. I gave me niece a sponsorship of her favourite animal at the zoo, which came with a plush of the animal and a free ticket to visit it. She was chuffed to bits.

stuffedforchristmas · 21/12/2020 13:34

No, I like it.

We should encourage others to share and give more, not splitting hairs and fumin about exactly how it should be done.

stuffedforchristmas · 21/12/2020 13:36

And really 12 fruit trees in Vietnam is a strangely uplifting and comically bizarre thing to receive when you were expecting another silly scarf.

nosswith · 21/12/2020 13:36

If done last minute, I can see why someone might think it a cop-out. Though done in advance and especially if agreed, fine by me.

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